Jump to content

Lack of communication killing our relationship

idrmartin

By idrmartin
in Dating Advice

Recommended Posts

idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
Posted

I have been together with a woman for one year. We are both in our 40s with kids from a prior marriage. Like most relationships, we started off in the honeymoon phase where things were incredible, then slowly digressed out of it. As that has happened, I have noticed she has become much more distant, especially in the last 3-4 months. Here's the problem....as I have seen this happen, I have tried to talk to her about it, but to no avail. She simply will NOT talk about her feelings or thoughts on even a basic level. She has told me to stop trying to talk about things, and quit worrying because she says she wants to be with me. (I've tried to have a serious talk with her about it only about 3 times since January).

 

So since she refuses to communicate with me, I have backed off. There will be times when we are close, and other times when we aren't, emotionally speaking. We live 2 hours from each other, so we generally have only seen each other on weekends. But this summer, things have really taken a turn for the worse. I have had very little time with her, especially alone time. Her oldest daughter is 18 and about to go off to college. She is very, very sad about this because she is extremely close to her. So maybe that's part of it, maybe not.

 

Here's the kicker. Two weeks ago, she went on a church trip with her kids for a week. While she was gone, she was almost her old self again toward me- very sweet, emotionally close, calling me all the old "pet names" etc. That went on all week. Then when they got home on the 16th of July, she invited me to see her that Sunday evening, the next night. We had a very good time that night, even though her daughters were with her. We felt very close. Then the next day, a Monday, she started going cold again (for NO reason I can think of). THursday the 21st was my birthday and I invited her to come to my family dinner to celebrate with us. She did come, but I could tell she didn't want to be there! It was so awkward that night.

 

I opened my gifts and she had no gift for me. When I took her back to her car afterwords for her drive home, she gave me a sweet card and told me she would get me a gift later. She apologized. I said no big deal, but I could tell she wasn't into me at all. The next day, Friday the 22nd, she was very edgy with me, and on Saturday I was supposed to go visit her for the rest of the weekend. She sent me a text around 1pm saying she thought it would be best if she spent the weekend alone with her kids, and that she needs some time. Of course, I tried to talk to her about what's going on in her head, and of course, she wouldn't. Just said she needed a break! I agreed to give her the time she needs. Around midnight that night, she sent me a "Goodnight, I love you text. I just said Love u too, about 15 minutes later. Then nothing since. Last night, I told her goodnight, I love you. She responded in kind 5 minutes later. Today nothing.

 

I don't know what to do, and I'm not sure why she is backing away so much. I don't think there's another guy but who knows? But she has been backing away from me for weeks, and will NOT tell me why. When I ask her, it's like I was crazy for asking, and why do I want to talk about things all the time! It's so FRUSTRATING! I love this woman, but now I sit and wait while she needs this break. And get this....I only spent 3 half days with her in person the entire month of July! What does she need a break from??? Texting?? I know this isn't looking good. Any advice or insight would be received with an open mind.

Link to comment
esrever Rookie

esrever

Posted
Posted

It can be frustrating dealing with someone who won't share their feelings or have the tough conversations. Distance relationship are also notorious for being able to hold together. My honest thoughts are that she is going through a life change with her kid going off to college and that's where she wants her energy. I also don't think it's fair that you should have to wait for her to deign it a good time to talk to you again. An I love you text is nice, but is it really enough? Sounds like you know it isn't. Not wanting to be there on your birthday is also pretty lame, any decent girlfriend would be happy to be there for a birthday in my opinion. The gift thing isn't a big deal to me, but I don't place much value in material objects.

 

So I'd like you to sit back and evaluate what you really want out of life. You only get the one, is this girl worth waiting for? When you look back on this as an old man, will you be happy with your decision to wait or not wait?

 

Personally I wouldn't deal with a woman who was that distant with me, life is too short for me to put up with someone who isn't into me. It could also be that she is waiting for you to break up with her because she doesn't want to do it herself. I've noticed women often have a very difficult time breaking up with someone because they don't want to be the aggressor, so they wait for the man to do it.

 

Bottom line, think if she's really worth it and try to act accordingly. Oh, and good luck

Link to comment
Stay_home Explorer

Stay_home

Posted
Posted

Personally, I think those are the worst kind of relationships to have with a person who won't talk, won't communicate and will not allow themselves to open up enough to actually "feel" what is there. Relationships like that are just really hard to sustain. You never know where exactly things are. You can try reaching out to her again (doubt if it'll work) and if that doesn't work I would probably considering slowy but surely breaking things off...

Link to comment
Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

Posted
Posted

You wanted communication. You got it. You get on her nerves. It doesn't matter if other women have thought this ... the one you are with thinks this.

