Need for revenge

[helpmyheart]

I am sure I will get a lot of unpleasant responsed to this but at this point I can handle it. I've only been married 2 years. The first year was horrific. My husband travels a lot, we weren't even speaking to each other. My mother passed away, our house burned down and I was dealing with pain pill addiction. I desperately needed my husband and would tell him that repeatedly but I was ignored and laughed off. In the meantime I started a new job. My boss and I had become really close. He talked with me about his life and I talked about mine. The flirting began, text messages, phone calls, going to lunch. Everyone in my office was talking about it. One night I was crying to my husband and telling him that I was going to leave if things didn't change and in the midst of the conversation he got up and left to go to his cousins. That night I called my boss and asked him to meet me out for coffee. We sat there for hours. Him discussing his g/f. He is not married. Has his own apartment. He was married once and has 3 daughters. His current g/f of 4 years has 2 kids as well. Anyway we ended up sleeping together. He made me happy. Made me feel like I was important. He would email me all day long at work telling me that I was worth dying for, told me he loved me everyday. He would leave cards and gifts on my desk before anyone came in the office. However, we both had our ups and downs dealing with me being married and him being in a lt relationship. We tried ending it 100X but ended up back where we were. Then one day he told me he left his girlfriend. He said that he wanted me to do what I thought was best but asked me to meet his children, etc. I could not take it anymore. I couldn't live with the guilt and I thought he was my soulmate. So I told my husband the truth. I not only told him that I had slept with someone else but that I was in love with someone else and I was leaving. Not only did my husband beg me to stay but he said he forgave me and wanted to move on and pretend as if nothing happened. I was so miserable I thought of suicide more times in 2 months than I did my entire life. My husband asked me to quit my job. . . which I did and really work on our marriage. To this day. . . and its been a year. We still have not stepped foot in a counselor which was one of the requirements for me to stay. The OM and I stayed in contact and my husband knew this. He told me that I would see his true colors and wasn't forcing me to do anything. Each time he texted me, called me, we met I kept falling more and more in love but the OM said to give it time. Divorces were hard and he would always be there and always love me. We talked for hours everday. Ive never ever felt so connected with anyone or anything in my life but felt an obligation to at least try with husband. 6 months ago I found out that he was back with his girlfriend - he told me that she had breast cancer and could not leave her at this time. We stopped talking for 2 months and he blocked my number. Out of the blue about 2 months ago he called me again. We were honest about our relationships and began talking again everyday - hours at a time. Texting everyday. He began telling me he loved me again. However, we agreed that until our current relationships were figured out we would never be intimate again. We hardly even saw each other and everytime he would make plans with me he would bail at the last minute. I tried to be his friend and be understanding that he was back with his g/f but everyone has their limits. Friday night he sent me a text message telling me how much he loved me and that he promised this time to protect my heart with everthing he had. He said "no more break ups and I promise you with all that I am and on my childrens lives I will never block your number again. You are my world" He said he had the day off Monday and wanted to meet and get coffee. We texted a few times over the weekend and Sunday night asked if we were still meeting. I said to call me monday. Well Monday came and guess what . . . I got a text bailing b/c his gf asked him to go to her doctors appt. I didn't reply back. In the meantime I talked to a mutual friend of mine and his and she is friends as well with his g/f. This girl told me that they NEVER broke up and that his gf NEVER had cancer. I was so sick to my stomach that someone could lie so horribly about something like that. All I sent him was a text that said "I cannot do this anymore" he mustve known something b/c I never heard back. Then this morning I got a text with him telling me that I deserved better and he was sorry for "messing me all up" He knows he cannot call me anymore but would always be here if I need him. * * * ????? I don't even know where that came from. I asked him if he could call me and he said "not now I am at work. call you later". I flipped out!!! I sent him a nasty text and said "don't bother, some other explicitives and I hated him". Literally 2 mins later I sent him another text and guess what? HE BLOCKED ME AGAIN! The one thing he swore on his children he would never do again. I have never been so angry hurt and devastated in my entire life. I called his work number and left him a message telling him that I plan on sending his gf all of the messages that I have saved and all of my phone records from the past year. Texts and phone calls. I typed up a letter to her explaining what has gone on for over a year excluding details. I told him that I could easily find her address . . . which I can - thanks to the internet. I also told him that now I can feel free to let my husband kick the living * * * * out of him. He could have easily avoided it all by being somewhat of a decent human being. He tried to call me a half hour later but I just picked up the phone and told him not to ever call me again and he was a Piece of $. . . and hung up. I am beyond words. I am numb, cannot get out of bed, not eating but still managing to throw up. I started to print out all of the phone records and couldn't do it. As much as I want her to know what kind of scum she is with and telling her that he lied about her having cancer. . . Ugh. I just want him to have to go through what I did when I told my husband and I want him to feel the hurt and the pain that he put me through. I don't know what else to do with this anger and pain. Im lost, sick and confused. Thank God my husband is working out of town for a month so he doesn't see me like this. He would beat the crap out of him and me for being stupid. I hate him and I hate me right now. Im sure this is the longest post ever written but nobody knows about this and I have no where else to turn.

