False hope

[herewegoagain]

I've been thinking lately how i still hope that my ex gf might want to reconcile someday.

 

What am I thinking? She broke up with me about 4-5 weeks ago, and went directly to another man. She has not even shown a bit of remorse, and she only contacted me just to get some of her things out of my house.

 

So basically, she has moved on so why the heck do I have hope?

 

Has anyone else been in a situation where your ex doesn't want anything to do with you(and was seeing someone else), and out of the blue they call you back maybe 3-4 months down the road? I doubt it.

 

But if so, please share (See, I still have a slight hope - what an idiot i am)

[Vert]

It's hard man. My ex-gf and I had a very amicable breakup, but I can't hold out any hope either. To do so means you aren't moving forward with your life, and you will be stuck in an emotional rut for a lot longer than you need to be (we all go through a big emotional downtime after a breakup regardless).

 

You are still hoping she comes back because you love her and miss her. This is natural. I still suffer from the same thing, but I have to keep reminding myself that she is not my gf anymore and she wanted to break it off so the onus is on her. I sometimes wish she would just call me and want to reconcile, but instead I try to refocus on what life holds for me and not her. Try to focus on not thinking about her or if she's thinking about you. It will only hold you back, trust me on that one.

[rich46]

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a little bit of hope. It's only natural. We all hope that our exes will see sense and come running back to us in time, even if we don't want them back! It is because noone likes the feeling of rejection, and if they ever come back then it will do wonders for our self esteem! I bet that it has happened before, but as long as you keep looking forward and not obsessing about her maybe coming back, then you are on the right track. Afterall, it has only been 4 weeks for you, and 6 weeks for me. But in say, 6 months time, I would like to think that the 50% of me that hopes for a reconciliation will be reduced to about 5% or less!

[bestfootforward]

I'm in a similar situation, except when i speak to her she talks about how her new life is 'numb' and she thinks about me in her spare time rather than her new man. She says that she hopes this is just coz its so soon after such a long and intense relationship, I say I hope you haven't messed up true love.

 

Basically I'm so full of hope that its ruining my ability to get on with my own life. Tonight I'm planning to meet up with her and get her to tell me all sorts of unpleasant stuff about her new relationship and sex life and stuff so that I can hammer it through my head that it's over.

 

I'll let you know how it goes...

 

I'd rather get better than get her back, but I'd rather get her back than never get better.

[RayKay]

It is normal to have hope, and also, the fact that she so quickly went to someone shows that whatever she says, she is not "really" over you, just replacing you for the time being and avoiding dealing with not really being with you. She is very likely rebounding, so don't think about it too much.

 

Not sure that getting her to tell you all about her new life is the best idea though - it might hammer things in your head yes, but could also get you angry, or hurting a lot more.

 

I know it is very frustrating. I am 3.5 months on from my breakup, and I still love him. I don't want to be with him out of fear, or control, or loss...but purely out of love, and it is tough to wonder if that chance will ever occur. Very tough.

[herewegoagain]

RayKay - good points. YOu say it's been 3.5 months. Have you had any contact?

 

Rebounding is a funny thing - some last forever, some 2-3 years, some 2-3 months. Who knows - like Rich said, hopefully only about 5% of me will want her back when I reach the 6 month time period of my breakup.

[RayKay]

RayKay - good points. YOu say it's been 3.5 months. Have you had any contact?

 

Yes, we are in fairly regular contact. Mostly due to some interests that we have in common that mean we see each other for that, and we also have been maintaining a friendship of sorts. There have been times that friendship though has been in "jeopardy" by either by my impatience, or interference from family/friends on his end - we had a shaky couple days last week, but seem to be okay again.

 

Of course, it all depends on the circumstances of the break up and the people involved as to what the best path is to take.

[chai714]

I've been thinking lately how i still hope that my ex gf might want to reconcile someday.

 

Realize that things are not going to just happen without your taking some kind of action. RayKay is right - she doesn't really like this guy, especially if you guys were together for any significant amount of time - he's a rebound. Take a few weeks to clear your head, then come up with a strategy.

[RayKay]

To add to Chai's post above...a good attitude for you to take towards your ex (without being overly pushy) is the following:

 

1) You understand they need to do some growing and to figure things out

2) You have faith they WILL figure things out

3) That they are crazy for letting you go

4) That you hope they figure #2 and #3 out in time, before it is too late!

 

When you are in contact with your ex, just keep those things in your head. At times, it is okay to slip something into conversation at an opportune time about how crazy they are for letting you go. At the time they might not think anything of it...but the subconscious is a funny thing, and in time, it might creep up in their own mind.

[anon728]

chai, with herewegoagain's ex seeing someone else, is it wise to have any sort of strategy that includes the ex? If by a strategy you mean better yourself, meet new people, take up a new hobby, then ok. However, what kind of strategy should he, or others in his shoes do? He's said what he wanted to say to her, she probably knows that she could go back to him, at this point, I think it is better to let her be for a few months.

