Will her weight loss make her attractive?

[Verdigo]

I am currently dating a girl who is overweight. I have known her for around 4 years now. At the beginning we were just friends, although since the last 6 months we have been dating. I never really found her very attractive, but easy to get along with. I agreed to date her as long as she lost weight. We have been exercising every day now and she has lost some weight, but is only half way there to her goal. She wants to get married, although I think that her weight was a BIG problem and I'm worried that after she looses weight, I still will not have strong feelings for her. I'm afraid to break up with her because she would not handle it well (her first boyfriend took her 2 years to get over). What should I do? I feel like I'm being cold, but at the same time, I can't help what I feel.

[Bubba_p]

Dude,

 

Thsi is what I think you should do, wait till she has lost all her weight then decide then if you still don't like her. trust me the beauty of any girl is on the inside not outside. Just becasue right now she is not externally beautiful does not mean that when she does lose all her wieght, she won't be the most goergous girl in the world. but also if you don't find her attractive after the wieght loss then you need to sit down with her and talk with her about your feelings, and how you would rather help her lose more wieght and stay friends

 

Peace

Bubba

[behind_these_eyes]

I really dont think her weight should matter that much to the degree you like her. If you're that affected by her appearance, maybe you should go out with someone else so you don't hurt her. That's just my opinion.

[bnybrain]

I agree with behind these eyes. How can anyone judge another person by their appearance. Verdigo, you need to consider an important factor. First of all, she's obviously putting in a tremendous effort to be with you. She's exercising and addressing the problems you have with her body. I don't think you're the one with the problem, rather I believe she needs help. She probably already has a low self-esteem and your scrutiny of her body can do damage. You should educate her on the type of Forum that you, yourself, are a part of. Honestly, I believe you are treating her unfairly. No one deserves to have that kind of relationship. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. In conclusion, her appearance, irregardless of how BIG she must be, should never be the cause of whether you like someone or not. You like a girlfriend or boyfriend if he/she is kind, funny, chill, etc. I wish you the best, I hope you figure things out and I hope you realize her worth is not based on her appearance...

[PAdreamer]

This is not intended to be offensive in any way but...

 

I don't feel that it is shallow for you to not be attracted to her due to her weight. People like what they like, and that's fine. I do think it's wrong of you to date her if you don't have feelings for her. It seems as though you are dating her because she wanted you to. If you don't have strong feelings for her boyond friendship, A) you shouldn't be dating her and B) you should not be talking about marriage. It is awesome that you guys are great friends, but if you don't love her, you're leading her on by not setting things straight with her. Her losing weight should not be a condition to marriage. I don't think that people should get married unless they love each other exactly the way they are. If you can't love her because she's overweight, then you won't truly love her any other way either, and you're steering her down the wrong path.

[sisterlynch]

You haven't promised to marry her have you? tell her that you want to remain friends. She needs to know the truth about your feelings, I think it is worse to pretend to like her when you don't.

 

Tell her it isn't her weight, you just need some time off. You should still see her until she is ready to move on.

[Jamiegirl]

I agree because honestly i feel you shouldnt have gotten with her is you didnt feel for her the same way she feels for you. It has to be equal on both sides for it to work.

 

I guess you should just tell her how you feel. Its best to be honest.

[Mun]

Hello there,

I think that you should let her go. You are not attracted to her now and just think about it --she loses the weight and you decide to leave her then-- What do you think that will do to her? She will be wondering what is so seriously wrong with her that even after losing weight you didn't want her. It won't be a weight issue anymore, what will you tell her then? Don't corner yourself and don't damage her feelings so much that it will take years of therapy to repair.

 

Right now you can tell her that you really enjoy her company, but you feel better just being friends. Hopefully, she will still want to be your friend and you can still work out together.

 

Good luck

[Elliesonline]

It's actually good that you've put some thought into your situation. This means that you care about your girlfriend, however, this cannot be interpreted as loving your girlfriend. It doesn't seem like your feelings will change anytime soon, since she is halfway to reaching her target goal and you still don't feel any differently about her.

 

Looks no longer matter 1 or 2 years down the line. Think about how her personality compares to other girls you have met. If you think that your compatibility level measures higher than other girls in your past, then give this girl a chance. If not, then you'll have to risk losing her friendship.

 

It's good that you care about her, but the problem with you staying in this relationship is that you'll find yourself looking at the more attractive girls, which will only inflict pain onto your girlfriend.

[chai714]

I agreed to date her as long as she lost weight.

 

You got off to a bad start. If you look like this, then I'll date you. What kind of situation are you setting yourself up for? If you weren't happy with her from the start, then you probably won't be. If it's not her weight, it will be something else. I'm not saying you're shallow, just pick someone who meets your standards from the start - it will make it easier on you and the other person who you seek.

