I think my boyfriend could be a better father...

[pinkrobot]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, have lived together for 1.5. He has a 7-year-old son (we'll call him "Fred") who lives with us on the weekends. Problem? During the time that we've lived together, I've decided I don't think my boyfriend is as good of a parent as he could be.

 

Reasons: First, he has almost no patience. He yells at Fred for everything. If Fred does something wrong, my boyfriend yells and very rarely makes the effort to correct the behavior (whereas I will calmly explain to Fred why it is wrong and what he could do differently). Every time he yells at Fred for something rather than talking to him and working on the behavior, I get horribly tense. I try explaining to him that Fred is a child and simply yelling isn't effective, and he always says, "I know" but his behavior never changes.

 

Second, my boyfriend seems (I say seem because it is just my observation) to think spending quality time with Fred is an obligation. Like I said, we have Fred on the weekends; my boyfriend prefers to spend his weekends playing video games. Not only is this bad because Fred is struggling with a slight video game addiction--and my boyfriend lets Fred sit and watch while he plays for hours on end--but my boyfriend would rather play video games than do something Fred would like to do. I actually have to ask my boyfriend to spend time with Fred. If I didn't, he would never get up and choose to do it on his own. I can't count how many times I have sat down and played games or drawn pictures with Fred while my boyfriend sits on the couch and plays the xbox. There have also been times where Fred has asked him, as he's playing video games or surfing the internet, what they could do together, and my boyfriend has responded, "Go play with your toys. I'm not required to entertain you."

 

Thirdly, my boyfriend gets annoyed easily. Nine times out of ten, when Fred says, "Hey dad?", my boyfriend says "What?" in an annoyed tone of voice. It's small, but on top of everything else it bothers me to no end.

 

Lengthy explanation I know, but here's what it comes down to: despite these things, my boyfriend insists that he does want more children someday. Being a mother in the future is VERY important to me. We have talked many times about spending our lives together so I obviously see myself having children with him. But I can't do it if this behavior continues. So the big question is, How do I go about talking to him about this without having to tell him his parenting skills suck? No one, no matter how they raise their children, wants to hear from someone else that they're doing something wrong. I can only imagine that if I bring it up with my boyfriend, it will cause irreversible damage. So what do I do?

[avman]

I think this is something you absolutely have to address with him. Otherwise this is a deal breaker. I agree with you that his parenting skills leave a lot to be desired. And without some sort of change I don't see that he'd make any sort of decent father to future children you two might have together.

 

I would sit him down and tell him you have concerns about what's going on with Fred. Talk pretty directly about what you've observed, how it seems to make Fred react, and that it gives you pretty big doubts about future children living in that situation. I know this is difficult but I don't think you should beat around the bush on this one. You don't have to come right out and say his skills suck. You can use phrases like "When Fred does X I see you doing Y and that seems to make Fred pretty upset". Or "Fred would really like to do a,b,c with you but it seems like you never take him up on it. Why not?"

 

 

Personally I think he may need some parenting classes to help him understand things. This isn't a one conversation kind of situation.

[Stay_home]

Avman is on point, yes.

 

Honestly...

 

I really don't think that's a really good look for you in the future with kids and this guy. Not acting in a neurotic coconut manner like that. I don't have any kids of my own, no. But I do have a very darling niece and nephew that I spend time with every week, no matter what. And children are work, sometimes you do get impatient with certain behaviors but they are KIDS, they're supposed to piss you off. I think in all honesty, you have every right to be concerned. I'm just not sure what advice to offer you. How is the relationship otherwise?

[lady00]

Totally agree with the above two posters. I don't have any children but the one thing I have noticed about the parents of little kids that I know is that they have unbelievable amounts of patience because kids will do things to drive you up the walls, it's in their nature. The key is figuring out a productive way to correct the bad behavior. The discipline issue aside, it is a huge red flag that he does not want to spend more time playing with his own son and tells him to go play by himself because it's not his job to entertain him. I hope that he will take some parenting classes and really address this head on. Believe me, I can understand that children can be very frustrating and I know it is not easy by any means, but it's kind of what you sign up for as a parent and good parents generally want to spend as much quality time with their children as they can (especially if they are not the custodial parent).

