lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Is NC the right thing to do even though i never really fought for my ex? i did say i would like to make our relationship work but i was too "proud" to show him i was devastated..so i never really begged,cried,called etc like most people did.So is NC the right thing to do if thats the case? he wont see any "difference" he will just think he never meant that much? :S Link to comment
camus154 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 What difference does it make? Are you broken up? Is there any reason to have contact with him? Do you entertain any notion of getting back together? Link to comment
banal Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Begging, pleading, all of that stuff, it won't work. Unless this person gives absolutely no thought to his decisions - in which case you shouldn't be around him - then he has broken up with you for what he regards as 'good reason.' Begging behavior, if it does work, is only a band-aid; someone who surrenders to it will do so only temporarily. I guess that the reasons for why you broke up do matter. If it's because of something that you did, then it would certainly make sense for you to reach out to him and to help him to appreciate the depth of your remorse. But if it's something less substantial, like he wants to be single or something, then there's no hope. Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Did you dump him? No he dumped me ,,,and i kinda agreed very fast,maybe that was a mistake? i didn't fight at all.And now im in NC and wonder if its the right thing,,maybe i should just write something Link to comment
trezeralietas Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Why did you agree? What were the reasons he dumped you? Did you agree even though your gut told you it wasn't what you wanted? Link to comment
1m50L0nl3y Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 No he dumped me ,,,and i kinda agreed very fast,maybe that was a mistake? i didn't fight at all.And now im in NC and wonder if its the right thing,,maybe i should just write something I think the Best thing you did was that. If you had begged, cried, stalked, threatened him your self esteem would be below 0 right now. The more you resist a break up, the more the dumper pulls away. The more they pull away, the harder you try. The harder you try, the harder they reject you. The harder they reject you, the lower you feel. The lower you feel, the dumber you act. The dumber you act.... STOP. You get the picture right? Whatever the reason was for breaking up, the best thing is always to accept it. "That's what you want? No problem" It sends a message "I don't need you to be happy I love myself more than what I love you". NC is not a way to gain revenge on your ex because they rejected you when you fought for the relationship. NC is a way to gain control over your emotions and no mess up yourself. The most important thing is to always keep your cool. If he broke up with you, and you were OK with it, and then you vanished, if he cares he will be contacting you again. If he doesn't you will be just fine. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Depends on why you broke up. No one should beg and plead, but no one should go with the actions and words like if you are completely willingly agree when in reality you dont. A few words of why this makes you upset and how much you wanted this to work, and how you might be sad is not a bad thing. Its called being HONEST. If you let them walk away it might bug you that you didnt even express how you felt, then that will just add to the pile of hurt. If he really truly is gone, then why does it matter what you said, you might as well as be honest so he can at least remember that if he does have doubts in his decision. If I broke up with someone and i wasnt sure, and they agreed quickly without a hint of a care, then that will just solidify my choice. Some say to do this to play a "game", because by quickly agreeing to the break-up you have a bit of power at the end, like turning the tables to make them think they were the reason for the break-up, to hurt their self esteem so that they make cling on you when they get lonely. I never followed that, its dishonest, and even to attempt it you have to have a specific reason for the break-up to match that act, and it wouldnt work on me if i dumped someone and they did that, so I dont know why people think it can work in most cases. But it depends on why he broke up with you. Being needy, desperate, clingy, and it leading to a break-up, is different from someone alienates himself, or is unemotional and cold in the relationship. Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Those are the reasons why i am doubting.I knew since before that arguing and begging WONT help,,so i was cool,and since then i haven tried to contact him at all...he did 2 times and i replied to both of them. I dont know maybe i was too cold and didnt show emotions.If thats the case then what is the right thing to do now? Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 So i shouldn't try to contact him after a month or two? Link to comment
banal Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 It's really hard for people to advise you unless you give them details of your breakup... Link to comment
camus154 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 You need to be clear about your goals here before asking questions about no contact. Do you want him back? Did he break up with you for reasons under your control? Were you not giving him something that now you can? If you're just wondering if showing a bit more emotion may win him back without any regard for the reasons why he broke up with you, then don't contact him and move on. If lack of emotion is the reason why he broke up with you, then maybe you should come clean. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Agree. Do you think you have an overall issue with not showing your emotions? Has it ever been an issue in your relationship in the past? If so, then yes, talking to him and explaining to him that you are aware and working on it may help. If it's not an issue, then your best hope is to maintain NC. