Brain Stew

[peanutbutterandjelly]

ug, i have no where else to complain so i guess I'll complain here. I was supposed to meet one of my new "friends" this afternoon. I texted him at like 2 and he said he wasn't home but would be this afternoon and that he would text me. It's now 6:16 and I havn't heard from him. I don't want to be annoying and send him a text, but seriously, don't say you are going to be around and then disapear. or at least text me back and say you're busy or you're not gonna be around. I guess I'll probably wait a day or two before I text him again. I just can't stand flaky people. This is just a friend and we werent going on a date or anything, but still!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So theres a meetup of the other group that im involved with and I took over for last months meeting, but I'm not sure I want to go. Last month was a disaster, and I dont want to bump into the guy that I met there a couple months ago.... the guy that I "dated" for a month and have been talking about in my previous posts. He hasn't rsvpd and I dont think he will show up, but thats in the back of my mind. Also, it looks like the members who are attending are a bit older... 40s and 50s and there dont seem to be any cute guys on the rsvp list that I havn't met before. I might go cause you never know what will happen. I may end up going at the last minute if i have nothing else to do, but I'm really not feeling this one.

 

The lady I emailed about the meetup i want to get rid of never responded, so im going to assume she isnt interested. I think I'm just going to step down as organizer and see who wants to take over. I thought about emailing some of the other women, but it makes me anxious and I really just dont care all that much.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so I just stepped down from the meetup as organizer. the lady never wrote me back but hopefully someone else will want to take it over. thats a big relief.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

my eye has been twitching on and off for the past 2 weeks. im pretty sure thats usually a sign of stress. i feel like my life is so out of control. i can never get out of my head because I dont know what to do.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it really makes me sad when I see people who were posting here way after my break up saying that they are all healed and giving advice about how they moved on and how all it took was time. I mean, I'm happy for them but I'm sad for myself and probably jealous. I'm mostly over my ex and dont think i would get back together with him, but I still dont know if i will find anyone ever again... its been just about 2 years since the breakup, a year since ive been dating. At this point I've gone on more first, second, sometimes more dates than with more people than I can remember. It's gotta be in the 15-20 range. I have been putting myself out there hoping that I click with someone but it just hasn't happened yet. i think its really starting to get to me. i honestly dont feel like im doing anything wrong, i just havn't found the right person yet... I've had the opportunity to get into relationships but there have always been dealbreakers or red flags. I guess its better to wait than to jump into something and as time goes on I have less and less desire to dive into something head first because I realize most of the time it doesnt work.

 

Anyways, there is a meetup for the other group tonight.... the group that they put me in charge of last month and only 5 people showed up. This time the rsvp list is over 20. I want to go because there are people I havn't seen in a while, but there are really no new young people to meet. i also dont really feel like dealing with a big crowd... when you know most of the people it gets very tiring and nervewrecking, at least for me. I will probably end up going cause i havn't seen one of my friends in 3 months and its good to try to meet people at these things or at least form more bonds that hopefully lead to friendship, but i really dont feel like going...

 

there are two events next week... one is a get together that one of the people i met is holding, and then i am holding an event next sunday. im kinda already not looking forward to it, but obviously i have to go.

 

anyways, after saying all that i will probably end up going and just say that im not feeling so well, if anyone asks why im not my usual self. I havn't been feeling the greatest, but i dont know if im getting sick or if it's depression setting in or something like that. i just dont feel well mentally or physically. i know i have to keep pushing forward and push through it and things will get better, but I am really having a hard time in my life right now.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so yeah... probably not going because the guy that assaulted me is going... apparently our mutual friends invited him. not good. part of me wants to go even more than i did before. now this guy has entered my meetup territory, i feel like i need to go and defend it. im worried that he will start going to all the events i go to... yeah, i feel like this is really bad. now this guys knows about my meetup groups and im mad about it at the moment. i feel like my life is continuing to shatter

[sophie274]

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend (3.5 years) 2 and a half years ago, April of 2009. I dated someone for two months June-August 2009 while I was accross the country for an internship, but that ended when I went back to college for my last year as I realized I was not at all over my ex. It took me until the end of the summer of 2010 to feel over my ex, and although I now feel completely 100% over him and thankful that we broke up, and realize how many things were wrong about the relationship (and the way he treated me), I am still 100% single. I've been on two first dates since my rebound relationship ended, and one second date. No one has caught my eye aside from those two men, and apparently I didn't really catch their eye!

