Please help me why wont he talk to me :(

[suzieann]

As you guys know and may have read i have struggled very badly this week with NC. We broke up last Wednesday evening and i didnt get a proper explanation. I had an abortion 4 weeks ago today and i am struggling with that, aswell the break up now and having to move to a new city. I thought he'd understand that and would speak to me, but he wont.

 

Ive tried calling and texting him and he only responded the once when i called off my mum's phone and he put the phone down on me when i asked to talk saying it wasnt a good idea.

 

Ive emailed.

 

I went round to see him, he wasnt there.

 

I dont know what else i can do apart from NC now. We've broken up before and he came back during the time i was NC.

 

Today he deleted our joint facebook account (well deleted every trace of himself off it, including mutual friends of ours and left me with the account).

 

I just want to speak to him and ask for his reasons for the break up, but he is acting like i never existed what shall i do? Its driving me crazy.

 

I also need to collect my things from his house at some point, but i dont know when that will be if he wont contact me.

 

I dont know whether to assume he is the same as last time and is waiting for me to leave him alone before contacting me... please help me.

[hexaemeron]

Just because he came back to you when you went NC doesn't mean there's any obligation on his part to do the same. You're not going to get any answers that will make you feel better, so just go NC yourself so you can heal and move on as quickly and efficiently as possible.

[Seraphim]

Because he is a PIG Suzie, he is oinky oinky oink. He dragged you out of a car when he was mad. He goes into silent mode when he does not get what he wants. He wanted you to have this abortion and then blew you off. He is a grade A PIG.

[hexaemeron]

Because he is a PIG Suzie, he is oinky oinky oink. He dragged you out of a car when he was mad. He goes into silent mode when he does not get what he wants. He wanted you to have this abortion and then blew you off. He is a grade A PIG.

 

...I clearly missed previous posts. I think you should just run away as fast as you can, OP. Run, and be glad you got away. I'm so sorry.

[suzieann]

i guess im just on a downer because he'd logged into our shared facebook this morning and deleted everything without a trace.

 

i know you guys are really urging me to move on and thats great and i really appreciate. But please can i have some advice on how to get him to at least talk to me?

 

When i called him last night, he said i didnt do anything he just didnt want to talk and it wasnt a good idea. I cant understand that, surely any loving person would talk to me and give me the closure i need. Then theres the problem of getting my stuff back =[ i dont know if he is holding onto it on purpose.

[hexaemeron]

He dragged out out of a car, and you're talking about loving people? You may want to get some counseling, suzie. It almost sounds like you've got Stockholm syndrome.

[suzieann]

Yeah he did, this was in July not during this break-up. He was really upset about it and cried after, i know he didnt mean it.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah he did, this was in July not during this break-up. He was really upset about it and cried after, i know he didnt mean it.

 

You're making excuses for inexcusable behavior. You don't have to defend him. You should be kissing the ground now that you got away and it's over. Why do you care what someone who was clearly abusive to you thinks? Where's your self-respect? Where's your anger?

[Seraphim]

Suzie all abusers cry and say they didn't mean it. THEY ALL DO THAT. Why do they do it? To suck you back in. Please, PLEASE get some counseling, you do not need MR Scumball.

[nutbrownhare]

please can i have some advice on how to get him to at least talk to me?

 

When i called him last night, he said i didnt do anything he just didnt want to talk and it wasnt a good idea. I cant understand that, surely any loving person would talk to me and give me the closure i need. Then theres the problem of getting my stuff back =[ i dont know if he is holding onto it on purpose.

You've already established he isn't a loving person. There's no way he's going to become one, either. Leave your stuff for now; you can sort it out at some time in the future.

 

You are going through hell at the moment, and you need people around you who will care for you. He really isn't going to, so please stop trying, and making yourself feel even worse in the process. Please get some counselling, for the trauma of the abortion at the very least, and I really hope that you will be able to turn this terrible time into something positive. In terms of personal growth, I mean.

 

Nobody here's going to give you advice on maintaining any kind of relationship with this character. Heck, I wouldn't wish someone like this on my worst enemy!

 

You need to turn all the energy you're currently using on thinking about him, worrying about him and trying to contact him - on your own healing. That means going NC, really looking at yourself and your pain, and then letting yourself heal by whatever means possible. You need to resist the temptation to pull off your own scab, in the hope he's likely to do or say anything to make you feel better.

[suzieann]

I dont know i just feel like he didnt abuse me really because he's only got a aggressive with me once or twice. When i think of being abused i dont think of that i think of someone getting hurt daily i guess.

 

I am angry too, dont get me wrong but alot of the time i post on here i am so upset that im not angry. I am angry for the way he treats me after such horrible events in my life, i'm angry with myself for not walking away or saying something sooner. I am angry that i cant make him a better person.

 

I just want him to come back to me when he is in a happy mood and i can try and get him some help.

[mhowe]

I know you think that talking to him will help, but it won't. His behavior is, has and always will be, inexcusable. I am so sorry for what you've had to go through, but you need to get someone to go with you to get your stuff, and put him and all thoughts of him out of your head. He will never change, and you have the chance to move on to someone who will truly care for you.

[hexaemeron]

I dont know i just feel like he didnt abuse me really because he's only got a aggressive with me once or twice. When i think of being abused i dont think of that i think of someone getting hurt daily i guess.

