No such thing as real love and intimacy. People always hurt you.

[Reflective]

No offense here but.. I can't help this. These thoughts.

 

After being burned when finally putting some amount of trust into someone I get burned. I just don't get it. I've been burned, hurt and made to feel terrible things and I often wonder what is wrong. I finally realize that the problem is that, im naive, and slowly, I'm beginning to find comfort in becomming a frigid person. So frigid that I refuse any relationships. Any attempt at intimacy and trust. It sounds unhealthy but it's painful, always hiding away, not being sure who to trust, and slowly trusting someone to have that personn hurt you.

 

I dont want to feel it. The pain. It really hurts and it happens every single time I put even the littlest trust into someone. Not trying to whine but it is unbearable, going through life not being able to trust. I feel as if no one deserves to see who I am and what I can offer. Not one person. After being burned too Manu tomes I don't want to feel it anymore. I take comfort in knowing that I will become a frigid person when it comes to love. I take comfort in knowing no one will ever experience my vulnerability no one will hurt me anymore.

 

Is what I an about to do detrimental? Please tell me it's normal.. I feel so defeated.

[Iakasot]

Well, let's look at relationships in general. While there's a lot of bad guys out there, overall women get the better end of the deal in dating. Gay relationships (2 men) tend to be very successful and have the lowest break-up rates, because guys are less likely to break up. Percentage of cheating partners is similar among men and women (if i remember correctly the difference is less than 5%). Why do you think guys will always hurt you? And what are your definitions of real love and intimacy?

[Reflective]

Well, let's look at relationships in general. While there's a lot of bad guys out there, overall women get the better end of the deal in dating. Gay relationships (2 men) tend to be very successful and have the lowest break-up rates, because guys are less likely to break up. Percentage of cheating partners is similar among men and women (if i remember correctly the difference is less than 5%). Why do you think guys will always hurt you? And what are your definitions of real love and intimacy?

Because thus far every intimate relationships I've been in even when I slowly open up, something bad happens and im left to believe that no one can be trusted it's best to stick to frigidness, it's better to not form entanglements with others that way I Wont have to experience nor suffer pain, and the realization that I'm possibly just not cut out for it.

 

intimacy should be allowing yourself to be raw and bare emotionally with anothe being, without feeling robbed nor guilty Its mutual. No mistrust dishonesty and maliciousness.

[Stay_home]

Is what I am about to do detrimental? Please tell me it's normal.. I feel so defeated.

 

Taking a hiatus isn't detrimental, but having a bad attitude can be. Try not to do that.

[Iakasot]

Because thus far every intimate relationships I've been in even when I slowly open up, something bad happens and im left to believe that no one can be trusted it's best to stick to frigidness, it's better to not form entanglements with others that way I Wont have to experience nor suffer pain, and the realization that I'm possibly just not cut out for it.

 

intimacy should be allowing yourself to be raw and bare emotionally with anothe being, without feeling robbed nor guilty Its mutual. No mistrust dishonesty and maliciousness.

Guilt is usually from a person's issue with themselves, not with other people. Perhaps you need to look inward as to why you feel guilty or robbed. You should be intimate with someone because you want their body/mind/soul, not to do them a favor, and not because you're "giving" something. Seeing sex as a girl "giving" a guy something is just setting a relationship up to fail. Aren't you already frigid to an extent (I skimmed some of your previous posts quickly to see if it could help me give better advice)? If you're initially frigid, and "warm-up" to a guy, that can cause them to harbor bitterness, because they see your "default" state as being frigid and only being nice to them as doing them a favor. A relationship should be equal, it shouldn't be about somebody doing anybody any favors or feeling like they're sacrificing. Try examining exactly what you're trying to "guard" and why it's so important for you to put up so many walls. Remember, the rest of us are in the same game of dating, and no offense, but guys have the shorter end of the stick. Have you tried dating guys that you wouldn't normally notice? You may just be subconsciously drawn to the same type of men over and over, and dating outside of your natural inclinations may help break the pattern.

 

Having a defeatist attitude certainly doesn't help, because think of it this way: If you're a poor farmer, and you have nothing in your house, guarding it isn't going to do anything, but if you open it up for people to hang out at, people are more likely to BRING stuff in. You have to start seeing opening yourself up as a state where people can bring things in, not just boyfriends, but friends too, and people in general. Everyone has positive and negative traits, and you can't just zoom in on the negatives all the time. Even people who have broken your heart, try seeing the positives of them, it's a good exercise. Even making a list of positives and negatives about YOURSELF can be helpful. The world isn't all black and white, remember that.

