my wife is having an emotional affair.. do I have any hope of getting her back?

[jfly]

Hi,

 

I found out 4 days ago my wife was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I have never snooped in her email account, but it was a Sunday and she said she had an 830 meeting and was gone for hours and hours, didn't let me know when she was getting back which was unusual, and lately she had been very, very distant. It tore me apart as I was reading it... I never imagined something like that would ever happen. We've been together for 10 years, we left a big city where we were unhappy, moved to a foreign country and then moved out to a city out east where we always wanted to live. The first 6 months we were happy and excited to explore the new city. Then she got a fulfilling job at a big corporate company where there are a ton of young people working and it's a very social place. Meanwhile, I was alone all of a sudden and over the next 9 months I was unable to find work in my field, my social anxiety problems isolated me and prevented me from finding and seeking out friendships, and I was feeling extremely depressed and unable to get out of it. My wife was very busy with work, happy, and she seemed increasingly annoyed with me.

 

The reoccuring issues in our relationship became really glaring now. I always focused on the good things in our relationship and foolishly never addressed the problems that she always complained about. And we were both busy in the past, so they often weren't always front and center. She has the more outgoing take-charge personality, I'm introverted and laid back, and she ends up always being the one making plans, finding friends, etc. Basically, I am codependent on her, always relying on her. I have a very low sex-drive and wasn't romantic enough for her as well, which were big issues.

 

But, we were very happy also, although right now it seems so hard to remember that.. after the past 6 months where we've slowly grown more and more apart to the point where it felt like we were 2 strangers dealing with all the mundane chores of life.

 

Her email said it started out innocently at work at lunch and then developed to the point where they had strong feelings for each other. She sees him as someone who could be her real soul-mate, someone she can talk to about everything, he's passionate about life, and romantic. He's also married with a 14 yr old kid, and is unhappy in his relationship but isn't sure he wants to have a broken familuy for the kid... Meanwhile, she complained that I was moody, didn't have any passion for life and that I wasn't intimate unless coaxed. She said she felt bad for me.

 

Anyway, I felt like dying on the spot there. We met for dinner, I didn't tell her I knew anything, but told her our relationship had dissolved and I couldn't go on with it as it was and was going to move into my sister's house for awhile, so we had some space and I could think.

 

I did really need to get away and do some self-exploration for myself and start doing things on my own to figure out how to get in a better place for myself. We haven't spoke since then but have just done a little bit of emailing and left some notes. Nothing intimate.

 

I am trying to go out and do things on my own that I usually wouldn't do. I am going to see a counselor in one week.

 

I feel really awful that it got to this point. I am not sure she is definite she wants to end it, but it sounds like she does. I don't want to press her -- I'm trying to give her some time on her own, right now to think things out with me not there.

 

On the other hand, I do need to know if she wants to end it, so I can get on with my life. I don't want to drag things out.

 

I am not sure if I should ask her before I see the counselor, that I am trying to make changes for myself (I do and not just to please her), and I would like to see if we could address our issues and try and slowly see if the marriage can work again and does she feel the same way?? Or do I wait until I talk to the counselor first and go from there?

 

Any words of advice????

 

thanx for listening!

[indesign]

She does not seem like a very emotionally stable person, going behind your back and meeting someone else and developing a romantic relationship with that person, let alone one who is married. She is the one that needs counseling. YOU'RE MARRIED for God's sake.

[tresqua]

I found out 4 days ago my wife was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I have never snooped in her email account, but it was a Sunday and she said she had an 830 meeting and was gone for hours and hours, didn't let me know when she was getting back which was unusual, and lately she had been very, very distant.

 

The first thing you need to realize is that your wife is having more than an "emotional" affair. She was with this guy for hours, she lied about her whereabouts and they weren't sitting down to have tea, that's for sure.

 

Once you accept that, the next question needs to be asked to the mirror. Can you possibly forgive her for this, if she even gives you the opportunity?

 

If the answer is a possible yes, and if it was me there's no way in Hell I'd forgive infidelity, then you're going to have to lay the cards out on the table and be firm. It's not a matter of "when and if she decides to give up on this guy, it happens right NOW or you are gone".

 

Waiting around for her to make up her mind turns you into nothing more than a doormat.

[Nerdyjock]

You HAVE to talk to her about this. Communication is so important. I respect that you aren't flying of the handle and yelling about it to her - that's good. You need to keep communication open. However, I see no way of this ever resolving unless the two of you can lay all the cards on the table and discuss it.

