Brain Stew

[imsuperman]

I'm sorry about you and your mom. It's really tough getting a job right now, and it's often difficult for older people to understand that fact.

 

I can't imagine how difficult everything must be, but don't feel like you're alone.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

It has been much more relaxed at home today. I was on edge yesterday which made me very emotional and I think that's part of the reason we had such a bad argument.

 

I did a couple of things I needed to do today, but put off a bunch of things. I think gonna go out to the bank and grocery store now even though I really don't want to.

 

I'm kinda upset that they closed my thread in the violence and abuse section. I felt more comfortable posting the details and my feelings in that thread than I do here even if there were some disagreements going on. I really don't want to use this journal for that. I wanted to keep it in that thread

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So I'm thinking about going to a party/bar thing on sunday. It's like an hour and a half away and I know some people that are going to be there, but there will also be a chance to meet new people. It sounds really fun. I don't want to drive myself though. I figure if I can find someone to carpool with, I will go. Otherwise I'll just stay home.

 

The guy with the girlfriend has been messaging me, stricly as friends, he's made that pretty clear, but he is very intelligent and interesting to talk to. His "gf" is now pregnant with someone elses baby (I dont know if the father is even involved) which seems completely fd up and sad that he is still holding on to her and she is stringing him along, but the dynamic of their relationship seems very complicated so I dont know whats up.

 

The other guy from the meetup only contacted me to thank me for hosting, but hasn't since then. He's been making a lot of depressing status messages lately and changed his profile pic to a pic of the word "loser". It's really pathetic and I would have gone out on a couple of dates with him if he had asked, he seemed prettty cool, but that is such a turn off!

 

My friend/guy I was kinda dating who went away for a week, came home and texted me asking me if I was alright cause I hadn't heard from him in a week. I'm not sure what to write back because I dont really want to deal with talk about "the relationship" but I still want to be his friend. I have to figure out what to say to him.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

im frustrated with all the deleting that has been going on in my other thread. I respect that the mods dont want anyone fighting, but I felt like that thread was THE ONLY place where I could get my thoughts and feelings out about whats been going on and the posts just get deleted before I even have time to read or respond to them. I've kinda been using ENA as my therapy through all this because I dont feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I trust you guys, even though I dont know you and it has really been helping. I havn't told anyone about it other than the people on ENA and that thread was kinda my security blanket for everything I went through. Now it's turned into a broken conversation of deleted posts that I can't read/understand. it's just frustrating.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

the guy who i was kinda "dating" wrote me back and told me he didnt contact me for a week, because i didnt reply to his last text message. The last text message he sent was in the middle of the night and was more of a statement than anything. If I really wanted to talk to someone, I wouldn't not contact them again because they didnt return a text that was sent in the middle of the night. I think he's passive aggressive. It also seems like he's playing games. He's a nice, funny guy but I know I definitely don't want anything more than friendship with him, I don't know if I even want that. I'm not really good at ending things though. I don't know how to go about it or what to say.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I found a couple of people who have been willing to give me a ride tomorrow and some of our friends are even going out beforehand. Now friends is a loose term here, I know one of the people pretty well id say and the rest ive met a couple of times for a few hours. Now we have started carpooling. It's an event type of thing, and it sounds lke a lot of fun. I'm definitely not gonna get drunk. Part of me feels like I should take it easy for a while with all these people that I'm meeting, but I think it will be a lot of fun and I will feel bad if I miss it, so I'm going. I have no fears about going, but its just kinda far away and its gonna be an all afternoon, all night thing away from home. Part of me kinda just wants to stay curled up in my bed but I know this event will be a ton of fun so ive decided just to go.

[imsuperman]

It's good to get out a little I'll bet.

 

I'd say just let that guy know you're not interested in a relationship right now. He's being distant anyway.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

We had already had the "talk" a couple weeks back and both decided that we didnt want to be exclusive and just wanted to date casually... but now I dont even want to date casually. We've been messaging back and forth a bit, but I havn't really been saying much.. just idle chit chat. I think I will wait to see if he asks me out again before I say anything.

 

I feel like I'm not as excited about tomorrow as I normally would be. I havn't really given much thought to what I'm wearing or bringing or other things like that. It's a themed party so you have to dress up to get in. I usually get more excited about getting ready and picking out an outfit for something like this. I think I'll have a lot of fun once I get there though. Preparing for it seems more like a chore than anything right now though. Also, some of my friends want to do something before the party in the afternoon, and I'm really not sure if I'm up to that as well.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

of course as i was writing that I got the "we should get together sometime" message.

[imsuperman]

Ah. A true professional.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I asked him how his trip was and he told me that he'd much rather tell me in person and said we should get together sometime soon. I just really don't want to deal with him at this point, but I dont want to be mean or insensitive either. We did hang out quite a bit for a month. I'm not really sure what to say to him.

[imsuperman]

Since you're just dating casually I'd just let him know you wanted a break from that for now. If you want to stay in touch you can always call and text.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i havent said anything yet. I know he knows that I am going to this big party, so he'll probably assume I met someone there. Oh well, I guess. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I dont think that can be avoided.

 

I'm kinda nervous about tonight. Not in a bad way, just because I know there's going to be a lot of people and I'm going to have to socialize a lot! I know a bunch of the people who are going, they are mostly aquaintences though. This is a really great way for me to meet people and I am excited too. I know it's gonna be a blast, I just want to get there! I have a couple of hours before I leave, I'm more worried about finding my friends house so we can carpool cause it's in a city that I dont know well and have never driven there before.

