Family members passing on junk

[annony]

My sister insists she is "helping" me because I don't have very much money, she thinks I need "things". This isn't true, I have all the things I need. I have nice things, and I like the things that I have. I like my dishes, I like my furniture, I like my clothes.

She insists I could always use more things, but she's really justifying passing her clutter on to me.

I have a time shortage. I don't have enough hours in the day, as you can see from my other posts.

I think she has a lot of guilt because she doesn't actually help me in any useful way, I've told her that if she would come over and play with my kids for an hour so that I could get groceries by myself that would mean the world to me, but she never does anything like that, even though she's unemployed and plays WoW all day.

I think in her mind, giving me her junk is killing two birds with one stone, "helping" me, and cleaning her house.

I've told her many many times that I don't need or want her missmatched and chipped dishes, worn out clothes, tacky mcdonalds glasses and whatever else she pushes on me. I thank her for thinking of me, but then explain that I have plenty of whatever it is she's getting rid of, and in fact, the stuff that I have is in better condition than what she's dumping.

This doesn't stop her.

The other day she randomly showed up at my house in the middle of the night (not kidding) with a box of missmatched dishes. I told her "Thanks, but I really have enough of my own SET of dishes, I don't have the space to store any more" (which is true, my two kids and I live in less than 700 square feet) She angrily and forcefully pointed at my glass display cabinet that I use to display my grandmothers (not her grandmother, she's actually a step-sister) crystal collection. She barked "If you move stuff around it will fit THERE!" I just shook my head, told her to take the dishes to the single parent centre where someone might need them way more than me, and sent her on her way.

 

In the past I would take her junk, and donate it myself. I just don't have time to do this. She can donate her own junk herself, she shouldn't be using me as her personal Salvation Army. I figure, if she has time to show up at my place with crap in the night, she would have had just as much time to drop it off to the "women in need" warehouse.

 

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

[Seraphim]

AHahaha, I can feel your angst. I totally get you. My in-laws insist on bring all this moldy stupid crap from when my husband was like 5 years old to our house. I do not need and nor do we want it.

[Fudgie]

You're doing the right thing. Just be really firm with her and don't let her dump any of her junk with you! I'd be kind of angry too!

[FathomFear]

To be brutally honest, this would be very (very) low on my list of things that would bother me unless I felt the other person's intentions weren't sincere.

[annony]

if you read my post you would find that i do feel that her intentions are insincere...

 

also, i'd probably continue to be nice about it if she wouldn't bark at me when I decline.

[annie24]

Say "thank you" and right away take the boxes to the local goodwill or any other charity that takes those items. Then you can deduct those items off your taxes. So, it's "cash" in a way.

[annie24]

However, the middle of the night is not appropriate. you need to tell her that she can't come over when you and the kids are sleeping. unless there is a major emergency (ie, fire, flood or blood!)

[annony]

Say "thank you" and right away take the boxes to the local goodwill or any other charity that takes those items. Then you can deduct those items off your taxes. So, it's "cash" in a way.

We cannot deduct goodwill donations from our taxes here. Only money type donations can be deducted.

I don't even have enough time to go to the hardware store to get lightbulbs, I don't have time to dispose of her junk for her, which is why it upsets me.

 

Edit; What's happened in the past is I've done what you said, and taken it, and then tripped over it for a few weeks because in less than 700 square feet there's not much room for extra stuff, until I was able to find a day that I could go to the salvation army and unload it. I don't have a car, I have no babysitter (yep, asked sister, she was "too tired" from staying up til sunrise playing computer games) so I had to take two toddlers (one who is blind) and a heavy box of crap on the bus. This happened more than once, so I decided to start saying "Thanks, but no thanks" to which she responds with hostility

[annie24]

or you can take it out to the dumpster as soon as she leaves! sorry about the taxes. you can also tell her that she shouldn't donate anything else to you because it will go straight to goodwill so she may as well drop it off there. she sounds like a kind of messed up person.

[Alezia]

Perhaps it's not really a reflection of you but that she absolutely cannot throw out things to the garbage herself. When I was in apartment, people kept donating me things. Most of which ended up in the trash a few weeks later. I realized that most people just held on to the HOPE that people actually NEEDED their old stuff. That way they feel justified in replacing it. I don't think people like to feel like they are cluttering fields with garbage cause they want something new and shiny.

 

I agree that she should not keep doing it. Perhaps it's more of 'her issue' than the impression that she sees you as someone poor.

[annony]

Perhaps it's not really a reflection of you but that she absolutely cannot throw out things to the garbage herself. When I was in apartment, people kept donating me things. Most of which ended up in the trash a few weeks later. I realized that most people just held on to the HOPE that people actually NEEDED their old stuff. That way they feel justified in replacing it. I don't think people like to feel like they are cluttering fields with garbage cause they want something new and shiny.

 

I agree that she should not keep doing it. Perhaps it's more of 'her issue' than the impression that she sees you as someone poor.

