Ex girlfriend/best friend sexually abused and raped

[serenitynow]

My ex girlfriend and now best friend is 16. I've always had fears that something horrible had happened in her past because I've been picking up clues and having flashbacks. She used to be really mean 2 or 3 years ago to me, she hated me and made fun of me for no reason and stuff. And this year we became good friends then we dated and she said that she was a differnt person back then, and things happened that made her like that. Then one day her exbf got brought up cuz he's fighting in iraq, and she said she hated him and he didnt know how to treat a girl. So i inferred something really bad must have happened cuz she doesnt hate anyone and is so loving. And there were many other clues i wont explain. Yesterday I found out what it was. She told me and she's never told anyone. She said she's been sexually abused since she was 4. And she was also raped when she was 13. She got pregnant and got everything set up for an abortion, but her boyfriend (the person who raped her) wouldn't let her have the abortion. She had a miscarriage. She stayed with the boyfriend off and on for another 3 years, until this year when she broke up with him a few months before she started dating me. Her mother found out that she had sex with him but she won't believe her that she was raped, she thinks it was consentually, so that hurts her a lot. And now I'm realizing why she hates her mother and all that, and why her mom doesn't trust her. At first she was like "please say something, say anything" and then right after she was like "nevermind you don't have to say anything". So I got the feeling she really needed me to help her, and I tried my best and I think I did ok, we still haven't talked about it all that we will though. I need help, what should i say? what should i tell her to do? I mean, she hasn't told anyone her whole life and just telling me is making me worry i wont be able to do enough to help her. I keep thinking about it to and it's so horrible and hurts so much. I've even had flashbacks to when i said things like "I don't think abortion is ok in any situation, even in rape I don't think it's ok" and i feel like sh*t. Should i ask her if the abuse has stopped? Should i ask who did it? Should i ask if wants to get a restraining order on the guy that raped her since he's coming back from iraq and she's freaking out? I don't know what to do because this is so bad and i've never had to see anyone else deal with it. Please help, i can't ask any of my friends for help obviously because i can't tell anyone!

[mahlina]

That's great that she has a good friend like you. Be supportive, and do things from your heart. As much of a sweet/happy person she might come off as, she probably has a lot of emotions that she hides inside. Her telling you about her problems, shows that she trusts you. Tell her things that you mean from your heart. Don't hesitate to ask her some questions, but also remember to be extra sensitive about it. The last thing that she needs is for someone to make some kind of comment that will make her feel judged or uncomfortable. If you feel that the questions might be inappropriate, then let her know. Say this, "If my question bothers you a little, then feel free not to tell me. I understand." Sometimes, when people force other people to let out their emotions, they take it as something negative, and will push people away, especially if they don't know if they can trust the other person as much, yet. Whatever it is, let her let out her emotions naturally.

 

With her situation, I'm guessing that she's matured a whole lot from what she encountered. Often times, depending on how severe her abuse was, some victims often develop what's called: PTSD, post-traumatic, stress disorder, where they feel a whole lot of anxiety inside. It's like their own defense mechanism. Some of the symptoms include flashbacks, fear, and depression. It's also a part of what she might experience if she doesn't let things out and vent. When people keep things inside for too long, it can be personally destructive. Here's a website that will help you to understand PTSD a little better. link removed, by Eve B. Carlson, Ph.D. and Josef Ruzek, Ph.D

[serenitynow]

Thank you so much. She may have PTSD because I remember things that caused me to believe something had happened that was causing some of what she did. If that makes sense. Like for example, once we were talking and she said "i think i have to go" and i said "why?" and she said "I'm having a small relapse. I'm having flashbacks of somethings and I can't talk to you in this state." And the last 2 years she has been so different from before, when it happened. She rarely talks in school, and seems depressed. But, she said she was happy now, because now it's like this is a new start of her life. She said she feels very strong and thinks she's a better person. She also said she felt like a 24 year old in a 16 year old's body and that she was ashamed to tell me what she was about to. Of course I told her she shouldn't be ashamed of it but proud of herself for being able to handle it and do all of what she did by herself at such a young age. I'm worried though about the person that raped her coming back. Should I try to bring up her maybe going after him in court for rape? And if not that, a restraining order?

[mahlina]

You're welcome. I think that you can mention about it, but if she truly wanted to do it back then, then she probably would have. Some people might feel discouraged to talk about these things publicly. thereforeeee, they don't want to share it in front of people, espeically in front of a crowd of people in court. thereforeeee, I'm pretty sure that she's thought about it before, and maybe felt uncomfortable about it. It's really up to how she feels and how she wants to handle it.

