I was reading this thread last night and it puts me back on track when I find myself getting down or too focused on my ex gf. It never occurred to me to share a story that I am very close too and know all the details of and it is no different than the rest of the success stories on here.
I was on another forum a couple of years ago when I was going through my divorce. Well one of the other members on the forum (I will call him Bob) ended up living about 3 miles away from me, small world!! Well both our wives had cheated on us and left us, I met him about 2 weeks after he found out about his wife's (I will call her Lisa) affair.
Well Bob handled himself remarkably well, he confronted Lisa about the affair to which she denied and said they were only friends. He said that he knew otherwise but it did not matter, he told her calmly that she had to make a choice.........return to the marriage and work on the marriage or chose her "friend" and be done. She chose to be done and Bob said "okay" and that was that. She moved out about 2 months later and got her own place. Bob took a long hard look at himself and identified those things that he wanted to change and started working on himself.
I was his friend and accountability partner through out his ordeal because I was doing the same thing at the same time. So I know how he agonized over missing his wife and how disgusted he was that she was carrying on her affair, but he stayed the course and he only had LC with her because they had 2 small children together. He left her alone and moved on with his life, well 4 months later he met another woman and they had a relationship and fell in love immediately even though he was not yet divorced. (have to wait one year in the state we live in). Bob and his new gf even discussed marriage, I could not believe it at the time but he was serious.
His life was good and he was happy, but he still had feelings for his wife. Mean while his wife, Lisa was finding out that the grass was not so green on the other side, we have all sat and talked openly about their experiences and their views at the time they were going through this crisis. The guy she had an affair with did not have to put anything into the relationship, she was always the one that had to "maintain" the relationship and she started to grow tired of it and it was at that time that she started to reflect on what she had with Bob. Oddly enough that is when she found out that Bob had moved on and had a serious gf. It tore her up, she dispised Bob's gf and hated that her children were around Bob's gf.
Well that is when she started to work on herself and get her life together. It is funny because in many ways the "dumpee" has an advantage over the "dumper", they are forced to deal with the loss and have to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and work on themselves. Bob did that right away......and got better, Lisa did not start until the affair she was having fell apart 8 months later.
Well they separated in Jan 2010 and by December 2010, Bob started talking to me about thinking about trying again with Lisa but was not sure how to approach it. They had kids together so at the kid exchange he would linger a little bit and ask her how things were going and joke a little bit. He did this for weeks and was very patient and slowly built the friendship back. They eventually got to a point where they could talk more openly about their marriage and the things that were wrong and what would need to change if they were ever to consider getting back together. He was very careful to not let this relationship talk dominant their time together. Eventually they started to go and do some fun things together like bowling or go-karts or whatever. He made sure that they could have fun again together. after about 4 weeks they decided to try and reconcile and he broke up with his girlfriend, who understandably was devastated but understood.
I helped him move his wife back home on January 2, 2011 and they are together today. The real work came in the following months after she moved back, but they worked through it and I believe they have a much closer bond than ever. They are happy and their children are happy to be a family again this Christmas. I count them both as a few of my closest friends and they have been incredibly supportive of me while I am going through this break up with my girlfriend.
So reconciliations do happen, but I think the key ingridient in all successful reconciliations is the TIME that is spent apart. The old relationship has to die completely and both people have to let it go along with all the pain and hurt. It is only then that something new can form and flourish. It takes TIME and Patience and the knowledge that you will be happy no matter what happens.
Cheers