Brain Stew

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I havn't kept a journal in years, but I think it's a good idea to start one again. I have no idea how often I will write in it, but I want it to be here when I need it. I'm not sure where it will end up but I have a feeling a lot of it will chronicle my dating and social life since that's a hot topic in my life right now. I'm always looking for thoughts and advice so feel free to follow along.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I have been really trying hard to get out and meet new people lately since most of my friends live far away and I havn't met quality people through them so far. I had attended a few meetups in the past, but most were far away and it was just really not worth attending them. A couple of months ago, one popped up in my area and I went to a few. I enjoyed myself for the most part, but a lot of the people were older and felt like my town really needed more ways for people to connect in the area. I started my own meetup group, I've held one event so far and it was okay. Not a huge turnout and I didnt meet anyone new but at least I got out there. There are a few more meetups planned in the next couple of weeks between the two groups that I'm involved with so I'm hoping they are successful.

 

I'm a little nervous, because the next one is this saturday and it's not even for my group. The owner cannot make the meetup for some reason and asked me if I would host it. I feel a little nervous because it is a much larger group than the one I have, but I have been there a few times so I think I can handle it. Not too many people have rsvp'd so far and there are a bunch of new faces, but I hope some of the people I already know show up as well.

 

So I have that meetup for this saturday and am hosting my own on the 25th as well as the 30th. There is also one scheduled for the 23rd, but I'm not sure if I'm going to it yet. All of these meetups are at resturaunts and I just dont have the money to go out constantly. I'm really not used to being in charge in these types of situations and feel a bit out of my comfort zone, but overall I think it is a good thing and I have be doing well so far. The only real problem is that the meetup i started was supposed to be a 20-30s social group for men and women, and the only members who have showed up so far have been older women. I mostly joined and created my own meetup to hopefully find some men my age, but it doesn't seem like there is that much interest in my area for these types of things. We'll see what happens I guess.

[OptomisticGirl]

M&H, your still here!!!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

M&H, your still here!!!

 

Yup, I always seem to wander back here every couple of months. Usually not under the best circumstances but I feel lucky to have a place like this to come to for advice when I need it.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'm really tired of "my friends" using me and walking all over me. To make a long story short, I went out of my way to make sure that my friends and I had an awesome trip to the casino. I bought about $25 worth of food/snacks because I knew we would be hungry on the car ride there and after. That was just a nice gesture and I didnt really mind that people ate it cause that was the point. Everyone was supposed to also provide their own drinks, so I also bought about $40 of booze that I figured that I would drink and share. I was under the impression that other people were also bringning stuff to share, but I ended up being the only one and they just took advantage of the fact and just drank it all.

 

Even after all that, my friend still asked me for gas money. She asked for $5 and I only had a $10 and she didnt give me back the change, but i didnt want to make a deal over 5 bucks. I had met the people that we went to but they were just mostly friends of my best friend. They were all guys, and I really kinda expected one of them to get me a drink while we were there, but no one did. I just kind of expected that they would want to show their appreciation after drinking all my booze, but they just took advantage of me. I dont know if there was a miscommunication, but no one else came prepared and just used me. I feel like a total doormat, when I was just trying to make sure we had a nice night. Instead it was like, "oh this girl brought all this stuff and we don't have any so lets just take advantage of that. I didn't say anything, so I think they just followed in each others footsteps and figured I had just brought it to give away. I didn't have the guts to say anything or straight up ask for money, so I guess it's partially my fault.

 

I thought once we got there they would pay me back one way or the other since they were spending hundreds of dollars gambling but they couldnt even slip me a few bucks or buy me a drink. I even asked the group at one point if someone would mind getting me a drink because I had run out of money, (I gambled the 20 bucks I didnt spend on drinks and food before our trip ) and they all made excuses, even though I know a few of them had several hundred dollars.