 

I DO think you can get her back. From what it sounds like, I honestly think you need 1) a more active personal life (i.e., something besides her). She has her social work setting that is fun, and you are having trouble finding a job (i think that's what you said?). I know that isn't your fault necessarily, but I definitely think it would restore that sense of intimacy for you two (because you'd have less opportunity to be together, it'd be easier to cherish and 2) more excitement with her - dates, movies, travel, hiking, camping, classes together, sexual experimentation, a getaway, anything that can breathe a sense of renewal into your relationship.

 

Just my thoughts on this. I'm so sorry to hear... and I hope everything turns out ok.

[rahulrocks]

If you have not told her that you know it, then do not tell her. Get back in her life and pretend that you know nothing. Let her make the move of telling you about this. Do not make it too simple for her.

Sometimes people just get involved with other people just for no reason. Mostly these relationships are short termed. So there can be a possibility that this relationships of hers ends automatically and she comes back to you.

Sometimes people just go to other people out of attraction but it does not mean that they want to leave their parterners.

Even if she is in a mood of leaving you, then you do not make a move. It will be her who will want a seperation and not you.

If she gets down to this level then do not give her divorce easily. Ask her something in return for this.

 

See your current financial condition is poor, you can utilize the time you get in this process to improve it and if it improves considerably then you have the option of leaving her as well if you want on the grounds of infidelity.

[jfly]

Thanks everyone for their input! Nerdyjock, Those two things are exactly what are needed. you are so right. I was so pissed and angry and hurt when I read that email, but I didn't want to yell at her about it. That wasn't going to help and I really needed to just get away from her for a little bit and think about how I wanted to handle this. I do want to talk about everything and put all the cards on the table, she wanted to have a weekend by herself which is fine -- so it will be next week when I have an honest talk with her. I want to know how she feels about us trying again to make things work and I want her to tell me about this relationship with this other guy without me having to coax it out of her. I still love her, it's hard for me grasp the fact that she might not have any feelings for me anymore, but If she doesn't I don't want to be strung along.

 

She is emotionally stable, but I was shocked that she would do this, even if it started off innocently. You are right she needs counseling too, and/or we both might need counseling together if things continue w/ us. From the recent email I read they were only having lunch together, and it had all the trademarks of an 'emotional affair', she was always with me in the evenings and weekends. So, I really can't assume that they got together on Sunday and had sex or anything like that... there is that possibility, but I do doubt it.

 

The other really crap part about is this, is that I'm coming from such a hard place in my life already prior to this even happening... but I guess I will just have to deal with that and be strong, altho this really is hard to deal with emotionally and difficult to not fixate on. So, I'm trying to make a plan of action to keep busy every day, meet with people and seek out some kind of work, so I can just have some $, even tho it wouldn't be in my field or ideal...

[chitown9]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the other hand, I do need to know if she wants to end it, so I can get on with my life. I don't want to drag things out.

 

I am not sure if I should ask her before I see the counselor, that I am trying to make changes for myself (I do and not just to please her), and I would like to see if we could address our issues and try and slowly see if the marriage can work again and does she feel the same way?? Or do I wait until I talk to the counselor first and go from there?

 

Any words of advice????

 

In answer to your question, I would wait until you have the opportunity to speak with your counselor and have the advantage of getting the counselor's input. I think you made a wise decision but not telling your wife of the insight that you gained by reading the e-mail. That is something you MAY tell her in the future or NEVER tell her in the future. That is something that you might want to discuss with the counselor as well. To tell or not to tell. I would not assume she wants out of the marriage if I were you. She can't go to live with this married man....he does not seem to be inclined to leave his marriage. Your idea of seeing this counselor is a good one. It is very possible he/she will be counseling you and your wife as a couple in the future. Don't give up on your marriage. So far you have not done anything wrong in terms of your reaction to the e-mail. I would take my cue from the counselor if I were you.

[jfly]

Well, that's the really * * * * ty part. I want to get back into her life -- I wish I could just get myself grounded and happy and then slowly try and start things over on a different and new level. And maybe that can still happen. However, I know that she is still seeing that guy every day for lunch and being infatuated with him... so that part is not going to just go away, and I can't go on with that hanging over my head...no way... I know she would be able to help me financially for awhile until I got back on my feet again (not that I don't hate that idea, I do) if it came to that.

