What if you just don't WANT to move on?

[xStitches]

I'm at the point where a lot of people are offering advice like, "Move on" and "He doesn't deserve you." I can understand both of those sentiments - especially since it is hard for people on the internet to have an idea of whether or not your relationship was good enough to fight for. But I can't be the only one that just doesn't want to give up hope that we will get together? I'm not talking about shutting myself up inside and weeping myself into premature old age, but I do think that I can work on getting over the relationship while still having the goal of reconciliation.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? I mean, it's the "getting back together" board, so I feel like I'm probably not alone.

 

I've been reading a lot about relationships and break ups. I've been reading a lot about reconciliation. I vacillate between hope and despair. But at the end of the day, I do feel like I'm in the prime situation for reconciliation. For one, our breakup wasn't bad. I listened to his numerous reasons (most of which can be summed up by his paralyzing fear of the future and of failure), and I feel like I responded well. I let him know that I didn't want to break up and felt we could deal with his issues together, but I would respect his decision. I told him that my door was open to him if he changed his mind, but he would have to prove that he had dealt with things. In turn, he responded by telling me how much he loved me, how great I was, and how he was sorry that we had met while he was so young and confused. Second, he has demonstrated that both the attachment and attraction are still very strong between us. Finally, after four months, he is still trying to "pull" because he misses our friendship. It was very upsetting to him when I told him that I needed NC to begin to heal, but he said he would rather miss me than keep causing me pain.

 

So here I am. One week NC. I would be lying if I said that I didn't hope it would bring him back. But even more, I want it to give us BOTH time to heal. I hope it will give him time to see that the "grass isn't greener" and also to mature. I want him to see what it's like to be without my support and learn to appreciate it - instead of feeling like it makes him weak. I want to deal with my need to take care of him - something he listed as his main problem in the break up. Just being in NC will force me to accept that I cannot protect him.

 

I want to give him a ring in a few months and start LC. I want to see if we can rekindle that early spark, but take better care of it.

 

What do you think?

[annie24]

I notice that sometimes exes come back when they miss you and after you've moved on. More than a few times, i've had guys come back years later, asking for a second chance. I don't know your age, what your goals are, etc.. but i wouldn't spend my time waiting for him to emotionally get into the place where he isn't scared anymore. that could take years. and sometimes, it helps them realize that they might lose you forever when they see you are moving on, dating others, etc....

[Nick Lansing]

I think your plan is good. i'm like you in that it doesn't help me heal to hear things like "It's over. Deal with it." I like having a little hope... for me it eases the transition to healing...

 

But you really have to act like it's over, meaning, don't contact him, don't obsess about him or the relationship, don't keep tabs on him, don't try to make him jealous...

 

But realize it is out of your hands now. He knows how you fee,l and now you have to stay away. Staying away will facilitate your healing (it will take a while!) and also give you your best chance at reconciliation. Healing is the most important thing, and should be your focus.

[mhowe]

Well, you can hope all you want that NC will bring him back, but it won't. The only thing that will bring him back is wanting to be with you --- and you cannot make that happen. You have things you need to learn....so make this time away from him about that. You can't fix him, protect him or mature him. He needs to do all that. You need to let go. If he comes back, fantastic. If he doesn't, you have learned valuable lessons....people need to care for themselves, first and foremost.

[jolbell69]

xstitches - your post has hit me like an arrow through the heart. I feel like you are writing the exact words I am feeling right now. My ex broke up with me for near enough the same reasons as yours, and he has said time and time again that he still loves me and he will always love me. I took the difficult decision to go NC yesterday and sent him an email telling him why. You can see my story here: I also do NOT want to give up hope of a reconciliation at some point in the future, and I have no reason to believe it won't happen. We broke up 10 weeks agao, and after 5 weeks, we started to see eachother again (now and then), but this hurt me too much which is why I decided to go NC. I wish you the best of luck and you can PM me any time if you need to compare 'sob-stories'...hehe. it really helps to know someone is in the same position!!

