why we can't compramise?

[millaj]

Me and my ex have been off and on since 1997. We are madly in love with eachother and have been for so very long, but I think that we have that type of relationship where it is just love/hate.

 

This time around we've been broken up for about a year and during that time I got with someone else and had a baby. The father of this child doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby b/c he's married and has another child on the way.

 

I recently ran back into my ex and we fell back in love and I would love to be with him, but the problem is we can not compramise on anything and I think that's the underlying problem.

 

See this time around it's different. I have changed so much, having a baby has really made me grow up and realize what I really want in life. I want a secure relationship and future marriage with a family. He wants the same but the problem is he smokes and does weed and depends on this to help him relax in the evenings.

 

My baby was born with a birth defect and although he is recovering because they were able to fix it with surgery, there is a possibility that he will have lung problems. The Dr.'s say that nobody who smokes can come around even if it's on their clothing.

 

I feel bad because now that we want to be back together and he even wants to love my son unconditionally, he knows that there are too many conditions and he's not ready to give up his smoking. I go to Church and am into my religion and relationship with The Lord and he is also saying that he'll never be able to see me because of his smoking and the fact that he isn't into Church and all that.

 

What can we do? I tried to tell him I can respect him for whatever he does in his own time, but just not around me or my child.. he's a good man and I want to be there and just accept these things, but I don't want my child to be raised by someone who smokes weed and has that in the household.. or has a dependancy problem.

 

Can anyone give me any advice please? I'm sort of confused because I want to just accept it and love him and move on.. but on the other hand I have to think about myself and my new baby and I know that there are a few things that he'd have to change in order for that to happen.

 

Thanks!

[SomeGuy112]

First of all let me point out that if the child has lung problems then too much smoking and weed can be hazardous or even fatal. That is not something to be taken lightly and the has to be a sacrifice here. However it doesn't have to really be something bad. I don't know what the situation is exactly but perhaps you can encourage him and help him to lose his dependancy? I suppose you can also keep it sort of distanced till the child grows up maybe? Or perhaps he can time it so that he is not smoking or wearing clothes with smoke when the child is around? (Like changing before be gets back from school and stuff once he is old enough for school that is). Perhpas when the child is there he can use patches instead of actual smoking? I don't have any experience with those so I can't really say if it works or not. As far as the weed I'm really not sure what to say. You will have to figure that one out yourself I suppose or maybe someone else has an idea for you. Good luck with the relationship and the child, I wish you the best

[millaj]

Yes, there are no exceptions to the smoking thing.. the Doctor told me straight out on Friday that even people who carry smoke in their clothing can't come around..

 

I guess he finds all this too difficult, but if it's important to him he'll find a way to quit or ween himself off.. I told him i'm in no rush, but i'm sure he's pretty darn discouraged.. poor thing, but I guess he'll have to make up his mind to find out what's important.

 

It could be a good thing..

 

Any other advice from anyone else?

[shes2smart]

We are madly in love with eachother and have been for so very long, but I think that we have that type of relationship where it is just love/hate.

 

Despite what popular culture or your feelings/hormones tell you, you have not described love. Unfortunately, we tend to use the word "love" to describe a wide variety of feelings. What you've described here is probably more accurately described as: drama, infatuation, excitement, passion, lust, physical/chemical attraction...but it is not a healthy relationship.

 

I want a secure relationship and future marriage with a family. He wants the same but the problem is he smokes and does weed and depends on this to help him relax in the evenings.

 

In your own words, he "depends on pot to help him relax"...that's a HUGE red flag that it's more than occasional recreational use. Hate to break this to you, but chances are real good that he's got an addiction problem. How is he when he doesn't have access to any weed? Does he get cranky, have a hair-trigger temper, become very difficult to be around, substitute some other mood-altering substance (such as alcohol) for the weed? If the answer is yes, then he's definitely got an addiction problem. From your post, I think, deep down, you already know this but aren't ready to really admit it to yourself. The urge to hang on to the good you see in him is really strong, but it's not doing any good for you or your child to hang on to that image.

 

From your description, your child's health is an area where there can be NO compromise. Welcome to parenthood....for the next (at least) 18 years, guess who's needs are going to come first more often than not. I suspect that's probably not what you want to hear, but if you want to be a good parent and raise your child to be healthy and happy, I'm afraid that's the bottom line of your situation.

 

If you truly want a healthy, stable, long-term relationship/marriage with someone who will be a father to your child, you need to make better choices when you become involved with guys. You can't just base your involvements on your attraction to someone anymore...you have to take your child into consideration. In order to be in a healthy, loving relationship, you need to select potential mates who are capable of that...someone with an active substance abuse problem is not. You and your child are a package deal now, and that's going to make things somewhat more difficult.

 

I don't want my child to be raised by someone who smokes weed and has that in the household.. or has a dependancy problem.

 

You already know what you need to do. He needs to go. Have faith and believe that you have the strength to do that, then follow through and do it. You have a tough road ahead of you, what with being a single parent. Tough, yes, but not impossible...others have walked it before you and gotten through it ok.

 

He needs to work through his substance abuse on his own, in his own time. You cannot force him to do this. If he does it "for you" or for any other reason other than for himself, it will only be a cosmetic change.

 

You have your hands full managing your life and your child's....don't saddle yourself with this extra responsibility. Cut him loose so that you may be truly available when (not IF but WHEN) a healthy, loving, decent man who wants to be a husband to you and a father to your child comes along. It'd be a shame if the good guy came along and you missed out on him because you were wrapped up in the drama with your ex.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s

[Clarabelle]

I agree with shes2smart. Your child is now your number 1 priority, particularly because your child has a health problem. You don't need extra drama because of your rocky past with this man, because it's only going to wear you out, and children require our best selves. The smoking thing is absolutely non-negotiable, both in terms of your child's health and in terms of the potential it has for creating even more problems for you with this man. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, now more than ever.

[millaj]

Thank you for being so straight forward shes2smart.. you are very right and I guess I really needed to hear that again.. It's hard to let him go because we have so much history together, but you are right.. it's all about my son now. You are really right about me missing out on a good guy coming along if im wrapped up with my ex.

 

Thanks guys!

[shes2smart]

It won't always be easy....doing the right thing seldom is...but always remember, God never gives us more than we can handle. He may give us a hard road to walk, but He also makes sure there is help along the way.