 

I just feel really used and think I need to find new friends.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think you do too M&H. I can understand though. I'm a very out there person but when put in a situation like that, I tend to be people pleaser and won't speak up. LIke when our wedding photographer was giving me the run around on my bridal prints, I didn't want to confront him. My fiance had no problem doing so. Next time I would def bring enough stuff for only you (both food and drink) and not share. It's mean but they took advantage of your nice nature.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Yeah, it's so hard to speak up in those situations. One person seems to be okay with taking advantage of the situation and then the others follow. It was like once I gave someone a drink without saying anything, every one else just seemed to think it was okay and follow. No one even seemed appreciative. They just kept asking if there was more and my friend just kept telling me to mix drinks for people. I just wanted everyone to have a fun time and didn't realize that no one would pay me back or anything. The saddest part was 3 of them came to the store with me and watched me get stuff and didnt get anything themselves. I thought everyone had gotten what they needed already since I was coming out of town about an hour further from them all. If I had known I was going to be supplying everyone with everything, I would have made sure I bought less stuff. Now I just feel completely used and wasted a ton of money that I don't really have. Lesson learned hopefully.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, it's def hard to do something in the situation if you aren't a very confrontational person. I would def have my guard up around those 'friends' from now on.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I doubt I will be seeing much of these people in the future anyways. My best friend is moving down south in a couple of months and I can't really see myself just hanging out with them without her and that's probably for the better. I just still feel like an idiot. I didn't realize how much of a doormat I was being until the night was said and done.

 

So tomorrow I'm hosting a meetup because the 2 women who usually host it aren't going to be in town. I'm pretty nervous because there should be like 20-30 people and I'm not the most outgoing person in the world. I feel proud that they asked me to host it, but I've never hosted anything with that many people before and it's a little scary. I'm hoping that this will give me the opportunity to meet lots of new people since I'll have to introduce myself to everyone. I have to keep in mind that it's a good thing even though I'm nervous. I reallly hope it goes well.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

It turns out that the meetup is tomorrow, not tonight! Someone wasn't paying attention. Kinda relieved that I don't have to deal with it tonight, but now I have more time to get anxious about it. I need to focus on being excited for it.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Well the meetup they had me host was pretty awful. 20 people were supposed to show up and only 7 did! I knew everyone but 2 people, which made it kind of a waste because the point is to meet new people. I ended up hanging out with some of my other friends after the meetup cause they were having a bunch of people over at their house, so it wasn't a total let down. I met a couple new people there and even though none seemed interested in me, it's always good to get out and be social with different people.

 

There is another meetup on wednesday that was created in my group, but I'm not going. On meetup, others in the group can suggest a place and if enough people want to go, an event will be created. I feel bad because it's my group, but I really don't want to go. There are 2 next week, and I am hosting one of them and all of these meetups with strangers can get pretty overwhelming and with the new meetup group, I don't know anyone. I'm kinda regretting that I started that particular one. I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So the next meetup I am holding is on Thursday and it looks like it's gonna bomb like the last one. People seemed to be excited about it at first, but once I created it only 3 people rsvpd. So for now it's just me, my friend, and a random person. I can go visit my friend any time, so it almsot seems silly to hold it. Then again, maybe I just have to push through these smaller meetups before people become more interested. I don't know. I was really excited about doing this at first, but people in my community just don't really seem to be into the idea. Its times like these that I wish I lived in a slightly bigger city. I really want to move, but don't have the funds to do so at the moment.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

oh, the other meetup that someone made in my group (but I'm not hosting and rsvp'd as no) is actually going on tonight at 7. I'm anxious to see how it goes. I kinda feel badly because there have been 2 meetups in this group and I havn't been to either one of them! i created it as a 20-30s social group and most of the people who are going are older. I know from previous meetups that I dont do well with meetups where there are a lot of older people. There are just a lot of older people in my community and they seem to be the ones who want to come out and do things. It's really frustrating. I think I might just let someone else take over that meetup. I didnt really give it a chance but I am rsvpd for the event (that again, someone else created) next week so I'll probably just go and decide then. Id rather give it to someone who is more excited about doing i though. People seem to like it, they are creating events by themselves which is pretty cool, but now I just feel obligated to attend them as the owner of the group.

