I think she was expecting a kiss... Do I have another chance?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I acknowledge that it would be best for me to try forget about her but facebook is a curse in that regard..

 

She sent me a message immediately after she arrived home, saying she got back safe and that she misses Ireland already. It was nice to receive that from her but since we begun exchanging a few messages after that I have found myself going into obsessive mode again.. Except I'm analyzing my emails this time, instead of my words and actions.. For example I have not heard back after I sent my last mesage to her 9 hours ago and i'm constantly re-reading the message..

 

So it seems even now that she is gone from my home, I will still be unable to recover and forget.

 

Delete her frorm facebook then.

 

The thing is, you do have autonomy over what you choose to do (or don't do). You're not a victim, you're not passive, you can make choices. And staying in touch with her is probably not healthy for you.

[Bluesman89]

We are still in touch.

 

She's making more of an effort than me it seems. I didn't respond to her last fb message to me, but she sent me another one today. I am on holiday and she was asking me about it. She said she has decided on the month that she will be returning to Ireland on, next year. She's coming back here to do a years study.

 

I'd like to think there's still potential for something.. What do you think? My feelngs for her are still as strong as ever btw..

[Shudder]

A year is a long time. if I were you I wouldn't sit around waiting

[Bluesman89]

Yes it is.

 

But I'll put it this way. I look in the mirror everyday and I don't see a guy who has options..

[magnoliatree]

Hun, it sound like she's just being friendly. She's given you no reason to think that she's coming back with the intention of starting a relationship with you (or even interested romantically at this point) and I'm sure that if she knew that you were planning on waiting for her for a year, she'd be a little confused and freaked out. Her sending you a message is the normal friendly thing to do. Don't read into this at all.

[Bluesman89]

Well okay that may very well be the case, but my point still stands. Considering my 22 yrs of a non existent dating life or sexual experience this girl really is the best chance I have. She is my only option at getting into a satisfying relationship..

 

A lot of you people may not understand because you really don't know what it is like to be in my shoes. Try being the bottom of the food chain for 22yrs with complete lack of sexual contact or romantic relationships and then brushing this encounter off like it was nothing and 'moving on'.

 

There is no moving on for someone like me, understand? Even though it would be nice to be able to taste the luxery of having endless options..

[bulletproof]

Well okay that may very well be the case, but my point still stands. Considering my 22 yrs of a non existent dating life or sexual experience this girl really is the best chance I have. She is my only option at getting into a satisfying relationship..

 

A lot of you people may not understand because you really don't know what it is like to be in my shoes. Try being the bottom of the food chain for 22yrs with complete lack of sexual contact or romantic relationships and then brushing this encounter off like it was nothing and 'moving on'.

 

There is no moving on for someone like me, understand? Even though it would be nice to be able to taste the luxery of having endless options..

 

First of all, your "dating life" has not been 22 years, unless you were dating in diapers. It's been maybe six or seven years, depending on when you became interested in girls.

 

Secondly, you are simply going to continue to get the same advice: there is nothing wrong with your looks. It's your BDD and your negativity that is the issue. This girl feels like the only option because you do nothing to create more options. This girl was basically delivered to your doorstep. You didn't even have to leave the house. So until you are willing to make real change in your life, you will continue to be unhappy. Having a good life is work.

[Bluesman89]

First of all, your "dating life" has not been 22 years, unless you were dating in diapers. It's been maybe six or seven years, depending on when you became interested in girls.

 

Secondly, you are simply going to continue to get the same advice: there is nothing wrong with your looks. It's your BDD and your negativity that is the issue. This girl feels like the only option because you do nothing to create more options. This girl was basically delivered to your doorstep. You didn't even have to leave the house. So until you are willing to make real change in your life, you will continue to be unhappy. Having a good life is work.

Create options? What does that mean?

 

I simply don't get interest from women I am attracted to. There have been only three occasions in my life where this has happened, the most recent being this girl my thread is about...

[bulletproof]

Create options? What does that mean?

 

I simply don't get interest from women I am attracted to. There have been only three occasions in my life where this has happened, the most recent being this girl my thread is about...