 

Honestly, what helped me the most both with moving on, and now with feeling ok that I'm single, not too lonely, and still feeling hopeful/optimistic that I'll meet someone great when the time is right, is the cliche "working on myself", and not putting my life on hold because I'm single. For example, I've always wanted to travel with a boyfriend, and was sad that my ex wouldn't travel with me. I decided not to wait to have a travel companion of the boyfriend variety, and have been on several amazing trips, alone (and had a great time), since my ex and I broke up.

 

Some people say that you haven't moved on if you haven't found someone new, but I feel like I've proven to myself that I've had. I started a "career", and just now moved accross the country to a beautiful place for a good job in my field. I've started some new hobbies and tried to keep up with old ones.It helps to feel like I am becoming a more interesting, complex, mature person, and that that will help me when I meet the right guy.

 

As I said on the other thread, I think you need to expand your world a little bit. I think it will give you a huge self-esteem boost to have a job (even if it's not particularly interesting or stimulating) and have more independence from your parents and your friends. I know it's REALLY hard to find the courage and motivation to do something like that when you are feeling down and depressed. I've been dealing with depression for the past several years, and there have been times where I literally did not leave my room (except for the bathroom and to collect take-out) for weeks on end. I hope there's a way for you to take baby steps and gear up to lead a more independent life. I really do think that in spite of all you do around the house for your parents, you need to also get out of the house and into "the world". It can be stimulating, and will also help you to meet more people. Not to mention, having your own income is AWESOME. Really truly. I cannot tell you how much I love getting a paycheck, even when it's not much. That money is all yours and you can do whatever you want with it without anyone telling you otherwise, and that is truly a fantastic thing. Same with having your own car (which I think would be a great goal for you to work towards). I just got my first car about a month ago, and although I am a nervous driver and definitely not someone who loves being on the road, I LOVE the independence it gives me. If I want some freaking fries at 1 AM, I can go get them. If I want to drive to the beach at night to smell the ocean air and hear the waves, same thing. The paycheck and the car have really made me feel very independent and empowered, and I moved away from home for boarding school and then college at 16. Being completely financially and "geographically" independent is a whole new deal, and I think it's really amazing.

 

 

 

Have you sorted out the insurance papers and gotten an appointment with a therapist?

I think that should be what you put whatever time and energy you have into. It can be hard to take that first step, but I honestly believe it will help you. I would make that a top priority, above the meetups (and I think it's admirable that you are pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone to meet people). If you are able to:

1. therapist

2. allow yourself to feel down - ie don't beat yourself up about the way you feel, and take time to recognize those feelings. It's ok to feel sad and depressed, but ideally you want to try and take healthy actions even while you are feeling sad.

3. exercise (even just walking) every day, a consistent sleep schedule of 8 hours a night and healthy-ish (at the very least) food

4. looking for a job, perhaps you can start with part-time, or gathering ideas about possible jobs/fields

5. meetups

 

Oh, and I really don't mean to lecture. I feel like I really understand where you are coming from with your break-up and depression, and I truly honestly sympathize. For all my advice about therapy and sleep and exercise and healthy eating, I let ALL of those things go, in a MAJOR way, when a big episode of depression kicks in. Even on good days, I probably fail more than succeed. It's really tough, and I don't always feel like getting up and trying again. I guess we have to try to believe that things will get better and it will be worth it, but it's definitely hard to believe that sometimes.

 

Hugs. Please try to see a therapist. Whenever I've managed to drag myself to one it honestly HAS helped.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

hi sophie, thanks for your post on my thread, I appreciate all the thought you put into writing me...

 

I havn't gotten all the insurance stuff worked out yet. I called the insurance company and they forgot to send me my card so it should be coming in a few weeks. They told me I could make an appt with my doctor and just have them send them the bill, but I havn't gotten a list of people that take my insurance yet. Apparently my insurance doesnt cover "therapists", so its been hard to find people who accept my insurance. I have found a few females but i would prefer a male to talk to, so I guess that's been my hesitation so far. I have been to 5 female counselors and 2 men and only ever "clicked" with the men where I felt comfortable opening up.