 

I'm also not interested in eating where the meetup is being held tonight, or else I probably would have gone. I guess I could go to show moral support, but by now I think it's pretty clear that I really don't want to be in charge of this particular meetup. I like the other one better, and I just don't have it in me to do both. I'm not very social to begin with and it's just overwhelming.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

It sounds like the meetup last night went okay. 5 people showed up and 2 people rated it 4/5. There are already quite a few "upcoming meetups" that I didn't start that people are rsvping to, so I hope it kind of turns into a communal meetup where there are different hosts for each one. That would be ideal. I can handle holding a meetup once a month, but these people have been scheduling them weekly, and I just can't keep up with that.

 

As for my other event tomorrow... we went from 3 people going including myself to 5 people going. There are a bunch of people who havn't decided yet, so I'm going to send them a few messages and encourage them to come. I already know 3 of the people who are going anyways, so it shouldnt be too stressful. There is one girl who rsvpd, who I am really not excited about, but it is what it is. She came to one of my last meetups and was very loud and immature and dominated the situation. Just hoping for a good night this time. I'm a little nervous because it is a new place we are trying out to host it, but I'm sure it will be fine. It can't be worse than the last one where I stepped in as a host.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

my meetup is tonight. I really hope it goes better than the one on saturday. Right now we have 7 people confirmed and 8 people who havn't responded. The resturant wants an accurate head count and everyone to arrive at the same time, so im a little nervous about that, but I said it should be about 8-10 people. I'm guessing most of the people who havn't rsvpd wont come but its happened in the past so you never know. I always get really nervous before these meetups, especially when I'm hosting them. I just want people to have a good time and come back. I'm pretty happy because 2 of my friends who arent members of the meetup said they would come for a night out, otherwise it would just be 5 people. Anyways, I hope it goes well...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Uggg, I'm kinda pissed off and kinda upset about one of the reviews someone left about the meetup that was held in my group on Tuesday. They said they had a good time but found it disconcerneing that the organizer didn't show up. This was for the meetup that was not created by me, but by another member. I guess who ever created it didn't show up and now they are looking down on me. I RSVPd as not going like a week ago mostly because I was not interested in attending the place where the meetup was being held. These people are creating meetups and expecting me to attend all of them. I was thinking I would hold something monthly, but members have been creating their own on a weekly basis. I just can't afford to go to all of them and I have other things on my plate. You would think me paying $72 to have the meetup for 6 months would be enough for these people, but I think that comment was just rude. It makes the whole group look bad when I had never intended to go to that meetup in the first place and had RSVPd as a no anyways.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

The meetup went well! Definitely as well as it could have. Not everyone who rsvpd showed up, but another person I knew ended up coming last minute so we still had 7 people. I knew 4 of the people already but the two others who showed up were a pair of cute boys in their early 30s. One is still kinda seeing his ex and the other one just moved back home and doesnt have a job at the moment. I don't want to mess with the first guy, but I'd probably go on a date or two with the 2nd. Both of them contacted me right after the meetup. I have a tendency to go after what I want, but I think I'm just gonna sit back and see if any of the guys that I meet at these things contact me and ask me out. I think when I come off as too interested, I look desperate and want to avoid that. I'm happy that it went so well though! I'm excited to hold another one in a month or so with this group. Maybe sooner, who knows.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

soooo im going to another meetup tonight! This is one of the ones that I went to like a year ago but it was so far away that I never really went back, though I had kept a little in touch with some of the people there. Anyways, a bunch of my friends from my area are carpooling and I'm going for the ride. It's about 1:45 minutes away. I think it would be silly to flirt with guys there since it is just so far away, but I know it's going to be a really good time regardless. I'm excited!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

havn't posted in my journal in a couple of days...

 

The meetup on friday was fun even though it was like 2 hours away. I met some cool people but I dont know if I will ever hang out with them again because of the distance. It was nice to go to a well established meetup with people my age though and see how well it can work.

 

We left the meetup early and I ended up hanging out with my friends and some of their friends. Got to know some people better which was cool. Really fun night over all.