[pinkrobot]

Wow, you're all right. You know, reading through your responses I have a hard time understanding why I've gone so long thinking it would just magically change. That is what's been holding me back; the hope that the more I displayed good parenting behavior, the more he would catch on and follow my lead. But it just isn't happening. And my boyfriend wonders why Fred always talks about how much he loves his stepdad, but he flat-out refuses to say "I love you" to my boyfriend.

[avman]

Wow, you're all right. You know, reading through your responses I have a hard time understanding why I've gone so long thinking it would just magically change. That is what's been holding me back; the hope that the more I displayed good parenting behavior, the more he would catch on and follow my lead. But it just isn't happening. And my boyfriend wonders why Fred always talks about how much he loves his stepdad, but he flat-out refuses to say "I love you" to my boyfriend.

 

That is so sad. But it's not too late IF your boyfriend is willing to make the changes needed and put in the hard work. I've seen people do it. But they have to want it for themselves and for their child.

[Miss Firecracker]

I have never known one man to treat his kids this way. I feel sick reading this story and feel sad for you also, having to witness this all the time. It must be very depressing for you. Hopefully you will not have children with him. Thank God the boy has a supportive stepfather.

[chitown9]

Your boyfriend sounds immature, sorry to say. He is ignoring his son and what is he doing playing video games all day. This guy is not good husband material and I hope you really think about what kind of father he would be as well. He sounds very self-absorbed...

[sidehop]

I agree with avman on parenting classes.

 

It's obvious his son already resents him if not developed a lot of emotional instability. Parents that constantly yell at the child has significant impact on the child's behavior, becoming more aggressive, lack self confidence, unable to cope with stress or anger and the worst part is teaching the same to their future children.

 

Parenting is never easy but he has to make changes for himself. And do sit down and talk with him including the concern about raising Fred together when he's with you guys as well as why it would impact the relationship between you two and any future children. Whether his aggression and snappy attitude comes from his own parents or have other past experiences, it's not appropriate nor it's ever healthy. With you two having different parenting strategies they will crash without him changing and two of you working together. Honestly you sound very level headed individual who handle situations better for Fred. Your b/f obviously isn't a bad guy but I would be more worried about the welling being of Fred if he's constantly being put down by his own father.

[pinkrobot]

Thanks guys. I sat down with him last night for a little conversation, worded like this: "It seems like you spent the whole weekend playing video games while Fred sat on the couch and just watched you, and I'm wondering why I was the one who took the initiative to ask him if he wanted to do something." My bf's response was a pretty irritated, "I don't know how to answer that. I knew he was sitting there, but you're right, I didn't do anything about it." I asked my bf if he'd noticed how excited Fred had become when I asked if he wanted to play cards with me and my boyfriend said, "Yes, I did, but I still don't know how to answer your question." Then he said nothing more about the matter. I told him it was very concerning to me and he simply didn't respond. The more I said I was concerned, the more frustrated he became.

 

Sigh........

 

I'm planning on seeing how he is with Fred this weekend, now that I've told him how much this one aspect of things bothers me. If his behavior is identical to this past weekend, I don't think I can handle it. I love my boyfriend but this behavior is unbearable.

[sidehop]

You know, just reading your past threads, it just seems like you're putting up with a lot of his crap. I feel overall your boyfriend's interaction being a father with Fred alone is just one of many problems. He just sounds very selfish; towards him, towards you, and almost to the point of not having any sort of empathy. Maybe he cannot relate because his parents treated him the same, was the only child, etc.

 

Do you really see a future with him?