 

I agree that going to therapy should be my first step, and then hopefully getting a job should be my next. I havn't been putting much effort into my job search. I think it is probably because I've been feeling depressed. I will look for jobs pretty regularly and find a couple that I think i might like, but my depression and anxiety over working stops me. All I can think about is how horrible all of my past job experience have been, how everytime I interview, I end up feeling like crap and how things will only get worse once I get a job. this is all based on past experience and maybe i just need to find the right job, but the anxiety is just so over the top that i completely shut down when I think about having to go back to work.

 

Also, my insurance will drop me if I get a job, so I have to find a full time job with benefits. I can't just get a part time job and ease my way back into the working field. Its all or nothing and if things dont work out with the job, then im screwed.

 

i've had an income before. I dont know what to say other than money has never been a motivation for me. Sure, I'd like to do some thing that require money, but it really doesnt bother me. I'd like to move out eventually, but I really dont see that happening for a while. I dont want to move out unless I know I can hold a job and I've never been able to do that before, so im skeptical. Maybe the depression has something to do with that, but I've never cared about money. Having my own paycheck doesnt give me any motivation.

 

I've done a lot of stuff since my ex broke up with me. I started driving again after 5 years about a year and a half ago, have been on 3 vacations by myself, took up and instrument and some new hobbies. None of that really seems to matter. I dont like doing things by myself. I can't get over being lonely. I spend most of my free time trying to make friends and do these meetups because it is one of the only things I feel good about. I eat well, better than any of my friends. I have lost a lot of my extra weight and feel healthier than I have been in the last 6 years physically.

 

i am going to continue looking for a dr or someone that can help me, thats the first thing on the list. i feel like I wont be able to work for at least 3-6 months after that and maybe with a lot of good therapy i will somehow get over my job anxiety. i dont really know what to do other than that.

[sophie274]

What do you mean it doesn't cover "therapists"? They don't cover any sort of psychological counseling? In that case, will they pay when you submit the bills to them? Sorry, bit confused ...

 

Is there a website you can log onto for the insurance? My old insurance had that, and you could search for doctors that took them. You could actually call one of the female therapists and ask her if she can recommend a male colleague - I've found therapists are generally willing to do that because they know there is a "chemistry" component. My best therapist ever was a man (as was the worst I ever went to).

 

I understand the job anxiety. Well, not the job anxiety per se, but that feeling you get that you know how it is going to end (badly), and that you are powerless to stop the depression-anxiety cycle. I have that too. It really sucks. It's very hard to be optimistic when all your past experiences indicate that this time too will be a failure. Hopefully the therapy will help with that.

 

Starbucks offers health insurance even to part-time employees. I know you said you didn't want to do retail, but I've always thought it would be kind of fun to work at Starbucks. I imagine some other companies do as well, try a google search. If you worked part time perhaps you'd have enough down time and therapy time etc that you wouldn't feel overwhelmed by the stress of working.

 

I think even if you're not ready to find a job yet it would be good for you to take up a scheduled activity where you have to leave the house. Like, committing to volunteer at X place from 9-12 MWF. It gets you out of the house and out of your current routine, into a new routine, and would get you used to getting up and going somewhere/doing something even if you're not in the mood. That's one of the things that's really helped ME since I've started working - that I HAVE to go, whether I want to or not. I can't take days off from the job unless I am quite sick, so there's really no option but going. Some days I HATE that I can't call in sick or take a day off, some days I truly feel like I can't, but I think it's been a real blessing that I HAVE to go. If I didn't have this job I might have stayed in bed for weeks on end. It was much healthier that I got out and had some interaction, but only the fear of getting fired and having to move back in with my parents (something I really don't want to do) could get me to crawl out of bed. (And sometimes I very almost didn't). So I think having an obligation could be good for you, and you can start very small for now.

