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Its my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cherylca

By cherylca
in Breaking Up Advice

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cherylca Newbie

cherylca

Posted
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I met my ex shortly after my father died. I was not in a good place and very insecure. I had issues about him going on nights out as i always felt he was going to leave me. If i ever rang him whilst he was out he would switch his phone off which would make me more anxious and i would send him hurtful messages.

 

He never complimented me or made me feel like he thought i was attractive and he would constantly buy lads mags which made me feel worse. I don't feel bad about my looks btw. I just felt unattractve to him.

 

We often got on ok but when we didn't he would turn his phone off sometimes for up to a week.

We decided to move in together and he gave up his almost derilict home to live with me. I got promoted and it all went pear shaped i was very stressed and shouted a lot about housework and garden not getting done etc. If we had an argument he would often leave and not come back til the next day. I would be ill with worry and feel physically sick.

 

in the end the arguing got worse because of me and he left. He is now living at his mams and has told me he wont be coming back although we still see each other he said it will never result in us living together again. So what do i do i am living in the mess that i created. I love him and i want what we had togrther again

He was out last night and said he would ring when he got home. I never suggested that he did. but he never rang and when i rang him his phone was off and yes i started with the hurtful messages . Please help me i know its all my doing but i think i am going to crack up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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sara-pezzini Mentor

sara-pezzini

Posted
Posted

you got to keep your insecurities in check and stop immediately with the hurtful messages every time he doesn't pick up....have your own life, show him you can be independent, show him you can be the person he fell in love with and stop with the clingy behavior cause if you keep this up you will drive him away for good....if ever i am angry or hurt or frustrated i do write the message or put it on paper but i NEVER send it, that way you do get the feelings out and you won't unnecassarily hurt the other person, for me this helped keep my insecurities in check and i never bother my bf with them, and never hurt him...because i know you regret those messages later right? wish you didn't send them? well then do write them but don't send them...and maybe talk to him about why you are so anxious, explain it to him cause now you might come off as clingy and maybe if he knows where you are coming from and can understand you it will benefit the relationship.. communication and understanding each oter is key

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cherylca Newbie

cherylca

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I know what your saying is right but he has known about my insecurities for five years now and he has never done anything to help me with them. we talked about the switching the phone off thing and he said he understood and he wouldn't do it again but he has. Its not like i try to ring him all the time i rang him once at 12pm and it was off and it is still off now and probably will be for the rest of the day. Its like he knows what it does but he wont stop doing it. He only sees and speaks to me when he feels like it. I never arrange a day its always him and i now wait til he contacts me majority of the time. I feel like a puppet on a string

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sara-pezzini Mentor

sara-pezzini

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Posted

i get how that must feel, maybe now stop contacting him and if he calls don't pick up,switch off your phone now, let him feel how it feels! i bet he won't like it!! i would give him a taste of his own medicin, i am not one for playing games ever, but if it has been 5 years and he won't even try to understand or do something to change then clearly he doesn't feel the need to change, maybe by doing it to him he'll understand it better....so ignore him now for a while, cause he knows he can do this sort of thing cause you're always there waiting, and now by ignoring him and not send hurtful messages, cause that is still a form of attention, maybe it will send a proper message...i do feel for you though!

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catfeeder Grand Master

catfeeder

Posted
Posted
I know what your saying is right but he has known about my insecurities for five years now and he has never done anything to help me with them. […]

 

It's not his job to help you manage your own behavior, that's your job.

 

The minute someone says "I know, BUT…" in response to the advice they've sought, that's the sign of an unproductive conversation.

 

Attempts to rationalize, justify or defend behaviors you don't wish to continue are not the way to change them. Either you want to grow into someone who owns self control, or you don't. It's a decision.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

Posted
Posted

He sounds like a loser to me.

 

He lived in a dump of a house, which he gladly abandoned to live with you.

 

He would never pick up his phone when he was out with his friends - That's shady.

 

Constantly buying porno magazines? Porn is normal, but that just seems sleezy.

 

He turned off his phone for days, just to avoid conflict.

 

And now he lives with his mother.

 

I'm not saying you don't have issues of your own to work out. It certainly sounds like you have serious problems with insecurity and anger ... But this guy just sounds like a jerk to me.

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