Online dating: why guys suddenly loose their interest? (chat example)

[PrettyGood]

I am beautiful, I am smart, my age is between 25-30. Well I think that I have perfect communication skills including my self-esteem and a sense of humour. I want to find a bf, so I created a short profile on dating site. I put 2-3 photos of myself where I smile and look my best.

 

I get 5/5 rating stars for those photos, I get a lot of letters from men, but most letters contains: winking eye symbol, waving hand symbol, or a simple 'hi'. The problem is that they write first, but then put ALL the communication on me and I feel like I'm the only one who is interested in asking something about them. Here's the standard:

 

HIM:

ME:

HIM: Hi

ME: Hi, how are you?

HIM: I'm fine (here I feel that they don't ask anything more)

ME: Glad to hear, me too

 

After that I feel the need to ask something more and here everything goes wrong:

 

ME: So can you tell me more about yourself? What do you do in your life? Do you have any hobbies?

HIM: I like going to the gym (again he doesn't ask anything about me)

 

So I am trying to tell him more about myself thinking if he would be more interested, but all the dating letters continues just asking them and they answer in 2-3 words on 1 sentence but they don't ask me. Some others write me their phone number and add: "Call me or write me if you wish". And others are just straightly asking: "Ok, I'm not interested in 30 days corresponding without reality, can we go to meet each other this evening?" WHAT? So in this way 70% of men who are writting me are not interested to tell me more about themselves. Does it mean that I do something wrong? Because I feel I do! How to make them be more interested in me? Ask something about me? Even if we correspond this way for 2-3 weeks I begin feel the need to meet them and they don't ask me out. It seems that I must do the dominant role and ask them out? No way

[annie24]

"Ok, I'm not interested in 30 days corresponding without reality, can we go to meet each other this evening?" WHAT?

 

I agree with this - though maybe just chat on the phone first as well. I think these guys are your best bet because they won't be time-wasters like the others.

[annie24]

ps - i found when i did online dating, most men who were serious asked me out within 4-6 e-mails. some even in the first e-mail. if they took longer than that, then i figured they were not interested in meeting in person.

[PrettyGood]

Well I'm not planning to correspond for one month either. I just want to ask some questions to make my opinion about them. What if they are some stalkers or worse? Am I wrong and paranoid too much? Because I don't want them to think of me that I am going with EVERY guy so easily when they need to ask me out? I need to feel safe when going to meet in reality... There's a risk. But they are just pushing you to go to meet them and they leave everything to destiny. So I'm more interested what do I do wrong in corresponding that they give me all the initiative to seek them and they do or ask nothing about me?

[annie24]

what sites are you using? i found i met some good quality men on eHarmony and link removed. I never had luck with the free sites. that's just me.

[DN]

Why can't you ask them out - what's wrong with that?

[mfan]

I think you should require them to demonstrate that they can write a cogent, communicative email before agreeing to talk to them on the phone or meet them in real life. With this simple test, you can eliminate a lot of crazy people and idiots.

 

If you think one of the "Hi." people has potential, put him to the test immediately. Tell him to write 3 paragraphs about himself and if he cannot do this, forget him.

[PrettyGood]

Why can't you ask them out - what's wrong with that?

 

I mean I thought that men should ask women out, in other words I think that men don't like dominant women... It would also mean that I should do everything else for them in life... they would get me too easily without asking and even without any effort. btw, would it mean that I should buy them drinks or something?

 

I think you should require them to demonstrate that they can write a cogent, communicative email before agreeing to talk to them on the phone or meet them in real life. With this simple test, you can eliminate a lot of crazy people and idiots. If you think one of the "Hi." people has potential, put him to the test immediately. Tell him to write 3 paragraphs about himself and if he cannot do this, forget him.

 

first of all, I don't give them my phone number. they just write their phone numbers in dating site email asking to call them when I want. I believe that they can give those numbers to too many girls (including me). I want to feel special. Btw, are you joking? You think that any of them would write me something longer if they can't even ask something about me in 1 sentence?

[superfox]

 

first of all, I don't give them my phone number. they just write their phone numbers in dating site email asking to call them when I want. I believe that they can give those numbers to too many girls (including me). I want to feel special. Btw, are you joking? You think that any of them would write me something longer if they can't even ask something about me in 1 sentence?

Well if they can't then put them on the 'no' pile! You're in control of the picking and choosing here

I'd put something in your profile along such lines tbh. I mentioned humour in mine and would get guys trying to tell me jokes or make me laugh.

