She broke NC after 3.5 months - next step?

[ONCT]

My ex broke NC after 3.5 months. We broke up in May, I started NC end of June when she sent me a b-day e-mail (read previous post for more detail). I'm doing better but, yes, I still would like to give it a 2nd chance. I do not want to rush into things as we live in 2 different countries (1hr flight) but I am moving back there by the end of this year.

 

Here's what she wrote:

"I know you probably don't want to hear from me and I can assure you I won't bother you. I hope you are doing well in X and wherever you go next.

I couldn't bring myself to respond to your emails back in May and June because I wasn't strong enough. I am very sorry if I had hurt you, I never ever intended to. I never set out to hurt you in any way and I'm very very sorry if I did.

You are a very special person and I have learned tremendously from you whether it be in work or general outlook in life. You showed me how to love and I hope you never lose that side of you. In some way we both had a wall and maybe yours was coming down but I wasn't ready.

I know we can't be friends and I'm not asking for anything. I just want you to know that nothing you did was wrong, I guess we just weren't meant to be. The person that you are, I know there'll be someone out there more worthwhile who'll treasure you."

 

I gave her a call after I got the mail, got on VM and she called me back 2min later. I told her that I still really care for her and that I respect and accept the decision she has made as it was the best thing for her at the time. She told me how great the time we have spent together (10.5 months) was, that I was a great boyfriend and led her and supported her in big decisions she made for her carrier. I felt like she was very emotional and close to be crying. I did tell her I miss her but she didn't answer. She now also knows I will be back in town soon.

 

I am confused as I know I'd like to give us a second chance but don't really know what to do. I feel like at this point, I do not have anything else to loose. I'm moving back to get my life back in order whether it'd be for work (more exciting position than where I am) or being with my friends and get some social life back.

 

At one point, I will need to know if there is a chance but what should I do right now? Wait until she contacts me again, send a little note saying it was nice to hear from her? She's very busy at the moment with the start of her MBA so timing is crucial.

 

Any point of view is welcome...

[learning2relax]

Leave her alone. Feel good that she was able to show you empathy for the breakup. You stated you respected her decision. The best you can do is to continue to do so. If she is going to consider anything otherwise, it will help that you were so good to her not only in the relationship, but after the relationship as well.

 

Stay the course.

[Doofus]

I just read your thread describing your break up etc. I think you need to let her come to you unless you said something from which she might infer that you don't want any contact from her anymore. From your description that doesn't seem to be the case. If I missed it and you did say something like that, your next move should be to mention something to your mutual friend (if she's still a confidante and rooting for a reunion) that you really regret saying whatever you said and wish you could take it back. Something like that. Have the mutual friend mention it to your ex. If your ex is interested that will get the ball rolling. That said, based on your description, I'm not sure she is interested in reuniting. Sounds like she feels bad, like she still has feelings for you, but not like she wants you back necessarily.

Time will tell.

[ONCT]

Thanks L2R, i'm moving on with my life, doing what's right for me too and me moving back to that city is primarily motivated by the fact that I am not happy where I am right now. But in the back of my mind, there is also a part of me that thinks if there is slight chance of getting back together it will be easier than being LDR.

I will definitely not put any pressure on her and continue focus on myself and let her be. I just don't want to miss the opportunity if there is chance for us.

[ONCT]

Doofus, I have not said anything I want to take back. I just didn't reply to her e-mail for my b-day back in June. I told her on the call this week-end that I care about her and it's not like I don't want to hear anything from her ever. I have not talked to the mutual friend since July, she's really her friend and was really supporting our relationship.

I think you are right about 'time will tell', hopefully it will tell a good story...

[learning2relax]

You don't have to look or wait for the opportunity. If there is one, and if it is meant to be, you will know. It isn't anything you have to wait for. Otherwise it is like watching a pot of water boil. For some damn reason, when you sit there watching it boil, it seems to take 2 to 3x longer than if you put the water on the stove, turned it on and walked away. When you pop back in the room you think - oh my gosh....already? Reality, the time is the same. Staying occupied is healthier and gives you the perception of it moving faster. Sitting and waiting gets frustrating, plays with your emotions....because it feels like it is taking forever.

 

Good for you. Stay the course. You will be fine. You did well. Keep it up.

[SethSLC]

Sounds like she feels bad, like she still has feelings for you, but not like she wants you back necessarily.

Time will tell.

 

I pretty much agree with this part completely. It is a crappy boat to be in, believe me I know, but there isn't anything you can do about it except like was suggested continue to respect her decision to be apart. Don't avoid any contact she reaches out with but you shouldn't start any from your end.

[ONCT]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback.

I'm not going to do anything at this point.

I have a sense she was surprised I called her, she might (but who knows) be a little confused after I talked to her and I have left the door open by telling her I miss her and what we had.

I want to put the break-up in the past, it had to happen for her to sort out the things in her life, it sucks I got hurt but I'll survive. She wrote she wasn't ready at the time, maybe she is now but she needs to figure out by herself if she wants to give it another chance or not. She knows I'm coming back so it will be up to her.