 

I guess my thing with these strategies is that they seem to be done by people that aren't really over their ex's...they still feel like they 'need' them as opposed to 'wanting' them. I know this because I am in the same situation as herewegoagain, and I know that I still feel like I need my ex, even though I would not be nearly as emotional as I was before.

[RayKay]

I'll answer this...and a good reference would be to read MyJoy's post - Strategy for Getting Back Together. Even if they are seeing someone else, there IS a strategy - your strategy is to not let that other person affect you. Pretend that all is well. Chances are, that other person will get jealous of you and your ex spending time/talking to one another and jealousy will rear its ugly head. If you are not jealous, it looks good on you.

 

To your last comment. No, I am not over my ex. But I want to be with him NOT because I need him. I truly want him. I love him dearly. I don't need him as I have been without him before and been fine, and because if I wanted, I KNOW there are many other men I know or don't know yet who would love to be with me. But I love my ex dearly, even through his journey of singleness! If we reconcile, I will be very very happy and dedicated to making it work. If we don't, I value what I did have with him no less, nor do I regret my journey to that point.

 

Those who don't use "strategies" but still want their ex are not over them either, so it is no different, just a different approach.

[anon728]

RayKay, I agree with both of your posts, and I guess my thing is that there should be a considerable amount of time of NC before trying to make contact with your ex. Maybe this is part of my strategy.

 

herewegoagain and I are in the same situation...dumped, with an ex that started seeing someone right away. My view is that I'll give her a few months to be with this guy solely, and I'll use that time to better myself. Then, if I feel like it, I'll contact her and see how things go...by that time, the honeymoon period should be over for them, and I'll be in more control.

 

Sorry to take this off topic...I just wanted to give my opinion that, in this situation, I think a couple of months solo helps all three people involved, before executing a strategy.

[rich46]

Realize that things are not going to just happen without your taking some kind of action.

Nonsense. How do you know this for sure? Is executing a strategy any more likely to get herewegoagain's ex back than by staying away? Just because myjoy did this does not mean it is the only way. Who is to say whether myjoy's ex would have come back without his so-called strategy.

 

In herewegoagain's case, he has told her how he feels and that should be the end of it. By thinking 'I'm going to initiate contact when the dust settles...' he is not going to get over her and heal. The hope will increase until one day it will all hit him again. If she wants him back when this rebound fails, then she is fully aware that his door has been left open slightly.

[chai714]

Is executing a strategy any more likely to get herewegoagain's ex back than by staying away?

 

It's amazing how much we all look up to Myjoy - great story the way. But realize that what works for some people may not work for you, as each situation is unique. To answer your question whether or not executing a strategy is anymore likely to get your ex back than by staying away - What if staying away IS your strategy? You've got limited choices when you want something - you can hope for it to happen, or you can TRY to make things happen. I'm not saying to force things, but you can in most circumstances INFLUENCE them, which puts the odds a little more in your favor.

[anon728]

There are obviously a few schools of thought here. I tend to agree with rich46's view: she left, started seeing someone else, you made your peace, now let her be and move on. Sure her current bf is a rebound, but that doesn't mean it won't turn into something genuine, and how would you feel when that happened?

 

For me personally, I wouldn't be able to be in contact with my ex as a friend now, and thereforeeee, I'm not being fair to either of us (not like she deserves for me to be fair to her). I would be constantly reading into everything, and trying to construct every piece of communication to make sure it fit into the strategy, et cetera. My life would be consumed with trying to get her back.

[rich46]

Is executing a strategy any more likely to get herewegoagain's ex back than by staying away?

 

It's amazing how much we all look up to Myjoy - great story the way. But realize that what works for some people may not work for you, as each situation is unique. To answer your question whether or not executing a strategy is anymore likely to get your ex back than by staying away - What if staying away IS your strategy? You've got limited choices when you want something - you can hope for it to happen, or you can TRY to make things happen. I'm not saying to force things, but you can in most circumstances INFLUENCE them, which puts the odds a little more in your favor.

I hear what you're saying, and if staying away is called a strategy, then so be it! I just don't like hearing a lot of people encouraging someone to initiate contact with their ex, as if it is the only way that they are going to get them back. My argument is that while it may put the odds slightly in your favour, it may also do the opposite. But one thing's for sure, initiating contact with your ex will lead to more hurt. I guess the question is, are you prepared to go through this pain (especially if the ex is with another person) to try and win back your ex (even though in my view, it is debatable whether it is a positive move)?

 

I don't think I'll feel like doing that for a long time, if ever. If other people are strong enough to do that, then good luck to them.