[Verdigo]

No offense taken, I feel like the coldest person on this planet. Actually, she chased me for three years before we started dating, and the manner in which "that" happened I don't want to get into, but it wasn't love at first sight, lets put it that way. Actually, we both have low self-esteem but I know that she would need years of therapy as it is to break up with her now. Knowing how much it hurts myself to break up with someone, I can't physically do it. It seems as though I'll be stuck with her for the rest of my life because it seems there is no way out that is "easy". You can play the "what if game" game for so long, but in the end its all just a gamble. Do I gamble that after she looses weight, she will be attractive or gamble that it really wasn't meant to be, and break it off now? I know it seems as though she would be better off without me because I seem like an insensitive ass, but I really do care about her, its just that she doesn't seem like "the one". She is doing everything in her power to heal things, which makes it a lot more difficult to break it off. The more I think about it though, the more I think it would be better if we broke things off, which makes me feel even more cold. I guess I need hlep on how to put an end to a relationship when you live together and are already talking about marriage.

[Elliesonline]

chai714-

 

I agree with you. That is super good advice!

[Elliesonline]

Verdigo-

 

What are you doing?!? Living together and talking about marriage when she clearly isn't THE ONE for you?? WHY ARE YOU USING HER? Well, it just seems you've dug an abyss for yourself, and there is just no counseling for you from here on. My advice for you now is by all means, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. Don't propose to her. You'll just end up in the situation my boyfriend just left. He stayed with a "fat and easy" girl because he felt sorry for her. They lived together and got engaged, all the while, in the back of his mind he knew he didn't see her as his wife.

 

And what happened? He wasted 3 years of his life. He broke off the engagement, and in doing so, hurt the girl very deeply.

 

You can break up now, when the stakes aren't high, or you can break up after the engagement, and destroy her heart for all eternity. It's up to you.

[Mun]

Verdigo you are going to hurt her much more if you keep this relationship going.

 

Do you really want to be in an unhappy marriage? because that's where you re headed if you don't do the right thing and end this now.

[era]

Grrr...your post makes me angry

 

Your girl sounds great, and perfect just as she is. She's simply someone

struggling with a few extra pounds, and that should never be an issue

in a loving relationship.

 

Set her free so she will find someone who WILL appreciate and accept

her.

 

You don't love her, and never will...and why? because you're SHALLOW

that's why.

 

She deserves better.

[bnybrain]

AGAIN, I'm going to have to agree with Era. I try to be supportive of everyone in this forum, but I don't support Verdigo. [-X She seems fine, AGAIN, I think she needs help for even having had considered losing weight just to keep a guy, poor dear. AGAIN, I believe her self-worth is being taken for granted here. The issue with Verdigo is: will he like her when when she is small (versus BIG). It seems that the real issue should be: WHY WOULD HER SIZE EVEN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I'm so confused here. If I wasn't attracted to someone in the first place I wouldn't get into a relationship with that individual (no matter how much I was pushed to). Just confused here...?

[ReadyorNot]

Umm... why did you AGREE to date her if she lost weight?

 

I find that SOOOO rude and very insulting. I am slightly overweight.... When I was younger I was in love with a boy but he didnt like me in that way... I was much happier being best friends with him then I would have being WITH him... especially if I had to lose weight in order for him to stay with me.

 

You cant very well crush her now..... I think you should wait until she has lost weight too... then make your decision. If she has wanted to lose weight I am sure she will be very appreciative for all the support and help you have given her to lose weight.. .and... maybe if she is in top shape and looking good she wont be so upset abotu this break (unlike the last one) because she is feeling good and KNOWING that she looks good....

 

If a guy ever told me he would agree to date me if I lost weight I would punch him out..... My current bf has always said I am beautiful and sexy the way I am and he wouldnt want me any other way.... and if I lost weight he would support me...

[catgirl82]

yup,

have you ever seen the movie called "the truth about cats and dogs"? its sort of a chick flick. anyway, the point of that movie is that people become more or less beautiful to you after you get to know their personality and fall in love. if you were truly in love with this girl then you would see her as beautiful at her present state. rather, you are hoping for her to become beautiful so you can fall in love with her. love doesnt work that way. also, it looks like she has some serious self esteem issues if she is willing to lose weight just to keep you around. this is just not something a remotely secure person would do. im sure you arent doing this intentionally, but just realize that you are probably diminishing whatever self esteem she does have. i think you should focus on being a good friend (would you ever tell any of your friends to lose weight or you'd stop being their friend?). give her support and encouragement. maybe once you develop a nurturing, supportive friendship, things might get better by themselves. but you two are not ready at the moment to have a romantic relationship, in my opinion

[Mjane]

Vertigo,

While I think you made a huge mistake, you have to focus now on getting out of it in the least painful way for your girlfriend.

