I just saw my ex today after 3 weeks of NC, I'm Heartbroken.

[Fill]

Before I get into this, here's my story in a nutshell. After 3.5 years of dating, my girlfriend desides to break-up because she wanted to be single and free. I could understand it because she's 22 years old and she wanted to experience more things before being tied down. Even though I understood, it still broke my heart. I begged and pleaded, but it didn't work. I initiated no contact after one week of being friends. After two weeks of NC she e-mails me and says she misses me and misses me being her best friend. This tore me up inside. It took me a few days to get back to normal.

 

Today my ex came by and dropped off a gift for my birthday. I had to see her because she called and said she was coming. When I saw her all my feelings came rushing back. I wanted to hug her and kiss her again, but I knew I can't. I was really aloof talking to her. I just said I've been busy and kept it really light. We talked for no more than 30 seconds and she said that I must have been busy so she'd leave me alone. I said yeah and she drove away. I wanted to tell her to stay and be with me today. It feels like I've taken 100 steps back after 3 weeks of NC. After she left, I read the card she gave me and it said that she still misses me as her best friend and when I'm ready to talk again she'll be there. During the three weeks, I told myself to move on and let go of this woman. After reading the card I want to hang on again and be there for her. I want her back now. She looked amazing when I saw her. I wanted to be the man in her life again. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and stay away from everybody. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going crazy.

[Celadon]

Hang in there, Fill. You are still in the roughest part of the breakup where it would be easier to deny everything and just jump back into the relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it can seem totally unreal.

 

IF there's anything you can do right now to cope, make the time to do it. I'd suggest healthy things like working out or writing pages and pages about how you feel or going to the beach/lake/woods and taking a lot of deep breaths. Or punch a punching bag.

 

You will not always feel this way, I promise. It will get better. Don't think about it to the point that you're fixated on it or making the hurt worse. It's painful, but you WILL get through it.

 

I don't know what else to say, but I've been where you are ... more than once. Friends, willpower, and time will see you through. Be stubborn. if you can. It's her mistake to let you go, but do yourself a favor: Refuse to be the one who pays for her mistake.

 

I hope some of this helps you. Take care of yourself.

[kungfumaster]

Yes - hang in there Fill - you're doing fine. Yes, the card is a set back - but that's okay. The healing process is a roller coaster - there are lots of downs, but you will have huge ups too - so look forward to that. At least she is respecting your need for space. Maybe from now on, just try to force NC - no matter what - all these contacts aren't good for us. K8tie had some good advise on what you should do now.

 

You are a good person Fill - and you will love again. For now, try to love yourself now.

 

Take care my friend.

Kung fu

[rich46]

Fill, I think I've said it before but your story is spookily similar to mine!! I was with my ex for 3.5 years, she is 22, needs space, time to be free, I tried for 1 week to be her "best friend" but couldn't do it, 3 weeks of NC before we spoke etc etc. (pretty similar eh?)

 

Anyway I'd just like to say that you are doing great. You are doing all the right things. Although I didn't see my ex after 3 weeks, we spoke on the phone and it did set me back for 2 or 3 days. She said to me "Have you decided whether or not you can be my friend?" to which I nearly broke down crying. It is so so difficult to tell someone you love so much that you can't be their friend. I reall really wanted to but it just is not possible right now. But you are in no way back to square one. It may feel like that but it definitely isn't.

 

Well a further 11 days passed after our phone conversation and she called me again for a stupid reason. But this time I felt a lot stronger and it hardly set me back at all. Make no mistake, this will be extremely tough. But gradually things will get better. Just hang in there and be strong. There is no shame in feeling this way after such a long relationship - it proves that you are a good, caring person.

 

So feel free to PM me anytime. Like I said, our stories are very similar and all I can say is you are doing well by sticking to NC - even if it is the toughest thing you've ever done.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[Pebek]

Fill - my story is also similar: my x of 4 1/2 years, who is 23 years old, told me in March she needed time. It hurt like hell. I still does sometimes. What you have to do is initiate 100% NC immediately. I does work. At least it has worked for me bc I feel better. I also thought the pain would stay the same. It's not true. The pain also becomes less intense. You just have to let time do its job. You should also try to separate reality from your emotions. It's extremely hard, but if you can do it, it works wonders.

I feel for you, man. I may be further down the road to recovery but my wound hasn't healed yet so I can relate to your pain.

 

Hang in there tough,

 

Pete

[Fill]

Thanks for all the great replies and advice guys, this really means a lot to me.

