Just married, wife is having some mental issues and I don't know what to do!!

[lookingforadvi]

Hi All,

 

Its been a long time since I have posted looking for advice. Well here it goes. I am recently married as of May after about 3 years of dating and ever since the wedding it seems like my wife is falling apart. She is self aware of what is going on and actively seeking advice, and going to a mental health professional for counseling.

 

The problem is that she seems to be blaming all of her issues on whatever it is that sets her off for the day - one day its you are making me crazy, next day is my job is making me crazy. Its getting to the point where she is about ready to quit her job over this. The issues that she is having at work seem insignificant (at least to me anyway) and not a reason for her tremendous anxiety over it.

 

She has been putting an incredible amount of pressure on me to have kids lately and to be a stay at home mom. Fortunately I do have good employment and we could probably make this work with some sacrifice of course. The problem is that I am not ready for kids yet, and I think our relationship is under alot of stress due to this and some other lingering issues we had prior to the marriage.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I really love this woman but can't understand what is going on in her head and am really at a loss. The selfish side of me is thinking "this is not what I signed up for", but the rational side is saying that I did make the vows in sickness and health.

 

I'm not sure this is something I will be able/willing to deal with for the rest of my life and I have no one to talk to about it... I feel like it is dragging me down and affecting my mental state as well. We have been married for 3 months and I am not happy.

 

Please help!

[DN]

Under no circumstances should you agree to have children and be the sole means of support while she is having these issues - and you should also not agree to it if you don't want to.

 

I agree that marriage vows should be honoured but not if issues, such as mental issues, were not disclosed beforehand.

[mhowe]

I think she is looking for a reason to quit work and stay home and have kids. If you didn't know this before you married her, I'm surprised. This is only 3 months in and she is going for a major life change. Tell her/her counselor --- fine, look for a new job ---- but WE are not in any way ready to start a family.

 

Make it a financial goal --- one that will take 2 salaries to achieve. We need to have X amount in the bank before I would feel comfortable starting a family. If you want to quit work, it will take that much longer to get there.

 

Do not let "I guit work (wife) = we have kids.

[zaza34]

If your wife is having problems, just do anything to find out what is that exactly and than try to help her, be there for her to get well...

But don t do the mistake to have kids with this woman!!! Kids will not solve her problems!!! Her behavior is not normal, so make sure she seeks some professional help!!! Somehow your story seems similar to one of my friend s story: he had a desperate wife, who at the beginning at their marriage was unhappy with her job, so she quit (she never worked in the past 10 yeas) than she got bored so she desperately wanted a kid, of course she was still unhappy, so she wanted another one, than again got seriously depressed and started cheating on him big time, like she was sleeping with just anybody... than found out that she is bipolar, maniac faze, and for him practically there is no way out from this, two kids and a wife who is unable to take care of herself, she still is just spending his money and can t stop cheating on him... So my advice is to seek for professional help asp!!!

[FathomFear]

The selfish side of me is thinking "this is not what I signed up for", but the rational side is saying that I did make the vows in sickness and health.

 

Agreeing to marry someone does not mean that they suddenly have the green light to guilt trip and rush you into major life decisions. This needs to be mutual. In my opinion, it sounds like she's festering up lots of pseudo-drama around her workplace to make you believe that her quitting her job would somehow be a magic mullet for everything. Don't fall prey to this.

[lookingforadvi]

I appreciate all of your responses. I am 100% in agreement that we are not in any position for kids yet. There are a number of no-brain issues for me right now including her current mental state and the fact that she can't stop smoking... Additionally I am about halfway through a masters program and it would not be fair to anyone (me, her, potential baby) for me to be gone for two nights a week and sitting in my office writing papers on the weekends.

 

We had some discussion prior to getting married about how we would like to raise our family, including her staying home with the kids, however as soon as we got married the constant nagging about the kids started, and it has turned into quite heated arguments "you just dont want kids with me", blah blah blah. She screams at me and makes me feel like everything is my fault, is not happy with anything, wants a new car (hers is perfectly fine), new kitchen (yes could be updated but not the right time financially), etc. Tells me how much her life is horrible. I have never been in her mental state but in my opinion there are people that would give alot and be extremely appreciative for what she has.

 

I'm seriously like * * * look at some of your friends - they are in dead end relationships with idiots who don't have their stuff together, live with their parents, have nothing saved at all, and the list goes on. Our life is not perfect by any means but we are alot better off than many people. Seems like she always wants more and more and when she gets it it doesn't make any difference and its on to something else.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I may have made a mistake getting married but I truly do love her and feel bad about what she is going through. I have never felt that way at all and am trying to understand it. Oh well... Thanks for listening!

[Deciduous]

Hi lookingforadvi,

 

Wow! You've taken quite a battering over the last few months. Sounds like this is side to your wife you haven't seen before. Or perhaps you hoped these issues would clear up once the ceremony took place. That rarely happens. You generally get exactly what you signed up for in the first place.

 

You and your wife have very differing views on what early married life should constitute. She feels it should involve children from the start and be the end of her career. You see it as a time for personal growth and advancing yourselves as a couple

 

I think you need to take the fire out of your arguments and get down to some core and fundamental issues through impartial marital therapy. Are these differing objectives remotely compatible? Can they be compromised upon, in terms of a schedule?

 

Are your different ‘debating’ styles compatible or even acceptable to each of you? She goes for the haranguing and tantrums. You go for avoid, duck and cover. I’m sure you are aware these two styles aren’t a recipe for a happy, united and long marriage.

 

There are various churches who do pre-marital courses for couples to ascertain their expectations of marriage and of each other. You may have put the cart before the horse but no matter. Each person fills in a quiz to find out what they want out of marriage and what they are willing to put in.

 

If the church is not your thing then early therapy is needed at this point to get down to core issues and see if there is any hope of salvaging a marriage that has run into seriously troubled waters so soon.

 

It is far better to put your cards on the table right now and have an open and honest discussion with an impartial advisor. Face them head on. Book your marital therapist and start planning a route through the storm.

 

Perhaps you are avoiding this route because you are worried you won’t like the outcome.

 

Yet it is better to face up to unpalatable truths before children are introduced into the marriage. They cannot save a troubled marriage and many have become disillusioned when they baby doesn’t knit them together but pushes them further apart.

 

I promise you will not regret the decision to sort through your problems now.

 

Something has gone very wrong and very quickly and you both need to start plotting your way to calmer waters, whether it is together or apart.

[abitbroken]

I think as far as the smoking, if you knew she smoked before you met her or you were married, there is not much you can say unless her smoking has gotten obsessive.

 

I think I would try to get to the root of the matter. Does she feel like her clock is ticking? If she does, I can see where she would suddenly be hot to have kids. If she is self aware of what she is doing, that is half the battle. Is she self aware enough to be accountable and catch herself when she is going through those negative thoughts?

[DN]

I have to say that it does seem to me that she married you for all the wrong reasons, many of them material. Basically she seems to want a sperm-donor to provide for her and her children.

[hexaemeron]

Yikes. Bridezilla. She got the ring so now the real lady comes out guns blazing. With the information presented*, this really seems like a bait and switch to me. She said all the right things to get married, and then turned into Linda Blair afterwards with her list of demands.

 

Counseling really seems like a good idea at this junction, but if she digs her heels in, I recommend bouncing at your earliest convenience.

 

*More information could change this admittedly amateur opinion.