[pinkrobot]

Maybe he cannot relate because his parents treated him the same, was the only child, etc.

 

Do you really see a future with him?

 

I have never asked for too many details because as of now his parents are clean/sober and AMAZING people. But my boyfriend has mentioned that they were really heavy into drinking/drugs in the past. I'm not sure if that was going on when he was a child, but either way I'm sure it has a lot to do with the way he was raised.

 

As far as seeing a future with him: if you'd asked me a month ago, I'd have said yes. But it's been the past month or so that I've really been analyzing the things that are making me unhappy. My dad is battling cancer and it's brought into light the things I'm grateful for and the things I wish were different. I could see a future with my boyfriend if he was willing to hear out my concerns without getting defensive and frustrated. Unfortunately, I feel like I will always be fighting a losing battle. I don't know what to do.

[avman]

I don't think this bodes well at all. So he's even aware that he does nothing with his son but isn't interested in changing it.

 

I would come right out and ask him if he wants to change things. If the answer is yes - then suggest parenting classes and you'll both go together. If the answer is anything else ranging from No, I don't know, I'm not sure, Get away from me, etc then I'd really think about packing your bags. And tell him that. "Look if you have no interest in improving the situation then I just don't think this is going to work out". Maybe it will shock him into some action, but a nagging feeling inside me doubts it.

[Batya33]

How he treats Fred is how he will treat you if you are ill or otherwise in a vulnerable, child-like or dependent situation. I would not have a child with this person unless he is willing to go to parenting classes and actually do the work. I also think it's not the best idea for Fred to be exposed to you in this situation as far as you living there and not being his mother or married to his father - that just makes it worse because he gets the disrespectful and mean treatment from his father but then sees his father treating someone who isn't related to him at all better than he treats him. Not good. And maybe it would be better for you if you aren't around them - maybe he should stay at his parents place with Fred or maybe you stay elsewhere when he has Fred.

[sidehop]

My dad is battling cancer and it's brought into light the things I'm grateful for and the things I wish were different. I could see a future with my boyfriend if he was willing to hear out my concerns without getting defensive and frustrated. Unfortunately, I feel like I will always be fighting a losing battle. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sure fear is playing a big part aside from the situation with your father. Moving in with him, all the changes aside from finding out your father having a cancer. When your boyfriend could be the other man who can be supportive and making the situation better he's doing the complete opposite. Doesn't that infuriate you?

[pinkrobot]

I'm sure fear is playing a big part aside from the situation with your father. Moving in with him, all the changes aside from finding out your father having a cancer. When your boyfriend could be the other man who can be supportive and making the situation better he's doing the complete opposite. Doesn't that infuriate you?

 

Yes, it really does. It's tough. It's breaking my heart just to think it might result in us separating, but I know I have to talk to him. Something's got to give. I've never felt so stuck.

[Stay_home]

I really think you might be walking into something and that perhaps you should re-evaluate your stance on the relationship before moving forward. If you really and truly in your heart believe he can do better, perhaps.. However, in my 2sidedcoiness, I don't see a change. I don't see things getting any better and I see him becoming even more defensive toward you. Fred is really the one suffering, though. That's who I feel really sorry for (no offense) because you sound like a very patient woman and I'm sure if things don't workout between you and your boyfriend chances are you'll meet someone better for you. Fred, on the other hand, he's so young and he needs his father to step and stop stepping down on the responsibility of raising him. Fred needs his father in his life to be more interactive and to pay him more attention. Right now with his attitude and his unwillingness to do that, this can all have such a negative effect on Fred Jr's development.

[pinkrobot]

So, no one thinks I'm overreacting at all to the video game thing? The patience I think we can work on because my bf has made comments in the past about how he feels bad sometimes after he yells at Fred and he will at least acknowledge that there is a problem. It's the not-spending-time with Fred that's REALLY irking me. When I told him last night how I felt and he got defensive, it made me wonder if my feelings truly are justified. My thoughts are, he has Monday-Friday to play video games when he gets home from work, and the two days a week he has his son he should be cherishing that time and focusing on his child. Is this reasonable?