 

Last night was one of the worst nights I've ever had since the break up. I hung out with a group of friends, but I felt all alone among the pack. Even though people were there and I mingled amongst them, my heart and mind weren't really there. All I was thinking about was my ex. After seeing her yesterday it really threw my healing backwards. All my old emotional wounds reappeared and I felt so vulnerable. I was almost to the point of asking her to stay yesterday and be with me because she was the only person I wanted to be with after seeing her yesterday. K8tie Kool, I kept trying not to think about her last night, but my heart and mind were fixated on her after seeing her in person. It's been more than 3 weeks since I saw her. During that time I was doing NC, I realized that I needed to get over her and let go, but everything fell apart yesterday.

 

I've also was reading the card she gave me yesterday, trying to see why she would do something for me on my birthday. I know that she is a very kind and considerate person, but I would also assume that she would know I was in pain. I told her a month ago that I wouldn't contact her nor see her so it would give me time to get over her. Well here's what she said in my card:

 

"How's it going? I know it's been awhile since we talked, so I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to wish you a Happy 22nd Birthday. I would love to take you out to dinner, but I know you would not accept my offer. Remember that I still owe you dinner when I get my first paycheck? You promised me too, so hopefully you would give me the chance one day. Well, I just wanted to say happy birthday and I know you probably are going to party hard with your friends. Just remember to stay safe, ok? I'll always be here whenever you feel ready to talk again. I really miss having you as my best friend. As for now, I hope you enjoy your present and I have the receipt if you want to return them. Happy Birthday and hope all your wishes come true!!!"

 

A part of me was happy that she would go out of her way to do this for me, but a part of me is asking why did she have to go do this. She should know that I'm still trying to get over her, but now it feels like I'm holding on again, hoping that we'll have a chance to get back together. I don't even know if I should take this gift. I want to drop it back off at her house and let her know that I can't accept this because of how I'm feeling at the moment. I can't help it, I still love this girl with all my heart and she means the world to me. When I saw her yesterday and she handed me the gift, she looked like she was about to cry. I just wanted to just wrap my arms around her again and be like how we were in the past. Knowing her, I know she its not likely she'll contact me again because the ball is in my court now. A big part of me wants to e-mail her and setup a day where we can talk and find closure in all this. I want her to understand that I'm not upset at her in anyway and I hope that she's not in pain, but I also want her to know that I can't be friends with her, let alone be her best friend until I completely get over her.

 

This is so hard. This girl was my first love. This is the first girl I've ever went on a date with. We always told each other that we'd get married and settle down with each other. Now all my dreams and aspirations have been shattered. It feels so hard to show all this love and compassion to another person after somebody shatters your heart.

[rich46]

I really feel for you. I have taken a particular interest in your story because the similarities are endless. I was reading some of your old posts earlier, and I can also relate to the way she went out and flirted with other men towards the end. Same here. My ex didn't seem to realise how difficult it was for me to be sat at home on say a friday night, knowing that she was being chatted up by a load of guys at a club. So in a very strange way, I feel relieved that this has all come out because I probably felt much worse towards the end when she was in this 'in between' phase. i.e. she had me as her boyfriend but she was acting as if she was single.

 

I think your ex is being quite selfish in a way, although it is probably subconscious. She quite naturally doesn't want you to "get over her" as I don't think she is 100% certain that she is doing the right thing. thereforeeee it is natural to keep hold of you in some small way. You are a smart guy though, as you know what you need to do, it's just she is making it very difficult for you.

 

In my situation, I live 100 miles away from my ex so it is easier in a way. However she did call me and then send me a text message a couple of days ago...for a poor reason. The final text message ended with 'xxx' which she never used to do - it always used to be just the one kiss. You see?? It's difficult not to overanalyse the smallest thing that your ex does isn't it?? (see my thread: link removed ) That is why NC is a must. I think she deliberately did that to get me thinking, to hold me back slightly. I know my ex is a sweet, caring girl and by the sounds of it, so is yours. So I am not slagging them off or anything for being selfish, it's just the way it is.

 

2 weeks ago, after doing 3 weeks of NC, I decided to call her. This was not a breakdown on my part, I just felt I needed to do it to get some closure (I don't like that word but it is true). I told her that I thought about her all the time, and although it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, I said I couldn't be friends with her. We both cried on the phone, and the next 3 or 4 days were like being back at the very beginning. I was like a zombie, moping around and crying nearly all the time. That call did set me back, but I felt like I had to clear the air and let her know how I felt, and the reasons why I couldn't be "best friends." From that call she will know that I am not angry with her, I do understand her need to be young, free and single before it's too late.

 

So maybe you need to do something similar for this closure. It's up to you what you do. But something needs to be done or she will keep contacting you and making you feel guilty for not being "best friends" ??!! Maybe an email telling her how you feel and how you are not angry, you just need some no contact time. Tell her maybe one day you can be friends, but not right now. I also let my ex know that she should contact me if she changed her mind about us, or wanted to talk about us. Now I know that she won't be afraid to contact me if her feelings changed.