[annie24]

I mean I thought that men should ask women out, in other words I think that men don't like dominant women... It would also mean that I should do everything else for them in life... they would get me too easily without asking and even without any effort. btw, would it mean that I should buy them drinks or something?

 

 

 

first of all, I don't give them my phone number. they just write their phone numbers in dating site email asking to call them when I want. I believe that they can give those numbers to too many girls (including me). I want to feel special. Btw, are you joking? You think that any of them would write me something longer if they can't even ask something about me in 1 sentence?

 

I don't think it's dominant to suggest "Date Zero" (which isn't a first date so much as a first meet over coffee or ice cream to tell if there is any initial interest there...)

[Mephisto13]

Hmmm....didn't ask about you or your interests. His only interests are going to the gym. Wants to meet right away.

 

I smell someone's hoping for a one night stand!

 

I usually equate the amount of words used in correspondence by how interested they are in you. If they like you and are interested, they will take the time to write something more than 1-2 sentences. And after 2-3 weeks, you want to meet, well, there's no harm in you asking them out yourself. No need to wait for the man to ask.

[PrettyGood]

Well yes, some of them try to tell jokes... but I think that I do something wrong when corresponding, because in the end I'm the one who's asking more about them and they don't ask anything about me. Why does it happen so often? 70% letters become to this desperate example.

 

I don't think it's dominant to suggest "Date Zero" (which isn't a first date so much as a first meet over coffee or ice cream to tell if there is any initial interest there...)

 

What is the difference between the 'first date' and the 'first meet'? I thought that if we meet first time, then it is always a date. Am I wrong?

[DN]

I mean I thought that men should ask women out, in other words I think that men

don't like dominant women... It would also mean that I should do everything else

for them in life... they would get me too easily without asking and even without

any effort. :sad:

btw, would it mean that I should buy them drinks or something?

Perhaps this attitude is at the root of your problem.

[annie24]

Well yes, some of them try to tell jokes... but I think that I do something wrong when corresponding, because in the end I'm the one who's asking more about them and they don't ask anything about me. Why does it happen so often? 70% letters become to this desperate example.

 

 

 

What is the difference between the 'first date' and the 'first meet'? I thought that if we meet first time, then it is always a date. Am I wrong?

 

when i did online dating, i considered our first meeting 'date zero' - just a chance to get to know each other. i didn't want to set up a long dinner or movie date - just something fast like coffee or drinks, so that if it's clear he's not a match, you can just leave after 1 drink or one coffee. i was prepared to pay my own way (for a coffee or drink) but most guys offered to pay when the bill came.

[Glowguy]

Why not just screen out all guys that send a simple one word message? I'm sure you get plenty of messages if you are attractive so you can easily screen for the ones who look more communicative.

 

I have the opposite problem. I put a lot of effort into my messages but get zero responses. I'm really starting to get discouraged by online dating. I know it's a numbers game but I've literally sent out about 30 messages and I haven't received a single response. I'm also pretty confident about my profile and I try to keep things light and funny. It really seems like people are not serious about it at all.

[PrettyGood]

Ok, here I heard some news I haven't known about 'first meeting' or 'zero dating'. My dating were lasting about 1 hour and it was so boring sometimes, that I often rejected to go to the others. But now I will try to ask them out for a shorter time.

 

1) So.. should I say them that 'it will not be a date, just a short meet to get to know each other'?

2) And my second question is: what should I answer if guys always ask me "you are so beautiful, you should have a boyfriend, what are you searching here on this dating website?" Well I don't want to look desperate and say that I'm searching for a bf. I just say that "I don't search anyone, but if I find someone special, I would be glad". Doesn't it sound too desperate or too rejective?

[annie24]

1 - I wouldn't say 'it's not a date.' but i would suggest drinks/ice cream/coffee instead of dinner/movie/night at the ball park or anything else that seems longer than an hour. if you are enjoying the date, you can stay longer, but if you aren't having a good time, you can just end the date after an hour.

 

2. Just say you are picky and haven't met Mr. Right yet.

[annie24]

Why not just screen out all guys that send a simple one word message? I'm sure you get plenty of messages if you are attractive so you can easily screen for the ones who look more communicative.

 

I have the opposite problem. I put a lot of effort into my messages but get zero responses. I'm really starting to get discouraged by online dating. I know it's a numbers game but I've literally sent out about 30 messages and I haven't received a single response. I'm also pretty confident about my profile and I try to keep things light and funny. It really seems like people are not serious about it at all.