[avman]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think your concerns are very well founded. There's nothing wrong with the occasional relaxing video game. But when it causes you to ignore your children and affects your loved ones lives negatively that is a whole other matter. Then it's more like an addiction.

[chitown9]

Your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable to anyone when he is constantly playing video games. He is excluding you and Fred. I think that you should suggest parenting classes for you and your boyfriend. You will have a real problem if he refuses to attend parenting classes. I think you will have to make a major decision if he won't do that.

 

What does Fred like to do? Does he enjoy a sport? What is his passion? How about your boyfriend asking Fred what he would like to do next weekend?.....

[rocio]

No you aren't overreacting. I have been following this thread but couldnt think of anything useful to say. Honestly though, you are not overreacting.

[pinkrobot]

Arghgkfahkdfaksd. The drama continues.

 

So, I put my foot down last night and demanded that my bf hear out my concerns regarding Fred. I got a response I was not expecting and now it's got my head spinning. Basically he poured his heart out and said he feels like he has nothing in common with Fred anymore. He said it hurts him so badly that Fred talks so highly of his stepdad and how much he loves him that he (my bf) feels like there's nothing he can to do right the situation (if you recall, Fred won't say "I love you" to my bf). My bf said on the weekends when I leave in the morning for work/volunteering, he always asks Fred if he wants to play Legos or a game or go jump together on the trampoline, and Fred always says no to everything my bf suggests. My bf said he's on the verge of "giving up" with his son, but that now that he knows how I feel he will make more of an effort to "right" things.

 

Well, wth am I supposed to make of that....

[Batya33]

None of your business -your role is to be a good friend to Fred and a good hostess when he is at your home, that's about it. Your boyfriend needs to figure out his parenting issues on his own because you're too biased. I would suggest to him that he and Fred go to counseling -with Fred's mother if she'll agree. I'm not a professional, just a mom but my sense is that his thinking of "nothing in common" is not the way to look at it -his role as a father is to foster and encourage connection and to find ways to reach Fred even if he just sits with Fred while they watch TV and interacts with him. Fred is probably saying no because he's angry at his father but at 7 years old it's not his obligation to be able to articulate why or resolve the issues -it's your bf's job as a parent and maybe counseling would help in his efforts. Copping out on a 7 year old is not the answer IMHO.

[Stay_home]

Not having anything in common is not an excuse, you have to insert yourself into that child's life. Things they are interested in, you should become interested in also. Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn't really make Fred Jr feel that welcome to be around. Little children know when they aren't welcome. I think his son senses that from Fred Sr and that's why he goes into withdraw whenever he's around. If Fred Sr is going to try to rebuild his relationship with his son then encourage him in his opportunity to do that.

 

Copping out on a 7 year old is not the answer IMHO.

 

And this is one of big reasons why earlier myself and a lot of others were trying to illustrate to you that this guy is probably not the right one for you. I'm sorry. If seeing how he treats Fred Jr bothers you. Imagine if you two have children together. Things might get worse, he only has one child right now. But say one or two kids by you in addition to Fred Jr? And he's already shown his unwillingness to connect with his son. I'm just not sure that would really work out well unless he can absolutely become more involved in that kids life and stop making this stupid ass excuses for not being there for that boy. It's not right. And at 7 years old, you know that kid isn't exactly a baby anymore and he's able to understand when he's not welcome, when he's in trouble and when he's being blown off. That's what his father is doing to him.

[pinkrobot]

*Insert swear word here.*

 

I hadn't even thought of it as a "cop out," but now that you mention it, that is what it is, isn't it?

 

Well, I've already decided to quietly observe this weekend. If there isn't at least a significant change (since last night my bf agreed to work on it), I suppose I'll have a decision to make.