My biggest relationship issue - ME.

[qwertyukl]

Hello,

 

I am new to this board and am hopefully seeking some help and advice.

 

Let me tell you, I have a fantastic relationship. My fiance is the most amazing, wonderful, caring, kind, trustful, considerate, loyal bloke I will ever be lucky to have met. I love him so much, in fact I absolutely adore him. The day he asked me to marry him was the best day of my life. I cried with happiness.

 

But I have an issue and I am terrified of its potential to completely destroy what we have got. It's me. Lately I have been feeling incredibly jealous over such little minor ridiculous things and I don't know where this has come from. I hate this feeling. Its ugly and feels like a rotting disease that is invading my mind. I feel jealous when he comments about pretty women on tv. I feel jealous when he watches porn. I feel jealous that he has female friends. I feel jealous when he goes out on a night without me. I feel sick with jealousy when he goes on a lads holiday and I can't bare to see his photos because I know it would upset me if he is posing with other women.

 

I know this is all unreasonable and I should trust him as he has never given me reason to believe that he would cheat on me. And I DO trust him. That is the ridiculous thing about all of this. But I dont think trust is the issue here. Jealousy is different and it makes me feel so selfish and mean and bitter and I hate feeling like this.

 

I do not let on my fiance that I feel this way. I have never stopped him doing any of these things that make me feel this way because even at the time I know how unreasonable that would be. I am just scared that these feelings will grow stronger and I will eventually destroy all the goodness and wonderfulness of our relationship. I do not want to hurt him, or myself for that matter.

 

I know I will get some of you who will say I am an awful woman and if I really loved him I would leave him to be happy. I know some of you will say that I need therapy, and yes I am thinking about going down that route if it will help my relationship. I don't want to throw away a good thing just because of my stupid insecurities. I am asking if anyone else has been or is going through a similar experience and if so how did you cope with it and did you overcome it? Is it possible to go from being a super-jealous person to being a chilled out person?

 

Advice, positive or negative, welcome. Thank you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Jealousy is usually tied to insecurity, and yes, therapy is the best approach. At least you have been able to control it so far and not unreasonably lash out at him. That's a quick way to lose someone. In the interim, you can use a form of CBT with yourself. When these jealous thoughts come up, talk them through with yourself. Repeat to yourself all of the reasons he is trustworthy and your thoughts/fears are unfounded. Do this every time you notice yourself thinking about it, and it will slowly retrain your brain to let this fear go. But if your unresolved insecurity issues aren't dealt with, these thoughts will be difficulty to stop completely.

[tattoobunnie]

I remember when I was dating a guy who always had to mention the attractiveness of other girls on TV, in public, etc. While that was more insulting, I would get jealous of female friends he'd hang out with without me...turns out he went on dates with another girl, and was making arrangements to fake marry someone so she could get a Visa...and he was a giant jerk...and he's slept with all of his friends. But once he stepped out of my life...wow, having my name and the term Jealously would never be used in a sentence by anyone who knows me.

 

I think what gets you so upset is that instead of following things up with how you are the best, the most beautiful, and he is the most luckly, and can't live without you...all you get is back-handed comments about the looks and appeal of other women.

 

Honestly, sometimes they do all of this to get a reaction...nip it in the bud! You can go about it two ways. If you're older, this method will not work. but if you're in young to mid-20s, start commenting on other men and their looks, go on wild trips with your gals, flirt for fun. Don't focus and had your mood portend to his actions towards you. And if you're in 30's, get clear with him. Ask him why he feels the need to share with you the looks of other women?? Are you chop liver?

 

Trust me, it's not unreasonable. You're going to marry the guy...you have WAY more weight to throw around now more than ever! Be honest!!!

[MissTammy]

Honestly, I just don't think "throwing your weight around" would be the best idea. You need to talk to him about it though. If he is as kind and considerate as you say then he should understand and respect your feelings.

[qwertyukl]

Thanks for lots of good advice, I especially found oldenoughtoknow advice really helpful and I will definitely follow it.

 

I must agree that I do not want to start shouting my fiance for my jealousy.

 

My fiance is not vulgar when he points out pretty women. He just says things like "oh I used to have a poster of her on my wall" or "I used to only ever watch this show because she was in it". He always talks about it in the past tense so my jealousy really is unreasonable. Yes, admittedly I agree that he doesnt need to inform me of all his crushes. I do not mention mine to his because I do believe in that saying "treat others how you wished to be treated" and because I can't stand him talking about fancying other women then I guess he wouldnt much like to hear about my crushes!

 

Knowing my fiance though, he would probably stop talking about them if I told him how upset it made me. But it sounds so pathetic when I hear myself say it. I don't want to be that person, that woman who gets upset when their man so much as looks in the direction of another woman. I don't own him, I never will and no one can control natural human desire.

 

I will try and tell myself all these things when I next feel jealous. I know my fiance is trustworthy and I guess I have to just hold on to that thought and try not to let the jealousy control my thoughts and actions.

[penelope13]

Well just sit in front of the mirror one day and say all the things aloud that are going through your mind - it will help you a) to get everything out; b) it might be quite therapeutic to actually hear yourself say these things and in response you will realize how unreasonable/unnecessary those concerns are.

 

Otherwise start a journal where you write down all your feelings - also that will help to alleviate the correlated anxiety and might help you to get to a point where your rational brain can kick in again

[qwertyukl]

Wow, can I just say - thanks. This has been really useful and I have had some amazing and helpful advice. I must admit I was worried that I would get a lot of bashing for being needy and insecure but you guys have really seen that I am asking for help and have given me encouraging advice.

 

Thank you so much, and believe me - I will definitely do that mirror thing tonight. Also I like the idea of writing my feelings down. It sounds rather therapeutic. Obviously I will still look into the therapy if things dont improve but I believe that with a bit of self-belief I can overcome these silly fears.

 

Thank you again guys.

[tattoobunnie]

The man who you are gonna to marry can handle your crazy. I know it may sound awful in your head how you may sound, but being authentic, genuine and honest is the best way to go about things. You will also find after sharing how you feel, you may realize that you got worked up more than need be. Think of this way, if he felt horrible about a situation, thought not telling you the truth was the best to protect you, or hid his feelings, how would that make you feel? How would you feel about the strength of your relationship? Keeping something like this to yourself will wind up coming back and exploding, and he'll have no clue as to why. You're getting married. Treat him like a partner. And you're not getting upset because he looks at other women. There is something missing, so until you both talk about it, you're not gonna solve this one by yourself. And trust me, as men get older and wiser (one hopes), they just develop good techniques to look, but never make it obvious.