Struggling with how to be a good friend

[Daligal83]

I have two very good friends at work. The girl I've known for a long time. We met four years ago when I got my first job..we worked together. I left that job for another and then she gave me the information about our current job when she started working there. So we have some history. The guy I met at this job and we clicked immediately and became good friends.

 

There is so much drama between these two that I don't know to deal with it. The guy ® has a girlfriend and has since I met him. This girl has a lot of mental health and addiction issues. She's extremely insecure and doesn't trust him. She had a huge problem with us being friends even though I had a boyfriend when we met. She relapsed in the beginning of the year and has been out of town in a sober living facility. She should be coming back at the end of the summer.

 

R and the girl (P) have had this affair going on since like October or something. It started off with a lot of flirting and led to inappropriate text messages. It was an emotional affair turned physical. I've known about it all along and STRONGLY disapprove. I was ridiculously upset when I first heard that he was hitting on her because I didn't peg him for that kind of guy. P resisted for awhile but eventually gave in. He kept telling her he's in love with her. He would tell me he was in love with her too. R broke up with his ex for a few weeks after she relapsed, but they got back together. They continued the affair through the whole thing basically. They each give me different stories but it seems like P would tell him to stop and he would briefly and then he'd start things up again.

 

Recently it's all come to a head. R decided to tell his girlfriend about the emotional part but not the physical. It was much more emotional than physical...but still. He and P used to have cubicles accross from each other and now he has moved to a different part of the office. P is now left heartbroken. She is a mess. She swears that she didn't really want to be with him up until recently and now is so in love with him. She can barely work or function at this point.

 

I'm having a hard time being a supportive friend to either one of them. P talks to me about it much more than R, but R will too at times. I think they both made a horrible choice and I have a hard time feeling bad for either one of them. I know the pain she is feeling of being heartbroken...but a large part of me says that's what happens when you get involved with someone in a relationship. She keeps comparing herself to the girlfriend and is upset that he chose her while she is so dysfunctional. Again...I don't know how to be a supportive friend to her when all I really want to say is, you shouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place. I've said it in little nicer ways, but it doesn't do anything. And she can't talk about much else right now so it's a constant issue. Any advice?

[RelaxByWater84]

From what I have experienced it seems like this situation is one that you are just going to have to sit back and let it run its course. It will probably be hard for you. I also wanted to add this: Don't let them put you into the middle of their problem, they are grown up and will have to figure it out on their own. Is their behavior affecting anyone else in the office??

[Daligal83]

It's affecting people in that the dynamic has definitely changed. A lot. There's more tension there, but not everyone knows what's going on. And R moved upstairs, which is just sad. It's just not the same. I mean I still hang out with him at work and outside of work...at least until his girlfriend comes back. Then that will end I'm sure. He told me yesterday that he and P are talking again, but P worked from home again so we'll see how things really are tomorrow.

[bulletproof]

I know the pain she is feeling of being heartbroken...

 

That's really the only part that matters. Being friends with someone is easy when they do things we like. It's the type of situation you describe that is the hard part. If you can be the bigger person and be there for her in as genuine a way as possible, then great. If not, maybe keep your distance. But definitely refrain from I-told-you-so's, because they are just going to hurt your friendship.

 

Regarding the guy in this scenario, maybe distance from him in general is good, especially since he has a mentally unstable gf who isn't a huge fan of his female friends. That alone would turn me off of a potential friendship with someone.

[Daligal83]

Well if I would stop being friends with him, I think it would also apply to the girl as well. She's choosing to be involved in that situation. I guess they are talking again. I'm sure it'll go back to what they were doing before they started fighting. It's just so hard to when I am so strongly opposed to it all. I think if it starts up again I'm just going to tell them I don't want to hear it.

 

I did do what you said. I was just a friend to her. Although the times she started comparing herself to the girlfriend and getting mad saying "why does he think she's better than me" I would remind her that SHE is his girlfriend and she was there first. That it has nothing to do with who is better. She was his choice before she was ever in the picture.