[andreea]

I agree with mhowe, this NC thing is not a magical formula for your happiness, for getting back your boyfriend, it s just a waste of time, energy that will cost you nothing just more pain... If you want him back tell him, if he will say no, accept it and move on... If you don t want to move on after being rejected, what can I say? Sure, go fight Don(na)Quijote! But again, your "fight" will bring you nothing but pain...

Nothing will bring him back, only his love for you, so why manipulate things here?

If you think you two had something special, things will work out somehow for you, when you both will be ready, if not... let it go...

[xStitches]

In my experience, nothing worth having ever comes easy or painless. If I let fear or pain control me, I could never date again! If I want to have that special relationship again, I have to ACT to make it happen.

 

Nor do I see how it is manipulative to give us a few months of NC to heal from the break up before I reach out to him again. Like I said, I WISH NC would bring him back, but that is not why I'm doing it. We both need time before we can have a chance to start fresh with a new understanding and appreciation for each other. Hopefully one that involves a good couples counselor to help us continue to learn how work together as a team.

[BrokenNYC]

This post is also dear to my heart, but in the flip position. I'm the man who broke up with her months ago and needed to figure myself out. After a few months of 'being friends' and a few rendezvous', she also went NC and this was what led me to really change myself and my beliefs, and to be a better man - the man she had deserved. So in this respect, I think what you're doing is right with NC and the main key here is patience. He needs to make substantial changes if you wish to get back together - but I do understand where you are coming from in not wanting to 'move on'. I think it matters how you define moving on - if it means purging the thought of the other person and any future reconciliation, then I too do not want to move on. But if it means bettering yourself, being as happy as possible with the situation, and not being in a state of despair but still having some hope, love and compassion for the other person, then that is a moving on I can get behind. You are the only person who knows if you are ready and want to move-on; not other people.

[xStitches]

That is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I would like to heal from the pain of the breakup, but continue to love my ex - the good and the bad. When I was younger, I used to cut people out of my life when I was in pain. I've learned that this accomplishes nothing. It doesn't erase the hurt. It doesn't protect me from future pain. It just left me increasingly unable to connect with new people. When I learned to be patient, forgive, and give second chances, I found that my life filled with amazing, loyal friends. I hope that your girl can forgive you for the temporary pain she suffered while you were changing into someone who deserved her.

 

Like I've said, I've been reading a lot. On this board, I've seen many cases of people starting out wanting reconciliation and ultimately moving on with a deal of bitterness and cynicism. I've been there. I can understand that. Many of you have been manipulated and lead around and have every right to believe that moving on is the best strategy. In my case, I know that my ex was always trying his best. It wasn't enough, but I can be patient. I can respect him. I can have faith in him becoming the man he wants to be. Maybe it will NEVER happen, but I will not close the door so soon.

[BrokenNYC]

Well there you go - you just answered yourself and made your own mind up, and that's what matters most. These boards are amazing for advice and support, but in the end, we all have to come up with our own decisions based on who we are and what we feel. No one else will ever experience what you experienced, even if it seems like the same exact situation. I really wish you the best and hope that he changes into the man you deserve and you can both live happily together.

[thelastsong]

I think it's definitely okay to not be ready to move on. You can know in your head that it's over and that you need to get over your ex, but it takes a while for your heart to catch up. If I've learned anything, it's that you can't rush the healing process. If you don't want to move on yet, that's okay. That's just where you are. Some days, I need to believe that my ex will eventually come back begging for another chance. Maybe it's delusional, but it gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me continue with my life.

 

I'm finally (4 months post BU) getting to the point where the moments that I have accepted the break up and let him go are outnumbering those in which I just want him back.

 

So just take your time with it. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry every once in a while. Every emotion you feel during this process is valid and reasonable, even if people are telling you to just get over it. Only you can know and understand what you're feeling and what you need. Don't let anyone tell you to move on if you aren't ready. You can accept advice, but in the end, you have to be your own guide.

