Brain Stew

[peanutbutterandjelly]

didnt end up going to that party sadly, because of the storm. im actually still out of power but the internet works and luckily we have a small generator so i can charge things. i spent a lot of time at my friends house the past couple of days where one of my crushes lives. apparently he likes bad girls and having girls who are in long term relationships in his bed. its sad, because its like he's being taken advantage of emotionally... this girl isnt getting what she wants out of her relationship so she finds it somewhere else. she just comes over, gets drunk and uses it as an excuse to cuddle next to a guy and he just likes the attention. i think he's made it pretty clear that he's not interested in me whatsoever... our friends will joke about us together and he will outright be like... "ummm.. no". i dont even know if we would be compatible long term... i dont even know why i like this guy... looking from the outside he seems like a total jerk, but i have a crush on him. i dont think he's a bad guy at all, but i think the decisions he's making are questionable. i just wish i could have a chance with him and see. he's a very deep, interesting person and i really like being with him... but maybe just growing the friendship is best. i dont know. i feel like if i could open up with him more, i could get to know him better and connect with him on a deeper level, but I find it hard because i dont want to say something that may make him think badly of me. i guess i really have nothing to lose though. i seem to just choke up when its me and him. for some reason i dont believe that he doesnt like me at all, but thats just a feeling i have and nothing to back it up.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

well according to ok cupid, my crush is looking for long term dating but answered "no" to the question asking if he was looking for someone to have kids with. that surprised me. he knows i want to have kids. i thought he did too, just not in the near future, but maybe i am completely wrong. another reason why we arent compatible and why i should just stick to being friends. but he also mentioned recently that he never makes the first move, so i wonder if that has anything to do with anything. its a lot more possible that he's just not into me though. i need to get rid of this crush!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

went to my friends house yesterday and my crush was there for a little while. he was in suchhh a bad mood, but i still like him anyway... it just goes to show that when you're into someone, it doesnt really matter how they act or behave. i dont even know why i like this guy so much, it must be that im attracted to him physically because we have very little in common and he's kind of a jerk... but he's also smart, funny, passionate, etc. still, its pointless to have crushes. i think im gonna give those friends a bit of a break and focus on myself more... maybe going out and meeting people in general too. its winter, less people are out and about anyways. maybe i will try meeting people online again and doing more one on one stuff with people I know who are actively looking for a relationship. or maybe ill just take a break all together. that wouldnt be a bad thing. we'll see what happens i guess.