[Reflective]

You don't understand.

 

I generally don't think anyone deserves any ounce of nicety, kindness and any redeeming qualifies I have and have to offer. I just refuse to continously set myself to get hurt. Call it defeatist, but I have to protect myself. Sure I am open in some ways, but relationships in general thus far prove futilty. Why should I keep at it when it makes me severely unhappy in the end? It's not worth it. There are things out there in life far more important that silly little momentary entanglements that relate to human beings. I just don't want to put myself in that position abymore. It hurts and I do not want to continue to feed this resentment I have because of consistently being hurt. Why continue to burn yourself when you'll end up damaging skin? Not worth it.

[stuka80]

there's some good people out there. i've been burned before as well and especially after my last breakup for a while i thought i could never give myself to someone like i did to her for fear of getting hurt. But i knew better, deep down even as i was thinking those thoughts and feelings that i knew i can't partly love somebody like that. So as much as i dread getting hurt like i did, i decided that for my future relationships to work, i'd have to give it 100% i cant hold anything back, or keep any secrets.

[Iakasot]

You don't understand.

 

I generally don't think anyone deserves any ounce of nicety, kindness and any redeeming qualifies I have and have to offer. I just refuse to continously set myself to get hurt. Call it defeatist, but I have to protect myself. Sure I am open in some ways, but relationships in general thus far prove futilty. Why should I keep at it when it makes me severely unhappy in the end? It's not worth it. There are things out there in life far more important that silly little momentary entanglements that relate to human beings. I just don't want to put myself in that position abymore. It hurts and I do not want to continue to feed this resentment I have because of consistently being hurt. Why continue to burn yourself when you'll end up damaging skin? Not worth it.

So you're so much better than everyone and no one deserves you, and if they get something from you it's you doing them a favor. Yeah, I say "no thanks" to a relationship with a person like that. You have to think of yourself as the poor farmer to create more healthy relationships.

[MCXFactor]

Yes there are. I'm in one. And it's fully open and honest and communicational.

 

I've been dealt some pretty harsh things. But I've ended up with the love of my life because I didn't give up. Sure there's a certain safety and protection extent that you can take. I still do it with certain people. I know the things to be wise with. But taking it to the extreme like that isn't healthy. You have to start with the issues that got you here in the first place. It doesn't seem like you're dealing with them. You're just gonna completely give up on life. Because you're allowing other experiences with other people to dictate what you're gonna do. You're giving your personal power to them. Why let them beat you down. It's up to you if you're gonna decide to stay down or not. Don't let them have the gratification of it. If you want to. Take a break. But try not to give up on it completely. Some people choose the single life and that's okay. But it also helps to keep all avenues open even if you don't actively participate in them. It's not good to take one extreme to another. Either all positive and now allowing any other emotion. Or something negative and thinking it all has to be that way too. You have to find a balance.

[Reflective]

So you're so much better than everyone and no one deserves you, and if they get something from you it's you doing them a favor. Yeah, I say "no thanks" to a relationship with a person like that. You have to think of yourself as the poor farmer to create more healthy relationships.

Don't put words into my mouth. I just don't want to put myself out there. When did that become "im better than you"?

[lalalollipops]

Life is about learning from your experiences. Don't become bitter or afraid, just be more cautious. I got screwed over really bad, but I'm so positive that in the future, I'll have good experiences and meet good guys who won't do what an ex did. However I'm alot less um, naive now? And I don't accept BS anymore. I'm alot tougher on guys which is a good thing.

[Juha]

Same place as you reflective. Sick of all the bad people and bull * * * * I have gone through. Relationships are a complete waste of time. they are supposed to make you feel good but all they do is make you feel terrible. Better off being alone and frigid towards relationships... I agree 100%

[jaysmaury]

I finally realize that the problem is that, im naive, and slowly, I'm beginning to find comfort in becomming a frigid person. So frigid that I refuse any relationships. Any attempt at intimacy and trust.

 

Worked for me. You'll find the opposite sex to be more attracted to you after doing so also. Have fun.

[Sim54]

You are responsible for your relationships, and if they fail, it's you doing it, not someone else. Take some responsibility for yourself, your life, your behaviour, your feelings. If you want to take a break, then go for it, if you want to feel down for a while, fine, but remember, no-one else is responsible for your life.

 

The person who has hurt you the most in all your relationships is YOU, not your ex's. Once you figure that out, then things will move a little smoother. It sounds to me that you expect too much from your partners and when they leave you feel crushed. I know what that feels like, but in the end, i saw it was ME messing up, not them.