MY bf is great. But I look for ways to leave the relationship. What is my deal?

[justinfan12]

He has not done anything to make me doubt him. He has not proven to be unfaithful with me. He has been kind and gentle with me. But for some reason I just look for ways to leave the relationship subconsciously and I don't know why. I've been thinking the entire weekend. I do care about him and I do like him, sometimes I think he likes me a lot more but thats okay too.

 

When I am with him things feel great, and calm and just right. But afterwards I feel like getting out of the relationship. I don't know what my problem is exactly. We have been friends before we started going out even then I had this tendency to take time away. I realize back then how selfish that was of me, especially because I did not tell him, I gave him no answer, I just left and wouldn't speak to him for days. I have been mistreated in the past by a few guys whom one forced himself on me but I don't want to put that on him. We have been open and I can be honest with him. I don't want to come off as insecure but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him just by how kind he is with me and patient, and what kind of person would look for ways to end the relationship? I do have strong feelings for him sometimes I am not even aware of it. It feels better to distance myself sometimes and to disappear on him just for a few days because I can't handle why I have these thoughts..

 

Any ideas? What is my problem.. How can I get ontop of this?

[SpottiOtti]

You're deep down not ready for a relationship so you sabotage?

 

You are ready for a relationship but whenever you experience strong feelings they scare you and you aren't sure how to handle them so you distance yourself til they subside?

 

You are ready for a relationship, but sometimes you get triggered by things that happen between you (especially intimacy) and re-experience parts of your trauma, which freaks you out so you run?

 

You aren't really into this guy but he looks good on paper and he's the first to be so understanding and accepting so you stick with it hoping someday you'll feel the spark?

 

These are the four possibilities that jumped out to me when I read your post.

[Hollyj]

Sounds like you have trust and intimacy issues. You're not letting people in!

 

If you don't address you problem, you will continue to repeat this behavior with everyone you get involved with.

 

Not all men are the same; you have to learn to trust and take those walls down.

 

Check out link removed. It deals with people who are emotionally unavailable.

[DylanNotorious]

If your not truly happy in this relationship, it might be time to end things.

[Batya33]

I think that when he tolerates your disappearing acts you lose even more respect for him and are turned off. That's not an honest way to deal with anyone. He's not being patient, he's being a doormat. It's no surprise that you're not that into being with someone who acts like a doormat. I think kindness and patience are admirable qualities we should all work on in our relationships but when it comes from a place of insecurity that's not healthy and it's not very nice -it's kind of manipulative and selfish (I will be nice to you and let you walk all over me so you'll stay with me).

[LDRohnos]

You're not mature enough yet for a relationship. I'm not being mean, just my observation.

[Hollyj]

I agree he is being a doormat because i were him, I would have bailed after the disappearing acts.

 

i do not think this is really about him, as she feels the need to remove herself from the relationship when things are running smoothly. Did you grow up in an environment where there was always drama? Sometimes, we are comfortable with what we know, even if it is not healthy. If this is the case, it's time to change the patterns!

[catcountry]

Is this the same boyfriend you've been with for only 3 months that knows you don't want to have sex right away but.....touches you while he's sleeping?

 

Does the thoughts of leaving the relationship have anything to do with the guy that invited you out to lunch.....even if it was with the workmates?

[LDRohnos]

Oh....yeah I just realized you posted those other threads. You definitely aren't ready for a relationship. 1000% sure of it.

[Deciduous]

Hi Justin,

 

You went through an incredibly traumatic time during your last relationship. It takes time to heal and become whole again when dealing with rape or sexual assault. I don't know whether you attended rape crisis counselling. link removed I truly hope so.

 

What happened was deeply shocking. As I understand it, it was your first sexual experience which makes it even more galling. There are all sorts of feelings of guilt, rage and sorrow that need to be heard.

 

I think you are expecting an awful lot of yourself at this point. To settle securely and healthily into another sexual relationship so soon, when you have been given no opportunity to explore and express feelings about your past.

 

Of course you're drawn to your current boyfriend's gentleness and kind attitude towards you. You feel completely safe with him. You are deeply grateful to him. But is this enough to build a relationship on the embers of an attack which has left you very scared and mistrustful inside. And who can blame you? Possibly your boyfriend is the right person for you - and maybe not.

 

What I question, is the timing!

 

I get the feeling that you are valiantly trying to cope on your own. You deserve at lot more than that. Please give the people at RAINN a call. The people involved with this charity have been through and survived rape and abuse.

 

Don't deal with this on your own. It's too much.

 

God Bless

 

Deci