How to deal with nosy neighbors

[alli]

Let me start off saying that they are very nice people and I consider them friends. They've been a great help to my husband and I, keeping an eye on the house & mowing our lawn when I was deployed, and taking care of our exotic pets when we're on vacation, etc. Their care is a bit more involved than the typical cat or dog care.

 

Anyway, I consider myself to be a pretty independent person. I like my privacy, I like doing my own things and I don't share my every thought with another person. The wife (about my age) is about the opposite; she's very open with her life. I feel like she always wants to know what I'm doing. I feel like they keep tabs on when I'm coming and going (their view of my house makes this easy) and honestly I don't really do the same, I don't care if they are home or not at any particular point in the day. I just like going about my day as a fairly anonymous person.

 

The latest example is this weekend. I was looking forward to some alone time, just to do my own thing. Really, my only plans were to clean & organize the house, and hit the mall & do some clothes shopping. That was really it, nothing incredibly exciting. The wife invited me out last night and I declined, just saying "I can't Saturday but I can Sunday". Since then, she has no kidding texted me 3 times asking either what I was doing or where I was at. I just haven't answered the texts. I'm sure my avoidance of her questions has peaked her curiosity, but it just kind of annoys me that someone HAS to know what I was doing. It's my own time right? My husband didn't even ask me what I was doing yesterday. I know that I could just tell her, but I feel like I shouldn't have to. What I do in my free time is my own business.

 

This isn't a one time thing, I'll get texts from her the moment I walk into my house because she saw me pull in. Sometimes I just don't feel like texting back & forth or doing things together, but it's hard because unlike other friends, I can't pretend I'm not home. I know she is a bit lonely and just wants a good friend but I'm feeling a bit smothered.

 

My problem is I don't know how to answer. I feel that she is getting way too up in my business, but I feel like if I say anything I'll put her off, and she's been so nice this whole time. Like I said, watching our house, feeding our pets, her husband mowing our lawn for months. I definitely don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings. I just need a good way to skirt her questions without offending her or making her even more curious, though I don't know if such a response exists!

[Batya33]

I think that you have to accept her flaws if you want to continue benefiting from her and her husband's overwhelming generosity. Why not just turn off your phone before you pull in to the driveway or walk in the house? Or you can respond "thanks for your text. beautiful day today, huh?" or "I'm dancing naked to Diana Ross. What about you?"

[Nerdyjock]

Hello there,

 

First I have to point out I was kinda confused when I read your message by some of the wording so I had to re-read. When you start off by saying "the wife" I first thought you were referring to your own wife (didn't know if you are a lesbian or if maybe you had the wrong gender listed on your profile, sorry). Even though you also referenced your husband, I still got confused but that's probably my fault for not really remembering other posts of yours. Anyway, I figured out eventually that you meant your neighbor who is a wife, at least that's what I'm guessing.

 

Let me say that I am very similar to you. I very much like privacy. I can entertain myself, watch movies alone, read a book, etc., and a lot of times people will ask "what's wrong?" when I simply enjoy alone time.

 

Here is what you said that stuck out to me:

 

I know that I could just tell her, but I feel like I shouldn't have to.

 

While I agree that it would be ideal if people could take hints and understand that others are different, we can't expect them to know. To me, until she knows how you feel, she is almost blameless in this situation. Sure, it sounds like she is a bit obssessive and chatty with her friends, but if that is just her personality it isn't necessarily wrong... just not compatible with you.

 

Normally I would encourage a face-to-face conversation, but I always defer to the person in question's preferred method of communication. If she feels it is ok to text you so much, then I feel it is completely ok for you to tell her how you feel over texts. Just make sure, if you do so, you don't act angry about it. Just tell her how you told us - you really appreciate them as neighbors and you DO enjoy time together, but you really, really like your alone time and privacy and would like if maybe she would leave you alone sometimes.

 

Another alternative is to just pick and choose what texts you answer. This takes practice. One thing I have had to learn is that just because I am available 24/7 via text messge, this does not mean i have to answer or acknowledge those texts. Just like aphone call, I have the right to ignore the text, get back to it later, not text back, etc. I would say that if you aren't really wanting to tell her how you feel, just answer the texts as you please. You have no reason to have to explain yourself if you don't want to. Just because your phone receives texts 24/7 doesn't mean you need to actually give attention to these texts.

 

So I think those are the two options: either 1) tell her how you feel over text (and I approve of over text only because she seems to be the one facilitating that method) or 2) just try to learn that just bc she texts doesn't mean you have to attend to it.

[alli]

Batya- I agree, I can't criticize her for doing something that annoys me a little yet continue to ask her to do things that really, really help me out. Danicing naked to Diana Ross would be a funny response. That's why I don't want to say anything that would hurt her feelings. At the same time, I don't feel I'm obligated to give anyone a play by play of my daily life no matter what they've done for me. I did try to pay them $200 (they refused, which makes me feel even worse!) but I am going to offer to babysit their kids sometimes so they can go on a date, because they've been so generous to us and also I guess to level the playing field, because I feel like I'm indebted to them.