 

The cool thing is I get to get all dressed up... and my outfit is really cute! Last time I wore something similar in a different color, I got tons of compliments so I'm excited to see how people will react to it tonight.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so the party was a ton of fun! i spent more time socializing with people that I already knew than meeting new people but I think it went great overall. I had a couple of people want to be my friend on facebook, posting on my wall about the party, which im totally not used to lol. It's been cool though. The only messed up part is I still havn't told that guy anything. I want it to be short and sweet, but I havn't figured out what to say exactly. He is probably freaking out cause I've been online but havn't responded to his message from the other day. Anyways, I really need to just do it. Also, I really need to ask one of the girls from the meetup group if theyd like to have it. I feel kinda sad giving it up, but I know it's for the best right now. I think I'm kinda embarrassed that I took on more than I could chew.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i still havn't sent out either of those messages. i have a feeling my first message to that guy breaking it off is gonna lead to a whole slew of messages but we'll see... i still dont know exactly how to phrase it. i havn't sent the other message about the meetup group cause im just embarrassed about the whole thing. There is another meetup tonight for that group, that i did not start and rsvpd as a "no" to. I'm sure there will be talk about me not showing up again. I'll probably wait to send that email either later tonight after the meetup or tomorrow. I have to write to this guy first...

 

I had horrible dreams of my ex last night. He had babies with his new girlfriend and I saw him and found out. Basically my worst nightmare.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

finally sent him a message. not sure if i should have waited til later tonight to send it while he was sleeping so he's not upset all day, but I just wanted to get it over with. I said it as bluntly and nicely as possible i think. I hope i dont hurt him though and I hope it doesnt make him too upset.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

he wrote me back within like 2 minutes and asked me if i cared to elaborate...

[DrKitten]

You told him you didn't want to date anymore? No need to elaborate more than that.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i wrote him back and told him that i thought things moved too fast before i realized we were compatible. he wrote be back very quickly and told me he was really hurt and angry and said he didnt get my motivation.

 

i think he thinks i did it on purpose or decided to see someone else because I have been adding quite a few new friends to my facebook. He wants more details and I feel bad that my feelings have changed, i definitely didnt mean to lead him on. My ex really didnt give me any details when he broke up with me and I'm still upset over it, but that was a 3.5 year relationship, not 1 month of casually dating. I feel bad because this guy really doesnt seem to have much luck with the ladies, and we did make a connection.... just not a romantic one.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

ok, no sex unless i am in a committed relationship with someone that I see long term compatibility with, right? Do I have to stop making out with people too? Theres no one in the picture at all right now, so I am just going to try to be content with being single. I'm still gonna continue to try to meet people when I can though and go to events and meetups and stuff. i think i still should be proactive, but not be so focused on getting a date.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so my area got majorly flooded today, it hasn't been this bad in years. There was even more flooding than when the hurricane came through and it's supposed to rain again tonight. In some places they were getting a foot an hour. thats crazy. luckily there was just a little water in the basement of my garage. ive been in a flood before while on vacation and it sucks.

 

anyways, that guy wrote be back today and was like, "we talked about how we didnt want to get into a serious relationship anyway..." after yesterday he said he was sad and angry and felt sick. so i dont feel as bad. I dont like breaking things off with people.... even if we were only casually dating for a month. i get waaaay too emotional waaaay to quickly.

 

I found a job that I wanted to apply to. I really wanted to wait until I was in therapy before I went deep into job searching again, but I think I will apply to a few jobs here or there. Job interviews freak me out more than anything though and they give me so much anxiety, that I hate applying for jobs. I think I will be fine once I am working, but I just don't come off well during first meetings. I do a good job getting interviews, but fail at the interview part. It makes it harder and harder to keep applying to places for me, but I know that I have to do it.

 

For anyone wondering about the meetup the other night, it was a total bust apparently. They were doing it at a new resturaunt that just opened which was stupid and there was like a 90 minute wait. the last time I looked, 1 person gave it a 3 star rating. I still havn't written one of the other members yet to see if she wants to be in charge of the group... I should do that tonight. I like to put things off that make me uncomfortable.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i was pretty productive, I decided to make a new version of my resume which I havn't updated since May. I don't know if my resume is misleading, because i think i look good on paper, but I dont have a lot of real life experience. I also tend to freeze up in interviews and studder. I studder a lot when I meet new people or I'm nervous. I feel like I come off as either a witch or stupid. I kinda got distracted while doing it, and wrote a few emails that I've been meaning to send to aquaintences. It's hard keeping up with meeting lots of people. I feel like I always have an email or message to send to someone somewhere and don't always have the energy to sit down and write them. I'm a really slow writer. I still havn't written to that other girl about the meetup group but I had time to work on my resume, write 2 emails and write this.

[imsuperman]

I just started corporate interviews this calendar year, and they're difficult at first. My first one sucked. I was super-nervous and just happened to have a terrible week that week.

 

They get easier the more you do them though. Just gotta do your homework and practice.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

yeah, I always make sure I find out as much as possible about the company before I go into the interview. I've looked at lists of common interview questions, but I should probably come up with really good answers and practice them as much as possible. At my last interview, the lady basically told me to calm down because I looked extremely nervous, which of course just made me feel worse. I need to try to figure out how to go to these interviews, present myself well and not care about what the people think of of me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

so i sent an email to the women that i thought would like to run the meetup last night around 10pm. I havn't heard from her, so I don't know if she's still thinking about it or what. I am going to wait a couple of days and then ask someone else if theyd like the run it instead. After that, I'll probably just leave the position open and let who ever wants it to have it. It kinda sucks that I paid all this money for this group, but at least I have the other one which I have made friends through and have enjoyed running most of the time.