Can a guy date 2 women he really cares about?

[edougale]

I broke off with my ex about a year and a half ago. He started seeing someone else 6 months ago. I've posted here before. I moved back into same apt. complex as him about a year ago and we are still friends. I told him I still love him and would like to get back with him but he said he is seeing someone else now and would be hard to date both of us at the same time. He obviously will not break it off with her and I dont expect him to. I am just asking for equal time as her so he can sort out his feelings and see which one of us he would rather be with. He said he is not in love with her but he cares about her alot. (What does THAT mean?) He said he still loves me and always will because we spent years together. He spends every weekend with her so I can't get to first base with him on the weekends. He said I can come over to watch a movie, dinner or whatever sometime during the week. (He doesn't see her at all during the week) but he said he cannot get involved with me as far as sex, kissing,etc because that would be cheating on the other one. Can I get an honest opinion from the guys out there as to why you wouldn't want to date two women at the same time? What would you do in my predicament? What is the best way to handle this?

[bestfootforward]

I wouldn't want to do it because I would hope that there is one person who i cared about more and I would want to spend all my time with that person.

[LynnTex]

Well, I can say that if the guy doesn't want a lot of headache and heartache, he's better off not dating two people he really cares about at the same time.

 

I did it with my ex and another girl I had started dating (after my ex and I had initially broken up) for about six months, and all it did eventually was create jealousy and resentment from both.

 

I had to deal with being torn emotionally between someone I still had love for and a history with and someone I recently started dating and was still in the infatuation phase with. I knew it was hurting them, and myself.

 

In the end, I think it just isn't going to work.

My $.02

[edougale]

Thanks for the replies. I can see your points. He doesn't consider seeing me as 'dating' though. We are just talking and hanging out. She knows nothing about me. But I know about her. I don't think he would ever tell her either that I wanted to get back with him because then she would probably want to stop seeing him and he would feel like he hurt her for no reason. I am willing to stay in the sidelines and wait because I really do not want to date anyone else. He knows how I feel so I figure maybe just playing the waiting game for awhile would be okay. If he shows no signs of wanting to start something up with me, then I will know for sure I guess. But wouldn't you guys want to find out which one you would be more happy with? I am just afraid if he continues to see her much longer, he may end up falling in love with her. If I am in the picture, maybe he won't?? Or would it make any difference?

[JustPlainSad]

You broke up with him and broke his heart. Now you have a change of heart and you are asking to spend equal time with him compared to the girl he is seeing now? I don't think you have the right to even think that let alone ask for that.

[edougale]

Just Plain Sad: I did not break up with him. We both decided to stop seeing one another, a mutual thing. I took that as having time apart to see if we would be happier just moving on or wanting to get back together after some time.

 

LynnTex: What happened after you dated them both? Who did you stay with?

[Kittengirl]

To be honest, he has been seeing this girl for 6 months and you have taken a year and a half to decide you want him back, if I were him I would continue with the new girl and you should really back off and give them chance. I know it's hard as you still have feelings for him but you aren't being fair to him. If he is making a mistake then he will return to you in the end but if not it's just the way it's supposed to be. I don't mean to be harsh but how can you see him and know he's seeing someone else? You will end up very confused and hurt as will the other girl who has been kept in the dark through out this.

[Clarabelle]

Edougale, I can sympathize. I broke up with my husband, but I never wanted it to be permanent. I asked him to leave so that we could get some perspective on our constant fighting which was not good for us or our little daughter. But he was hurt and angry and started seeing a former co-worker who helped him find a place to live. Now they are essentially living together. He told me a number of times that he wasn't into her and that he wasn't sexually attracted to her. We became intimate again about a month and a half ago, but he still maintained his relationship and residence with her, while telling me he wanted to come back, he just wasn't ready. At first I was patient. Then with time, and healing, and more judicious NC, I started feeling less like I wanted to be with him. I couldn't respect him for not telling his gf the truth and for keeping me on a string, and that really took away my feeling for him.

[edougale]

KittenGirl: I just thought by us being together, it would bring back the feelings he once had for me if he still loves me like he says he does. Then he would be more able to make a decision. But I guess you are right. It would be confusion and hurt for me. I am sure he would not even tell the other woman if he was even seeing me so that would probably make him resent me in the long run? Do you think staying 'friends' is okay?

 

Clarabelle: How do you feel about your ex husband now? Have you moved on? I know you said just keeping you on a string is what made you lose respect for him in the long run. This is not the case with us as he did say he WON"T date us both. I was just wondering what would happen if he did but guess now I know. Did your ex tell you why he would not break it off with the other woman?

[Clarabelle]

Edougale, he said that he just wanted it that way (to have a gf) for now. I decided that I didn't want to be part of the deception and I wasn't able to respect him. Plus since the breakup he has started using pot and booze a lot (the gf is an alcoholic and they go out to bars a lot). I just didn't want to be part of his messy life. He said "fine, I never told you what to do with your life. I just want to be able to see my lilttle girl." I responded that if that was truly the case, we should go ahead and get a separation agreement that has clear rules and everyone knows what to expect. Either that or he should come back to his family. His issue with me is about power and control. He doesn't like hearing these things because he wants to be the one to decide how and when he comes back. He doesn't recognize that he still has that power; I'm simply choosing not to be intimate with him and going on with my life.

[Day_Walker]

It is possible to date two females at one time. However it becomes complicated in your situation because you still love him. Casually a guy can date two girls or vice versa but it becomes much more involving when you start incorporating emotions which you still have for him. The best thing is for you to let it go and move on to other guys but lets face it your not gonna listen to that. There is going to be too much drama if you date two women at the same time, especially when they find out about eachother, this has its good points and bad, the females are then forced to compete with eachother for the guys affection, this is when the situation turns ugly. A relationship is a two way street, if one party is unwilling to be in a relationship then it wont work, realize that and move on.

[edougale]

Thanks for your input, DayWalker. You are right, I did not want to hear that (about letting go). I don't know that I CAN let go at this time. We had been together for several years and there is so much history there. He is so much everywhere in my thoughts in my daily life. If I ever get over him, it may well take years...