Does she have narcissitic traits? How to create healthy boundaries?

[1MoreChance]

Do you think this person has narcissistic traits and the friendship unhealthy?

 

-from the start, the person has been hot and cold, sometimes making plans, hanging out and confiding in me like friends do, other times ignoring my calls and messages.

 

-asked /asks a lot of favors

 

-gets very argumentative and needs to be right

 

-brags (example if I say i would like to improve a certain skill, she right away might say "oh, like I do it")

 

-just behaves in a manipulative way generally: ex. during a trip will keep saying she is hungray and has no money, will eat all the food I brought without asking or saying thank you - like she is entitled to it, but then will go out and purchase expensive meals in restaurants with her credit card. It got so ridiculous, she kept making stupid comments about how she was so hungry and broke, like she was waiting for a reaction from me, to the point of scrambling through her coat pockets, finding stale cookies and eating and spitting them out (still making her stupid jokes on how she had to eat this rotten food cause she has no money! WTH?? She HAS money as her life style suggests and WHY is she trying to make me feel like I OWE her food???

 

-will get upset and condescendingly say "Oh NO! Do NOT mother me!", ALL because I expressed concern about her walking around a strange town after dark, and I only suggested we moved the car to be closer to cafe where she was going (to eat and use the Internet). I was NOT mothering her! Only showing concern as a good friend! When she insisted I wear an extra jacket to go on a hike, I didn't freak on her and tell her condescendingly that she was "mothering" me... I saw it as a friend showing concern (she DOES have great qualities, otherwise I would have wanted nothing at all to do with her).. I simply gently said no thanks. That is all.

 

-attention seeking, always talking, doesn't get the hint when I want quiet time.

 

- gets irritated, speaks impatiently and tries to make you feel bad. The first time it happenned she said she was frustrated with herself, not with me, and said that she was allowed to feel that way, that the problem was that I took it personally. Yet she has told me our friendship was a "healing friendship", that I should ask her "are you irritated, what is the matter?"(cause she said she doesn,t even realize she is being rude... but why is it MY job to bring it to her awareness?). But when I do ask, she becomes MORE irritated. Example at a restaurant she is looking at her Facebook account and I asked her if she wanted to show me a pic of a new guy she is dating and she get REALLY frustrated with me, saying "YA, YA! just WAIT a second!!", so I replied "I just want you to know that I respect you if you don,t feel comfortable showing me the pic yet, and I don,t want you to feel pressured." And then she gets more upset! and speaks down to me! so I asked "Are you irritated" and she denied and just told me that if I didn't bug her with my questions, she wouldnt be irritated.

 

I don't deserve all this! I want to distance myself from this person! I'd like to know how to create healthy boundaries with this person. I idealized this person for months in the past! I realize now that SHE doesn't deserve my friendship! That my idealizing others comes from my own feelings of low self-esteem! I also realize that these types of people who have a SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, attract people like me! Thank you for your advice!

[Mauxly]

You don't need to analyze her or put a label on her to decide that she's not someone you want to be friends with. I'd suggest that the healthiest boundary you can put down is to stop hanging out with her all together. No need for explanations.

[mhowe]

Totally agree -- doesn't need a label. You are dealing with an immature, totally self-absorbed, emotionally stunted, manipulative child. Walk away and don't look back.

[annie24]

Totally agree -- doesn't need a label. You are dealing with an immature, totally self-absorbed, emotionally stunted, manipulative child. Walk away and don't look back.

 

agreed - i don't know if she qualifies for a psychiatric diagnosis but who cares - do you really have fun with her and enjoy her friendship?

[1MoreChance]

No, I didn't really enjoy myself that much on the trip. Before the trip I have had many enjoyable conversations with her and she has many qualities and I thought she was a special person with much to offer. But I have had a few problems with her in the past.

 

Like one time, we saw someone near our homes who left the hose running really hard on their front yard and I said it was wasteful and that I wanted to say something to this person and she told me "let me talk, say nothing, ok?". I half-heartedly agreed (I was kinda shocked she even mentionned that) and then we walked over to the person and she started to talk to him and when I tried to add something, she finger jabbed me pretty hard in the arm right in front of the person (to tell me to shut up).

 

I was so stunned! I told her she had no right to do that, and to not ever jab me like that again. She said that I had agreed so what was the problem? I said that I felt frozen and shocked that she told me to be quiet and let her talk and that I had not known how to react and that it was MY RIGHT TO SPEAK when i judged it appropriate. She argued that she didn't "tell" me but rather "asked" me to be quiet but really, the tone she used was clearly more than a request or suggestion. again, it was self-entitlement and self-absortion.

 

She told me she was glad I had spoken to her and that we could "grow" together by freely discussing these things, discussing them in a way we would never do it when we were small children and our parents violated our boundaries and shamed us. She said with her i was safe to express my concerns and to "please do it because I need you yo tell me since I am not always aware of it". well guess what, it's NOT MY JOB to make her aware of her shortcomings so she can "grow". I personally feel the stakes are too high! Why would I stick around so she can dominate and condescend me, so we can "grow"???

 

As a matter of fact, one time this week-end, she was acting all irritated with me and I told her about it like 20 minutes after the fact. she said to tell her straight away next time, so she could remember she had been rude and irritated, but she also said she did remember feeling frustrated with herself and that she was allowed to be frustrated and that I should not take it personally. But it felt SO MUCH like she was irritated with me, in that way she spoke to me! She said "next time just ask me, are you irritated". So the both times she responded irritatingly and harshly after that, I DID check with her (respectfully), but she got WORSE, not better! She got mad at me and and I stressed and felt scared and sad. And she didn't feel that THOSE times i was helping our friendship "grow". So all that BS about her wanting me to tell her how I feel because I am safe to and it helps her be more aware of herself is garbage, she doesn't really wanna behave differently.

 

She emailed me tonight about how wonderful our trip was.... I just don't get it... she got super pissed at me in the car for asking a simple question about wether she had seen an acquaintance of ours at an event. She answered me "NO! I didn't see her!" all annoyed, and when I asked if she was irritated, she said "YA because you keep asking me that question and I told you I-DON'T-KNOW!"... and I argued that I didn't "keep asking", that I only asked twice but she said, no you asked 3 times, and that is why I am annoyed, I told you the first time I didn't know.... I said why are you speakign to me that way and she said "DO I HAVE TO BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN A BAD MOOD??" I was almost in tears, she never noticed.

 

Tell me guys, AM I askign her to be perfect? Should I forgive this behavior??

[chitown9]

You don't need this person in your life. That is all you need to know...