[ONCT]

L2R,

When you say 'If there is one, and if it is meant to be, you will know', do you mean that if there is a chance she will or should make it obvious? I know you don't know the girl, but what if she's scared of asking? Or time goes by with nothing coming from my side and she gives up?

She was the one chasing me before we started the relation and she did mention a few times during that she had made all the effort.

[learning2relax]

L2R,

When you say 'If there is one, and if it is meant to be, you will know', do you mean that if there is a chance she will or should make it obvious? I know you don't know the girl, but what if she's scared of asking? Or time goes by with nothing coming from my side and she gives up?

She was the one chasing me before we started the relation and she did mention a few times during that she had made all the effort.

 

If she made the effort before, she will do so again. If enough time has passed (say 4-6 mos) and you haven't heard anything, and you are capable of sending a very benign email that is more informational, not requesting anything - and you can have ZERO expectations of a response, it might provide her a cue to respond.

 

That is about the best you can do. And i know you are looking for the answers.....All you have to do is remain positive. Move towards and hopefully get to acceptance. Stay positive. Let the past be the past. No words need to be spoken, written or exchanged for the past to be in the past. Words no matter how they are communicated, in an attempt to put the past in the past - do the opposite, they keep everything in the present. Do things for you to help you get to a more positive place and where you are feeling good about yourself. The confidence will follow.

 

When you are there, you just know..... Frustrating to hear now, I know.....but I have had this experience. All the analysis in the world never predicted anything that actually took place in reality. So keep those good energy vibrations alive and well and you will know when you have arrived. Regardless of her and the state of your relationship or contact.

 

One step at a time......one foot in front of the other.

[EgoJoe]

She respects you and that is a very big factor. Yet she has clearly stated what she wants at this time. So, continue healing and moving on.

[ONCT]

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Respect myself, respect her and her decision. But to be honest, it's hard right now to know that she valued me, probably still does but that we can not be together.

She's told me how good I was to her during the relationship and that I did nothing wrong. I've told her that her last word in her mail about 'someone more worthwhile for me' is not the way she should look at it. She is a great person and deserves to be happy as anyone else.

I want her back and give ourselves a real chance, but I can not make her want that. I believe and hope my actions, or lack of actions, and constant support will make her realize that we are good for each other, but maybe that's not enough for her. She is the type of girl I am looking for in my life. I know people will say there are billions out there, but it feels like once you've found one, there are no other...

[ONCT]

Well, i'm not doing very good. Since our conversation on Saturday, I've lost sleep. It's 3 nights in a row now that I wake up between 3 and 4AM and I'm not able to fall back asleep.

My mind is racing, everytime I feel like I'm going to fall asleep there is like a jolt or an adreline rush that keeps me awake.

I don't know what to do with my situation. I know I should not contact her for her own good right now but it's killing me not to know what to expect. She has stated that she was happy with me, she's said that the break-up came because she wasn't ready and how great I was to her.

Would contacting her friend who has helped me a lot during the 1st 2 months of the break-up be a bad idea? I don't know if she's with someone else, I doubt it but you never know.

Or stick to the wait and see and be in limbo until my situation changes here.

[ONCT]

Any words of wisdom from anyone?

 

There are so many what ifs that are going through my mind. What if she wants to be with me but thinks I don't want her back? What if she wants to be with me but she's scared of hurting me again? What if I wait by doing nothing (which is what I'm set for) and she's waiting for me to do something?

[lonelyheart2]

Don't send anything!!!! Try not to focus too much on the email, I think if she wants to give the relationship another try she will come to you, in the mean time try and focus on getting back to how you felt before the contact hopefully sleeping, eating well and getting on with your life

[ONCT]

Looks like the general consensus is that I should do nothing, which I'm accepting.

 

Slept better last night, still an early rise but 5:30AM is better than 3AM.

 

I'm still a little in the 'what if she's scared and has anchored in her mind that she doesn't deserve me and doesn't want to hurt me again'.

But I'm far, she's busy with her MBA so even if I was to do something, it wouldn't change anything. Why try to reconcile when you're LD, and add complexity to an already complex situation.

 

I hope people are right that if she wants or thinks about reconciling she will do what's necessary.

[mhowe]

Everyone is going to tell you the same thing. You said you respected her decision. So that's what you need to do. She can decide at some point if she wants to put more effort out --- at this point in time, she is not scared or any of the other justifications you are trying to create to get in touch with her. Let her come if that is what the future holds. You --- do nothing. Get on with life.

[ONCT]

I hate this... I'm doing nothing about it, it's the right thing to do but... my hopes are up and that's what bothers me.

I really love this girl. She was in love with me but because of her being scared and 'not ready' and other external factors she decided to put a stop to it. I respect her decision as it's what's best for her to resolve her problems of commitment, family and uncertainties.

 

Now, she's doing better, has sent me an apology letter, said how great the time we've spent together was, how great I was to her, how special I am. Plus I'm going back to our city after 1 year away of which 6.5 months was LDR and the other 7 months were apart. So of course my hopes are up for a potential reconciliation.