 

Sorry if I'm waffling on! I just want you to know that I know what you are going through right now, but you are doing well. You are doing the same things that I did a few weeks ago and I am feeling much better for it. It is still hard, especially today as I know she has gone on a weekend trip to Dublin with her friend - so there will be all the Irish men chatting her up as I type! But I am learning to deal with that - my time will come when I am good and ready. I need a lot of single time right now though. She too was my first date, first love, first everything. I was hers too. Maybe we met too early in life? I don't know.

 

Good luck and keep posting on here, just writing this response has made me feel a little bit better.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[altoids144]

I can relate to your situation. I had been out with my ex for over 2 years and felt that it was true love. She was my first serious girlfriend and I was in love with her. It has been 3 months since i've had contact with her. Sometimes we would talk over AIM but only once or twice over the period. But today I saw her since I was meeting up with mutual friends. I wish I hadn't gone, I kept looking at her and saying to myself how beautiful she was. It kind of set me back a little and now I know i shouldn't see her anymore until i'm totally healed. It's a difficult time but I should be able to get through it. No contact is definitely the way to go. .. difficult though.

[sandbox2832]

I agree with ALTOIDS144 that NC is the best way to go until you are healed.

 

I'm currently on I think 19D-NC, counting from the time my Ex came over to fix the spark plugs in the mower. Other than that date, the only times I've have seen him was on two scheduled bike rides--one actually on a rest stop and then this last bike ride at the tradeshow going on inside the building.

 

Today I went on a solo 10 mile bike ride around the farm to think. My Ex looked good. I miss him still. He knew just how to scratch my back when it was needing it. A spoon or a ruler doesn't do that a good job.

 

I still haven't been able to work myself up to do a 8:30 Sunday bike ride or much less any bike ride that I know he normally goes on. Since July 13th to now most people would say there has been enough time gone by that it shouldn't bother you any. I think I may have a clue why i haven't done these rides. While the brief contact on these 2 scheduled rides was short and brief and didn't deeply affect me bad, these small contacts did remind me of what I partly missed.

 

While biking today I realized that he will be in town for a long time since he bought a house and has no plans to sell it and move on. He wanted to buy a house before he was 40 and quit paying rent, and knew what he wanted in a house and the neighborhood. So I doubt very much if he could sell it anyway as it was on the market for a long time before he bought it. He just now has to find the right woman, if any, to share his small place with him. Then I have bought a house and I will be around for some time to come as I have no plans to sell it and move on.

 

Since we are both here in town, and there has been nearly 3 weeks of NC, I am going to try to start riding on the Sunday ride starting September 1st, whether he is there or not. I am tired of hiding. At least I will be able to find out how it does affect me if he is still there and keep that hidden with a poker face/sun glasses and then break down at home later out of sight if I need to.

 

Of course, I said I would try to do this a while back and didn't follow through. If he hadn't looked so good and hadn't been nice to me in his greeting at the trade show, I probably wouldn't have had thought of him today.

 

i wish there was a divorce pill a person could take when a relationship ends that would eliminate all the hurt that goes with it. Part of me would love to talk to my Ex still yet per Scout, if I can keep up the NC eventually my Ex may call me on his own. Maybe later down the road initiate a small conversation with me at a group bike ride.

 

Whatever you wind up and do, try to keep up the NC and talk to the forum groups when you need to vent or just talk.

[Fill]

As usual, you guys give great advice and I thank you for it.

 

altoids144 I completely understand what you went through. After I saw my ex last Friday, I couldn't shake the thought of her from my head. I kept replaying that scene and I kept noticing how beautiful and unique she is and that she's the only woman who I want to be with. It's been difficult for me since the day I saw her and I still can't erase her from my head. I'm still doing NC and it's been 4 weeks now since I contacted her, but she e-mailed me once and saw me a few days ago, so I think I'm back on day one.

 

sandbox2832, I agree with you that small contact with your ex does bring back good memories that you miss. After seeing my ex for the first time in a month brought back a wave of good memories from the past within these last few days. I would remember how we'd call each other at anytime of the day to just say hi and see how each of us were doing or whenever I get into a funny situation she'd be the first person I would call to tell. I wish I had your strength and say "I'm tired of hiding" just like you. This past month I avoided doing a few things or going places where I could potentially see my ex, especially at the malls. After seeing her last week, I realized that it has thrown me back a lot and I want to avoid going back to this point again.

 

rich46, I read through all your posts from the time you first started posting here and like you said we're in the exact same situation. You're like a mirror image of me somewhere else. Thanks for all the great advice you've been giving. I really appreciate it. After talking to a friend Saturday, he said the exact same thing you said about our exes, they are a bit selfish in wanting to break up, but yet still be "best friends". He told me that it's almost impossible to be best friends with somebody you still love and care for deeply in a couple way. They're probably stringing you along being their emotional support when they need somebody to talk to without having the commitment of a relationship or they may be out there testing the field and when they can't find somebody, they run back to the person whose been there waiting on them. Even after my ex dumped me, she still talked about being with me in the future and cooking me dinner, but at the same time she went on lunch and dinner dates with other guys which got me really jealous. This was one of the main reasons I initiated NC, because I couldn't stand hearing her stories of going out with other guys or meeting and dancing with guys at clubs. I wish I was in your situation living 100 miles away from my ex instead of 2 miles. I have a high chance of seeing her everyday and that is something I really try my best to avoid.