Normally I'd agree, but there's a lot more to the issue of they way my sister sees me than I've posted here.

[FathomFear]

if you read my post you would find that i do feel that her intentions are insincere...

 

I did read your post and wasn't trying to insinuate that you didn't find her sincere. I was just giving you my take, that it wouldn't bother me at all unless the sincerity were in doubt. Worst case I'd just stockpile the stuff until I found the time to donate it. IMO, life is too short to battle people over actions they take with a good heart--even when they can be a bit on the annoying or testing side.

[annony]

I did read your post and wasn't trying to insinuate that you didn't find her sincere. I was just giving you my take, that it wouldn't bother me at all unless the sincerity were in doubt. Worst case I'd just stockpile the stuff until I found the time to donate it. IMO, life is too short to battle people over actions they take with a good heart--even when they can be a bit on the annoying or testing side.

Have you read the thread? She's showing up in the middle of the night, I have NO space at all for which to stockpile, and being disabled myself, having a disabled child, and not having a car, this is a HUGE burden on me. This isn't like this has just happened once, it happens several times per month.

She is single, able bodied and has nothing but time, I am not the salvation army.

[Seraphim]

I would not answer the door in the middle of the night. If she has to stand there a few times looking stupid maybe she will stop doing it?

[annony]

I would not answer the door in the middle of the night. If she has to stand there a few times looking stupid maybe she will stop doing it?

She has been known to show up in the middle of the night for other reasons, as well. I usually work at night until about 2am and she knows it.

It' be hard not to answer the door when she knows I'm up :S

[Seraphim]

Personally I would do it anyway, she might get the hint. Do you have a peep hole? Then maybe you can see if she is carrying anything before you open the door to her?

[annony]

Personally I would do it anyway, she might get the hint. Do you have a peep hole? Then maybe you can see if she is carrying anything before you open the door to her?

I don't have a peep hole, I have a large window which as of two weeks ago, has no blinds (thanks children!) I can see her, but on the same token, she can see me.

Honestly, I know she'd throw a public tantrum if I left her on the porch. It'd be all over facebook, I don't know which is more stress, but it looks like I'm going to have to deal with a tantrum either way.

[Seraphim]

Hm, I am sorry.

[annie24]

you need to set some boundaries with her. she cannot come to your house in the middle of the night, uninvited. end of story. she can come over, during the daytime, if she calls first. tell her that she needs to abide by this.

 

she doesn't sound sane. i can't imagine anyone who is sane doing this. or continuing to do this after they have been asked to stop.

[FathomFear]

Have you read the thread? She's showing up in the middle of the night, I have NO space at all for which to stockpile, and being disabled myself, having a disabled child, and not having a car, this is a HUGE burden on me. This isn't like this has just happened once, it happens several times per month.

She is single, able bodied and has nothing but time, I am not the salvation army.

 

I was referring specifically to her giving you stuff, which was the focus of the thread. Her arriving in the middle of the night is another issue entirely which I would address separately.

 

If this really bothers you that much then it's within your power to be very firm with her about it. Just don't be shocked if she reacts poorly. I think this is just one of those times where it's very beneficial to focus on what the perspective of the other person is. She likely thinks she's doing you a big favour and trying to help out in any way she can. Maybe you could just come up with a story that you're trying to reduce the stuff you have around the house and would appreciate if she went straight to the Salvation Army or something. Maybe even give her the phone # and address of the nearest branch.

[annie24]

I feel like we really aren't dealing with a sane person here. if someone said to me, 'thanks, but i have a small apartment and enough dishes/clothes' i would stop bringing it to them. My mother, though, is like your sister and will keep bringing things over even after you've asked her to stop. i just take things straight to the goodwill, or find a friend who actually DOES need that item!

[Kitkat973]

700 square feet is a tiny amount of space when you're talking about an adult and two children, and from what you've said about her behavior when you try to refuse the 'gifts' it's clear that the issues go deeper. I would be incredibly frustrated if someone put me in this position. She might balk under you refusing to take the things, but putting your foot down is really all you can do if you want this to stop.

[abitbroken]

I would tell her that you really appreciate her thinking of you. And be sincere. Say that you understand that she feels that you are struggling to get by. If she would like to help you "Although I have enough dishes, Sis, if you are getting rid of any size 8-10 kids clothes or a spaghetti strainer or light bulbs, I would be grateful to have them." Or whatever a reasonable item someone could have around the house is that you are truly looking for or wouldn't mind having. This way it focuses her energy into something helpful and make her feel like she is helping. I had to do this to my mom. Instead of sending everything back, I did use some of the items, gave her back a couple when she saw that I didn't use them and donated some. I of course passed along in the family things that would mean something to people like Grandma's measuring cups, etc. Also, consider maybe something is going on at home. Is her husband putting pressure on her or are they fighting? At a time in my life I was under pressure to get rid of a lot of stuff that I didn't want to just trash and I think I was a little desperate to give to relatives too to 'save them". Also, could she be an awkward person and could it be her way of trying to visit you?