pat7x Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I met this girl 3 weeks ago, got her phone number, went on a date, end up spending the night together, but told her I wasn't ready for anything serious (I'm not in a ldr, but there's this girl and she comes back next summer, and I had to tell her that I wasn't gonna wait, you know kinda had to really think about what i wanted). So I get my mind straight and we see each other a week later, samething so I'm starting to think relationship potential, and I wanted to make sure she didn't think it was only sexual for me, so I tried to call her, tried last wednesday night, wouldn't answer so I called her once on friday night, samething. I then decided to write to her, cause I was leaving for the weekend. Here's pretty much what the text said: Hey, I just woke up and I was thinking of you. Just realized I didn't even tell you how great it was seeing you last sunday. etc etc ect... just wanted to let you know that I really am interested in you, I think you're smart, charismatic, beautiful, unbelievably nice and funny. I just want to make sure we take things slowly and really get to know each other but it is not only about the sex for me. I didn't get an answer yet (Im not sure she saw it), but in the meantime, a friend told me he saw her at a bar with a guy he knows, and he thinks she's dating multiple guys, since he has seen her a few times with different guys, he's not sure if they were intimate but he thinks so... Now, I don't really mind, I mean, we never talked about being exclusive, but I'd want to... Now my question is, are girls like that worth trying, I mean, I don't wanna get played or something, I don't usually date girls like that... it's a first, so my plan was next time we see each other, you know really explained I want to try, but that means being exclusive, but I just want to know what to be careful with, you know, what signs to watch etc, anything you can tell me on these type of girls, is there potential for long term relationships or not all, etc etc etc. Thanks Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I think it is too late to claim you want to take things slowly when you a two already had sex on the first and second dates. That is not taking things slowly. You told her you weren't interested in anything serious so if she wants to sleep with other guys, you really have no claim on her. I am not sure why you are calling her "girls like that". You are also a "guy like that" since you started to sleep with her no strings attached when you had an interest in someone else who wasn't going to be readily available to you until next summer. You chose a woman with the same sexual values as yourself. If you want something exclusive then talk to her about it. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Flip the gender around. I'm sure you have male friends who have dated multiple people at once, are they good people who worth girls trying for? I wouldn't try for exclusivity yet. You haven't see each other that much (side note: This is really funny to me because of my own situation. See some of my recent thread to see what I mean) If she is interested she will return your call or get in contact with you in some way. Let things develop naturally. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Not worth trying. Slept with you on the first date. Seems like she was just looking for some fun that night. If she did that with you. What makes you think she didn't do that with other dates? Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 If you cannot handle that this girl may be dating other guys then you shouldnt date her. It seems unreasonable that each girl you meet will not be seeing anyone else at the time you meet them. Link to comment
pat7x Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Crazyaboutdogs: It actually wasn't on the first date, it was the fourth (we had drinks together a few times, nothing happened, sorry didn't want to write too much earlier, didn't have much time). I believe it is possible to take things slowly in a none sexual way, meaning: not urging in a relationship too fast, meaning seeing each other everyday, calling everyday, etc, I trully think that sex and love are two different things, at the beginning of a relationship, that connects after some time. I personally don't attach as much importance to sex as you probably do, I mean yes we had sex together, but we also shared personal emotions before that, sex was not the focus here... I do agree that if she wants to have sex with other guys it is her choice and it is totally fine, like I wrote, we never talked about being exclusive! I said girls like that, because personally, I am not comfortable with having multiple sex partners at the same time, whereas if I sleep with someone, I will not be able to sleep with another women soon after... I'm just like that, that is what I meant. I do not judge her views, or her lifestyle. Now, about that other women, if I really loved her (we dated for the summer), I don't think I would've slept with someone else, which is exactly what I told her the day after it happened... I do not play games, I'm straight and honest. We were not in a relationship as I do not believe in LDR, and we were both free and aware BEFORE it happened that we might meet someone else before she actually got back and it was fine with both of us... Like I said, next time I see her, I am going to talk about being exclusive, that was already my planned, my question was, do girls that act this way have real potential for long term relationship, or is it a behavior that they keep and are not able to change.... if she says that it's fine, that we are exclusive, can I really trust her, that is the question... Moontiger: Thanks for your reply and your advice, I will take a look at your posts . To answer your question: Guys like that even BS to their guy friends about what happened with what girl and stuff, so you never know what's true. I have come to think that women will be more honest if your confront them about the truth and the real feelings... whereas these guys will play game and be evasive rather than honest... I'm the other type, I'm a straight shooter. I feel it is most important to be honest, and let the other know what all the truth is, rather than play games to keep them close... I don't care if I tell her I want to be exclusive, and she chooses not to, It's fine with me, I'm even happier that way cause I know what to expect... Day_Walker: I can handle it, but what if I want to become exclusive, is it a possibility? if so, how? now this is the question...! I don't care about the other guys! until we talked about being exclusive... do you think I should talk to her about it, or just wait until she does.... Link to comment
shl025 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 For the last year or so I went on dates with multiple guys. I didn't sleep with all of them but I was just looking around and seeing what types of guys are out there, talking to them and getting to know them, and I was open for a relationship if the chemistry and connection was there. I wasn't playing them, and I was okay with the idea of them seeing other girls too. So if I were you, I would want to get to know her better via dates and coffee and whatnot, and see if you guys connect well, and then shoot for asking her to be more serious. Since she knows that you want to take it further, she will let you know hopefully.. if she's not a player. Link to comment
pat7x Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 shl025, do you prefer that guys chase you, or is it the opposite, you prefer to chase the guys? Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Well it has only been three weeks so I dont see what the rush is. I think that you address the issue when you talk exclusivity but it would seem that is implied if she agrees to be exclusive. I think that you need more interaction with this girl. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I would stay far away from you. This looks like potential to contracting an STD....chi Link to comment
