My Ex/GF left me confused, I want the love of my life back

[cjz]

Im really in a state of confusion, my ex-girlfriend and I had been together for almost 3 years. Last year I wasnt sure how I felt about her, and I ended things between us, she at that point made it totally clear that she was in love with me. The breakup was quite bad and things were said that were harsh from me to her. A couple of months later while I was having my space I realised that I did indeed really love her and set about trying to win her back over. Well it worked, and we were together again for a year. She told me that she never stopped thinking of me and didnt like being with anyone else because she felt like she was cheating on me. Her family didnt approve of us though, as they felt I had hurt her before. Her mum was so against it that she had to move out of home. She moved in with me and we lived together for 1year. We lived in a small flat which we shared with a couple of my friends, and I knew that she didnt really like living there or with my friends. We planned to move out on our own and just have our own place together. Over the year we had different jobs, she worked in an office and me at a bar, so as you can imagine we were separated alot by our jobs, mainly mine being that I worked evenings and nights. I knew that I was so in love with her, and every night when I came home I would tell myself I was dam lucky to have her. Everything was good, I mean we would have the occasional argument like anyone else but things seemed pretty good. Then all of a sudden and me completely blind to what was about to happen, I came home from work one night and she had moved out, gone back to her mothers. I was completely devastated and had no idea this could of been coming. She had been totally her fine and normal self with me in the weeks and days before this.

 

When I managed to contact her and see her the next day, she told me that she loved me, but didnt think she was in love with me, and that her decision to leave came by the fact that she woke up the morning before and just realised she shouldnt be there. She started saying things like if I think of you going off with another girl, it doesnt hurt her. I mean where was this coming from, I hadnt even been with anyone nor did I want to. Said that she was in a comfortable relationship where we knew what each other was like. Yeah, we were comfortable together, but we could only of been that way if we loved eachother?? She also said that if we had of got our own place to live, that she would probably still be with me, because at least I would of been trying, but then she told me that when she said she loved me over the year (which she did very often and unaided) that she had just been telling me what I wanted to hear. I cant believe this! I know how she was and I know she did love me. Is this just hurtful things you say to someone to get them to leave you be a while. She said she wanted her space and freedom back. Later she told her best friend whom is also a friend of mine that she does still love me, but it was done. When she bumped into my mum (whom she gets on really well with) she told my mum that she hadnt ruled out coming back to me, but this later changed to I only said that because I felt some pressure from your mum on the matter, but my mum said she never pressured her at all.

 

That was in July (this year) she left me, since then Ive done the whole no contact thing, how do I play this now, what should I do? I really am In love with this girl and I just want to spend my life with her! Help! any suggestions would be greatly received.

[Clarabelle]

CJZ, not much time has passed if you 2 broke up in July. You need to trust yourself and trust the process. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do, or used to like to do, get out of the house, see your friends, go to the movies, whatever. Then one day - and it doesn't matter when - you'll realize that you're feeling better.

 

I really understand your situation about the living arrangements, and how destructive that can be. When my daughter was 15 months old, she became lead poisoned from inhaling old paint residue, which unfortunately is common with people who live in historic homes. At the same time, our landlord raised the rent substantially, even though he was not dealing with lead situation responsibly. We were essentially forced to move and the only thing we found was a small, dingy apartment in a rough section of town. We had very little privacy in the apartment - it was just a studio (one room). Plus it had a serious mouse problem. That was really the beginning of the end for us. It was so depressing living there, and it created many problems between us.

[RayKay]

Hi cjz and welcome to the forums.

 

I think that you should take some time to heal and look back on the last year. I am going to venture a guess that she may have been very hurt by the last time you broke up with her, and may have started guarding her feelings more afterwards, or watching your behaviour more closely.

 

Think back...maybe what she is feeling now is much how you felt a year ago when you were not sure of your feelings for her? Give her some space and time to think things through and be on her own. When you feel strong enough, it is okay to be in contact with her, but you have to make sure you feel ready to do so.

 

 

 

 

P.S. Just out of interest for myself - when you broke up with her last year, what were your doubts about your feelings for her, what kind of things were you feeling and what did you say to her, and how did you realize that you still wanted HER - what kind of contact did you two have?

[cjz]

when we first started going out i was still what i regard as being fairly young and youthful still, even at 20. obviously at the time we were living apart, and i begun to feel like she was obsessing over me. she wouldnt allow me to have some of my own space, and it felt like i couldnt spend time with my friends without her. i broke it up with her when this all came to a head and i felt i couldnt take anymore. After the breakup she continued to be in my presense through my friends, which just wound me up even more, and eventualy my friends took it upon themselves to get behind me and not her, she then became pushed out, and i got the blame for that too, which in fairness i did play a part in. Because it all got heated we didnt speak for a couple of months. Im not sure why my feelings changed towards her, it was a kind of just happened. I suddenly realized id done wrong, and that i really did care for her. when i did get back into contact with her, everything just felt different and really good. I should also say that I had a whole period of my life being easily led and manipulated by people i thought were close friends, and they too played a part in the original downfall, they kept trying to cause doubt in my mind over her, because it became apparent later on that they didnt like me spending so much time with her and not them, not nice friends really. One of these same friends told me today that he had seen my ex out and about, and that she had told them that she was with someone else now, how she had said she had slept with loads of people since our breakup. But even this doesnt sound right to me, i mean if you knew her, she herself is shy and timid, and it just doesnt strike me that it would be true. I just get more and more confused, why would she say these things, or why would they make them up. Im not even in the luxury of contact with her, due to after the breakup (this time) my natural reaction although not right was to bombard her with calls and messages, to which she changed her number to because she probably felt constantly harassed by me.

[Scout]

Let me ask you something - the first time you two broke up, and you realized you cared about her and wanted to get back together with her - were you two still hanging around each somewhat, or had you been in a No Contact mode?

 

RayKay, I know you will particularly want to hear his answer, which is why I'm asking it!

[cjz]

I was in no contact mode, when i realised that I did care about her.

[Scout]

In other words, not being around her gave you a chance to actually miss her - right? I think you might apply that in your situation right now. Give her a chance to miss you, and also think about the possible reasons that led to the break-up. You mentioned she wasn't crazy about where you two lived.

 

Think hard about why she wasn't. Were you different around her with room-mates around? What was she resentful about? Think about the times she expressed her unhappiness with the living arrangements and get an idea of why she was resentful. It might give you a clue as to what you might have done to contribute to her resentment, even if these were unintentional acts on your part. Then you'll know what to work on during the NC time period, and also, do keep some focus on yourself anyway, because NC is for two reasons:

 

1) To give the ex a chance to miss you

2) To give yourself time to heal and make inward personal growth - whether you reconcile with the ex or not.

 

Keep posting here, too - you're not alone!