capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 My brother had a party at his house and it was getting late so my wife was going to leave with the kids. Well at the last minute my brothers invited me to a house party near-by so I said sure I would go and didn't mention it to my wife. Is it wrong that I didn't tell her that I was going? The way I see it is that it is not wrong because if I were out with them I would not call her to give her updates on my whereabouts. It's not that I am running around doing something behind her back because I am not! She often goes out with her sister and friends and I don't ever ask her where she is going or with who because I feel that she has her freedom so if she is out she is out. What makes me really upset is that she called me "sneaky" so I really resent that because I was not doing anything for her to call me that. I would like to hear what other think about this. Please let me know especially the ladies. Thanks. capricorncali Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 You know, I think the fact that you're not sure means it probably was wrong. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I'd resent it too, but I think you're looking for the wrong thing here in the forums--that is, I think you're here to gain support for you being "right" and her being "wrong". There isn't an objective right or wrong, merely expectations. Perhaps you should have a mature conversation with your wife about what is expected in the future when these types of impromptu plans arise. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 The only one who can answer that is your wife. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Is it wrong that I didn't tell her that I was going? What makes me really upset is that she called me "sneaky" so I really resent that because I was not doing anything for her to call me that. Looks like she hit a nerve? Maybe because it's the truth? I think when one starts hiding things from their partner, not telling them where they went, or were invited somewhere without informing them etc etc, then seek justification on a message board, then it sounds like you have problems (imo). The very fact that you have to ask the question shows you know you should have informed her. Not much more one can say to that. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 It's typically common protocol to inform someone what you're doing, especially if you live with them. This isn't necessarily something that all couples do, but I'd say the vast majority of them it's one of those unspoken rules. Apparently she thinks you should be followed said rule. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Part of me wants to think it was wrong but part of me doesn't because she does go out more often than I do. Thanks for the comment. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Not really looking for support if I was right or wrong but I was just wondering what others thought. Thanks for the reply. Link to comment
octour Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 My ex would get pissed at me when we first started going together for doing stuff like this. I was alone after my previous breakup for about a year or so and I wasn't really used to having somebody to 'check in' with. Even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I should have told her about doing stuff like this. It's a trust thing and it clearly bothered her. So now you know for next time. Apologize, say it'll never happen again and keep your promise. We live we learn. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Her going out more often really has nothing to do with your not telling her about the after party. Don't use one as a "get out of jail card" for the other. It's just communication. Be sure you communicate your plans with her in the future and you'll be fine. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 There is no reason for me to be sneaky. I enjoy being with her and my two kids but I guess she did hit a nerve. I don't hide where I am going from her at all because I do let her know where I am going. She actually goes out more than I do and I don't question her at all. Thanks for your feedback. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I agree and we do tell each other where we are going all the time but I don't expect her to provide her gps coordinates either. Actually sometimes she is just going out with the girls so it would be hard to keep letting me know where she is at all the time. Thanks for the feedback. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I will think about it. Thanks. Link to comment
octour Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 This worked for me...if I felt like I was 'getting away with something', I would pick up the phone and give her a call before I did it. It's a lot better than her finding out afterwards. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 So is this really an issue of she goes out more and your trying to one up her by not telling her? Because it kind of, sort of, sounds like that. Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 This would be a non issue with me, provided she was okay with taking the kids home putting them to bed and not needing your help. My husband will go out with his friends for a drink after work and sometimes he'll tell me where, sometimes I ask because I am curious, and sometimes he's not even sure yet. I know a lot of times they start at one place and move to another, I'd never expect a call to let me know they were switching bars. I'd only be upset if he promised he'd be home at a certain time and either didn't come home or at least call to let me know. If you said, "hey, I'll be home in an hour help you get the kids to bed" and then didn't return until 3 am, then I'd be upset, but other than that I don't think it's a big deal. But, that is just what works for my marriage and is my opinion and not everyone will agree with it. Link to comment
petite Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 It seems that you're bitter about her going out since you've mentioned it several times, if you have an issue with her going out discuss it with your wife. I do think it was sneaky because you could have told her about the after party. Do you usually discuss what you did and where you went once you get home or the next day? Link to comment
Lester Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 It was disrespectful. (Were you drunk?) If you are in a game of tiit for tat… you will lose. For you, this little blip will just fade away in a day or two. She will never forget it unless you sincerely and unconditionally apologize. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 No it was not me trying to get back at her. She just happens to be more social than I am and I don't mind her going out and me staying at home with the kids. I think it is healthy for significant others to go out with their friends/family. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I am 100% ok with her going out on her own and no I don't get bitter about it. I was just trying to say that I don't get to go out that often (my choice) and when I do she got upset. I was drunk so maybe I forgot to mention it but I don't think it was right for her to think bad about me and call me names. Yes I do tell her about my outings with my brothers or my co-workers as I have nothing to hide. Link to comment
capricorncali Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Yes I was drunk but she did find out about it that night right before she left. Amazing how everyone thinks I was out for revenge or something so let me be clear that I was not looking for any kind of revenge. It was a simple miscommunication on my part but I don't like the accusations. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 You more than one bought up the fact she goes out and you don't - easy to see how it could be revenage. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 That's exactly how it works for me, too and that's the kind of behavior/interaction I would find reasonable and fair. Link to comment
Alezia Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I would be rather pissed off. Not because my man isn't allowed to go out, and have fun. I don't expect a call when he is out with his buddies either. It is rather the sentiment of getting ditched, when both people are out together that is upsetting. I would be really wondering where the heck he really had to go to, so urgent that he couldn't tell me. It's not that big of a deal in the end, but I could see why she wouldn't be pleased with this behaviour. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Yeah.. it's not that big of a deal really. Just make sure to check in if you're off doing something random/out of the ordinary!! And remember kids... It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. Link to comment
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