 

She knows I miss her, she knows I'm coming back. Should my hopes really be up? I wish they were not.

Is she with someone else, I doubt it, but she's a great girl.

 

Can a dumper want to reconcile if the main argument at the time of the break-up was that she was not the right on for me?

[mhowe]

No one can answer that for you ONCT. And really, you should probably try and make that hope a more realistic expectation. No one, not even her, knows what the future will bring. If that hope is your only focus --- you are opening yourself for potential heartache in the future. Why not move forward with the hope that she may be part of your future --- but regardless, all that you have shared has helped make you the man you are today. And so is this time apart.

[ONCT]

thanks for the kind words mhowe. I know hope is good but too much hope is self destructive and hurting.

Let's make it a positive day, I'm soon to be back and be with my friends again, work and social life will be better. I will make changes for me that will make me happier.

And let's also be happy for her that she's better and that she's doing the things that make her happy.

One day maybe we'll have a chance to be happy again together or maybe it will be happy with someone else.

[ONCT]

Damn I hate today.

I can't shake it out of my head. I want to know if there is a chance, I want to know what she's thinking, I want to know if she's talked about her message and our conversation to her friends and what they've told her back (I know they all loved me and approved me), I want to know if there is a future for us.

Doing nothing is so hard but doing anything would be so wrong.

Move on with my life, do the things I like, I know all that, right now it's not happening until I go back in hopefully less than 2 months.

[vel2011]

ONCT - if you read my original thread / posts, I am in an almost identical situation to you...

 

- gf broke up with me 2.5 mths ago after 2.5 years - honestly struggling to believe I will ever meet anyone I love as much or am more attracted to - the most beautiful girl (and person) I've ever met in my life

- Her reasons - we're 'too similar', not sure we're right for each other, she's only 24, spark had gone a bit etc etc

- Never any big arguments, no particular reason

- I went NC immediately and haven't initiated once - since the BU I have had calls / messages from her breaking NC every 2-3 weeks and accepted a lunch meet a week or so ago

 

In all those conversations since the BU she has said to me.... 'thankyou for being so wonderful to me...you couldn’t have done anymore', 'I never knew a guy could be so good to me', 'this is the hardest decision of my life because I love you and think I always will in some way', 'I will always be here for you if you need someone and care about you..that will never change' etc etc. She even messaged me on fb when she saw a picture from my bday a few weeks ago of me with a friend (a girl) asking if I was seeing her because it looked like there was chemistry! Unbelievable considering I am not yet at a stage where I can even think about another girl like that!

 

But has she come back. No! Will she ever come back - who knows. Have I given up hope...no. But what I am trying to do is get to a point where I forgive myself for things I could have done to keep her (not become a bit needy and stopped concentrating on my own life rather than making her my life), accept that she is gone and get on with my life. I have made changes and am trying, but it will be a long road.... last week I thought I was doing quite well. This week I have been an emotional wreck, just can’t get the ‘I wish we were still together and look what I’ve lost’ thoughts out my head.

 

The point is... am I going to initiate contact and ask all those questions I have, digging for her feelings and exactly what she is doing / thinking, ask her if she's changed her mind, try and finally really understand exactly what her reasons and thought processes were... No! And you shouldn’t either. Because at the end of the day, I have told her that I love her enough to respect her decision and I want her to be happy, which is true. It hurts like hell, but I really do think the best thing is to try to reflect and accept…

 

Reflect on what you could have done to perhaps avoid the situation, learn from the relationship, make yourself a better person, try to enjoy the times when you aren’t thinking about her constantly. It is hard because to do all this I think we have to completely let go, which itself is something we want to avoid because it is like getting to a point where you don’t want to love them…. But what else can we do. They know how we feel – surely if they have a change of heart, they will tell us. But chasing won’t change their decision – and what if they turn round and say ‘yeah I’m fine, pretty much moved on, dating this guy….’. I’d rather not know!!

[ONCT]

hey Vel,

I hear you, it's really strange how the person we love, who loves you in return can make such hard decisions. I honestly respect and understand her decision, it's not that she fell out of love, not that I did anything wrong but just that she wasn't ready and had her problems to take care of. It sounds like at the time, the LDR, our relationship were just too much for her to deal with. She's seen a counselor since, she's started her MBA (that I've supported her to do).

 

I have accepted all that, I've accepted our time apart and during that time I've done the things I love to do and wanted to do where I am right now as it was a temporary assignment. What I have problems accepting is why not giving it another chance? Now that we know the reasons of the break-up, that we have made some changes, why not try again? As you say, who knows what the future is like? I don't, she doesn't but if everything was great before, why not trying to catch that again? I don't know if she was the love of my life, but I know we were not given the chance to find that out.

 

Hang in there Vel. What makes me hang in there is knowing that there are so many people in my family, friends and work that value who I am. I know she values me, she wouldn't have written and told me those words otherwise (not after 3.5 months NC), but if she can't transform this into giving it another chance, then really, it wasn't meant to be. I don't know how long it's going to take me to really let go, but at one point I will, and you will too. Time, fate, destiny or anything of higher power will lead us there.