[reidqa]

J,

 

Then you have to fight for her, do what orginally attracted her to you.

 

Sorry but this is over your head unless you end it via the threat of immediate termination of the marriage if it continues.

 

Remember an EA can be the first step towards an PF, so you will not know this transition point.

 

Money has and should be any consideration, that is a poor excuse.

 

I was literally homeless 2 months after my divorce.

[jfly]

J,

 

Then you have to fight for her, do what orginally attracted her to you.

 

Sorry but this is over your head unless you end it via the threat of immediate termination of the marriage if it continues.

 

Remember an EA can be the first step towards an PF, so you will not know this transition point.

 

Money has and should be any consideration, that is a poor excuse.

 

I was literally homeless 2 months after my divorce.

 

Oh, I'm not taking money for granted. I need to find a way to just start making some right away instead of waiting to land something I really want in my career field. Worst case scenario, If this does come to an end I need to be financially independent. Less Worst Case scenario, I need to be making money so she doesn't feel like she is with someone who is independent and contributing to the relationship and not just depending on her, on top of me depending on her in all the other ways, which has how it has been for a long time and that hasn't helped. And I need it for myself, so I feel more independent as well.

 

You're right I really do want to fight for her and show her I am willing to make changes and do things differently so she doesn't feel like she is the one doing everything int the relationship. I know, that transition point would happen if I don't bring this to a stop... I wish I had been more strong before it got to this point, but I started getting really depressed about my own personal situation and it was hard for me to even focus on the relationship in a meaningful way.

[lalalollipops]

She's cheating on you. I don't see why people are recommending you change to get her to 'come back'

hell you deserve better! WAY better. The problems does not give her this excuse to betray you like this. She could have talked it out with you, did therapy, hell she could have gotten a divorce instead of going behind your back and breaking every marriage vow there is -_-.

 

 

From experience, you allow a cheater to walk all over you, they'll continue to do so. Respect yourself, put your foot down and leave her permanently. I know it's hard when you're in love with her. I understand that fully. But no trust, no relationship. And you deserve a quality honest woman... Not one that knows perfectly well how much you'd hurt but STILL IS CHEATING anyway.

[Doofus]

Is she cheating? I guess it depends on how you define cheating. For me this would be distressing, but not the same as if they're actually physically involved.

For the OP: How old are you two? Do you have any children? If you do have children, then you ought to take a stab at preserving the marriage, I think. If you don't, then you need to decide what you're willing to forgive. Probably, what's going to happen is she's gong to run into the arms of this other man, or try to. But if he's having doubts because of his family situation, he's likely to be less enthusiastic. Affairs between married people are exciting because they're forbidden. If she runs to him, he's just as likely to reject her. She'll come back, perhaps. If you can live with that, then my advice is to do nothing. Don't tell her you know, heck, maybe don't meet her for dinner. Taking this strong action will also renew some respect; she may start to view you as the old you and question herself. Be cool. And if you can't, then be gone - at least for a while.

[tresqua]

Is she cheating? I guess it depends on how you define cheating. For me this would be distressing, but not the same as if they're actually physically involved..

 

Read the first post again. He "says" it's just an emotional affair. He also posted that she was alone with this guy for hours and she lied about her whereabouts.

 

it was a Sunday and she said she had an 830 meeting and was gone for hours and hours, didn't let me know when she was getting back which was unusual

 

As with most posts, you need to separate the facts from the posters unintentional bias due to their own wants, needs, preconceived notions and denial systems. He doesn't want to accept his wife is in a physical affair so he interprets things "differently" than he would if he could be completely open minded.

 

This may come as a surprise to some, but cheaters NEVER admit they're having an affair. Ok, a select few do actually show some remorse and admit their guilt after the fact but that's few and far between and it doesn't apply here.

[Doofus]

I agree, it looks bad, but looks can be deceiving. And I don't get the sense that the poster is trying to convince himself that everything is above board. At all. The EA is bad, to be sure, but becoming close to someone, even falling in love with them does not mean that you're having sex with them. I've become close (probably not as close as the OP's wife..) to other women that I found attractive while in a relationship, but I never crossed that line. Lots of people have similar stories. As for the Sunday thing, they might have had a long brunch, or, maybe she was doing something else entirely. We don't know for sure and, it sounds like, neither does he.

