Ex boyfriend said he'd want back eventually but is avoiding me

[witchychick]

Hi,

 

 

I'm new here,I'm Michelle. 31 years old and my ex is almost 30. He broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago. It'll be 2 weeks saturday. He broke up with me he said cause we argued too much but I felt he overreacted because yeah we had a argument that nite,but it was over small things. He said that nite that he wanted to be friends-we started out as friends because at first that was all I wanted with him. And I asked if he wanted a relationship that nite and he said no.

 

Any contact we have had since was initiated by me basically. I went to his work friday nite to talk to him because I thought I wasnt going to get to talk to him any other way. We ended up coming back here so he could eat,it was late and he was afraid of waking his roommate. And we hung out and it was pretty good. He tickled me,playing around with me and we cuddled. Then when we were outside,he tried to warm me up by putting his arms around me. When we came back in,he came up behind me and put his arms around me. Earlier that nite,I asked him about us getting back together. He said eventually. I asked how long,a year? he said he didnt know,he hoped not. I said six months? and he said no. So I asked 2 months? and he said maybe,probably less and he said he wanted to see if things get better. He had also said he was confused when we were apart and he wanted to be alone because he thought it went too fast and was too serious. I however was his girlfriend. Before we parted saturday morning,he said "ok I miss you" and we left on a good note. He said maybe he would be back over that day but he didnt come. I know it was a maybe,though. I had asked when he'd come over if not that day and he said maybe Monday. He didnt come and he hasnt been online in a week. He also is apparently avoiding me. I was confused and worried about why I hadnt heard from him since he said he wanted to get back with me eventually. So I called him on Tuesday. He doesnt have a phone,so I called his roommate's cell first and he bi***ed at me because I have called before. I understand its his cell but I didnt call all the time or something. So needless to say I didnt get to talk to my ex. So I later called his work. The first time,the woman who answered put me on hold then told me he wasnt there right now. So I called back a few hours later. Another girl answered and put me on hold forever. So I hung up and called back. I was very briefly put on hold,and she told me he wasnt available. I thought she sounded snotty,too. She asked if she could take a message so I told her to have him call me. Of course he never did. So obviously he is avoiding me after telling me he wanted to get back with me eventually. Why would a guy do this other than if they lied to you? One of my friends thinks I just need to give him space. Another thinks its over. I need to confront him.

[camus154]

What you need to do is leave him alone. Calling his roommate? Calling his work repeatedly? Come on, now. That makes you look like a stalker and it does nothing but embarrass him.

 

All you're doing is pushing him away. If he said he needs time and space, then you need to give him exactly that.

 

No contact from here on out. Let him get a hold of you when he's ready.

[witchychick]

As I said,he doesn't have a phone. That is why I called his roommate and his work,and I called a few times because I didn't reach him. What about how I feel? I am miserable and I am the one who was dumped and told he wanted back eventually but now I havent heard from him and hes avoiding me. I called him one day since I last saw him and what he said that day as I said was that he wanted back eventually. I was good to him,too and I even bought him a little food friday nite. I dont deserve to be avoided.

[witchychick]

geez I came here for support

[camus154]

I'm telling you exactly what you need to do in order to salvage any possible chance of sticking with this guy. If you're more concerned about having a pity party, then have at it, someone else will cater to you.

[LSgirl]

hey! we have the same name and it'll be 2 weeks broken up for us on Saturday too and it was because we argued too much. same boat! except i dont think he wants me back. But it's important to give him space, give him some time to miss you. It's hard for me too, but we broke no contact when I ran into him on Halloween at a bar. Im starting today again as Day 1 of NC. Hang in there and he will come to you when he's ready

[witchychick]

I don't need or want to be 'catered to'. I just came here for support like I said. I'm not having a pity party. I am just going thru a really hard time.

[witchychick]

Hi LSgirl. Sorry about your break up. I don't know if my ex wants me back,either actually since he is avoiding me. Thanks.

[camus154]

I understand that. If you honestly want a chance with this guy, you absolutely, positively must respect his need for time and space right now.

[LDRohnos]

This man is not interested in a relationship with you. Not now, maybe not ever. Calling his work was a mistake. Calling three times to his job was crazy. He probably WAS there but it's completely inappropriate to be calling his job 3 times in one day. It's almost stalkerish. You really need to pull it together.

 

You don't deserve to be avoided...so why are you allowing it to happen? He's obviously in full flight mode and you're running around after him. You have a choice to either keep chasing him around and making things worse or you can stop and see if he comes around back to you.

 

He's going to keep running so long as he's looking over his shoulder at this girl who's calling his friends and his job multiple times a day chasing after him.

 

I'm sorry if this isn't what you're looking for but this board is for advice, even if it's advice you don't want to hear. I agree with your friend in that it's probably over based off what you wrote.

[GingerMinx]

I agree with Camus. He said eventually. Maybe he was just being nice. Stop phoning him so much and give him space.

[witchychick]

I'm not calling his work again. There's no point anyway. But we had a good time when I last saw him,I dont know. If it is over for good I need to know.

[witchychick]

and I know people sometimes say things to just be nice but if its over for good,a person should say that. Not 'just be nice' and say they want to get back with them eventually. Before I last saw him,he had told me he needed time and so when I saw him,I told him some people mean they dont wanna be with you ever again if they say that and he said it wasnt that. I just need to know if it's over for good or not. And I deserve to know.

[HeartGoesOn]

and I know people sometimes say things to just be nice but if its over for good,a person should say that. Not 'just be nice' and say they want to get back with them eventually.

 

Yes, they should, but this is often a cover up in order to lessen their guilt. Usually it's all about them, and unfortunately has nothing to do with you.