 

Creating options is something that a lot of people have advised you about in numerous threads. It means you have to leave your house, socialize, make friends, get active in your community somehow, so that you are constantly meeting potential dates. If you are not getting interest from women, then you need to figure out why and fix it. From the looks of this thread, the reason you are not getting interest is that you are very unhappy with yourself and become instantly needy. People can figure this out pretty quickly and they usually don't want to take that on. A relationship should be mutual. There usually cannot be one very needy partner and one secure partner, and it can also fail with two very needy individuals.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Read this thread, read your extreme ups and downs, read your own tortured prose and how she wasn't interested in you when she was in the country. Read your anguish and pain. Then seriously ask yourself if you want to wait around for a year for someone who wasn't romantically interested in you.

 

You're a nice looking boy, but no one can convince you of that.

[Shady2003]

Winner mentality = I will take risks and learn from them. I will deal with what I've been given in this world and make the most out of it. I understand that there are average AND below average guys with smoking hot girlfriends who gain attraction by expressing their personalities well with girls.

 

There are many girls in this world and you can have fun by learning from each experience with them whether they reject you or scare you or find you super hot. LEARN from what you've experienced with this girl and move on to the next girl to LEARN something else. Sorry but I do not believe that the only girl in this whole world who will talk to you happens to be this one who arrived from another country and stayed at your house. What are the odds? You'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.

 

Now step up, go meet girls, go speak to every girl you see (politely/genuinely) if you like for heaven's sake, be a man, take risks, learn, share your personality and expect NOTHING in return.

You'll then succeed.

 

Peace out and good luck brother

[capuccino83]

Well okay that may very well be the case, but my point still stands. Considering my 22 yrs of a non existent dating life or sexual experience this girl really is the best chance I have. She is my only option at getting into a satisfying relationship..

 

A lot of you people may not understand because you really don't know what it is like to be in my shoes. Try being the bottom of the food chain for 22yrs with complete lack of sexual contact or romantic relationships and then brushing this encounter off like it was nothing and 'moving on'.

 

There is no moving on for someone like me, understand? Even though it would be nice to be able to taste the luxery of having endless options..

 

Your argument is completely illogical. A few years as a teenager = even less years as an adult. When you were a kid, I doubt you were dating. As a pre-teen, interest in the opposite sex isn't really serious. Teenage to about 20 is varied for a lot of people - some develop really quickly, other really slowly. There's nothing wrong with this.. it's as is. I think that REAL life experiences begin around 20/21... although I'd say even older for some. I really didn't feel like I began to really become a grown up until I was 23 or 24. So, really, considering your 2 or 3 years of non-existant dating life, it isn't that bad.

 

Listen.. I was a really late bloomer. I didn't get my first real relationship until I was 24. Now I'm 28, and I'm on my third one with a whole bunch of short term dating in between. So in terms of dating life, 4 years in my mid-20s > first 24 years of being alive. You are 22 now.. rather than focus these 22 years that didn't matter, realize that now you are an adult with other adults, and the decision you will be making now are much more crucial to your future than those that you were making when you were a teenager.

[Bluesman89]

Read this thread, read your extreme ups and downs, read your own tortured prose and how she wasn't interested in you when she was in the country. Read your anguish and pain. Then seriously ask yourself if you want to wait around for a year for someone who wasn't romantically interested in you.

 

You're a nice looking boy, but no one can convince you of that.

She said she didn't want a long distance relationship. She also said that had she met me a few months later than she did (it was 2 months since she'd left her ex), things may have turned out different with us.

 

Whether the above was the truth or not, doesn't really matter. Fact is.. she is wanting to remain in contact and is clearly being proactive and taking equal initiative in that regard.. so for now I'll assume she hasn't ruled me out..

 

Again, I deeply wish I had options and had another girl to help me forget about this one.. but I don't.

 

Now I have a question and would appreciate your opinions.. I am a bit concerned because she hasn't sent me a message back after I responded to her last one to me.. It's been three days and I can see on fb that she has been online.. I am worried I may have offended her or said something wrong. See she told me in her last message that she was planning on teaching english in a foreign country for half a year in order to get some extra cash for her study over here next year. Well I stupidly asked her if she had been to that country before.. Thing is she had told me before that Ireland was the first place she had visited outside the US... So now I am worried that she got offended and thought that I wasn't listening to her before when she told me that...

 

Is this something that would cause offense and put a person off do you think??

[BlueMilk]

*Facepalms*

 

You're not very good at listening to advice are you?

[Bluesman89]

Look can someone answer my above question? Could what I said be a potential turn off? I am really feeling stressed out about it now.. How could I ask her such a stupid question..

