How can I stop control issues once and for all?

[SandersT]

Hello everyone.

I come to you all with a humble heart, and frustrated mindset. I am frustrated about why and how I treat women. I don't know why, but I certainly do know how. Whenever I feel that I am being treated unfairly, ignored, and not cared about from women I'm in love with or have a crush on, especially when they are not ignoring me, really do care about me, and is treating me fairly, I say hurtful, sometimes even behaving abusive and controlling to the women I am in love with or have a crush on.

The main issue is, a woman I am friends with and have feelings for blocked my old number because I for one, told her I didn't want to be her friends anymore when it actually wasn't true (because I felt our communication wasn't up to par when texting, and she prefers texting), I said it out of frustration and didn't really mean it, and two, I have a bad temper and I snap at her when she is mad at me and I feel that she is not seeing things from my perspective, or is not giving me a chance to talk when I am mad. I also snap at her when I feel she is ignoring me when I am lonely and want someone to talk to. But now it's been about a month, and I feel that I'm ready to talk to her without snapping, but she disagrees (she is right, I do tend to raise my voice whenever I am frustrated and want to say something, but she isn't giving me the chance), and now because of her disagreement, I took matters into my own hands; I changed my number not once, but twice! All because I feel that I am "getting more prison time than I deserve." At this time, she still loves me and cares about me, but is not sure if she wants to remain friends. She isn't even sure about why she fell in love with me (last year).

So my question to everyone is, how can I stop this abusive, controlling behavior once and for all? Also, bear in mind that she is the first woman I have ever fell in love with, I am in therapy because I realize my actions and take responsibility for them, I abruptly stopped taking the drug Celexa about 3 weeks ago (20 mg), I never knew my father, and everything is new to me. I didn't even know I could be this mean to women; I thought I was a cool guy. But every time I fall in love with a woman or have a crush on her, I turn controlling, have trust issues, and sometimes even jealous. How can I stop?

[lukeb]

Well for one you can't really be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.

[somethngwrng]

Well for one you can't really be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.

That's not really an excuse. I've been friends with girls I had romantic feelings for - where we both knew I did and they were unrequited. I managed to avoid behaviour like this fairly easily.

[SpottiOtti]

I applaud you for realizing you have this issue and taking responsibility for your actions. It may not seem like you are getting anywhere right now, but I think that is the first step.

 

In your post, you mention a couple of things that could be "clues" to why you have this issue. I think maybe this has something to do with it:

 

Whenever I feel that I am being treated unfairly, ignored, and not cared about from women

 

I think anyone would feel upset if they felt they were being treated this way! But you say that in reality, these things are not occurring. That means you are having an extreme emotional/biological response to your perception of these events. Maybe this is something you could bring up next time you are in a therapy session?

 

 

I said it out of frustration and didn't really mean it

 

Sometimes I say things too out of frustration, that are mean, and designed to hurt, because I feel like the person is hurting me and it's easier to "defend" myself and hurt them back than it is to say, "You are hurting my feelings." (And I'm guessing maybe it's harder for a man to admit they are hurt, because society tells you that you should be strong and not show your feelings.) Are they intentionally hurting me? Most of the time, no. But again, that emotional response to being hurt is to hurt back for me. Maybe it is the same for you?

 

I have a bad temper and I snap at her when she is mad at me and I feel that she is not seeing things from my perspective, or is not giving me a chance to talk when I am mad.

 

This is also really frustrating. When you are angry and you just want to be heard, and someone won't let you talk, it is so infuriating. But I think sometimes this happens because you are coming accross as so angry and mean, it puts the person you're talking to on the defensive, and they aren't as receptive to you because you are hurting them. So they want to defend themselves, and it goes on and on and you get nowhere.

 

I think it's great that you are in therapy, and I think you already have some insight as to what triggers your behavior. If your therapist is a good one, they will help you to respond to these triggers in a way that allows for better communication and more self-respect for you. (I know I always feel terrible about myself when I act that way, and when I manage to avoid it, I feel really good about myself.)

 

Good luck, and keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

[SandersT]

That's not really an excuse. I've been friends with girls I had romantic feelings for - where we both knew I did and they were unrequited. I managed to avoid behaviour like this fairly easily.

 

Somethngwrng, It's an issue that not every male has, anyway. And for the men that do (me, of course), have a hard time shaking off this behavior, it can be a difficult struggle. One that requires therapy. I have also been diagnosed with Severe Depression, so I think that makes it harder to stop this behavior, besides being inexperienced, young, with no father, and unemployed. Lukeb, my bad behavior started when I first fell in love with her in August of last year (she fell in love with me sometime in the spring). It progressively got worse, but we became a couple in December. Because of my abusive ways and my bad temper, and my tendency to jump to conclusions, it lasted for a week.

[SandersT]

Double posted

[SandersT]

My brother, you hit the nail on the head, me and you are one in the same! I really do think I snap at her that way because I feel, like you said, like defending myself from her hurting me. She however, has never intentionally hurt me. There has been times where I tried to get her to see that she does hurt me, whether intentional or not, but she keeps disagreeing. I can't think of one of the times now, but hopefully she will and apologize for them. She has no problems admitting her own mistakes and apologizing after she snaps at me, but somethings she does to hurt me, she just doesn't see. And about me asking about feeling that I'm being treated unfairly in my next therapy session, I certainly will do that. ;-) Now all I need are some mind techniques to stop myself from acting so quick-tempered and controlling. Once I get mad, i'm like a train; I'm hard to stop.

[SpottiOtti]

Fortunately, there are many ways to stop that train. I bet your therapist could recommend some techniques that would be especially tailored to your feelings and perspectives.

 

I'm a girl, btw.

