No time to even think: and sexuality changes

[trois]

My boyfriend and i have been together for a little over a year now. I am 19, he is 21.

 

We both have really busy lives. He has a 1 1/2 year old son and is attending college 3x a week that has a 2 hour commute drive... I've recently gotten a job that is teetering on full-time but is exausting. So, me, i'm not that busy. He is though. He never has time.

 

He also works as a server, pretty frequently. So it's either, i see him for an hour and then at very late night, or i only see him at very late night. Since i've gotten a job, it's REALLY hard for me to stay awake...

 

We text and call and email each other, and stay in contact. We've gotten through some rough times already and have seemed to even things out...sort of. We're still not on the 'same track'. I still am on the edge about 'us' but he is 24/7 "baby i love you forever you're the best...you're so beautiful...sexy...etc" ... whereas i have nothing to say, really.. I don't get the same feeling when i look in his eyes or go places with him. I feel like crap! I don't want to be feeling this way at all, but hell, i never get to see him long enough to even THINK about re-igniting the flame.

 

I certainly do not have the courage to tell him the 'flame has gone out', either...His ex-fiance (and mother of his son) ripped his heart to shreds and he is very damaged by her and sensitive... I am a motherly sort of girlfriend and i care more about his feelings than mine, though.

 

I'm not happy though. I'm not. We don't have sex anymore, and i have NO desire to whatsoever (even if i did, he is too big, and after he accidentally hurt me really badly i've had serious trouble getting turned on anyways...) I just want to feel love again. I know that a 'spark' dies out usally and relationships get boring.

 

But do they? Should i still feel warm in my stomach about my significant other? I don't even react anymore, and the guilt is piling up. I love him, and i care about him a lot, but ...something is missing. We've had great times together, but looking at the past to light up the future is NOT how i work. Maybe it works for him, and that's what concerns me.

 

And i don't even feel anything from cuddling. I don't like to kiss him and his natural scent is starting to turn me off. THAT is a no-brainer for me, in my experience, is when their normal scent starts to make me want to physically push them off of me.

 

Even if i was to break up with him, WHEN would i do that? We have no * * * * ing time and when we do get to see each other, it's like he puts emphasis on it being a 'good time' because it's so short... Me? I just lock up all my feelings beause there is literally no time to sit down and talk.

 

Besides, we have 'broken up' three times and each time i go back to him.

So i'm wondering if it's even worth it. I don't want to move on ,really, because i still want him around. BUT i don't wanna be HIS.

I'd be totally fine with us just being friends even if it took him a while to see me again. But he has said once "I could never just be friends with you."

 

 

Also i think i might be only attracted to women... Well, let me rephrase that; only romantically attracted to women. i see nothing in men for relationships now. Which is bad. Because i'm in one.

 

I've dated women before and i do miss that "right" feeling.

Sorry if this is in the wrong board...

[camus154]

Break up with him. And of course you have the time to do so.

[FathomFear]

Based on numerous stories I've read and forums like this one, it does seem common for women to get stuck in heterosexual relationships even though they pretty much admit that only women turn them on. I think this just speaks to the overwhelming power of heterosexism in our culture and the pressure women feel to engage in straight relationships. If you haven't watched it already, I'd highly recommend watching the film link removed. It chronicles this phenomenon very well.

 

As far as your dilemma goes, it sounds like you're in a rut and just don't want to unsettle the boat. Unfortunately it's one of those things you'll just have to do. You both deserve to be with people who love you and make you happy. You deserve that, and he deserves that. So for the sake of you both, I'd try to muster up the courage to end it.

[Eocsor]

Well, I don't care how motherly and concerned for him you are for him but it's time to come clean with him and get out of that relationship. You do him no favors by keeping this all to yourself. You're not interested and the more you prolong the inevitable the more damage you do him. And as far as friends go, who cares, if he wants tio be friends or not. Even if you do thas his call. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[1m50L0nl3y]

What you described to me sounds like a friendship not a romantic relationship. No spark, No time, No sex, Feeling repulsed.. This was over long time ago. I think is time for you to set him free. You are poisoning him by keeping him around when your desire is to liberate yourself. If you really care for him and want him to be happy acknowledge that you are not The One for him and let him go so he can find someone who does really likes him. What you are doing is selfish.

[meoww]

This definitely seems like a no brainer.

 

At least he's so busy that the heartache won't get to him as badly as it potentially could. Why don't you tell him you prefer women, then it's really a classic case of 'it's not you, it's me,' and no harm done! you should tell the poor guy soon

[trois]

Thanks for the replies, though i can say it's NOT selfish and these things are a lot easier said than done. Breaking up with someone is one of those things. Of course it's a no brainer. No * * * * . I know i need to end it. But that doesn't mean i don't have any feelings about it whatsoever.

 

 

 

And decent replies would be appreciated, maybe about coping with one's self or the situation or sexuality, i don't need any "you're selfish" bullcrap right now. This was a stupid idea, asking random people online.

[trois]

He's not a "poor guy"... Damn, i see people giving NICE advice in other threads-- why do i deserve this?

[abitbroken]

I think part of what you are describing is busy couple syndrome. This is not unique to heterosexual couples. His commute is a killer and having a young child also will take his time away from you. This is a situation where you are going to have to go with the flow as the more available one, with hopefully once in a blue moon you both take the day off to be with eachother - or not. Is the commute going to change where he will be transferred closer to home, etc? I think if the relationship is new, he isn't going to make any major changes in moving his child or job yet for the relationship. And you are busy too if your job is exhausting. On the positive, he is committed to his child which is a good sign. Also, is there a possible on your day off to meet him halfway between his work and your home to go to dinner in a different town?

 

BTW, I am not minimizing your attraction to women, but are you possibly thinking that is your problem sort of as an "out"? I mean, it would be easy to say "oh, I just like women more so i am leaving you" rather than really confronting or talking about the actual issues within this relationship. It doesn't seem like he is a bad guy at all - he just is living at a fast pace and you have to run to keep up. And at 19, you are just not into that scene. I think that if there is some sort of relief coming like a job change, him living closer to work so that when you see eachother, he has quality time for you, etc, or unless you make changes too - then there could be a light at the end of the tunnel, but if things don't - you have to decide if you are up for this for a little while. And decide if he is worth it or not.

[abitbroken]

by the way, whether you break up or not, if you feel motherly and overly concerned about the other person's feelings always over your own in a not too appropriate way, I would read up on codependency. I realized that I needed to take a look at that. Otherwise you will meet someone else and be miserable with them, also.

[camus154]

I certainly do not have the courage to tell him the 'flame has gone out', either...

 

I'm not happy though. I'm not. We don't have sex anymore, and i have NO desire to whatsoever

 

And i don't even feel anything from cuddling. I don't like to kiss him and his natural scent is starting to turn me off. THAT is a no-brainer for me, in my experience, is when their normal scent starts to make me want to physically push them off of me.

 

Even if i was to break up with him, WHEN would i do that?

 

So i'm wondering if it's even worth it. I don't want to move on ,really, because i still want him around. BUT i don't wanna be HIS.

 

And decent replies would be appreciated, maybe about coping with one's self or the situation or sexuality, i don't need any "you're selfish" bullcrap right now. This was a stupid idea, asking random people online.

 

The bold quote above is the crux of why you're being called selfish. I'm sorry if you don't like the replies you're getting, but too friggin' bad. You asked for advice, not for a pity party.

 

You ARE being selfish. You want him around but not in the way that you KNOW he wants to be with you. That's selfish. So be a big girl and make a decision and deal with the consequences of it.