 

Went to a "hurricane" party on saturday (same house as the night before). It was fun up until the part where I get sexually assaulted by someone I knew at the party. Theres a thread about it in inthe 'violence and abuse' section here on ena if anyone feels like reading the details, cause i really dont feel like posting them.

 

I think that might keep me at home for a while. If I can't feel safe at my friends house, I dont know how safe I will feel going to other places for now. I'm supposed to go to another meetup on wednesday, but i really dont want to go now. I dont feel like being obligated to make small talk with a bunch of people that I dont know. I really dont feel like meeting anyone new right at this very moment. I dont want to leave my house for a while but I'm supposed to go to my best friends who lives an hour away tomorrow to pick some stuff up that i forgot thats kinda important. I would go on wednesday but i have that damn meetup. i kinda want to tell her about what happened to me, but I kinda dont. hopefully i will feel like driving and hanging out with her tomorrow but I really don't know. i feel like it might cheer me up if i can convince myelf to go, but now that I'm home after being stuck at someone elses house for a while, I just want to stay home and not leave.

[sophie274]

Milkandhoney, have you talked to anyone about what happened yet? I really hope you'll choose to confide in someone, even if it's just an anonymous person on a sexual assault hotline. Ideally you could find a counselor to talk to ... I do think you should take things at your pace, but I'm worried that you're going to stuff this all in and suffer the emotional consequences of that ... and you don't want to end up socially isolated, especially when you were taking such big steps towards broadening your social circle.

 

Hugs

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'm going to start looking for a counselor because I should have health insurance within the next few weeks. I've been trying to think of a friend that I can talk to in real life but I'm not sure who yet. The idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this really sounds uncomfortable to me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

argggg, i really don't know what to do about this meetup that I am supposed to go to tomorrow. I didn't create the event, but helped set up a date for it and the girl who was supposed to host it can't come anymore. I rsvpd like 2 weeks ago and I would look like an idiot if I didn't show up. Plus it would make the group look bad. Someone was already complaining that the organizer didnt show up to the last one even though I rsvpd as a no. I really like the idea of the group, but the reason for making it was to expand my social circle and meet more people my age. I really don't know if this group is gonna do it, and I already have enough on my plate. I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to give the group to one of the girls who has been choosing meetups and seems really into it, but I don't know if I should show my face there tomorrow or just give her the group and be done with it. I might want to attend events in the future, but I just dont want to be in charge of it. It's just way too much pressure for something I'm not all excited about.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i just got into a huge argument with my mom where she basically told me to get out of the house. I dont think she would actually kick me out, but it's getting to the point where I just can't stay here much longer. If I get my finances together, I should be able to move out within the next year, but obviously that is not soon enough. I have a lot on my plate right now and both her and my dad have had their jobs for 25+ years and dont understand how hard it is to get an actual job right now. I want to start packing my stuff, but I don't have anywhere to go and I don't want to move out unless I know I have enough money to financiallly support myself... and I dont. I searched craigslist and realtor and the lowerst price for a 1 bedroom in my area is $900 and thats not including utilities. I could get in on a house share for around $600 but my income is only $450 a month. I dont think I have any friends that I could stay with indefinitely and I don't want to move out if I can't support myself. I am just dealing with so much right now. My mom even had the nerve to say that I didnt care if she lived or died, which of course isn't true. She keeps blaming me for her unhappiness and wants me to get out of the house and I'm just not in the position right now. I'm afraid that I will be driven out with no place to go and of course that scares me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So I just checked up on the meetup that I didn't attend. Only 4 people rsvd, but 2 people rated it 4.5 stars. My plan is to write a note to one of the other members and see if they want to take over. I feel kinda bad doing this, but I really dont want to deal with this right now.

 

It feels like my life is spinning out of control. The sexual assualt thing has been putting me completely on edge when I was close to it already. I just want to get my medical insurance card in the mail asap. I could be looking for doctors and therapists who take my insurance but I havn't done it yet. After I got into the huge fight with my mom, I just went to sleep for like 4 hours. It's just easier not to deal with things. Anyways, I know I have to do that, because I really need to see a therapist. I'm hoping I can go like 3x a week because I really think i need it that much.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

double post