Went long-distance only after a couple of dates. Advice?

[tygerwolf]

Not officially in a relationship. Went on a few dates though and had a great time. We have talked on the phone a lot. We know each other well and really like each other. In fact hes easily become one of my best friends (and more). I've known him for years but recently reconnected with him.

 

But after 2 weeks of being together, he is gone out of state (about 8hrs away) and will be there for the next 3-4 years.

 

What would you do in this situation? Im not giving details really. Just asking for opinions if you found yourself in this situation.

 

Our "relationship" started when he was in town for a couple of weeks but we had been talking on the phone a lot months prior to finally seeing him again. He thought he'd be able to move back down here permanently but cannot due to the inability to transfer from the school he goes to currently. (to make a long story short.)

 

Would you give up? Were not even in a relationship so im not sure what to hope for...

[OptomisticGirl]

How often would you be able to see each other? Is he moving back after the 3-4 years?

[tygerwolf]

How often would you be able to see each other? Is he moving back after the 3-4 years?

He would be able to visit every 3-4 months at the most. And if things look up, I could visit him around holidays when I can.

 

Hes not sure where he wants to go after he graduates though. He just has... no clue. He honestly told me this.

 

And honestly im not sure where I will go when I graduate either. All depends on where I get a good job offer from.

 

*sigh* Bad timing and distance.

[OptomisticGirl]

I wouldn't start a relationship with all this up int he air. A LDR of that long needs to know it's going to end - and by the sounds of things, it may not. I would just keep in casual contact but not start anything serious.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't start a relationship with all this up int he air. A LDR of that long needs to know it's going to end - and by the sounds of things, it may not. I would just keep in casual contact but not start anything serious.

 

Excellent advice - and in my former LDR we also were long distance after a few weeks (although we had dated in the past) - and it worked mostly because we were able to see each other every 10-11 days and we had specific long term plans.

[OptomisticGirl]

Excellent advice - and in my former LDR we also were long distance after a few weeks (although we had dated in the past) - and it worked mostly because we were able to see each other every 10-11 days and we had specific long term plans.

 

Exactlly. My fiance and I have been a LDR for about 19 months and will do 1 year of a long distance marriage. The ONLY reason we entered into the relationship was because we had serious talks about who was willing to move were, our life long goals, and we knew that if it was serious we would be 'together' by 2013. LDRs HAVE to have an end date - the ones that don't drag on, and on, and on and it poisions the relationship.

[tygerwolf]

I wouldn't start a relationship with all this up int he air. A LDR of that long needs to know it's going to end - and by the sounds of things, it may not. I would just keep in casual contact but not start anything serious.

 

Excellent advice! Both of you. Thank you.

 

This is actually what i've started doing with him. We check up on each other about once a week or so. See how the others doing and how things have been. Just keeping it casual. Its hard because I feel myself wanting more but your absolutely right. Casual is best in my situation.

 

Thank you both for your advice!

[tygerwolf]

Urghh this casual contact is harder some days than others. Im not sure what im hoping for. I guess im afraid that he will forget about me once he IS in town again. He and I text every week or so approx. Im not sure how to handle my feelings about things though. I want to keep him around but even I do not know why. I enjoy him too much? If he doesn't text me after a little over a week I feel myself getting anxious. When he does text me it makes my day. So sad but true.

 

How would you handle this? A casual thing shouldn't have such a handle on my emotions.

[abitbroken]

Consider this a budding relationship. You have to consider that the pace of a LDR is slower. If you had 3 dates and then he moved and is away for 3 months, you really have dated only a few weeks. I would honestly use the phone time to see what kind of guy he was, figure out any dealbreakers and just get to know him as a person and don't be exclusive. He could end up being a dud or end up being the one. If you are not dating exclusively, see how things shake out. I would have a more hopeful answer if your plans aligned to be in the same town (he was from your town and grew up there and wanted to come back), but the "not knowing" doesn't really make for a good long term or permanent prospect in the future. I think that when you are LDR you have to think more seriously about if someone is the one. I would either cut this off completely, or just keep things very casual and nonexclusive and if you still feel a connect when he comes to visit in 3 months, and you can end up visiting him for a weekend say every other month too, then decide to date LDR, but keep this time as the sort of interview period to get to know him.

[tygerwolf]

Well the thing is, we already did this. We reconnected online and through the phone and skype before we met again. We talked almost every night for hours on end. We have a lot in common and we know each other quite well. He shares his ideas with me and his problems. I do the same.

 

That was before he came into town and before he found out that he wasn't going to be able to come back. Our time together in town was fantastic and fun. After he left we continued talking. But when he found out that he couldn't move back here, he started contacting me much less. He always responds to my messages and is his usual self. But he doesn't make much of an effort anymore. Im wondering if he wants to continue this. From his occasional texts id say yes, in a way.

 

Its just discouraging to feel things fade out while hes gone. How do I keep it casual since we only physically went out a couple of times? (Although we've been talking for about 6 months now)