Bluesman89 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 How can I tell her there is nothing there when I told her last night that I really liked her and felt we had a connection.. And I meant that of course.. However it seems that the only way she'll let me kiss or be intimate with her is if it's a casual thing.. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 How can I tell her there is nothing there when I told her last night that I really liked her and felt we had a connection.. And I meant that of course.. However it seems that the only way she'll let me kiss or be intimate with her is if it's a casual thing.. I just don't know what to do. Oh, no I mean tell yourself there's nothing there. Not tell her that. You don't need to repaeat everything you already said to her she heard you now just let her think about it and make up her mind. Her actions will tell you what she's okay with. Even if you can't stop dwelling on what's been said and done don't take her back and make her dwell on it with you. Just let it be and move forward. Of course if she asks you if you meant what you said before answer her and be truthful, but don't be the one to bring it up. If you feel the same when she gets back and you have the chance to kiss her just go for it. The worst that could happen is she could stop you and say that you really need to just be friends....but at least then you'll know. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Ah guys... I have been feeling extremely down since waking up this morning. I barely even slept.. I have just been overcome by a mixture of torturous feelings.. Jealousy is one (I'm wondering why this other ''one night stand guy'' got intimate with her yet I am having so much trouble).. I want this too.. and i just can't help but feel hurt and like there is something wrong with me. I think I should have just gone ahead and kissed her the other night.. The regret is killing me. If I continue on being this nice, considerate guy around her.. then I feel she is never going to let me get close to her. I want to go and talk to her when she gets back and tell her something like this; ''I've been thinking and I agree with what you said the other night. I understand you probably don't want anything serious right now, but I like you and we have a great time together. So let's just enjoy each other's company while we can''. I think that's a nice way of saying that I am okay with having something casual with her.. What do you think about me saying that?? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Don't regret anything about this experience. You've gone further than you ever have before. This is a major victory. A great stepping stone experience. None of us come out knowing how to do this from the start. That's why people who fall in love with their high school sweetheart and live happily ever after are so rare. I think LoveSoDeep has given you some really good advice. I think the points you want to get accross to her, without actually saying the words, are that you really like her, you're okay if it's short term, you just want to hold her (kiss her, crave intimacy), and you're not looking to have sex with her (use her and abuse her). I don't know if there are standard words or phrases I can give you to get that accross to her, but if you can keep those points in the back of your mind, you can design what you say to her to give her that impression. Coming out and saying you crave intimacy, whether you tell her it's only kissing and no sex or not, will NOT sound good to her. You have to make subtle points in your conversation. This may be tough to maneuver, but your conversation skills have already been on a steep learning curve lately. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 I just regret being the 'nice guy'. I should have caught on earlier that this was a dangerous approach.. Can't help but feel that I have doomed myself. And that she doesn't want me... due to me not being aggressive enough.. In my mind I have just been playing the worst case scenario when she gets back tomorrow. Like she will avoid me or start ignoring me.. If she does that it will truly be rubbing salt in my wounds. But yeah if I do manage to sit down with her and talk I will do my best to explain to her what I want.. Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 There's a difference btwn being a nice guy and one that overthinks and isn't assertive. There are many 'nice' guys who lead really fulfilling lives. What separates one from the other is having a backbone and believing in oneself. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 There's a difference btwn being a nice guy and one that overthinks and isn't assertive. There are many 'nice' guys who lead really fulfilling lives. What separates one from the other is having a backbone and believing in oneself. The only thing I was not assertive with was the kiss... I thought I made some very bold moves. And I don't see how she could possibly have been able to tell I was over-thinking anything. I know what it is. It appears to me that you are not supposed to show consideration for a girls feelings these days..... otherwise you are less of a man and uncapable of a satisfying relationship. I think my poring my heart out the other night is what permanently sealed the hatch on it all. I feel all of her words were just an act. I should have just kissed her when we sat down in the living room. Oh my god, I know this'll just be another painful regret story for the books. I am so down right now. Link to comment
Shudder Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 i have never asked a girl permission to kiss her. if you feel like doing it just do it. either she wont like it or it could escalate. only one way to find out. this one night stand guy you are feeling jealous about probably made some moves on her with confidence and didnt ask her permission for anything Link to comment
dali Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Ah yes the old.... would of, should of, could off! Heard it all before man, basically just grow a set and stop over thinking. Try and get over any insecurities you have. I don't know why you would pour your heart out to a girl you like straight away, it just kills the attraction. Sounds like you come accross as very emotional and needy. Yes being nice to that point is not good, in-fact its a turn off. Nice is what people describe friends as not people they are romantically interested in. Doesn't mean be a ASS though, but if you go for a kiss doesn't mean your disrespecting her. Moral of the story be yourself but grow a set so you don't find yourself on here regretting past mistakes. No point sitting in a dark room sobbing, move on to the next challenge because self pity and loathing gets pathetic after awhile. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Right I got the impression today that things aren't dead yet.. I'll let you guys be the judge of that. Anyway she arrived back this afternoon. I did not go out to say hi to her but my mom asked her if she'd like to join us on a small family get together. She said she wanted to come. So eventually as we were leaving we came into contact with each other. She was quiet at first but after I said hi and asked her about the trip we were talking away just as we had done before. I sat next to her in the car and she was quite talkative indeed. Certainly wasn't one way convo. Also one thing to note.. I noticed she had an odd reaction when I metioned to her that this girl who I had played at the same venue with in the past had recently asked if I would do some street performing with her. After telling her this she barely said anything and kind of went silent for a bit. Is this a good sign do you think? Perhaps she hitthe realisation that I have other options. Anyway I sai I would show her this DVD later on (gig footage which I only recieved this weekend). So I am goig to get her to watch it with me after dinner. When we sit down, most likely before starting the DVD, I am going to say this to her; "Listen I don't want you to be concerned about hurting me. I realise that things can only be short term but any amount of time with you is worthwhile to me". I will then try and kiss her. How's that sound?? Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Oh she's jealous haha. Yeah say that (in a confident voice) look her in the eye and like kiss her JUST A KISS lol You're not asking her hand in marriage. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Well she sat beside me at dinner.. However when I asked her if she'd like to watch the DVD afterwards she told me she had work to do?? So I just said ''okay well just let me know when you want to watch it".. She only barely gave me a response to that.. What's going on?! Yes, it is a fact she has college work to do, but she said herself it's not due till near the end of the week.. She has never declined to watch a DVD with me before this.. I hate this.. What's going on?? Is she afraid of me now?? Link to comment
DanDee Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Start becoming more unavailable and let her come to you instead of the other way around. Pull back a bit and I'll guarantee she'll pay more interest. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Why should I have to play silly games though? I'll try and do what you suggest, but it's hard to do that while living in the same house.. Link to comment
DanDee Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I don't see it as 'playing games' per se... It's just human nature to want something when it's less available. Try it, there's nothing to lose, for example you could lessen the amount of invites to watch DVDs? Still be your usual friendly self when you see her though. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 I don't see it as 'playing games' per se... It's just human nature to want something when it's less available. Try it, there's nothing to lose, for example you could lessen the amount of invites to watch DVDs? Still be your usual friendly self when you see her though. The problem is though, I need to tell her what I had planned to say to her in order for her to know I am not after a full blown relationship. This is what she still assumes I want.. and until she knows I am okay with something short term I don't think she is going to have any interest in me. The point of the DVD was so that I could tell her this; "Listen I don't want you to be concerned about hurting me. I realise that things can only be short term but any amount of time with you is worthwhile to me". I don't think pulling back is going to do any good unless I have told her the above first.. Link to comment
iBroken Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 What makes you think she thinks you want a relationship with her? Just go in for the kiss. Link to comment
superfox Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 What makes you think she thinks you want a relationship with her? Just go in for the kiss. Agree. You're overthinking this waaaaaaaaay too much Blues! You're getting heavy already. Don't spill out about LDR'S or short term relationships or having a fling or whatever. Just enjoy what happens if anything does! It's all a bonus. And NEVER EVER ask a girl if you can kiss them, it relly is very offputting, trust me, you'll know when you can. Just get closer to her face and you'll read the signs. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 What makes you think she thinks you want a relationship with her? Just go in for the kiss. Post #59, page 6 Link to comment
superfox Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Post #59, page 6 My bad, sorry, missed that. Ok, so she's worried that you're like all the other guys who trot out the same lines. Actions speak louder than words. Prove to her that you are who you say you are. To be honest here, I'm wondering whether it might be an idea to talk to her about your lack of experience with girls? It's giving her respect, opening yourself up, showing her who you are and worst case scenario - she's going home in 3 weeks. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 My bad, sorry, missed that. Ok, so she's worried that you're like all the other guys who trot out the same lines. Actions speak louder than words. Prove to her that you are who you say you are. To be honest here, I'm wondering whether it might be an idea to talk to her about your lack of experience with girls? It's giving her respect, opening yourself up, showing her who you are and worst case scenario - she's going home in 3 weeks. Okay but I can't do this if she won't sit down with me alone. She declined my invitation to watch a dvd today, so now I fear she is just going to constantly avoid being alone with me. Link to comment
superfox Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Okay but I can't do this if she won't sit down with me alone. She declined my invitation to watch a dvd today, so now I fear she is just going to constantly avoid being alone with me. Give her space then, she's obviously not in a good place right now, let her come to you however long it takes. Link to comment
Bluesman89 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Give her space then, she's obviously not in a good place right now, let her come to you however long it takes. But what if doing that makes it worse and distances her further? See she very well could be unsure of whether or not she can trust me. However she also told me the other night (as mentioned in post 59) that she doesn't want to 'hurt me'.. So I think she may be worried I am getting too attached to her. I also failed to mention that on that night (during that convo) she said ''I just don't want you pining for me when I leave''. So I think she may instead be concerned I am getting too attached to her.. So I want to try and expel these thoughts of hers and make clear that I am happy to just have something casual and short term with her... This is so complicated... I wish it bloody wasn't. I don't even sleep at night it's so damn frustrating. Link to comment
fourty6and2 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I think you are on the right path. Getting slowly close to each other is the way to start a relationship.I'm talking both sexually and emotionally. When you've put your arm on her shoulder, she did come closer, so this gave me the feeling that she does want you close too. If she leaned on you a little then she is already into you. I think she already knows you like her, and if you keep being gentle like this you will succeed. As an advice I could tell you to keep up the confidence and don't over analyse yourself or her. Don't over think. Girls like it when boys are confident. I really think this is going to work out for you. When the right moment comes for kissing you will feel it.I would like a short 3 to 5 second kiss for the firs time, and I would't pull away immediately. The more relaxed you are about everything the better things turn out to be. Good luck!!! PS. How long is she going to stay at your house? Will she go back some day? Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 The pull push thing is part of human interaction. It does work. Don't be all up in her face (lol not literally) give her space, give her time to think and like start to miss you. Link to comment
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