I am a happy doormat! Why do people let it happen to themselves?

[PrettyGood]

Sometimes relationship is a very tough thing. We have a lot of problems, questions, dilemmas, arguments, but in the end we don't want to break up with our significant other. He (or she) may be the last as...le in our life. They can do a lot of horrible amoral things to us and still we don't want to loose them. When they break up with us, we beg them to return and promise to change ourselves (!) And we don't ask anything in return. So here we can almost say "Hello, I'm a doormat and you can do whatever you want with me - I won't run away from you and I will try to be better for you each time you are angry on me!"

 

I'm the kind of this person and it's sad to understand that probably I have NO self-respect. I can tolerate physical fights, loud screaming, slamming doors, infidelity and even the fact when he calls me and say "Hey babe, I'm living with my ex girlfriend for almost 2 months, because she's severely depressed when I dumped her because of you. I need to take care of her. So she took her cat here in my house and her stationary computer and her bed, but don't worry, I'm very faithful to you and I love you".

 

I'm very angry on myself right now. I'm furious because I'm stupid and naive. I told him a very serious moral in my angry tone by the phone for almost 1 hour and the one thing he did in the end to sum up was to say "You're always angry on me, I know, but that's why I love you, cause I know that you care about me and I really appreciate that you're that jealous, because I know you won't run away from me and I won't run away from you. You'll be always mine and I'll be always yours. Love you, babe!"

 

So I'm a total doormat. My question is why people (like me) let it happen to themselves? Am we the total idiots?! How can we stop lying to ourselves, take some strength and look at the bitter reality one day?

[happyfrank]

You have no self respect. He is walking all over you but if you catch STD. You can only blame yourself because you knew he was a player.

[HoliPoli]

PrettyGood, I think most of who reply to your inquiry will have alot of negative things to say regarding your confession to being a doormat.

 

You want to be loved and you want to give love. It's simple.

 

I think the problem lies with him. He has some mental issues to admit to himself then work through before he can love and be loved in the right manner.

 

We all fall for the wrong guy at some point and the sad truth is that you cannot fix him -ever. It doesn't matter how Coldplay sings it. We simply cannot fix them.

 

I wish you the best.

[journeynow]

PrettyGood, you summarize it well in your first paragraph. I think we get caught up in the words...I love you, always will...and fail to give their actions sufficient weight. If your friend or your sister were in your place, what advice would you give her?

[breath.o.fresh.air]

So I'm a total doormat. My question is why people (like me) let it happen to themselves? Am we the total idiots?! How can we stop lying to ourselves, take some strength and look at the bitter reality one day?

 

I don't know why you would stay - what makes you want to stay? There are a number of reasons, none of which are justifiable.

 

- You are afraid to leave.

- You don't feel like you can do better.

- You deny that his actions are wrong.

- You blame yourself for forcing him to act in a particular way.

- You feel like this is normal behaviour.

 

I can list any number of reasons why you might stay (none of which I agree with, for that matter), but the truth is, only you know why you're still in this relationship. Anything I say would be guessing. Only you can identify why you would tolerate ANY of this behaviour, and why you haven't left. If he is acting in this manner there is no good reason. He's disrespecting your body when he cheats, and you get into physical fights. He's disrespecting you emotionally when you get into loud screaming matches, and he just assumes that you will stay no matter what he does. The point is, he is not, and never will treat you as an equal. It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship, and you should get out.

[RedDress]

I've been there. I think it's... a form of optimism. LOL! I think that sometimes the pain of what we have to accept (that he's cheating, that he's hurting you, etc), is soooooo hard to come to terms with that... well... we don't want to. So we make excuses. We make excuses and we try really, really hard to believe that it's not happening. That it's just that they are hurt or that no one understands them like we do or that... insert your favorite excuse here.

 

I don't think it matters so much that you made excuses (what's done is done) - but that you recognize that you are the excuse QUEEN. (me too). Once you learn that you are the Excuse Queen (or king) - learn it! And look around! Now - not only are you forced to face the facts (that he was terrible for you) but you ALSO have to feel all silly and down on yourself for making excuses all that time! It's 100,000 times worse. Right? Take that... chew on that... really think about it.

 

Now that you know what YOU are also capable of... don't do it again! In your next relationship when you are trying to explain things away... STOP! and think "Ok - wait... but I am the Excuse Queen. Am I making more excuses for him? Because that will only hurt me more in the end..."

 

Don't beat yourself up. Just learn from your mistakes. That's what life is about.

 

... oh! And if you haven't left that dude... I hope you are doing that now...

