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my wife is having an emotional affair.. do I have any hope of getting her back?

jfly

By jfly
in Infidelity

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jfly Newbie

jfly

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Yeah, I did come to that conclusion after being not sure for awhile. It's been very hard to be patient, as you can imagine. But I think it was smart to wait and collect my thoughts and start feeling more confident and assured about myself again... I can't wait to talk to the counselor, 5 days seems so long right now and I'll talk to the wife after...

 

Having all this time to myself this week has been incredibly self-empowering. It's allowed me to think things through and forcing me to be honest to myself about things. Talking about things with people has also been immensely helpful. One friend related his painful story about how he came back from a trip to India he took as a self-awakening journey (that his wife backed him up on emotionally) and when he got back to the airport he knew something was wrong. Four weeks later he was divorced, his wife had been cheating on him w/ his BF for years. He was in pain for months and lost 30 lbs. He said "it's amazing how people can just be so hurtful."

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RobD70 Apprentice

RobD70

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This situation is very textbook “walk-away-wife” and it is an EA so you have to treat it as such.

 

First, this is NOT your fault. Many people blame themselves for their spouse’s affairs and this causes them to take a soft approach to the affair which is huge mistake. You can’t “nice” a spouse out of an affair. You can be the perfect husband and it won’t matter one lick, once the affair starts it takes a life of its own and being “nice and understanding” ends up enabling the affair.

 

Second, you need to tell the other man’s wife what you know. That is important and you’ll regret not doing it in the future if you don’t. This will help bring the affair into the light which helps kill it.

 

Also, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that it would work out between your wife and the other guy. The affair is a fantasy that will die soon after seeing reality. No matter how great they think the other person is they are both dealing with people who are cheating on their spouses while they are cheating themselves. This makes a weak foundation for a relationship and adds to the fact it’s also technically a rebound relationship (from their spouses) then you have a recipe for failure.

 

The best approach is focus on yourself and take an indifferent attitude towards the wife. Avoid communication and ignore her attempts to communicate unless it’s important. Look into filing divorce papers and when you do talk to her don’t be emotional and act like you’ll be fine without her. Tell her you think it’s best if you get a divorce then be cold and business-like as possible.

 

This will do a couple of things. It will show you have backbone and not allow yourself to be disrespected. It will also start to wake her up to the reality of losing you for good and make her evaluate what she really wants. Don’t expect anything major to happen overnight but in the next couple of months I’m betting she’ll come around.

 

She has to miss you and feel what it’s going to be like to lose you before she even thinks about giving up the affair. If you try to make it work and force her into counseling then she’ll just end up resenting you. She has to WANT to work on the marriage first and if she doesn’t then you forcing the issue will just backfire on you.

 

I found the best way to save a marriage is to stop trying to save it. When you get dumped or cheated on, it’s up to them to win you back since they did wrong, not you. You just back away and let them see what life is like without you. In the mean time you work on yourself and work on emotionally detaching so you will be prepared for whatever happens.

 

Don’t think asking for a divorce is going overboard, it’s not and don’t think just because you file for a divorce you have to go through with it. It’s a show of strength which is what you need to do because any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

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jfly Newbie

jfly

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Thanks for the reply. Here is an update after 3 weeks. I ended up telling her I knew about the guy (on the phone a week later). She felt awful she said and felt like a "terrible person". However, she still kept seeing him -- she said they kissed a week later. Shortly after that, she said on the phone that he was talking to his wife now, and seemed like maybe she was unsure about the relationship with him. Not even sure there what the hell is going on... she hasn't been telling me much.

 

Overall, I've been pretty aloof... even if I feel like I'm missing her, I'll refrain from contacting her. So, it's just been a couple of phone calls, a couple emails,and one meeting in person. She said she wants to keep seeing each other, like once a week or something. Just to talk or stay friendly or whatever. I'm still not sure what to think of that. Part of me still wants to see her, another part feels like disconnecting for awhile. I have been emotionally detaching myself, as you said, to prepare for whatever happens.... and also just working on myself, starting to get back to feeling whole again and independent. Yes, I just do feel like not trying to "save" it now, either. She doesn't indicate that she wants to get back together now, as well. Maybe, in time she will. Maybe not. But right now it would just seem kind of strange to force it.

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turnera Newbie

turnera

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You have one chance ONLY of keeping your wife. You do that by being STRONG and saying you will NOT share your wife with another man. You tell her that you cannot control her, and you wouldn't try, but she has to make a decision - either never see him again or you will divorce her.

 

Period.

 

See, she NEEDS to see this side of you. You have been failing in so many regards that you no longer have any appeal for her. You're not a real man. A real man gets what he wants (like, maybe, the other guy?). You, on the other hand, are tiptoeing around her so as not to piss her off. How appealing is that?

 

She needs to hear NOW, that she has one chance to keep you in her life. She has to decide you or him. And you will act accordingly.

 

And if she refuses, the very first thing you do is call his wife and tell her what he is doing. The second thing you do is call your wife's parents AND this 'friend' she spilled her guts to, and inform them that she is choosing to honor another man over her husband. Acknowledge your faults, but make it clear you are not stepping outside the marriage. Ask them to support your MARRIAGE by letting her know they will not support any relationship she has with a man gotten from an affair. She needs to hear them say that they are not pleased.

 

Then step back, work on fixing yourself, and make plans to leave her (and make sure she SEES you making these plans). This is the only chance you have to save your marriage.

 

btw, the odds of them only being in an EA are VERY VERY slim.

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jfly Newbie

jfly

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Considering the history, and no offense OP, but I'm pretty sure her family and friends would welcome her finding someone else, regardless of the methods.