shl025 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 shl025, do you prefer that guys chase you, or is it the opposite, you prefer to chase the guys? I don't really play the chasing game. If I want to hang out with the guy I text him and ask him what he's upto and let the convo flow into making plans to hang out Is that me chasing him? Maybe. Sometimes guys initiate and sometimes I initiate! Link to comment
pat7x Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Yeah, that's pretty much the way I feel it to... I just prefer to text and see how she's doing, and then let it flow by itself towards a date... do you think being more direct like texting only to ask her for datess could be putting to much pressure, or is it fine also? Link to comment
shl025 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hmm I think you can ask her for a date by either texting or calling. Letting the conversation flow naturally into you guys hanging out and then you asking for a date without jumping into it is the most important, in my opinion! Link to comment
pat7x Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 How does it feel when a guy just calls for dates right away, is it just putting too much pressure, or something else? Sorry for all the questions, it's just that it's the first dates I've had since my last relationship, which lasted 5 years, so I kinda lost the way a little bit but you're helping a lot so far thx Link to comment
Stay_home Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 The key word here is "exclusive" which you are not. So there's not much room for debate about who she's laying around with. Which is why, get your benefits and contract negotations straight before you enter into a "sex-only" situation. You can't knowingly sign up for a FWB and then ask for something else, that's not the dried ink on the contract. If you want more, then establish that from the beginning and not in the middle. ~ Link to comment
shl025 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Haha it's all good, i'm happy to help ya! If I picked up a phone call from a guy I was talking to and he asked me for a date right away, I would personally be like, oh whooooa. Haha, instead ask her how she's been and how her week/weekend has been going, maybe tell her about how you've been and if something interesting happened, share with her- and ask her if she's down for drinks or a meal together sometime, like a date! Haha I've never really thought about this from a guy's perspective, but hope this helps. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 When i was 19 i was pretty crazy, wild, the works. I was sleeping with a couple guys (safe sex, of course!) and reconnected with an old acquaintance, who is now my current bf! We hung out once or twice, and then slept together. This went on for a little while, and then things just fell together and we started dating exclusively. So it could happen, for sure. What really did it for me is we went to dinner and a movie....pretty much a date. I realized none of the other guys had bought me dinner(HA!) and started to see him differently Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I think you're putting the cart waaaay before the horse here. You've only been seeing her for a few weeks and she's blown off two of your phone calls. Then you sent her a text about exclusivity? I'd back off and treat this casually for now. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Before I met my ex DH I was a player. I'd be hurt before so I was like- ok I am just gonna be a player. So I dated tons of guys I would just go on one date & be done with them Then I met my DH (ex now) and I was hooked....so yeah I promise you- coming from a player...that players can change! I PROMISE you, I was one of the biggest players I know. Seriously... And it's hard not wanting to go back to my old ways but luckily I don't have the energy cause I work two jobs LOL but yeah totally if I met the right guy even if I was dating 10 dudes...I'd totally go exclusive! Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 When I say I was a player, I do mean a massive player...I would flirt up millionaires I had men offering to put me in their wills (I said no lol) I had men offer to sign their mortgages over to me, I had men asking me to marry em. I am not a gold digger and I would always say no and move on to the next dude but yeah again, I promise you players can change. We WANT to change, a lot of times players are really insecure people who got really hurt! Link to comment
shl025 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 ^ No offense, but she doesn't sound gross. I just want to say something; I see some of your negative comments from other people's posts, retrohoney, but people are here to look for help and optimism, not such negativity and judgment. Sorry I had to say this. Link to comment
t3nder_v1ttl3s Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 You had sex with her and told her you didn’t want anything serious. Sex is serious for a lot of people. Anyway, that may seem like mixed signals to her with you now coming back saying you really like her and everything. One minute it sounds like a blow off, next minute it sounds like you’re falling for her. I could understand if she was confused. Anyway, I wouldn’t say she isn’t worth it just because she might be dating multiple guys. Assuming she is not in a committed relationship and cheating on her bf, then she is free to date and have fun until she finds the right one the same as you would do. The only thing that would cause me to take a step back would be if I discover that she is being dishonest about dating other guys. I don’t need all the details, but she should not hide that fact or lie about it. Link to comment
RetroHoney Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 ^ No offense, but she doesn't sound gross. I just want to say something; I see some of your negative comments from other people's posts, retrohoney, but people are here to look for help and optimism, not such negativity and judgment. Sorry I had to say this. that's your opinion, to me she does and that was my opinion. he could probably do better in term of girls but oh well. just b/c ur looking for help doesnt mean we all have to blow smoke up someone's butt. Link to comment
pat7x Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Got some feedback for you guys, ended up not working, because she lied. t3nder_v1ttl3s I really like your post. See this is exactly what happened, I didn't mind that she was seeing other guys or even being with other guys, I talked about being exclusive but after I learned she actually lied to me about some guys she said she never was with, I decided I wouldn't be able to trust her and that it is not the right behavior to have. By the way retrohoney, she isn't gross at all. She's a smart, great looking girl, who has been hurt in the passed, who probably chose to date more guys, trying to find the right one for her. She actually told me she wanted to find the right guy. Some people just don't put has much importance on sex, me included, as others, thats it. Instead of posting bs like that on people's thread, you should actually explain your opinion. I respect it, but I'm sorry, people who just come out here to trash talk and who are negative all the time should stop wasting other people's time. That's my opinion Thanks shl025, you helped me a lot with this situation Link to comment
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