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Those are the reasons why i am doubting.I knew since before that arguing and begging WONT help,,so i was cool,and since then i haven tried to contact him at all...he did 2 times and i replied to both of them. I dont know maybe i was too cold and didnt show emotions.If thats the case then what is the right thing to do now? Just my thought, no one can really give you the best advice, its impossible to tailor any advice to someones specific situation. Personally, I would write a long letter expressing what you really felt, and that its hard to say this in person. Its sort of an easier way to reveal what you feel but still keeping your pride. I would detail why you dont want this break-up, what you honestly feel. If you are repeating the things you already said, or you are writing dishonest things (like making yourself appear more broken up than reality) then dont send. Then tell him you cant keep contacting him because you need to move on. But again, this depends on the break-up. Then heal and move on. Only time will tell, but someone who put thought into cutting you out of their life is not worth waiting for. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 No he dumped me ,,,and i kinda agreed very fast,maybe that was a mistake? i didn't fight at all.And now im in NC and wonder if its the right thing,,maybe i should just write something You saved yourself humiliation. Begging and pleading are not going to show someone you care but, will only make you look desperate in their eyes. He dumped you. Move on and find someone who appreciates you! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 So i shouldn't try to contact him after a month or two? NO! He dumped you! Go NC! Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 You need to be clear about your goals here before asking questions about no contact. Do you want him back? Did he break up with you for reasons under your control? Were you not giving him something that now you can? If you're just wondering if showing a bit more emotion may win him back without any regard for the reasons why he broke up with you, then don't contact him and move on. If lack of emotion is the reason why he broke up with you, then maybe you should come clean. yes i do want him back the breakup came out of the blue,everything was perfect..so it seemed Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 How long did you date? He didn't give you a reason? Link to comment
triangles Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Is NC the right thing to do even though i never really fought for my ex? i did say i would like to make our relationship work but i was too "proud" to show him i was devastated..so i never really begged,cried,called etc like most people did.So is NC the right thing to do if thats the case? he wont see any "difference" he will just think he never meant that much? :S Interesting question. I did the same thing. I didn't "fight for" the relationship. I cried when he broke up with me, but then I said, "See you around" and walked away. I texted him a couple weeks later with a question and he replied, but since that time (over a year ago) it's been total NC. I'm not holding my breath that he'll ever contact me again, but I know I did the right thing...for me. I think you're doing the right thing too by NOT contacting him in any way. Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Interesting question. I did the same thing. I didn't "fight for" the relationship. I cried when he broke up with me, but then I said, "See you around" and walked away. I texted him a couple weeks later with a question and he replied, but since that time (over a year ago) it's been total NC. I'm not holding my breath that he'll ever contact me again, but I know I did the right thing...for me. I think you're doing the right thing too by NOT contacting him in any way. did you break up as friends? my thoughts are..what if im giving up something that can be saved :S many people break up,get back together...it happens all the time,,but well i guess if its meant to be it will be Link to comment
Doofus Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 It will only 'be' if someone does something about it. Is it likely you'll bump into each other in the near future? I think that a lot of reconciliations happen when neither party breaks NC, fate does. Failing that, I like the letter idea. Tone is going to be very important, though. If he broke up with you - or you think he did- because you were too dramatic, keep the letter matter-of-fact, for example. You might make it very short: 'I'd like to try again with you'. For him and for you you might put a time limit on it, too. Like a week or something. This way he - and you - know you're not going to wait around forever. But, maybe, given the reasons for your bu, you should be more emotive. Think hard, you'll know what the best thing to do is. Regardless, I say take a shot. What have you got to lose, really? The worst case scenario is that he loses some respect for you. Who cares if you'll never see him again? The best is that you get him back. And you're right. People do get back together. And if you don't, at least you won't prolong your suffering wondering what if. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 did you break up as friends? my thoughts are..what if im giving up something that can be saved :S many people break up,get back together...it happens all the time,,but well i guess if its meant to be it will be You didn't say why he broke up with you? If he randomly broke up with you w/o a reason, I would wonder why you want someone like this back? Link to comment
triangles Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 did you break up as friends? my thoughts are..what if im giving up something that can be saved :S many people break up,get back together...it happens all the time,,but well i guess if its meant to be it will be No. We did not break up as "friends". He was a real jerk at the end, and I'm not friends with people like that. I think it's normal after a breakup to wonder if things could be "saved", but as time goes on that feeling will fade, or he will come back to you and make it clear he wants to reconcile with you. Otherwise, there's nothing you really can do. You're already doing it. You might find two books by Mimi Tanner helpful to your situation. The first one is Man Mistake Eraser, and the second one is Hard to Get. They're both available as ebooks. A little pricey - but I think WELL WORTH the money. I've read and re-read them many times. She's got great things to say to women about dating , and she says it in a very nice, easygoing, caring way. She also has free email newsletters she sends out that are really good. I've been a subscriber for about 5 years. Just Google her name to get on her mailing list. Again - well worth it! Link to comment
leq Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I honestly think you should tell him how you feel as soon as you can PM me if you want, I made the same mistake as you Link to comment
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