[tresqua]

All I'm saying is that sexual infidelity cannot be ruled out and that there's a good possibility that's exactly what's happening here, in all due respect to the Op who assumes its nothing more than an EA, which in many cases can be considered to be as bad, if not worse than a physical affair.

 

I also agree with posters on this thread who are suggested the Op be "all nice" and "make changes" and try to win his ex back.

 

I've never been cheated on, however during my marital separation when I was still working towards possible reconciliation, when I heard that she might be going on a date I told her I was done and I meant it. As far as I know she never went on the date (nor was there any infidelity on either part), and she begged me to come back (in a long letter I eventually introduced as evidence during the divorce), even though she was the one who filed for divorce first, but by then I was done and I eventually filed myself.

 

I would never, ever tolerate infidelity of any type and quite frankly I cannot understand why anyone else would either, going so far as to try to "change themselves" to win back the cheater. I know the world is a big scary place and you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life and the "devil you know' might be more appealing than the 'devil you don't' however no one is worth it. Especially not a cheating devil.

[jfly]

Well, to clear things up the email I read was a recent w/in the last few days of when I found out, that she wrote to a close family member -- my point of view is coming directly from what I read in that email where she said she had innocently met this guy, first it was a large group of people togehter, then they just had lunch and it evolved from there when they had lunch several times. If she had had physical contact at that point, I'm pretty certain she would have wrote it, because she is super close to this person and was telling her everything in the email. The other thing is I was always around at home and she never was missing in the evenings or weekends, like I said. So, to be perfectly honest.. that Sunday was the first time there was a possibility of anything happening, but I doubt it was sex -- I think if they did meet there is a better possibility that it might have been at a cafe or some * * * * . Or maybe they didn't meet at all. I'm not trying to convince myself, just basing what I know on the facts in that email.

 

We're about 40, no kids. Yes, It is weird, she cheated on me, hid it and showed no signs of trust or any respect for our relationship. I am really disgusted by that and surprised that she would do that. It's hard to grip. We didn't have an awful history, either, quite the opposite. We didn't really argue violently and almost always got along. Did things together and shared so many good times. Yeah, there were always issues.. but that's in any relationship. So, it makes thing complex for me emotionally. I kind of wish I could just think about it in black and white terms, but I can't. At least for now.

 

I'm just trying to be cool for now and wait, it's hard in this situation, real fu^&in hard to do that. I really want to know how she feels 100% and want to bring all this ugliness to the forefront immediately. But, I also want to go into without a hot head and not be able to think clearly about what I want to do and get out of this. I wish my meeting with counselor wasn't until mid-week of next week, because I kind of think I need to talk to a completely neutral party and have their professional advice.

[tresqua]

Ok I agree it may not have gotten to the point of sex because that would have been mentioned in the email. I do suggest you play your cards close to your chest and not reveal what you already know but keep your eyes open and prepare for the worst.

 

Telling her about what you read and what you know and your suspicions will only cause her to be more careful and lock you out of her email account.

 

As bad as it is now, it will be worse to not have any idea what's going on.

[Staple]

I'm sorry you're married to a horrible person.

[Tresha]

Would your wife tell this family member if she had "really" cheated? 4 hours on a Sunday alone with this guy? Also, you said she wanted to have a weekend to herself last weekend? I'd prepare yourself for the news that they have been having a physical affair as well. I suspect that boat has already sailed.

[jfly]

She's cheating on you. I don't see why people are recommending you change to get her to 'come back'

hell you deserve better! WAY better. The problems does not give her this excuse to betray you like this. She could have talked it out with you, did therapy, hell she could have gotten a divorce instead of going behind your back and breaking every marriage vow there is -_-.

 

 

From experience, you allow a cheater to walk all over you, they'll continue to do so. Respect yourself, put your foot down and leave her permanently. I know it's hard when you're in love with her. I understand that fully. But no trust, no relationship. And you deserve a quality honest woman... Not one that knows perfectly well how much you'd hurt but STILL IS CHEATING anyway.

