My ex showed up to see me on purpose. She was the dumper.

[octour]

My ex's mother works next door to where I have a store. This is how we met, her mom introduced us. So it is virtually impossible for me not to see the mother. She asked me for help fixing her washing machine, I gladly said sure. Her mother is very sweet and I consider her a friend.

 

My ex and I dated for 3.5 years and we were recently talking about getting married. She went out one night with work, met someone, acted weird for the next two weeks, then broke up with me. I asked her if it had anything to do with anybody else and she said no. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship and just wanted to do her own thing. I reluctantly agreed to these terms and we remained in contact. We were still holding hands, kissing, going away for weekends, but no sex. Not even 2 months after the breakup, she married some guy she supposedly wasn't seeing or anybody for that matter. We were also still seeing each other at least 3 days per week. I was already in pieces because of the breakup but this was the ultimate kick to the groin.

 

I went NC 4 days prior to their wedding when I saw her and him together. She showed up with him to a race we both entered together. She knew I was going to be there. I kept up the NC for 1 month. I then went over her mom's house to fix her washing machine. Her mother told her I was going to be there because she didn't want her finding out afterward. Understandable, and I had no problem with that. It was honest.

 

I was 2 minutes from leaving her mother's house and my ex walks thru the front door. Trust me, I did not want to see her or talk to her. Her mother had no idea that she was going to show up and wasn't expecting her to because of a fight they had 2 days before. She said hi, I said hi back. I then told her mother the machine needs a part, I will get it and have to come back tomorrow. Her mom hugged me and said bye. My ex said bye, I said bye and I left. Her excuse for showing up was that she wanted to pick up a basketball???? She now lives 30 minutes in the opposite direction and it was raining cats and dogs that day. She is also 34 y/o and used to live with the mother before getting married.

 

The next day, it snowed like crazy. Because of the snow I did not go to her mother's house. My ex showed up there again and was asking her mother if I am moving away, to where, did I give up my apartment, is he closing his store, etc etc.

 

My ex hadn't spoken to or been around her mother for more than 20 minutes for the last month, since she got married. Now she's there 'coincidentally' when I am there? Two days in a row?? I really don't think so.

 

I was apathetic when I saw her. I just said hi and bye and went on my way. We are just over 3 months broken up. The last time I had seen her, I called her every name in the book for being a user, a liar, and a cheat. She strung me along for those 2 months and everything turned out to be a lie. It was very heated. I made up my mind there and then that I did not want to see her or talk to her. I told her that she is not my friend, and I am not hers. Those were my last words before I left extremely pissed off.

 

My questions are:

1. How does this affect my period of NC?

2. Why in the world would she do this?

 

(I PM'd my situation to a few mods and posters here. I thank you all for your responses. I wanted to post my scenario here again hoping it may benefit someone else.)

[camus154]

1. What do you mean, how does this affect NC? You bumped into her, you dealt with it. Now back to NC.

2. Trying to figure out why she'd do this is always, always, always the wrong thing to worry about. It doesn't matter. You'll never know.

 

I have to say this....you allowed yourself to be strung along those 2 months you were broken up but still holding hands, kissing, etc. You put yourself in that position, not her. I also have no idea why you're helping out her mother so much or why her mother is telling you all the things your ex was asking. I know you view her as a friend and she works next door, but part of life is having to cut out people for the sake of your own sanity. Since most people don't have the common sense to know what to say and what not to say, it's best to cover your own back.

 

Good luck.

[pl3asehelp]

Did you tell her husband how close you guys were right up to the wedding? If not, I urge you to do that. She was probably lying to him about that and if I were him and I knew this, I'd ask for a divorce or annulment.

 

I think you need to stay away from mom - I get that your store is by hers so you have to see her occasionally, but it's better for you if you stay out of her house.

 

As to why your ex would do this, it's because she of course is nowhere near over your relationship - it just hasn't been long enough. I'm sure she has mixed feelings about her decision and where she's at right now, but she's made a significant choice in getting married. So significant that I think you need to completely forget her and her mom unless she gets divorces and contacts you for a reconciliation and that's still what you want.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you sound like a great guy and I hope you can re-open your heart to a great girl who actually loves you to death.

[octour]

I've actually moved 1000 miles away to sunny south Florida since then. Avoiding the two of them will not be a problem.

[happyfrank]

It's her mother. She can go and visit her anytime. Just don't go over the house.

[octour]

I helped the mother because she is frail and now that her daughter moved out and hadn't seen her in a month, she doesn't have anybody to help her. And money was always a problem for her. I helped her because I wanted to. I didn't do anything wrong and I have no reason to hide. Her mom was in a pinch and I helped her, simple as that.