 

That's awesome that you've started all those hobbies and have lost weight - didn't know that and congrats. If the meetups are really helping and especially if they are the one thing that makes you feel better, then of course you should continue doing them.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

in the info i got it says, "Please note that services offered by a licensed masters level independent practitioner (LCSW, LMFT, LPC, LADC) will not be reimbursable". I dont exactly know what what that means and I should probably call them up and figure it out, but I have so much anxiety about just making phone calls now. I found a few therapists that supposedly take my insurance, but no one really jumped out at me as someone as I would want to see. There were 4 women and 1 old man who had bad reviews, so I dont know what to do. I guess I am going to have to call my insurance company and figure out who i can go to, if there is a list of people or something.

 

I dont think I could work at starbucks, honestly the idea of that sounds horrible to me. If I could find a part time job that has health insurance, that would probably be work, if I could actually keept the job.

 

Ive thought about volunteering, everyone I talk to seems to think its a good idea... I just dont know where I would want to volunteer. I'm afraid of making a commitment to some place and then just abandoning it.

 

I feel like I'm too depressed to do anything most of the time unless I am in charge of a meetup and I feel obligated to go or I will go to my friends house. I have been going out a lot less often than I did in the past year since the last month or so. I just dont want to leave my house or do anything lately.

[sophie274]

Would your mom be willing to call for you and ask (or your dad, or a good friend)? When I was at my lowest point, it was impossible for me to call a therapist and make an appointment. Various people close to me did it at different times, and then physically walked me to the doctor's office. If those close to you are willing to help, please accept it. And if not, you could practice the phone call and writing down what you are going to say if that lessens your anxiety.

 

I think that feeling of "obligation" you feel about the meetups is good since it forces you to get out of the house. If you can make yourself feel that same sense of obligation to a volunteer organization then perhaps you'd have more resolve not to "let them down". But yes, all this stuff is very hard, and everything seems like a mountain to climb when you are feeling very depressed and even leaving the house seems like a burden. I hope you can get yourself to some sort of psychological counseling. Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist and thinking about medication? Some psychiatrists do meds and talk therapy (and are not masters-level practitioners, so they should be covered by your insurance). Maybe try going that route if you're having trouble finding a "therapist".

[peanutbutterandjelly]

im really upset. apparently like 6 of my friends went out and had a really awesome day today and no one invited me. they went to go hang out with some of our other friends in another part of the state. i feel so horrible right now. i dont know why they wouldnt invite me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

no, my mom wont call, my dad definitely wont call and I dont have any friends that would call for me either. I'm just going to have to do it. I woke up today feeling like crap and not ready to make phone calls so unfortunately that didnt happen.

 

I've been on and off medication for depression and anxiety since I was about 14... it does help me slightly, but overall it really doesnt solve any problems, just makes me feel like i dont care about anything. like my emotions go away. my mom has never liked the idea of me being on pills, when i was on them, she told me not to leave them on my nightstand because she didnt want to see them. I would really rather not be on medication, ive been on like 8-10 different kinds and while they do help slightly, theyre not a solution. i think i need some serious therapy. I think I need CBT because I've been in regular talk therapy on and off again since I was 14 and I only found that it helps a little... its someone to talk to, but your problems are still there. I need someone to talk to, so thats better than nothing, but id like to try something new.

 

i know i just need to get over my anxiety about calling these doctors. I think if my insurance was more clear, i wouldnt have this problem, but i have no idea who i can see, who i cant see and it's just stressing me out.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so i got up the nerve and callled... and apparently i can only go to outpatient clinics or hospitals, i cant see an actual therapist. i dont really know what this means, if this is a good or a bad thing... i guess i have to call the local hospital... i dont even know