Since you said you live together, you should probably be the one to move out. I suggest you make your alternate living arrangements as soon as you break up if not before.

And what you tell her is the truth... but in a delicate way. You explain to her that while you love her, you feel no chemistry between the two of you. You can tell her she is one of the most wonderful people you've ever met, but that you don't want to marry her. You love her but aren't in love with her.

Or any combination of wonderful compliment, but no misleading break up statement. You have to be firm and clear yet sensitive.

I think a lot of time people have an excruciating time getting over an ex because the break up is wishy-washy and there is no clarity.

If she wants an explanation, be truthful. Say you didn't feel chemistry in the beginning but hoped it would develop. You of course are using "chemistry" as a euphamism for physical attraction.

I think the others are right in that physical beauty is only a very small part of attraction. I have been attracted to and in love with so many different looking guys. Overweight, bald, etc. But you have to be mature and old enough to realize that physical looks are just a small piece of the puzzle.

And let's get real here, I am in no way attracted to grossly overweight men. People barrating you for not loving this woman because she's fat is not going to change your mind. Just don't get into these sticky situations in the future.

[Verdigo]

actually, I think this relationship will work. The problem here is that girls are so sensitive about their weight that when you tell them you would like them to loose weight, they freak out. It is my belief that you should be honest and open about how you feel, and if something bothers you, you should let it be known. I love her, I just don't love certain parts of her, which can be changed. She always wanted to loose weight, now she has a reason, and when she looses all the weight she wants, then both of us will be happy and we can both move on and forget about all this. I don't think that is too much to ask, especially since it will only increase our standard of living. I am happy to be with her now, in the present, and I want HER to be happy so that I can see that she has self confidense and can stand up to any challenge that comes her way. I want her to be an individual, and not have to be faced with the presure that other people place on how she looks every day of her life. Actually, everyone says that looks shouldn't matter, and that its whats on the inside that counts, BUT at the same time, you also say that you would never get involved with someone you wern't attracted to in the first place. So, how doesn that make the person feel that likes you but you won't go out with them simply because how they look. yes I was wrong for saying I will only date you if you loose weight, but everyone is not perfect, and we all make mistakes. The end result is that she is loosing weight, feeling better about herself, and in turn, becomeing more attractive to me because she has a greater self confidence, and also looks better. grrrrr

[Elliesonline]

Verdigo-

 

Well, it's good that you understand your gf's aspect of this entire situation and that you have changed your views on the possibility of having a fulfilling relationship, rather than simply being "stuck." \

[ReadyorNot]

I am overweight and I still say if my bf ever said to me that I had to lose weight or he would break up with me I would PUNCH him out!!!!

 

We ARE having problems and may break up but its not cause of my weight... he always tells me he loves me the way I am now and he doesnt want me to lose weight but if I really want to then he will be there for me.

[Verdigo]

Thank you for your comments, they are helpful. Actually, I see more and more characteristics that I like about her as she looses more weight. I'm not sure why its so important to me, perhaps because I want her to feel good and look good, and her self confidense shines through, which makes her more appealing. Its not only her weight, but all the stupid social implications and retarded ignorance that goes along with it. I'd rather have everything perfect and be happy rather than always know there is something still bothering me in the back of my mind. Women seem to care less about anything other than "true love", but I've heard of many people claiming they had true love only to find themselves heartbroken. Lets face it, love is BLIND.

Its hard to find someone perfect, so letting your mate know what you like/dislike will eable open communication and less ignorance. I guess its just how you put it, "if you don't do this then I won't love you is wrong", yes, but letting someone know how you honestly feel stops the circle of hurt feelings and subsequent break-ups.

Sunsheyen,

I think that you are making the right choice by going to the jym. I go with my gf, and it encourages her to keep it up. We've been going for about a year now, and it really pays off. We go every day, run a mile, then lift weights, it amazing how much better you look after working out for along period of time. The mornings are the best time to go because it speeds up your metabolism. As for dieting, we have found that you should eat a healthy diet that isn't too high in calories. Avoid regular pop, pastas, potatoes(french fries), high fat foods. Eating lots of protein helps, but don't do atkins, it works but its not good. If your watching your weight, you should loose on avaerge 2 pounds a week, sometimes 1, sometimes 3, but average 2. Let me know if you need any recipes or anything.

[Elliesonline]

Verdigo-

 

I have also heard that sprinkling hot peppers on your food helps to speed up your metabolism. Also, try drinking something acidic during meals, like orange juice, since it will help to purge your system faster. Hope this helps.

[era]

Hey Verdigo,

 

Well you sure have changed your tune since your original post...now

you're talking 'recipe exchanging'???

 

I think the replies to your original post enlightened you - made you more AWARE.

 

But I also think you are very clever, and know how to manipulate people.