 

And she was lying to me the entire 2 months. She was telling me that she was feeling this way right now but didn't know how she was going to feel a few months from then. She would call and text me like crazy every day. I never initiated contact, it was always her. Always. She gave me the I love you but not in love with you and a ton of others. She was very wishy washy and never once said we would never get back together. She'd say one thing and contradict herself within seconds later. I read enough on this board to know that that is the best thing you can do if reconciliation is what is being sought after. She was lying to me about seeing someone yet still very affectionate towards me. I really thought it was just an adjustment period in response to us talking about getting married.

[octour]

I think you sound like a great guy and I hope you can re-open your heart to a great girl who actually loves you to death.

 

Thank you, Ms Darcy. That was a very nice thing to say. I hope so too, and I'm sure one day I will.

[HeartGoesOn]

My questions are:

1. How does this affect my period of NC?

2. Why in the world would she do this?

 

The main point is that she's married, and no longer available. I'm sure this is not easy to accept, but it is what it is, and you have to focus on letting go. Of course what she did was inappropriate, but let that be her battle, not yours.

[In the Dark]

She was probably curious as to see what you look like, what your reaction will be when you see her after what she had done to you.

 

After how you were and what you said to her back then, she may have had some mindset to think that you are now cooled off and to have that contact where it appears you can tolerate her being around you can lift some sort of guilt she may have left over and carry on in her happy marriage without thinking back.

 

Some people will take what they see at face value for a short instance and choose it to psychologically free themselves for any wrong doings which was done in the past.

[octour]

She was probably curious as to see what you look like, what your reaction will be when you see her after what she had done to you.

 

I also think it had a selfish side too. She always said to me that I am the only one she can talk to and that she can tell me anything. She wanted us to remain friends but I don't feel that way. I think she wanted to get back on speaking terms so that she had someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on etc.

 

Plus a big reason, if not the main reason, for our breakup was that I was overworked. Roughly 100 hrs per week every week. This week is actually when all that was coming to an end. But she got tired of waiting and probably thought that this day would never come. But it has. I have changed professions, I am at 40 hr work weeks now and I am making more than twice the money. I wanted to do this for me and for her, for us. But now was the first chance I had to do it while my other business still exists. Otherwise, I would have gone bankrupt. She just never understood that.

 

I never had the chance to love her the way I wanted to, the way she deserved. I understand her breaking up with me. I just don't, and probably never, understand the way she went about it. I lost all respect for her. And now with all the hiding she is doing, she hasn't spoken to her mother or her sister for more than an hour for the entire month, I think she is feeling guilty. I also thinks she is hiding from everyone because she knows what she did was completely wrong and done in haste, not thought out at all.

[octour]

I didn't 'bump' into her. She knew I was going to be there and she showed up on purpose. And not once, but twice on two days in a row. You wouldn't be curious as to why your ex of 3.5 years who dumped you for someone else and married the guy less than 2 months later, would go 30 minutes out of their way to see you? I realize it's better for me to move on etc etc, but her side of the bed isn't even cold yet. Why would she do this?

[camus154]

I didn't 'bump' into her. She knew I was going to be there and she showed up on purpose. And not once, but twice on two days in a row. You wouldn't be curious as to why your ex of 3.5 years who dumped you for someone else and married the guy less than 2 months later, would go 30 minutes out of their way to see you? I realize it's better for me to move on etc etc, but her side of the bed isn't even cold yet. Why would she do this?

 

Of course I'd be curious. But I also wouldn't put too much stock in it. People are irrational, especially when it comes to break ups.

[octour]

Granted. But am I the one being irrational? Or is she? She did exactly the opposite of what she said she wanted and married someone she doesn't even really know. You can't love someone in two months. Neither of them is going off to war or dying anytime soon. And its not the 1940's. She also had to lie to everyone about it and since then has basically disappeared. But the two times she shows up and shows her face is when she knows that I'm going to be there? The entire thing is really weird.

[Eocsor]

Granted. But am I the one being irrational? Or is she? She did exactly the opposite of what she said she wanted and married someone she doesn't even really know. You can't love someone in two months. Neither of them is going off to war or dying anytime soon. And its not the 1940's. She also had to lie to everyone about it and since then has basically disappeared. But the two times she shows up and shows her face is when she knows that I'm going to be there? The entire thing is really weird.

 

It doesn't matter why. I t doesn't matter what their reasons were. All that matters is it's over for you for good. She's married. Thats all you need to know. Move on and waste no ,ore thoughts about her.