[xStitches]

Thanks. I'm at 4 months as well, but haven't gotten a chance to get over the pain since my ex was constantly contacting me. Sometimes, I really wish I could get to the point where I'm okay being friends with him like he wants. It would be better than feeling like I've lost him forever.

[jeepman41]

NC won't bring your ex back. It may help them to realize what life is like without you. The only thing that will make them come back is a change of heart and it has to be genuine. They have to want to be with you like they did before. The hope of reconciliations shouldn't hinge on your past relationship. You have to let that go and move on and allow yourself to heal. You want to start a new relationship with your ex. That is way you have to view it as starting over again like you just met them.

[xStitches]

That's really what I'm hoping for.

[e30fan]

stitches, this thread really hit home for me.

 

i'm currently experiencing being dumped for the first time in my life at 24. i think many people would consider it lucky that i've gone this long without truly knowing this feeling. the only time i've ever felt even remotely close to this was when i begged and pleaded for my first girlfriend to take me back after a bout with GIGS. (not once, but twice)

 

this was only my third relationship, and by far the longest. (4+ yrs) she's everything i want from a woman..naturally beautiful, witty, caring, whimsical, honest, open minded. while i did have my curiosities over the 4 year span, whenever the thought of looking for greener pastures would come into my head i would simply remind myself..."what else could i possibly want?" i was truly blessed.

 

so far i've broken two hearts in my life and i can't help but feel karma finally caught up to me.

[xStitches]

E30fan, you and I have a lot of similarities. Four/five years and mid-twenties seems to be a common theme in many of these threads. I think that this is the age when people start to second guess who they are- including their relationships. In general, people are trying to make their adolescence longer. Once you reach a certain point in a relationship, you start to realize you're growing up... that seems to freak people out.

 

The only solution I can recommend is patience. If you treated her right whole you were together, she'll remember it when she is ready to commit as an adult. It might take some time though. If you can keep moving your life forward while keeping a little hope for her tucked away in your heart, I don't think it will do you any harm. Do be careful to keep minimal contact until you are healed though.

 

PS: I wonder if my ex realizes how in demand attractive, smart, funny, whimsical girls are? He is going to have a rude awakening when he goes out dating and can't find anyone half as awesome as me. Likewise, you ex will come to regret losing out on a loving, loyal guy who doesn't take things for granted. Girls are always telling me that those guys are impossible to find.

[Laylan]

Yes NC is not for making him/her come back. In the beginning we all use it for that. I don't care who you are i don't care how much you say you want to move on, everyone in the back of their mind hopes/wishes that if they go NC it will bring him/her back. I've been NC for almost 5months and i still have those days. You will always be told to go NC for you and not to get them back but the thing is that in the beginning of everything falling apart your heart can't accept that, it just doesn't no matter how much you want it to or how many times someone tells you its for you and not them.

 

I went NC on April 18th and wished so much that at some point he would come back. I've not heard anything at all from him and at this point i'm ok. Am i 100% ok? No and it will be a while before i am but i am getting better everyday. I've learned so much from this and i've learned so much about myself. People just have to get their on their own. I can't tell any of to go NC and forget them because it just doesn't work like that. Yes go NC and yes try and move on but that will all come in time. You will get to a point where NC will start to feel like the right thing for you and not to get him back. I've realized so much about myself that i had set aside while with my ex and i'm getting stronger everyday and i didn't force myself to move on, i've just let it live with me and i hope that one day it will just be gone. I truly think that making youself believe or trying to force your heart and mind to get to a point where you don't care at all will not work. I believe that in time you'll come to that all on your own. It just comes, its not something you can make happen. I do agree with everyone who says just live your life and see where it goes!!

[Laylan]

I had an ex come back over 3 years after he left me for no reason at all and at that point i wanted nothing to do with him. I actually had gotten over him 6 months after we stopped talking. Its jut different for everyone and every relationship.