 

Honestly, I had an ex who "got on my nerves" a lot too because, mostly, I wasn't really attracted to him.

Link to comment
Ariel85 Enthusiast

Ariel85

Posted
Posted
She told me today that little things I do or say get on her nerves. Isn't that fine and dandy? I have NEVER in my life been told by a woman that I get on their nerves. First for everything I guess. Sighhhh.

 

For the third time - she's menopausal! lol (Did she mention you don't listen as well? lol - jk).

 

But if she's not menopausal, as you should hope, and her emotions and mind are clear, then she's done. When everything grates on you about a person, it's over.

Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Contributor

NeverGoingBack

Posted
Posted
You wanted communication. You got it. You get on her nerves. It doesn't matter if other women have thought this ... the one you are with thinks this.

 

Honestly, I had an ex who "got on my nerves" a lot too because, mostly, I wasn't really attracted to him.

 

Do you mean physically attracted to him, or just that you weren't that into his personality...? Did this happen as the relationship progressed? I mean surely you didn't think this at the beginning, or you wouldn't have started dating him... Just curious about the word "attraction" and what you mean by it. Different people on this forum seem to mean different things when they mention the word "attraction".

 

OP, I found my ex to be horrendous at communication as well. I think it was a matter of her not being able to stop, formulate coherent thoughts that came from her own feelings and then construct a sentence and speak, in order to communicate to me what she felt or was thinking... She would rather run out of the room than communicate... It was horrible...

Link to comment
idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yeah I think it's over, but here's the kicker.... I told her today, hey life's too short. If I get on your nerves we need to split up and move on. I said, I'll break up with you so you can tell your kids and family that I did it so they won't be angry at you (Her kids and family LOVE me and want us to get married. Her daughter and son both told her awhile back- "Don't blow this one Mom"). As soon as I said that today, she says- NO, I don't want to break up! I love you! She wants to hang in there, but I think it's a lost cause.

Link to comment
idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
  • Author
Posted
For the third time - she's menopausal! lol (Did she mention you don't listen as well? lol - jk).

 

But if she's not menopausal, as you should hope, and her emotions and mind are clear, then she's done. When everything grates on you about a person, it's over.

 

Ariel, I read some on premenopause. I am not ignoring what you are saying. I just don't think I get on her nerves because she is pre-menapausal. Just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Link to comment
Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

Posted
Posted
She says - NO, I don't want to break up! I love you! She wants to hang in there, but I think it's a lost cause.

 

Haha ... it sounds like she wants to be in a relationship more than she wants to be in a relationship with YOU. Hey, if you are prime real estate, then go out and find a woman who will actually really appreciates you.

Link to comment
idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You said that you think it's over but then said that she said that she doesn't want to break up. So...it seems that it's up to you now. Do you want to break up?

 

If things don't improve very soon, yes, it's probably for the best even though I love her very much. This is very painful for me. I've given my all to her and this relationship, and when the realization hits that it's probably not going to work, it's surreal, and leaves a hole in your heart, and an emptiness in the pit of your stomach.

Link to comment
idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Haha ... it sounds like she wants to be in a relationship more than she wants to be in a relationship with YOU. Hey, if you are prime real estate, then go out and find a woman who will actually really appreciates you.

 

Easier said than done at my age, but that doesn't mean I should settle either.

Link to comment
jjcool00 Rookie

jjcool00

Posted
Posted

I was in a relationship similar to yours a few years ago where she didn't talk at all and it was even worse because I joke around (a lot) and if i ever said something that offended her she wouldnt talk to me for days!!! then when i would question her she would say stuff like "you should know what you said that upset me"... do you know how much people say when they are talking? eventually i broke up with her and wasnt even hurt.. when you know for sure its time to let someone go youll be able to and not look back... You should put your foot down and say if you dont do this this and this, im leaving... not just say hey if i get on youre nerves lets break up... if she wants to stay in the relationship she needs to put in the effort to make it work not just be in it because its convenient.

Link to comment
idrmartin Rookie

idrmartin

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You should put your foot down and say if you dont do this this and this, im leaving... not just say hey if i get on youre nerves lets break up... if she wants to stay in the relationship she needs to put in the effort to make it work not just be in it because its convenient.

 

I did this last night. I told her that if she wants to stay together, then she needs to show me she cares. I told her if she wants to talk, then call, if she wants to text, then text me, and if she doesn't then don't. I am normally not passive like this, but she is the one that is moving away, yet claims she wants to stay together because she "loves" me. This is the only way I know to make her put her money where her mouth is. I will know soon enough if she really wants this relationship.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...