 

Well, I don't take offense, considering you are only assessing everything based on a few random posts and looking back at my original post I see that I was, quite obviously, bearing all the brunt for things falling apart. Having some time to step back and analyze things and talking in depth w/ a counselor, I can see how we both were at fault, although I don't feel like ruminating on all the details right now. And ours is not a unique case. Basically, there are stages all couples go in a long-term relationship, as documented by the relationship institute. Look it up. Stage 3 is where resentments begin to form if unchecked, which leads to Stage 4 where both couples disengage emotionally and physically and an affair is ripe to occur.

 

So, to respond to your post -- your reasoning is a little bit naive and way off base. Obviously, all of our friends and family are extremely surprised and concerned. Many of them, we've surprisingly learned, have been through the exact same experience and are still together.

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asdf02932093 Newbie

asdf02932093

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Wow people are being slightly apathetic.

 

It does seem clear that you love this woman, even if only in a companionate sense at this point.

 

However, it is clear from the fact that she "still ended up kissing him next week" that her commitment and intimacy (i.e. closeness/connection rather than passion) with you does not outweigh her desires for a more passionate relationship. She does not seem (and this is totally a guess) like such a horrific monster that she would pass you up simply for an upgraded model (lets pretend she sees this new man as such) but rather only continues the cheating because you are practically acquiescing by giving her space.

 

You cannot (and I am sure you do not) expect her to fall more in love with you simply out of guilt. If anything, it will tear you apart more, even if she does truly feel guilty that she hurt someone she loved so much. I think the only course of action (if you do wish to salvage this relationship) is to have a discussion with her, in person, about how you recognize how you have contributed to the deterioration of the passion in the relationship, but that she is the love of your life, and that you are willing to put your heart and soul into giving her everything she wants (this is if you truly still want to be with her.) She is infatuated with this man because he provides her with some things you do not, so you have to counter that by showing you are capable of providing the same benefits. Further you have to acknowledge that you aren't happy she is seeking solace with another man, you understand how she got there, and want to move past it.

 

It takes a cold-blooded person to simply discard a long-term companion for another that "rates slightly higher" unless there are fatal underlying flaws which are not being addressed. Unless you take an active role in this, I would suggest immediate divorce (you have no children so this is an easy option) and start your life anew before you get too old for this to be practical. However, like I said before, it seems like you still love this woman, but you just let your emotional issues cloud your relationship empathy/intuition for a long time.

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turnera Newbie

turnera

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asdf, that would work, if it weren't for the PEA chemicals flowing through her body from the affair - the same chemicals that convince people they're in love when they're dating, and they're on cloud 9. It truly IS a drug. She is a drug addict right now, and all she cares about is getting her next fix of OM. I've seen people throw away their kids, their jobs, their homes, their families, just to get to keep the affair partner. The only true solution is to remove the OM from the equation so she can go through withdrawal and let the PEA chemicals wash out of her body.

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jfly Newbie

jfly

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Here's a quick update. We've had some more substantial talks since I last wrote, talking about everything openly. Apparently, it seems, my leaving my wife, meant she (and I guess this other dude) had to now really think about what they wanted, since they couldn't just casually go on with things like they had been, with no pressure. She ended up confiding with me that she also needed to do some soul-searching and figure out what she really wanted in life -- she told me she had stopped seeing the other guy and wasn't eating lunch with him anymore. The other guy apparently is trying to sort s**t out with his wife. So, we are not talking about reconciliation or anything like that. We are meeting once a week, and in communication. I was reading alot of the posts on here in the getting back together forum, and getting alot of interesting insight. Alot of the conclusions I am coming up with on my own are reflected in what people who have been thru it before are saying is the best approach. That is, become comfortable and happy as your own independent person. Do not make the mistake of wanting to get back into a relationship right away.

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RobD70 Apprentice

RobD70

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So, we are not talking about reconciliation or anything like that. We are meeting once a week, and in communication. I was reading alot of the posts on here in the getting back together forum, and getting alot of interesting insight.

This sounds like a good idea BUT it kind of keeps you on the line and takes away some of her motivation. She thinks she will get her feelings back by proxy but that doesn’t work. She won’t feel any passion for you again until she thinks you will leave her for good.

 

I’d suggest cancelling the meetings and find something to keep you busy and cut out as much communication as possible. Give her the impression you are losing interest in her and have an indifferent attitude so she will start to panic.

 

The person who cares the least about the relationship, controls it.

 

Alot of the conclusions I am coming up with on my own are reflected in what people who have been thru it before are saying is the best approach. That is, become comfortable and happy as your own independent person. Do not make the mistake of wanting to get back into a relationship right away.
Very true, you will be most attractive when you become independent and don’t appear to need/want her anymore.
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jfly Newbie

jfly

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Yeah, it's really confusing. Part of me feels like I'm not even sure what I'm getting out of meeting that one time a week. I guess the conversation is more interesting since we aren't with each other every day and doing our own things separately , but I don't know if that means too much, really -- does it? I have been cutting out communication as much as possible, aside from our weekly meetings.

 

This sounds like a good idea BUT it kind of keeps you on the line and takes away some of her motivation. She thinks she will get her feelings back by proxy but that doesn’t work. She won’t feel any passion for you again until she thinks you will leave her for good.

 

I’d suggest cancelling the meetings and find something to keep you busy and cut out as much communication as possible. Give her the impression you are losing interest in her and have an indifferent attitude so she will start to panic.

 

The person who cares the least about the relationship, controls it.

 

Very true, you will be most attractive when you become independent and don’t appear to need/want her anymore.

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