[DN]

Well, he certainly is a nasty piece of work for cheating on his girlfriend and breaking his commitment to her even if they didn't make wedding vows yet. How he could have done that in all good conscience is a mystery. If he wasn't happy he should have left her and then had a relationship with you. The fact he chose to cheat on her shows what a low-life character he is.

[lanaa]

so wait a minute..does he know what you know? what if the person lied to you? i mean you should tell him you know

 

 

second thing,,it is kinda your fault,you were married ,you knew it was wrong from first time,,,so if he had a gf it doesnt matter,you had a husband!!!! marriage way bigger

[LDRohnos]

I second DN's sarcastic reply... Look into the mirror.

[GingerMinx]

He cheated, you cheated, I see no difference. Neither one of you were prepared to end your relationships and be together so really you have no right to be mad that he was still with his girlfriend, you were still with your husband. Did he lie? Sure, add it to his list of scummy things he did. You should really see a councilor.

[helpmyheart]

Trust me. I HAVE! The negative comments aren't really going to affect me. I feel and have bad enough as it is. Can't make me feel any worse about myself. I have no idea what he knows can't even ask him b/c he blocked me. I highly doubt this person is lying. She believes we are friends. Not in a relationship.

[LDRohnos]

Stop trying to throw blame on someone else then...like what he did was so much worse than what you did.

 

You realize that you're mad at this man for doing the exact same thing you were doing. It's like a thief A stealing from thief B and then B calling A a no good thief. You're being hypocritical.

 

I think you need to take responsibility for YOUR actions and not what your partner in crime is doing.

[lalalollipops]

Eh. Your husbund should have been there for you more, but that DOES NOT and NEVER should give you the go ahead to cheat.

Poor gf. That boss of yours does not deserve her. And you sure as hell don't deserve your husbund.

You're married for god sakes. If he's making you unhappy, do sth about it. Either way take those vows seriously, or get out.

[helpmyheart]

Yes. I cheated. I was also 100% honest to both him and my husband at all times. I did not tell him that I had to stay with husband b/c he was dying of cancer. I did not tell him that I left my husband to be with him and lied. I guess I needed to vent here and get this all off of my chest. I am still wondering if I should send his g/f the proof of what type of person she is dealing with. You are right. . . I absolutely need counseling!

[abitbroken]

I just want to give you a different perspective. I know you were hurting, but your husband was hurting too. If your house burned down, so did his. Some people crawl into their shell and get distant when tragedy happens. They can even get snappy. They don't make good comforters at that time. What happened could cause post traumatic stress on both of your counts. I know you were mad at your husband, but please take that into consideration before you remember him as being an uncaring person. it seems that your husband really loves you if he still wants to be with you after all this.

 

That being said, I think that you need some counseling and support. right away on many counts.

 

Also, revenge may sound great right now, but don't do it. Take a deep breath. A hot shower. A walk. Remember that no matter how mad you are, you were a contributor to this so the best revenge is healing from ALL of this stuff - the pill addiction, the fire, the affair. Focus on your own healing right now and then, if you and your husband are willing - healing your marriage.

[helpmyheart]

I have taken FULL responsibilty. I told my husband the truth. I stopped sleeping with him a long time ago. Also, I did not do the same thing he did. Sorry if my post was confusing to you I thought that this was a friendly community where people could vent. Not a bashing community.

[lanaa]

Ok you both did wrong.Time to move on

 

What exactly do you want us to say?

[helpmyheart]

Thank you abitbroken for being understanding and offering mature advice that I need right now. You are right. My husband is not . . . and was never a bad guy. I think both of us going through a lot of tragedies and once and him traveling I really believe that one or both of us lost our way. There is no justification for what I did or what I put him through. I never in a million years thought that I would be the person to cheat. I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking that way. BTW. . . I have stopped taking the pills back in March or April. I desperately want to heal from this and repair my marriage. Again. . . my husband is aware of everthing but he chooses to "ignore" the entire thing.