 

It is good hearing everyone's input, like this stuff above. The more time I am away from her and in my own mental space, the more I am able to think about things clearly. I'm a very good, honest guy and you're right I don't deserve this. I really was feeling completely lost, depressed and really needed her help so bad to help me out of this mess I had let myself get into. She made some small suggestions (take a class, etc), but for the most part she was completely engaged with work and feeling happy and good about herself, and she became more and more bitter and resentful towards me and abandoned me emotionally completely by flirting with another guy. The last thing in the world I needed was the person who supposedly cares for me the most, to cut down my self-esteem and call me gloomy and uninspired. It's obvious she is just full of bitterness and resent towards me and being in that negative environment was making me worse about myself and feel like I was sinking lower and lower. Obviously, it really made my self-respect take a major hit. Part of me doesn't even feel like bothering reaching out to her so much right now.

 

 

 

I probably

[hexaemeron]

I find it very interesting that everyone's labeling the OP's wife as some horrible monster, when the OP basically admits to getting married and completely collapsing in on himself mentally, emotionally and financially. He practically admits that he just expected that no matter what he did do, or didn't do, that as long as he focused on what he considered the good things, then it was fine. Let's take a look, shall we?

 

1.) Wasn't working = no money and dependence + depression

2.) Introverted further = harder to find a job and further reliance on the spouse for all human interaction (This is very tiresome, from personal experience)

3.) Low sex drive = How on Earth was she supposed to feel bonded to this man given this plus items 1 and 2?

 

Frankly, OP, and no offense intended, I'm honestly amazed something like this didn't happen sooner. I'm not saying what your wife did/is doing is right (because it's not), but outside of the fairy tale of "in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer", this is what happens when one of the people in a relationship or marriage just... craters in life.

 

I don't think you can get her back because the damage has been done on both sides. I think you really need to focus on becoming a whole, independent, thriving, functional human being with friends and desires and aspirations all your own. Discover life and everything it has for you. Learn from this as best you can.

 

I hope this helps.

[chitown9]

 

I also want to go into without a hot head and not be able to think clearly about what I want to do and get out of this. I wish my meeting with counselor wasn't until mid-week of next week, because I kind of think I need to talk to a completely neutral party and have their professional advice.

 

 

YES. I am so glad you see this. Be patient unitil your meeting with the counselor. There is a huge payoff by doing this.

[tresqua]

I find it very interesting that everyone's labeling the OP's wife as some horrible monster, when the OP basically admits to getting married and completely collapsing in on himself mentally, emotionally and financially.

 

hex several of your posts especially as of late are all about blaming the op for the problems in the relationship.

 

While I agree with you here to some extent, that the Op's untreated mental conditions are probably the "cause" of many of the problems, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating, and an EA qualifies as cheating.

 

If his wife is unhappy, she can 1) approach him and discuss the problems and her disatisfaction and suggest that they work towards fixing it or 2) she can file for divorce and LEAVE.

 

Yet she takes the cowardly way out of the cheater so she can have her life just as it's always been, safe and secure, without the inconvenience of divorce and possible loss of money and assets AND have some guy on the side.

 

THAT is what makes her "a monster" in my book.

[jfly]

Yes, it is painful to face up to your own flaws and realize you let yourself get to such a point without pushing yourself out of it. So, yes I do see this as a wake-up call that will force me to make an effort to achieve my own happiness, get out of my comfort zone, and become a fuller person on my own, without a doubt and confront issues.

 

At this point I'm not under the illusion I can or want to get her back. Right now, I'm not trying to look too far ahead, honestly and just do small things to get me back on track to my normal self and stronger and wiser.

[jfly]

hex several of your posts especially as of late are all about blaming the op for the problems in the relationship.

 

While I agree with you here to some extent, that the Op's untreated mental conditions are probably the "cause" of many of the problems, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating, and an EA qualifies as cheating.

 

If his wife is unhappy, she can 1) approach him and discuss the problems and her disatisfaction and suggest that they work towards fixing it or 2) she can file for divorce and LEAVE.

 

Yet she takes the cowardly way out of the cheater so she can have her life just as it's always been, safe and secure, without the inconvenience of divorce and possible loss of money and assets AND have some guy on the side.

 

THAT is what makes her "a monster" in my book.

 

I don't know, at this point, a large part of me believes she is a 'monster' and 'horrible' person, for not doing either of those things. I'm a very decent loving guy, who just happened to get into a major rut, we shared alot of happy moments together over almost 10 years, and at the very least I deserved her to come to me and tell me that she's sick of me and not just string me along. That I could respect. It'd still be painful, but at least it would have been honest and shown character.

 

Right now I am only thinking about myself and my future. I'll talk to my counselor next week and after that talk to her.