 

Nerdyjock- Yes, by "the wife" I was referring to the female of the neighbor couple. I forgot that sometimes people refer to their own spouse as "the wife". I have tried ignoring them. When I didn't answer the first one she asked me twice more. I suppose saying "a personal day" or something to that affect might give her an idea of where I'm going and might satisfy the answer enough that she'll stop asking.

 

I'm not angry at her, I know she can't possibly read my mind to know that I'm getting annoyed, but I don't know how to get the message through (not just this message, but the whole thing in general) without it being a confrontation, and I think being on the receiving end of this conversation would make anyone feel a little defensive and hurt.

 

I've had this problem with several other people. They've done such nice things for you, so it makes you feel like you don't have a right to say something when they do something you don't like. At the same time, I think I don't have to suppress my true feelings about someone or something regardless. It'd be like say, your mother in law bought you a brand new crib, but from then on dropped by your house whenever she wanted and told you how to be a parent. You don't want to be rude to someone so generous, but does that mean you have to "suck it up" when it comes to everything else they do? There's just this fine line between expressing your feelings and offending them, and I'm not sure how to avoid stepping over that line.

[alli]

Also, text messages in general are starting to annoy me. I like them when it comes to things like appointments or arrangements at a particular time & day so it's quick & easy to reference, as opposed to voicemail. I get a LOT of text messages from different people all day- husband, family, and several friends. I feel like I'm being rude when I don't respond, but I seriously don't want to spend all day every day writing out a novel with my thumbs. I wonder if I contacted Verizon if they could cancel the whole text thing altogether, so I don't receive texts & don't get charged for them. But it's so handy sometimes too. Even at this exact moment, I have texts from at least 3 different people that I haven't responded to. And I don't want to, it's my day off!!

 

Oh also NJ, When I said "I know I could just tell her but I feel like I shouldn't have to", I didn't mean I know I could just tell her how I feel but I shouldn't have to. I meant I know I could just answer all of her questions about where I'm at and what I'm doing all the time, but I shouldn't have to.

[luminousone]

Here's what I would do:

 

Next time you see her, say "Thanks for your texts. Sorry I didn't answer them - when I get home, I set my phone aside so that I can get things done around the house/spend quiet time with my spouse/read, relax, and recharge/ (whatever you want to insert here)."

 

And when she texts again, simply don't answer them.

 

Eventually she'll get the point.

[Nerdyjock]

Yes, you can cancel your text plans with many companies. I'd definitely look into it! Being accessible 24/7 definitely has it's downsides and I support anyone who wants to get rid of texting. Many cell phone companies allow you to receive texts even if you don't have a text plan - it simply costs like 10cents for every text you read. You could just use it to read texts for your appointments and not answer any other texts at all.

 

About the 2nd part - you shouldn't have to, and you don't have to. I know you mentioned you have, in the past, ignored her messages, but again I think this will take a mindset change. Not telling her is one thing, but you're still bothered that she is asking. It really comes down to two simple options from my perspective: you can either learn to not let it bother you and simply learn to just not be bothered by it, OR you can have a very serious conversation with her and lay it all out there. I understand that you've tried more simple approaches - ignoring them and/or telling them you're having alone time, but maybe this needs to be addressed with a serious conversation. Just my opinions of course.

[behindblueyes]

Ignore the texts but keep on being nice to her.

[Cadence44]

Here's what I would do:

 

Next time you see her, say "Thanks for your texts. Sorry I didn't answer them - when I get home, I set my phone aside so that I can get things done around the house/spend quiet time with my spouse/read, relax, and recharge/ (whatever you want to insert here)."

 

And when she texts again, simply don't answer them.

 

Eventually she'll get the point.

 

I agree with this. I understand your frustration, but confronting her will only make her hurt and defensive and continuing to put up with this will only make you annoyed and defensive.

 

So next time you see her, just tell her that you've received her texts (along with texts from family and other friends) but you're not the best at answering them when you get them. Tell her that you're always on call when you're at work and when you're home you really need to shut off the world and recharge. Act like you're confiding in her about something that's been on your mind and act exhausted when you are telling her this - lots of sighing, looking to the heavens for relief... That way she doesn't take it personally and feels that you've confided in her. She'll eventually lay off and she won't feel hurt.

 

Once you feel like she's gotten the point, then you can respond ever so often. If she's lonely and you want to keep up a good relationship (which you should if you've got good neighbors who are also reliable petsitters) it wouldn't hurt to invite her to do something like getting coffee or going for a pedicure every once in awhile. I would not ask her to your house, because you don't want her to start just showing up.