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I got an email yesterday about a position that I applied for in JUNE. Apparently they decided not hire someone back then but are going through previous applicants resumes and contacting qualified candidates and having inteviews in the next couple of weeks. She asked me when I could come in so I'm guessing I pretty much have an interview? The job is 45 minutes away and only 20 hours a week, but there are benefits. It is at an admissions office at a private college. Anyways, I'm hoping she gets back to me and this works out... there was also a job in my town that I would love to do, but I dont think I'm qualified enough. I might send them my resume just on a whim, but I need to write a totally new cover letter, so i probably wont have time to send it in until tomorrow.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it's 4:30am and I just rewrote a cover letter and sent in a resume to a job that was posted at 11pm and looked really interesting... it was on craiglist, so i wanted to get mine in before everyone else saw it this morning... im anxious to see if any of these things pan out...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i havn't written here in a week. i applied to two ads on craigslist and one ended up emailing me back for an interview. i probably would have at least gone for an interview, but I was really sick. I still have a really scratchy throat. there is a job that i am thinking of applying to but, i feel like i really need to see a therapist first. i still feel like my life is spinning out of control but its kinda been put on hold because ive been sick. i probably could have done a lot more during the week than i did... like call behavior health center but I havnt' gotten the guts to do it yet... i think i will probably stay home most of the weekend cause theres nothing really going on other than hanging out at friends houses. I did have an awesome time last weekend though, i hung out fri, sat and sun with new friends and old friends. My meetup was kinda lame but whatever, it was fine for what it was. So I guess I can take a break cause I dont know of anything that I cant miss this weekend. i need to make getting to a therapist my priority though. and then getting a job. i dont know what im going to do thats at all productive this weekend though.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it's been a couple weeks sincee I've written in here.... I've mostly been trying to just lay low with meeting new people for now, so I havn't organized any meetups. I have spent a little more time with my new friends and went to a party, but didnt really meet anyone new, but thats okay.

 

there was a meetup that I was going to go to last night, but i saw that the guy that I briefly dated for a month was going to be there so i decided not to. I probably just should have gone, but I was worried about talking to him. the thing that is really confusing/annoying is that he is really good friends with the group organizer... and I'm sure she has heard all sorts of horrible things about me. When I told him i didnt want to see him anymore, he got really upset and wouldnt stop asking me why... there were a ton of reasons, but at the advice of most people, I just ignored him. I still feel kinda bad about that looking back, and guilty, because he was a really nice guy, just not the guy for me.

 

i know i shouldnt let something like that stop me from attending events, but I just didnt want to put myself in an uncomfortable position... maybe i will go back to that meetup next month, or the month after... but im not sure. I feel kinda crappy about it all because this is one of the best ways to meet new people in the area, and i met quite a few of the people who I am now pretty good friends with at this meetup... so i guess i just need to suck it up for next time and go...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i just realized that I'm now a gold member on ena! it makes me feel good that I've been able to offer helpful advice over the past couple of years even though it's been a rough ride.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

ive been feeling really bad about the way i ended things with that guy... he was a nice guy, just not the right guy for me and I freaked out and paniced because things were just happening too soon. He wanted to date casually and i was okay with that, but I didnt want to lead him on when I knew that we wouldnt be compatible long term. i was mostly protecting myself because i didnt want to fall too deeply for someone when I knew that i didnt want to have him as a boyfriend. I didnt want either of us to get hurt or get too attached. I wrote to him a few days before the meetup just to see how he was doing... i was thinking about going and thought it would be better if i talked to him beforehand, but he never wrote me back. I wish I never did anything sexual with him and we were just friends.... i was physically attracted to him though, and I hadn't had someone in my life in such a long time that we just moved too quickly. I wish i didnt ruin the friendship, because i think about him pretty often and would like to have him in my life as a friend... but I dont want to push if thats not what he wants.

 

When I stopped seeing him, I just stopped talking to him altogether at the advice of everyone here. i feel like i didnt handle it the right way though and I'm wondering if I should write him again and apologize... i mean, i did tell him that i didnt want to get too attached and i didnt think we could see each other anymore, but he had a lot of questions that I just ignored. he wanted to know WHY and I really couldnt tell him all the reasons why i didnt want to be with him romatically and only wanted friendship...

 

what makes things really hard is that he is now becoming friends with some of the people in my social group... he added some of my frieds on facebook after the meetup.. he's very shy and doesnt really hang out with friends much so i doubt ill be seeing him out and about other than the meetups, but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.. i feel like the bad guy.