 

Rich

[anon728]

Additionally, not spending a significant amount of time apart (months not weeks), in my mind, does not let the dumpee really take a look at the relationship to see if it was even right. In my case, I find myself saying, 'Well, if she would only change this, this, and this, and we worked on this, then everything would be fine.' That's not wanting HER back, that is wanting SOMEONE in my life.

 

Trust me, I'm not over my ex, and I have good days and bad days, and it has been 2.5 months since the breakup, however, I just know myself enough that if I tried to do the friend thing right now, I may say all the right things, and I may even get my ex back, but it would not be a new relationship, it would just be rekindling the old flame, and most likely, end with the same result. My view is that people that successfully get back together do so as a truly new relationship. It's almost like you both need to go away and then come back.

[chai714]

But one thing's for sure, initiating contact with your ex will lead to more hurt.

 

This is not necessarily true. It's a situational thing here. It all depends on a number of variables which include time together (as a couple), the reason(s) for the breakup, strength of relationship, strength of each party (as individuals) and many others. Initiating contact will not always lead to more hurt - communicating with them CAN help you better understand their position and thereforeeee help you make future decisions (to strategize, or to walk away). The bottom line is that no 2 breakups are the same and thereforeeee must be tailored with a different strategy for each one. There are things that would probably generally work, but then you'll have to tailor it to your situation and take it step by step. Complicated issue, and I am by no means very knowledgable (but I'm learning).

[rich46]

Initiating contact will not always lead to more hurt - communicating with them CAN help you better understand their position and thereforeeee help you make future decisions (to strategize, or to walk away).

For sure, sometimes contact will make you feel better (see my advice: link removed )

That's a whole diferent ball game. Contacting your ex for clarity, closure etc is a good thing and you are right, it may well make you feel better.

 

But I'm talking about initiating contact with the sole aim of trying to win your ex back. That is dangerous, and is why I am not as quick to advise it as some people on here. In some situations, it may be necessary like if you need to show your ex that you have changed etc. But in herewegoagain's case, he has told his ex how he feels, and if there is any contacting to do in the future then I think she should be the one to do it.

 

I agree with your point about each situation being different. That is why whoever reads my advice, or your advice, or myjoy's advice, should take it with a pinch of salt.

 

I just give advice based on my own experiences over the last couple of months.

 

Interesting stuff though...

 

Rich

[chai714]

But I'm talking about initiating contact with the sole aim of trying to win your ex back. That is dangerous, and is why I am not as quick to advise it as some people on here.

 

Good call Rich, you're right on the money about it being dangerous - especially if you EXPECT something to happen. Good call on that one.

[herewegoagain]

Also, as in Anon's and my case, how in the heck could we contact our ex when they are with someone else? Because right now, our ex's show no interest in us.

 

MyJoy and others always say - "when you contact her or meet up with her, act cool, confident, don't beg, etc." That's all good, but HOW IS ALL THAT POSSIBLE WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR EX WILL NOT WANT TO MEET/TALK TO YOU ANYWAY? SHE (IMMEDIATELY) WENT TO SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

myJoy and others don't understand when they say don't even think about her new man, and don't mention to her that it bothers you, be supportive, etc. I think some of you people live in a dreamworld. How the heck are you supposed to do all these things without being able to see her or talk to her?

 

Think about it - why in the world would she want to even talk to or see me when she is totally having fun (about 5 weeks now) with her new guy?

 

Obviously NC is the only way to go, especially after she knows exactly how I feel about her.

[RayKay]

myJoy and others don't understand when they say don't even think about her new man, and don't mention to her that it bothers you, be supportive, etc. I think some of you people live in a dreamworld. How the heck are you supposed to do all these things without being able to see her or talk to her?

 

Think about it - why in the world would she want to even talk to or see me when she is totally having fun (about 5 weeks now) with her new guy?

 

 

MyJoy's ex went to another guy very soon after they broke up, so I think he knows and they did not talk for a while either. He does advocate NC...but only for a limited time. If the ex never wants to talk to you ever again, well maybe you ought to rethink the people they are anyway and what their true feelings are/may have been. The point is when you ARE in contact again to pretend the ex does not matter.

[herewegoagain]

RayKay - how long was myJoy in NC before he contacted her? When he first contacted her, was it just a hello and how are you doing? I've read through that post, but not all of it. thanks.

[RayKay]

RayKay - how long was myJoy in NC before he contacted her? When he first contacted her, was it just a hello and how are you doing? I've read through that post, but not all of it. thanks.

 

I cannot pick out his length of NC from the others in my head, but I think it was a couple-few months. I am not sure, but I think in his case she may have called him first and they started talking casually. But as I said, I am not totally sure that was the case!

[ryan14]

hello herewegoagain

 

myJoy's EXGF didn't call him for 2 months, check this link

 

link removed

 

And here's the other summary of his story, check this link

 

link removed

 

i hope it inspired you myJoys major strategy was basically to heal.