 

yeah, don't reply to those. or just reply back with hi. lol.

 

sorry you aren't having much luck!!

[PrettyGood]

You know, coffee bars are popular nowadays like Starbucks for example. So does it goes to the "short zero date" places list? I thought that short date is 15-20 minutes meeting, but you say up to 1 hour? I'm a little bit confused now

 

ps, so should I agree to meet someone without any corresponding after the 1st suggestion to meet? is it not dangerous when i know nothing about him?

[annie24]

I consider an hour a short date. doesn't have to be 15 minutes! Starbucks is a good place to meet - especially since it is public and many people are there. it goes without saying that you should not tell him where you live, don't let him pick you up. meet him there. and don't pick the starbucks that's right next to your house so he can follow you home.

 

maybe suggest you speak on the phone first, or trade a few e-mails before meeting if you feel uncomfortable with meeting that very same night.

[PrettyGood]

ok, great advise I'll keep it in my mind

[Messiah]

There are a lot of dumb people on those websites, I guess they think it's a place for easy hookups. A dating website really takes the work out of it if they can just say hi and hope you call them. Unless you're looking for the same thing (easy hook up), don't call those types they are not worth it. If you're a 5/5, maybe the intelligent & nice guys are a little intimidated by you, so you should seriously browse profiles and pick out a guy who interests you, send the message first. I'm sure they'd be happy to talk to you, as long as you sent something engaging, moreso than "hi."

[PrettyGood]

Yes, Messiah, I try to do so... My way is to look new profiles daily and write to several. Of course, most of them don't search anything, has someone besides or even want to hook up quickly for benefits, because they already are in relationship... This world is really strange... So many people who are just not sincere with others.

[wsim]

Good luck with online dating, though don't expect too much... it is probably different for girls but as a guy, I never had any luck on those sites and wasted a lot of time.

In about 2 years on those sites, I only had like 2 dates. Women always seem to disappear or flake out. *Shrugs*

 

Anyways, it now comes to a point where I don't put much effort in my messages anymore, since I've been discouraged in the past. Despite that, they still do ask the girl about her interests and other genuine things. Meeting people in real life is probably better but keeping your options open is always great. The decent girls get so many messages from guys, it is purely a luck and numbers game. Unfortunately, I cannot compete against hundreds of other guys. I still browse profiles from time to time, but as always, the ones that interest me almost never respond. However, the ones that do are either not serious, vanish completely or I am simply not attracted to them at all.

[king6]

I have the same problem. I recently met this girl on link removed, I didnt want to pay to use the site so I just added some hints to my profile so they could find me on facebook and add me if we both winked at each other. As soon as I did this, 1 of the 3 I winked sent me a friend request on facebook- no message at all. Shes about 2hrs from me so I figured it would be nice to chat to her to see what shes like.. I waited a few days, mostly cause I was super busy with work, and Then finally after not getting a message from her I sent:

Hey there!

hows it going? I was going to wait to say Hi till I could catch ya on chat sometime but I been super busy and never see you on. I checked some of your photos out and I think your real cute . Im curious to get to know you, by the bit of info you put up I think your the type a girl I could get along with. Do you get to central Mn often? I noticed your quite a ways up north. Anyway, it was nice to see ya found me, and Im looking to forward to hearing from ya.

 

She never responded, But a few days later she caught me on chat. And basically said "hi hows it going" then when I responded her responses were short as possible and went no where, I was asking all the questions and she asked me nothing. We have had a few chats for the next couple days, but ALL of them were super short, went no where and were just answers to all my questions. So im thinking, shes not interested, maybes she not that smart? maybe shes shy-but whos shy on online chat, or maybe shes just bored and using me as something to do. She sent me her phone # and said "you are welcome to text me", shes chatting through her phone but from the vibe I was getting, I decided not to text her so that she doesnt have my phone #, if her chat responses are making me feel shes not interested, why text her? I considerd its hard for her to chat on her phone, but I asked her if she had a computer and her reply was "yeah its downstairs, and Im watching tv and relaxing". Perhaps shes just not that interested, Base off her responses to my questions she lives in the middle of no where, with scarce friends, sits at home all day alone, constantly bored, if that were me id be trying to reach out by any means After my many attempts so see if this person will open up, and failed, I just went cold and stopped chatting to her. Still havent received a message back so im sayin shes a wash. Im not sure when Ill delete her off my friends list -shes no harm but I prefer to only have immediate people im involved with in my life as friends.