[journeynow]

I like what RedDress said.^

[delicous]

Because breaking up is hard to do and whats even harder is admitting to yourself that you have to do it and its what needs to be done and also admitting to yourself that you made a bad descision getting into it with him in the first place.

 

I was there also...My situation is incredibly annoying and it annoys every person on this form and in my real life.

My bestfriend hates him, so much crap happens on the weekly with us. We get into fights. They aren't yelling

fights, they are...different...We are trying to work through it, but maybe its just "me."

 

Im unsure how to explain anything or how to think of it anymore. Its so stressful and its a huge self esteem problem, I know it. But in my heart and just what he has done for me and keeps being there for me and just the connection him and I do have whenever hes not doing things to upset me some how makes it alright. The actions he's showen and words hes spoken means more to me than all the red flag that have come up in this relationship.

 

Your boyfriend could clearly be feeling like he has to take care of this girl, but chances are very high that he's sleeping with her. If he really cared, he'd not let her back in his house, end of story!!...

[Capricorn3]

I'm the kind of this person and it's sad to understand that probably I have NO self-respect.

 

So I'm a total doormat. My question is why people (like me) let it happen to themselves?

You answered your own question: You have no self-respect. Also, I believe you allow yourself to be treated this way because you are desperate for love and to be loved, so you'll basicaly settle for anything and anyone, as long as they show interest in you, you'll take it. You probably don't want to be alone, which again makes you take anything you can get. All this comes full circle, back to being desperate and no self respect.

[PrettyGood]

If your friend or your sister were in your place, what advice would you give her?

 

I would probably or definitely beat that guy down. Unfortunatelly, it's easier to say than do because it's totally different thing. You can beat and dump anyone about which you don't care at all. And when the things turns around me, it's just unbearable to even thing about it.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Thank you for your honest opinion and support. I don't hope that someone will support me here in this situation, cause I can't mention this guy to my friends or family, because in the circle of friends it would be just a big shame to tell that I'm a doormat. And in my family circle, well I just don't want them to know, because they feel hurt when someone hurts me and I let do that happen.

 

I don't know why you would stay - what makes you want to stay?

 

Well my real reasons are very simple. First of all I'm sure that I live in the castle of sand and I'm wearing my pink glasses 24/7. I mean I daydream a lot and those daydreas are only about his positive sides. Like my inner self wouldn't like to see that he is THAT negative. I'm afraid to see at the reality that it's worse than anything and I'm angry on him, promising myself and others about me that I'm gonna leave him and no-one believes it, because they know that it's some kind of addiction like smoking. And I'm afraid to dump him, because when everyone says "Don't worry, someone better will come your way when the time is right", well that's just a positive saying. I have a lot of boyfriends, and most of them didn't respect me, because I just don't know what it's like to be with the guy who knows how to respect a woman. So what I'm afraid that maybe there are no such GOOD guys around in this life at all. I mean it. Actually I tried to say what I think of him several times and when I said "You are horrible person to be with and I don't believe that you're loyal to me", he said "Well, if you don't trust me, then I don't have what to talk about with you anymore". And at that moment I'm always panicking like a child "Omg, he's dumping me!" and I become a doormat again with my excuses.

 

I think that sometimes the pain of what we have to accept (that he's cheating, that he's hurting you, etc), is soooooo hard to come to terms with that... well... we don't want to.

 

You're very right about that. It's just went so far that I even afraid to open my eyes and look at the reality. I created many plans in my head how to dump him and go out clean of this situation (to remove all the contacts with him without any carbon copies, to cut my sim cards, to delete emails, to block him everywhere) but the worst thing is that when the time comes, I just freeze out of panic and I'm afraid too much to start anything. I'm thinking "I don't have anything at this moment, so what will be when I dump him?". It's just scary! So I also think then - when to start? where to start? and HOW get that courage to start? I have NO emotional support around me.

[toby17]

Because you choose the pain you know you can handle, over the pain you'll have to go through when you break up.

 

But you're disrespecting yourself. Everyday you allow him to treat you like this is a day you tell yourself I'm not worth more, I don't deserve better.

 

Stop listening to what he says, and pay attention to what he does. What do his actions tell you?

[PrettyGood]

He doesn't do anything. I mean he can't do anything, cause we have long distance relationship. But soon we're going to meet. So maybe he will make his promises come true. If not I already decided to dump him. Of course, I'm not that sure that it will be successful thing from the 1st time.

[camus154]

Because you choose the pain you know you can handle, over the pain you'll have to go through when you break up.

 

Oooh, I like this one.