 

i havn't been with anyone since him, i think ive learned my lesson.... but i still feel horrible.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

went onto facebook and saw even more of my friends becoming friends with this guy.... i dont really know what emotion I'm going through... i dont know if its jealousy because he's talking to my friends and not me or what. I feel so horrible for the way I ended things with him and I just want to see him again. I dont want to be in any type of relationship with him, but i really do miss him. i dont know if its just my loneliness coming out or what, but he was like the only guy I clicked with since my breakup and just feel horrible for disapearing on him. I told him that i didnt want any sort of romantic relationship so its not like i disapeared out of the blue, but I stopped responding to his messages when he kept asking me why. I feel like I should write him an apology, but i dont know how he will take it. i dont want to lead him on, but i feel like i need to explain myself better. i feel like he's probably said bad things to the people in the meetup about me and also will probably say stuff to my friends... i think i really hurt him. *sigh* I want to apologize, but I dont know how, or what to say. I kind of want to ask my friends if he's said anything about me, but I dont know if I should...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i said hey on fb chat and he logged off. i probably shouldnt have done that. ug...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i should probably leave him alone, obviously he doesnt want to talk to me. I was going to send him a fb message and apologize, but that's probably not a good idea... i need to leave him be. i think ill probably let one of my friends know whats up and see if he's said anything to any of them about me... i just wanna know. i would just be so upset if my name was going around as the "bad guy", but i also feel bad for hurting him, so i dont know what to do. im really upset right now and I know its best not to do anything you might regret when you arent in the right state of mind... maybe i should just leave him alone for a week or two and then send him an apology. i kinda wish i just had gone to the meetup so i could make ammends.

 

i feel stupid for posting so much about this, but i dont really have anywhere else to say it. and i guess it's better than trying to contact him. i think i just have a really guilty conscience and now im lonely and jealous that my friends are friends with this guy.

 

i feel like I try to do things "by the books" too often when dating. there were a couple of red flags and i know i didnt want a relationship with him, so I told him that i didnt want to see him anymore and then ignored him because thats what everyone told me to do. i told him i wanted to be friends, but then wasn't in contact for a month and a half.

 

i dont really know if NC is a good idea anymore... i think thats probably what made it easier for my ex to start a brand new life with a new girl, and I think NC is probably the reason that this guy wont talk to me now. I try to "do it by the books" and follow all the advice i get here, but maybe thats not the way to handle things. im dealing with peoples emotions here and I would have felt really bad if he had done the same thing to me. Isn't it better to talk it out, than to ignore someone? Everyone on here just kept telling me that this guy was a loser... but they only read what I posted, which of course was the negative stuff. thats my fault i guess. i just remember ending things so quickly after a bunch of people on here told me that was the best thing to do, and I regret the way I handled it. i remember that i kept thinking that i didnt know if i was doing the right thing, and I dont think I did. im not regretting my decision breaking thigns off with him, just the way i did it. i feel so guilty. i try so hard not to hurt people and I still end up doing it.

 

maybe i am just lonely and feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. maybe i am putting the loneliness i have from my ex onto this other guy because he has been the only person i felt a spark with in the past 2 years since my ex left me. I dont know. i feel like an idiot being so upset over this, and Im sure theres a lot more to it... and it probably has to do with the me still being not completely healed from my breakup.

 

i feel so damn lonely and left out lately. I see my friends making new friends and I get jealous because I dont seem to connect or make friends that easily. maybe thats what this is about too. i dont know.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i think too much.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

went to an awesome halloween party this weekend and met some really cool people... only problem it was in another state 2.5 hours away.

 

i hate having crushes on people that im not compatible with. One of the guys that I have a crush on threw the party and he likes me too, but he's not looking for the same thing I'm looking for. The other guy is in more core group of friends, but once again, were not compatible and I dont think he's even attracted to me. I just wish I could find a guy who likes me and who wants a relationship. there was a really nice guy at the party that i clicked with, but of course he was taken. I'm gonna try not to crush on guys that wouldnt be a good match, but it's hard to push those kinds of feelings aside. i know that in the end, since were not compatible its better to just be friends and not even take it to another level, but i cant help the attraction i feel. it sucks because i think my friend and I would make a really good couple other than for this one major thing....meh. i just really want the right guy to come into my life soon. I feel like I'm doing all the right things as far as meeting people locally, but I guess its just gonna take more time.

 

going to another party next week, but again its 2 hours away. maybe ill meet someone there though.. who knows..