 

The bottom line is if there's a chance of reconciliation, it has to begin with him.

[LDRohnos]

and I know people sometimes say things to just be nice but if its over for good,a person should say that. Not 'just be nice' and say they want to get back with them eventually. Before I last saw him,he had told me he needed time and so when I saw him,I told him some people mean they dont wanna be with you ever again if they say that and he said it wasnt that. I just need to know if it's over for good or not. And I deserve to know.

 

People are sometimes very subtle with how they words things for two reasons.. They don't want to hurt their own feelings with the guilt of telling someone this straight out to their face and because generally people like to leave their options open. But not being direct he keeps that door slightly ajar just in case he wants to backtrack and walk back through it again. It's called hedging ones bets.

 

Perhaps he really DOESNT know what he wants? Perhaps he's just being a coward? Either way the same result is achieved...he doesn't want to be with you. That much is a fact..for now at least.

 

I would not contact him again and only reciprocate if he starts to actually pursue YOU at this point.

[witchychick]

well I have been in a very bad way lately-barely even doing anything. And when I said I was good to him,I really was. he didnt like some things I did,and I didnt like some things he did,like times he flaked on me. I in fact almost broke up with him before over flaking on me on our anniversary. He did wanna run away half the time and he doesn't like confrontation.

[DylanNotorious]

Take it that it's over. He is leading you on with the "maybe we will get back together" talk.

 

He knows why your calling that's why he's avoiding you. He maybe too gutless to say "It's over" or he may try to leave you stringing along. Don't call him again, until he calls you.

[hodgeheg]

Hi Michelle, I really feel for you in this situation. My ex did something very similar.

 

3 weeks before we broke up he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore but that we'd see each other Sunday. Sunday came and he did not. Despite about 20 calls to his mobile, his house, his mum (although she thankfully had her phone off!) and multiple texts gaining in desperation I received no answer or reply. For 3 weeks our relationship yo-yoed from brilliant (he's gonna stay tomorrow night) to receiving texts like "if you aren't happy with me changing my mind maybe we should never see each other again." It drove me crazy! I felt worse during those 3 weeks than I did the day after we broke up! It's hard, I really do know, to live without an answer but I think the only thing you can do is mentally prepare yourself for it to be over.

 

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

[KYRiverGrl]

Definitely stick with NC. If and when he wants to contact you, he will I know, it's hard ... but you'll be better off in the end. Why be with someone who can't make his mind up? You deserve better. Make it all about you now.

[XxJustMexX]

I concur with the others saying you're pushing him away. I know you're going through a tough time, but what would you rather happen? We console you and say it's ok you're pushing him away? Or give you an ultimatum to salvage what you've done? By doing the OPPOSITE of what he's asking which is give him time and space, you're smothering him. You're doing nothing but pushing him further and further away. If anything he's probably changed his mind about giving you another chance. Psychologically if you want to have the other person miss you, you have to give them that chance by backing off... Since you're not doing that, you're making the situation worse. Yes, he did tell you he might get back with you... but that doesn't mean smother him to the point of annoyance.

 

Again, it's understandable you want to feel better and that's what you came here for. But instead you've heard from several people the same opinion of what you're doing wrong... Can you blame us? We're thinking outside the box as we don't have a biased opinion and we're looking at the situation from an outside view. Most people here know what they're talking about. You can ask anyone and they will tell you you're going about this the wrong way. It's not really an opinion, but a psychological fact. If someone wants space and you smother them, they're going to run away even more. Again, that's not an opinion, that's a fact. What makes you think by him asking for space he really means "Call me a million times a day, hell, come to my work... yes, that's what I mean by space." Come on now, you're smarter than that. You know what you're doing wrong. I know you're hurt and it's hard, but you're definitely not helping the situation by looking desperate.

 

And to end, I know you say you have no other way to get a hold of him. How about waiting until he gets a hold of you? If he truly cared for you and wanted to be with you, then he'll find a way to reach you. Why go after a guy that you're not even sure wants you? If anything you should want to rid yourself of this type of person, not chase after them... That's pretty self destructive.

[witchychick]

well he did say before I went to him that he wanted time. He also agreed to come over because I wanted to talk but he didn't,and it didn't look like he was going to so I went to him. But then like I said when I saw him last,he said he wanted to get back eventually. So I thought he would have been in touch with me then. I got confused and worried when he wasn't. Isn't it logical to think a person may contact you if they want to see if things get better and get back with you within a few months if they do? he would have plenty to work on himself if we got back together. But I cared about him and wanted to see if we could give it one more chance. Now I am alone again and miserable and lonely and feeling like I would prefer not to be here. Actually I would prefer that.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand you are miserable. I think you have done all you can do. And I really think he doesn't know if you will get back together, but his feeling right now is that he wants to be alone. Trying to spend time with him, given that, is pushing him away. Leave him be and work on your healing.

 

Good luck.

[witchychick]

thank you for your replies everyone

[rosie smith]

you know i had a friend who ruined her ex flat and did all sorts of crazy things to him after the split but 2 and half years later of NC he came back to her and now they are happier than ever.

 

sorry but I don't think one can ever really say is the other person is interested in that person or not, especially without knowing the guy.

 

yup take everyone advice on here, and go NC for now and if he calls he, he calls you but only you and you alone can really tell if this guy likes you or not cause no of us lot know him

 

best of luck with everything

[ToF]

but only you and you alone can really tell if this guy likes you or not cause no of us lot know him

 

Actually ... Only the ex-boyfriend in question can know if he likes her or not. The OP can make educated guesses, but he is the only one who knows for sure.