 

Lately I've been thinking about taking you up on your advice of contacting her for some closure. I want to tell her how I still feel about us and how I felt when she showed up at my door after I haven't seen her for a month. One thing is that I don't want to be thrown back to the very beginning and be back at square one of my healing again. I also want to tell her something similar to what you said to your ex, that she should contact me if she changed her mind about us, or wanted to talk about us, but that's all I really want to hear, I don't want her to call and talk about how her day was or what she's been doing because it'll throw me for a loop. I don't know if I should do this though because it feels like I might be able to let go because I know that I still have the door open for her when she wants to return. What would you guys suggest?

[rich46]

Hi Fill,

 

I agree we are like mirror images but the one difference is the distance between us and our exes. If I only lived 2 miles away from her then I really don't know what I'd have done regarding speaking to her. For you there is obviously the issue of bumping into her when you are out. What will you do when you see her? Ignore her? Be friendly? It really is a tough call.

 

I have felt a lot better since I got things off my chest a few weeks ago, when I called her. The pressure is off my shoulders and that has been a massive relief. It did set me back for a few days, definitely. Again I could hardly eat or sleep, but I wasn't anywhere near as bad as when it first happened. So I don't think you would be back to square one like you said. You'd be set back a little in the short term, but in the long term you may feel a lot better...?

 

Only you can say whether you need to get this closure. All I can say is that it helped me, and thereforeeee I would never tell you 'Don't do it.' Do you think that she is aware of how you feel? Is she aware of your reasons for doing NC? Does she know that your door is slightly open for her?

 

These are the questions that were preying on my mind, and that is why I called her. She knows that I am trying to move on in my life, but she knows to contact me should she want to talk about us. She knows that the door is open slightly. She knows why I am doing NC. She knows I really really want to be friends with her but it's not possible.

 

So there's no bad blood between us, and I know that for a fact. If I never speak to her again, at least I know that we left it on good terms, with her knowing how much I love her and my reasons for doing NC. I'm pretty sure we will speak again though, although I don't think it will be through me initiating contact. Not for a long while anyway.

 

So there are my feelings FOR getting this closure, or clarification...whatever you want to call it. Like I said, your situation is slightly different as you live close to her. Whether that changes things regards contacting her, I'm not sure.

 

The hardest part of our break ups is that it's not like our exes hate us or anything - they are just going through this single, clubbing phase in their early twenties. It makes it hard to move on, because you still feel that if you just sit it out, then you could be together in say 12 months time. However, I think that is quite unrealistic, and if I stayed in contact with my ex for however long this phase lasted for, I could end up even more hurt further down the line. Plus I'd have wasted a large part of my life.

 

You are doing everything right, definitely. Give a lot of thought to whether or not you call her, as it is definitely a tough one.

 

Good luck and stay strong,

 

Rich 8)

[BayArean]

Well fellas i'm feeling all of your pains right now!! Me and my ex were together for 6 years and then bam! She turns 21 and she now realizes that she's been missing out on meeting all these different people and different things to do. She too was my first, everything, and it's hard to realize that she's moved on and I feel left hanging. We too talked about marriage and kids and just living together etc.... And I did mess up on my part by trying to do the NC thing and breaking it a little too fast. She came at me with the I miss you's and everything else like that. I gave in and ended up kicking it with her a lil too early. Just hurt because she wasn't there everyday for me anymore and she didn't call me every like hour just to see what i was doing. Instead she was calling some other guy and giving him the same attention i used to have. (that hurt), Then she tells me all these good things that this chump is doing right and that hurts even more. Just yesturday i kicked it with her for a little bit, we shared laughs and just hung out like we used to. But yeah it hurts the next day when they don't call you to even see how you're doing. She still calls me babe and she talked about how when "we" have kids were going to do this and this and this right. I guess my situation is a lil different but i feel you in the end. There's times when i can't even function right and i know i need to get out. It hurts. What's helping me right now is the gym, and just the motivation that when i finally get outta school, i'm going to be rich and she's not and i'm just going to live right for myself. I guess i'm still having trouble finding and doing things for myself but i'm adjusting and learning that i come first before her. Anyways i do feel this hurt and you aren't alone. We'll make it big and we'll find some other women that'll make us just as happy or even happier. Keep your head up man and just stay busy. Tell yourself that you can worry about things later between you. You know!! You'll be okay!