[Capricorn3]

Now I have a question and would appreciate your opinions.. I am worried I may have offended her or said something wrong. See she told me in her last message that she was planning on teaching english in a foreign country for half a year in order to get some extra cash for her study over here next year. Well I stupidly asked her if she had been to that country before.. Thing is she had told me before that Ireland was the first place she had visited outside the US... So now I am worried that she got offended and thought that I wasn't listening to her before when she told me that...

 

Is this something that would cause offense and put a person off do you think??

I don't see how that could be offensive to anyone. It's just a small miscommunication/misunderstanding. Offensive? Hardly.

[bulletproof]

 

Again, I deeply wish I had options and had another girl to help me forget about this one.. but I don't.

 

You do have options. You have to go out and find them. Why don't you want to change so that you do have options?

 

You also have to listen to what people are telling you instead of obsessing over facebook and whether one tiny question would put a girl off. It seems as though she is not interested in anything romantic and is now maintaining contact at a safe distance. Do you think she's sitting there agonizing over her questions/answers to you on facebook? I don't think she is. So why should you be doing it? Honestly, this is incredibly obsessive and unhealthy, in my opinion. Do you agree that this is not entirely healthy behavior?

[Bluesman89]

Yes I know it's not healthy but that's how I am. There's not much I can do about it.

 

Capricon, I have just always assumed that girls get particularly offended when a guy does not listen to her in conversation.. or remember things like that.

[penelope13]

Yes I know it's not healthy but that's how I am. There's not much I can do about it.

 

And this is where you are going wrong: there ARE things you can do about this, you are simply choosing not to.

[Bluesman89]

Guys I appreciate your advice and I know your intentions are good but I reall just need opinions as to whether what I said in my last message to her is likely to have put her off and caused her not to reply.

[orchidrose]

Guys I appreciate your advice and I know your intentions are good but I reall just need opinions as to whether what I said in my last message to her is likely to have put her off and caused her not to reply.

 

People have answered that. The answer is no.

[capuccino83]

Guys I appreciate your advice and I know your intentions are good but I reall just need opinions as to whether what I said in my last message to her is likely to have put her off and caused her not to reply.

 

She already told you that she wasn't interested. What you do or don't remember isn't going to miraculously change her mind, especially when these convos are conducted over facebook.

[superfox]

Bluesman. I thought i'd reply again instead of hitting my head against a brick wall although i know which is more fun!

HER -

1. When she messages you on FB, walk away and have a cup of tea instead of instantly replying, this way you can judge, write, rewrite, write again, scan for misunderstandings, delete and post a final draft you're happy with.

2. If she messages you on FB chat then, think - pause - think - write.

3. This is meant to be F-U-N not the love story of the century. You are not Heathcliffe, Mr Darcy, Rachel from Friends or any other big invented romantic hero. This is a guy and a girl just chatting.

 

YOUR LOOKS -

1. I will not pull you apart as a) i haven't the foggiest idea what you're complaining about and b) there's nowt wrong with you.

2. *if* it's acne (you mentioned this) then go and see your doctor. my teenager is on tablets which cleared his up in a fortnight. no spots, one less worry.

3. *if* it's your physique then change it. Working out will buff you up/slim you down (whatever the issue is) and release those happy chemicals which in return with your new improved body should cross another worry off your list.

 

YOU MENTALLY

1. We are not an alien race, we have the same worries and fears you do. do you worry if your bum looks too big? no.

2. This woman is not responsible for your future happiness. you are.

3. She is 3000 miles away, there are girls in Ireland too.

 

oh i give up, is it wine o'clock yet?!

[magnoliatree]

Guys I appreciate your advice and I know your intentions are good but I reall just need opinions as to whether what I said in my last message to her is likely to have put her off and caused her not to reply.

 

There is nothing to put off because she is not interested. She's not thinking about you or this situation very closely at all and is off living her life. Your message is not a priority to her and she will answer it when she remembers to or when she feels like it. Haven't you ever received an email from an acquaintance and not replied ASAP? That's what's going on here likely.

[bulletproof]

Guys I appreciate your advice and I know your intentions are good but I reall just need opinions as to whether what I said in my last message to her is likely to have put her off and caused her not to reply.

 

But you see- you don't need opinions. You *want* opinions, because you think opinions are going to magically quell the anxiety you feel. We have no idea whether your comment offended her or not. And honestly, I think that when people feed into your questions and try to answer them, they also feed your obsessions. Which by the way, your obsessiveness is not "just the way you are". It's treatable, and why you would want to continue torturing yourself this way is a mystery.