[chai714]

serenitynow ,

She's going to need to see a professional and get into some type of counseling. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do (by the way, you're doing a GREAT thing by being supportive) and her issues will have to be dealt with by someone who is an expert. As a friend, you could guide her or suggest professional help.

[serenitynow]

Thanks. I will tell her that I think she should see a professional. But, I don't think she will. And also, she's not 18 so there would be some legal problems right? Becuase she doesn't want her parents to know. Not to mention it would cost a lot. Should I have her promise me she will see one when she turns 18 at least? Oh yea, I just remembered this. I think she felt bad telling me because she knew how hurt I would be about it and how much it would affect me. So I'm afraid she won't talk about it anymore because she will be afraid of making me upset. Even though it does really hurt me and affect me, should I tell her that it doesn't in order to make sure that she keeps telling me? Or should i be honest and say it does a lot, but she shouldn't hesitate to talk about it with me because it isn't anywhere near as important as helping her.

[SKIDD]

Hey Boy~

You sound like my ex. We went through this same situation the very end of our senior year in highschool, but he didn't handle the situation so well. First of all, you are already being a great friend just by trying to help her out, by trying to ease her pain. I wasn't raped by a boyfriend, but was molested and raped throughout my childhood by a family member, and my mom disowned me in July when she found out, so I kinda know how you guys feel. I'm probably a bad person to really talk to about the mushy stuff because, truthfully, even now, I just black out everything that happened. But I do know that my boyfriend was the one person I thought I could trust about the situation, and after eight years of that s***, he was the reason I finally got the nerve to put an end to it all. My ex is still my best friend, and the only person besides the authorities that know about it, so be careful with what you do with the information she told you--she trusts you a lot. DO NOT do anything irrational either, just listen and be on her side, always.

 

I can't believe how similair your situation is to mine, but now that I look back, telling my bf was the best thing that I could have done. Oh, and why doesn't your girl want to tell about the abuse? I know I really didn't either, at all, but because of my boyfriend, I did, and now I'm really glad I did. In the end, I went to the police station all by myself, I did it all on my own, and I think it made me so much stronger now. My mom and I still don't have a relationship and now I'm in college, and I feel like I can take on the world. I know this will all catch up to me in the end, but for now all I need is the occasional supportive friend.

 

Sorry about the long reply, but I really have been there, and know what your girlfriend is going through. My boyfriend was in the same postion you are, but he handled it really badly. I guess my only advice is to be there for her. When i was there, I felt like I shouldn't have told because not only was this stuff hurting me, but now my boyfriend was sharing the pain. it sucks. But be there for her, let her be selfish now, don't tell her its hard, she really needs someone to be her rock, especially without the support of her family.

 

Okay, I'm gonna stop blabbing now, but if either one of you wanna talk, email me or something, I proabbly don't give the best advice, but I do understand.

 

~Good Luck~

[IcyGirl]

Don't pressure her Serenitynow, ask questions, but if you see its one she doesn't want to answer, leave it and move to the next. Don't leave it hanging...It just digs deeper, let her move onto the next thought.

 

Also, don't try to talk start to finish about it, when you see she is fighting in her mind and needs to stop, let her. Just say, thats all I need for now (Be patient) and that you are happy she was able to share something so personal, that you will value it. Hug her, move on to lighter topics, don't leave directly after...It may not seem like your doing much for her, but you are.

 

About the restraining order, the best way may be to make her a deal. If this happens, or at this age, or if you feel...you have her promise to get an order. Make sure you aren't pressuring her into it, make it something that can ease her mind. Not something else weighing on it.

 

Try not to get angry at the people who hurt her infront of her...Don't say "Man, I just want to kick that guys butt for doing what he did to you" Even if you want to with all your heart. She may see similarities between you being violent and things in her past. Even though she knows you are completely different, it can trigger things...Just as a general rule of thumb, avoid stuff that you think may trigger a relapse. On the other hand, don't avoid an important issue....Just the little things Try to find a balance.

 

These are just suggestions...They may not work for you exactly..or at all, but at least you might be able to see a different view, or perhaps get an idea from something you read here. Wishing you two the best of luck, and I hope something here can be of assistance.

 

@Stresino, she loves you, extremly deeply. As long as you keep being you, never betray her trust, and keep doing what you are now, your marriage should be a lovely thing. Her past can actually become part of a happy future, as it is something that brings you two closer to each other.

 

 

To the both of you, good luck, it takes a special guy to stick through the baggage.

 

Sincerely, Icy