 

I am angry too, dont get me wrong but alot of the time i post on here i am so upset that im not angry. I am angry for the way he treats me after such horrible events in my life, i'm angry with myself for not walking away or saying something sooner. I am angry that i cant make him a better person.

 

I just want him to come back to me when he is in a happy mood and i can try and get him some help.

 

Why don't you just help yourself? You're not his mom. You're so codependent, it's damaging you. Get yourself help.

[Seraphim]

I dont know i just feel like he didnt abuse me really because he's only got a aggressive with me once or twice. When i think of being abused i dont think of that i think of someone getting hurt daily i guess.

 

I am angry too, dont get me wrong but alot of the time i post on here i am so upset that im not angry. I am angry for the way he treats me after such horrible events in my life, i'm angry with myself for not walking away or saying something sooner. I am angry that i cant make him a better person.

 

I just want him to come back to me when he is in a happy mood and i can try and get him some help.

 

This is why we want you to have therapy Suzie, because you do not even recognize it as abuse. HE has to get him some help Suzie, he is not a child. He has to be responsible for himself. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for YOU. As I told you, PLEASE love yourself. The more you love yourself the more you will value yourself.

[nutbrownhare]

I am angry that i cant make him a better person.

 

I just want him to come back to me when he is in a happy mood and i can try and get him some help.

You might find it beneficial to look up 'codependency'.

 

You can't change another person, you really can't. You can't make them become 'a better person', or, more accurately, your estimation of what 'a better person' would be.

 

Right now, it's not him that needs the help - it's YOU! You are the vulnerable one here, and you need to be taking care of yourself, not worrying about him

[suzieann]

Seriously guys though, you probably think i'm mad but if you knew the guy say you met him in the street you would think he was a great guy, both to have as a boyfriend or as a friend. He has one of those personalities.

 

Can anyone give me any answers as to why he wont talk to me? I know he's a jerk, but is this what most men do when they break up with someone! Act like they dont exist? I dont want to scream and cry and beg him to get back with me, its not like that i just want proper reasons for the break up, something he cant understand.

[hexaemeron]

Man, this is like talking to Anusha.

 

I'm sorry about what you've gone through, suzie and I hope you'll eventually actually listen to what -everyone- is telling you.

[Seraphim]

Seriously guys though, you probably think i'm mad but if you knew the guy say you met him in the street you would think he was a great guy, both to have as a boyfriend or as a friend. He has one of those personalities.

 

Can anyone give me any answers as to why he wont talk to me? I know he's a jerk, but is this what most men do when they break up with someone! Act like they dont exist? I dont want to scream and cry and beg him to get back with me, its not like that i just want proper reasons for the break up, something he cant understand.

 

Because he is not going to give you an answer. Simple as that. Not everyone does. So don't expect it. Suzie LOTS of abusers look awesome when you meet them casually, that is exactly how they get people. Do you think if they screamed and swore at you the second they met you anyone would bother???? NOPE! Abusers are charming because it gets them people to abuse.

[suzieann]

I wouldnt even know where to go for help. The clinic didnt even offer me after abortion counselling and at the time i felt i'd made the right decision and i thought that i had lots of support around me and we had other things to occupy me and stop me from being upset.

[hexaemeron]

I wouldnt even know where to go for help. The clinic didnt even offer me after abortion counselling and at the time i felt i'd made the right decision and i thought that i had lots of support around me and we had other things to occupy me and stop me from being upset.

 

suzie. Let me introduce you to the Internet. Internet, this is suzie. If you put in "grief counseling" or "Relationship counseling" and your town/city/area in google, you'll get tons of resources to find a counselor who's right for you.

[suzieann]

I just dont understand why i dont deserve an answer! We'd been together nearly 5 years and i thought that i desereved a decent break up explanation, one that was thought out and not random like this

[Seraphim]

Ok your are going to nursing school right? There is no counseling at your school? There is counseling through your dr's office. There is Planned Parenthood, they might have something. Call your local women's shelter, they have counseling.

[hexaemeron]

I just dont understand why i dont deserve an answer! We'd been together nearly 5 years and i thought that i desereved a decent break up explanation, one that was thought out and not random like this

 

suzie, I understand you've been through a lot, and my heart goes out to you, but, for the moment, I have to tell you, you're TALKING too much and not LISTENING enough. Has absolutely anyone here agreed with you? No. No one, because what you want YOU CANNOT GET. You're expecting gold from a dungheap. So, please, stop talking, and listen to what we're saying. It doesn't matter WHY he did what he did. It only matters that you're free and 100% in control of your own life. Focus on YOURSELF. Heal YOURSELF.

 

Stop dithering about him because you're too afraid to confront your own problems.

[Seraphim]

I just dont understand why i dont deserve an answer! We'd been together nearly 5 years and i thought that i desereved a decent break up explanation, one that was thought out and not random like this

 

Because he feels you don't. That is his answer. He is a jerk so of course he did not give you an answer. Stop wanting a jerk to make sense and be kind because he won't.

[suzieann]

I guess im just to proud to admit i need counselling, like im a failure. My ex looks badly on stuff like that. I had problems in my past where i needed counselling when my parents split up (when i was a lot younger) and i told him about it and he was completely unsympathic and said that i was attention seeking. He'd be the same this time. I just want to be strong and move on and for him to regret hurting me.