Not willing to give up his country

[Amorterra]

One year on and now he tells me that he's not willing to give up his country in the long run. He spends half the year here and half there, and I told him I was willing to do the same. But he says in the future if we start a family, he doesn't know how it would work. I believe we could make something work but he's not even willing to try because his last relationship ended over this same thing. Neither of us wants to say goodbye but neither of us wants to give up their home. I told him from the start that I could never live there, and yet he kept seeing me. I guess assuming things was my first mistake. Please, if someone's been in a similar situation; is there any way to work this out?

[Capricorn3]

To be honest, I can't see how this could possibly work, as neither of you are willing to give up where you live, and to make it work (as in eventually live together, get married, have children etc, one of you will have to move. It would be extremely foolish/irresponsible to have children, and very very unfair to the child, if you two live in different countries (IMO).

 

If neither is willing to move, then I don't see how it will ever work. Maybe time to rethink the relationship.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with Cap. My husband and I live in separate countries and we are actually both willing to move to the OTHER's country - this is a basic problem in a lot of LDRs. If neither of you are willing to move you have no choice but to end the relationship and if you ever get in another, make sure early on that person understands you aren't willing to leave your country - or, simply, date someone from your country that way you don't have to worry about it.

[blueidealist24]

Well you could have a long distance relationship for life, but then the children thing definitely wouldn't work..

[DN]

I don't think either of you are wrong since you both hold to the same view. But he was not wise to get into the same position having been through it before.

[Amorterra]

Thanks. I guess I posted too soon, having just answered my own question. We have just spoken and have broken up.

[Capricorn3]

I'm sorry this happened, but at least you have an answer which means you have closure and can move on. Maybe for future, it would be better and easier to find someone in your homeland.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry OP. No break up is easy. As Cap said, use this as a stepping stone for the next relatoinship.

[abitbroken]

I think that after a year, its an honest comment from him that he doesn't see himself giving up his country. And rather now when you are talking about the future than getting engaged a few years from now and getting "surprised." It may seem like an easy thing for you that he lives in your country half the year, but that could change if his job or situation changes. I personally would never give up my country to the point that I don't even date men who aren't citizens of my country (either by birth or naturalized and committed to the idea of being here for good). In some countries, you give up your citizenship if you expatriate and don't hold dual citizenship, which they may need to be able to see relatives, etc.

 

It could be that he kept seeing you because the relationship started out casual or he just wanted to see where it went and wasn't thinking long term at first. You can say shame on him for dating you when you said you wouldn't move, but he could say the same of you.

 

If you want to continue dating and don't care about the future - continue to do so. But if it won't work in the long run, then meet someone who is willing to stick in your country.

[Voguester]

I actually WANT to move to my bf's country, I think it would be a cool exciting adventure for me and I can always return home when I want to so its not too big of a deal for me, there's nothing really holding me back here. I must say it does annoy me that he wouldn't move here though, he's said in a few years he'd like to visit my country, not live there.

I do believe deep down that if you really love someone than you will want to make sacrifices for them and that includes moving to be as close as you can to be together.

[penelope13]

Moving to another country can be a big thing. It's romantic to believe that love can conquer all, but it's not very realistic. Some people are really rooted in their country/region/family - they really cannot be happy without those things.

 

There is nothing right or wrong about it - people are just different. I've lived in multiple countries by now, but I can understand why someone else may not have the personality to do that.

 

So, if you want to move - only do it if you are not going to resent him down the line because he was honest and told you that he can't imagine moving.

[Amorterra]

This whole thing just kills me. He is perfect in every other way- the male version of me. We're both seasonal workers and I move around a lot anyway, and winters here have always been hard for me. So moving in itself is not a problem, but leaving my family really is. And I love my home with all my heart. I knew I could never choose and that it would be left up to him. And he has chosen. I knew it would end this way and I should have been less of a coward and ended things myself months ago. Lessons learned. I just wish it wasn't so hard and him being upset too just makes it all the worse.

[DN]

But you did choose, you chose home and family over him, just as he has.