[somethngwrng]

Somethngwrng, It's an issue that not every male has, anyway. And for the men that do (me, of course), have a hard time shaking off this behavior, it can be a difficult struggle. One that requires therapy. I have also been diagnosed with Severe Depression, so I think that makes it harder to stop this behavior, besides being inexperienced, young, with no father, and unemployed. Lukeb, my bad behavior started when I first fell in love with her in August of last year (she fell in love with me sometime in the spring). It progressively got worse, but we became a couple in December. Because of my abusive ways and my bad temper, and my tendency to jump to conclusions, it lasted for a week.

Yeah, I'm not judging you for it, but pointing out that it is possible to be friends with women you are romantically interested in without resorting to this behaviour.

[SandersT]

Fortunately, there are many ways to stop that train. I bet your therapist could recommend some techniques that would be especially tailored to your feelings and perspectives.

 

I'm a girl, btw.

Oh! I am sorry! Yes, I'm a guy, but as of late, it seems like my feelings, thoughts, even behaviors are more similar to a females. Is it because I grew up without a father and was raised by women?

[nutbrownhare]

It actually sounds as though you've got a lot of unresolved anger around women, feeling dismissed, being treated unfairly and being controlled. When we're young, if we have a very painful experience of being under someone else's control, it's not unusual to want to control others - to help us feel 'safe'. Problem is, as you have seen - it doesn't work. I'm guessing you're actually very vulnerable, and are defending yourself from perceived attacks which aren't actually there.

 

I have a hunch that this has very little to do with anyone you're romantically interested in at the moment. I also have a hunch that the key to this kind of behaviour lies in your relationship with your mother or other significant females when you were young. It actually sounds as though you're punishing women in the here and now for stuff which happened years ago, when you were too young to be able to assert yourself.

 

You yourself have recognised that your behaviour gets worse when you're with someone who really cares about you - while I'm sure this isn't calculating on your part, someone who didn't care about you wouldn't put up with it! - but the fact that it isn't actually an appropriate response gives a clue that it's very little to do with the here-and-now.

 

However, you have already decided that you, and you alone, are responsible for your actions. This means that you're likely to do very well in therapy as you stop giving your power away to others, and then getting angry with them.

 

Another thing about responsibility is owning your feelings, as in: "I feel hurt by that" as opposed to "You hurt my feelings". The moment you have two people accusing each other of causing their emotions - that's a game, a no-win cycle of blame, counter-blame, accusation, rebuttal etc etc which takes up a lot of energy but doesn't actually get you anywhere.

 

The moment you tell yourself "I feel hurt by that", without blaming the other person, and start looking within yourself to see where an over-the-top response has come from, the possibility for real personal growth becomes a reality. You're in therapy, so you'll have plenty of support as you go through this process. My advice to you also is to steer clear of relationships at the moment, and concentrate instead on healing yourself.

 

I also congratulate you on your courage and integrity. Most abusers, or potential abusers, are far too busy blaming others for their own shortcomings to be able to work on their issues - but this clearly doesn't apply to you.

 

All the very best to you!

[MCXFactor]

Yes. I do agree with the said things on this thread.

[SandersT]

Thank you very much, someone else that hit the nail on the head! I say that because when I think back to my childhood, it all makes sense. As a matter of fact there was not one, but 2 of my mother' friends (yes, females) in my past who tried to punish me when they felt my mother thought whatever I did wasn't a big deal. First, and the worst abuser, was my Godmother Kimme. She played the role of mother when she felt my biological mother wasn't fit enough. My mother hated it, and still to this day, they are on talking terms. She gave me tough love, very tough love in fact, and even beat me with a belt so badly one day that I remember the entire ordeal to this very day, and it happened around 94-95 (when I was in 4th grade, I'm 25 now). The beating was severe, lasted about 15 minutes, left me sore for days, and to this day, I hate her for it. She has whooped me once or twice before, and made me feel like an animal. She even got one of my mother's friends (the other friends aforementioned) to whoop me (and yes, it did hurt) just because I didn't wanna go to this summer program that took place at a church accross the street of my house. Those two ordeals and Kimme trying to be my mother has scarred and abused me very badly. I too think it's wise to steer clear from relationships until I get this behavior in control and I get over this abuse. I also want to thank you on your advice on owning my feelings. Whenever something offended me, I've always said "That hurt m feelings," or "you hurt my feelings," not "I feel hurt by that." I should definitely remember to express myself in that way. Thanks again.

[nutbrownhare]

Wow - no wonder you're angry with 'women'!! The fact that you have such clear memories will also help you locate the source of your current difficulties, and I really hope you can leave all this pain behind you.

 

All the best!

[sunnyhappydays]

Just chiming in to add to the messages that you really are a brave and amazingly perceptive person to see this issue and face it.

 

I'm sure you will overcome this (and any other obstacles life throws at you)!

[SandersT]

Wow - no wonder you're angry with 'women'!! The fact that you have such clear memories will also help you locate the source of your current difficulties, and I really hope you can leave all this pain behind you.

 

All the best!

 

I will, thank you for your help.

[SandersT]

Just chiming in to add to the messages that you really are a brave and amazingly perceptive person to see this issue and face it.

 

I'm sure you will overcome this (and any other obstacles life throws at you)!

 

All it took was hurting the woman I love the most, Sunny. I will overcome this.

[SandersT]

Oh, and I just found out recently that my grandfather was controlling as well...he was married and didn't let his wife out of the house, she could only stay in and cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc. smh

[SandersT]

Well, I guess there's nothing else to say. Thanks SpottiOtti and nutbrownhare for your help and opinions. You've helped me find out where these issues are coming from, and I will definitely talk to my therapist about this.