[lalalollipops]

We're not bashing. We're just stating the truth no? And you're in the infidelity section. Alot of people have been cheated on. So obviously we're especially sensitive when topics like this come up. And I'm not singling you out btw =). Nobody has called you any names or anything, and your husbund hasn't left you so I'd consider you quite lucky??

[helpmyheart]

Really Ianaa? Love and relationships are that easy? Just move on? Have you ever been in a relationshp? B/c how would you feel if you were devastated and someone said that to you? I thought this website was about telling your story and maybe venting? If I am wrong someone please explain to me what this site is about. Seems as if I chose the wrong one.

[lanaa]

you love him or husband? if you love him...then be fair to your husband and leave him! if you love your husband,then you are just lucky,,,and it should be easy to move on

[lalalollipops]

Lol what did you actually expect us to say? 'GOOD JOB, you deserve a pat on the back'??? This site is actually pretty meek and members can not at all bash others without getting warned so yeah. '_'

[LDRohnos]

If I am wrong someone please explain to me what this site is about.

 

I'm sure an admin can answer this question better but to me this site is about getting advice. EVEN if the advice you're getting isn't something you want to hear. Most everyone here has your best interests at heart and that's why they post. Sometimes the best aid someone can get is a swift kick in the butt rather than a "there, there".

[Mesemene]

HMH - why haven't you and your husband started counseling yet?

 

You said it was part of your agreement with him, is there delays that are unavoidable, or is he or you putting it off?

 

Anyway, I'm leaving the infidelity issue alone for the moment - you and OM are no longer in contact.

 

You've decided to give your all to you marriage.

You can't do that if you're obsessing on what he's thinking, how his GF is dealing, and what he's doing.

It no longer matters to YOUR life (as I put it before and to lighten the mood) if he's having threesomes with purple chimps, or taken a vow of chastity in a Tibetan Monastery.

 

Why? Because his life and yours are no longer intertwined. And you should be embracing that fact - nothing he says or does, nothing he feels, has ANY effect on your life now.

 

Put your focus and energy where it belongs - on repairing your relationship with your husband. You've decided that's the path to follow - eyes forward, not back, and show your husband you appreciate him standing by you and giving your marriage another chance.

[lalalollipops]

She clearly wanted reassurance that what she did was in fact not that big a deal. You know, like all the others, they're just easing their conscience.

[DN]

What do you want now - apart from revenge?

 

Rather than dwelling on the past you need to look to the future and decide what it is that you want and then decide if you can get it.

[HeartGoesOn]

I am still wondering if I should send his g/f the proof of what type of person she is dealing with. You are right. . . I absolutely need counseling!

 

Wouldn't that be called the pot calling the kettle black?

 

Yes, you do need counseling...

[sans]

It sounds like, to me, you should get away from all this for a while. Cut all ties with the former boss and nurture yourself. All those nice wonderful things he said about you say to yourself. He can't really give you any of that love, but you needed it, so let him go and give it to yourself. Let him get into trouble with his girlfriend on his own. If you can let go of pain pills you can let go of feelings- hatred or otherwise- for him.

 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to have a good relationship with your husband, yet. You might need to break contact with him for a while, too, if he still wants to work on things with you. Maybe you can get a better perspective if you get some fresh air and travel yourself a bit, if you can. Good luck, and I'm sorry things have been hard for these last couple years.

[helpmyheart]

I'm not sure what I want to do know. I am hurting because I believed in this person and thought that I truly loved him. I considered him to be my best friend. To tell me the lies that he told me go beyond what I thought anyone could ever tell. I'm crushed because I considered leaving my marriage for someone who is obviously a liar and a disgusting one at that. I am very lucky that my husband chose to work it out with me b/c I myself don't think that I could do it. My husband has also ignored my repeated requests to go to marriage counseling. I know that I need to see someone on my own as well. I am not asking anyone for a pat on the back or a "great job cheater". Again. . . I was just looking to vent and maybe some mature advice on how to heal or handle this situation. Maybe talk to other people on the "infidelity" page who has been there before and knows how to move on from a situation like this.

[helpmyheart]

Sans I wish I knew how to do that. Any suggestions that may help me let him go, the anger, the wanting revenge. You are right. Its really hard to just put all of the pieces together and live happily ever after with my husband. There is a lot of work to do on BOTH parts. What I wouldn't give right now to feel fresh air and be able to breathe again!