I feel nothing

[Loriana]

I don't really know if anyone will understand this but I'll try my best to describe it. Humans are supposed to feel things right?, it's part of our nature, but for me Its as if I can't feel anything anymore. I don't feel happy or sad or angry or jealous or any other emotions. I can't even cry anymore, I just feel nothing. All I feel is numbness and emptiness. I've gotten so used to being alone and having no one that now it's just a way of life for me. I don't interact with anyone, I have never been close to anyone in my whole life. I've tried so hard to fit in and pretend that I'm like everyone else, but I know I'm not.

 

I left High School three years ago but till this day I still have dreams where I'm walking through the hallway looking at the floor, feeling self conscious that people are staring at me or making jokes. I feel like this when I'm doing something simple like walking down the street or out shopping I can still feel like I'm walking through the school hallway being judged.

 

Since school I have tried to figure out my life and what I want to do but I've made decisions and they always turn out to be the wrong ones. I've been in and out of college courses quicker than you can blink. I really have tried to be strong, I tried to tell myself college will be different I will be fine but each time I couldn't deal with it.

 

Now I'm at this private college and again it just doesn't feel right, nothing about me feels right. I need some sort of qualification so I can get a job and get by in life I know that.

 

God bless my parents they have done everything for me but even they don't know what to do with me anymore. I've wasted their money twice already and still they trusted that I will stick out the course that I'm doing now.

 

My gut feeling was telling me not to go ahead with this course because I wasn't a 100% sure it's what I wanted. I told this to my parents but they just got dissapointed in me so I just agreed to do it to make them happy.

 

Every day I pretend that I am fine and I do a good job of it too, so they don't know how truly alone I am. I haven't gone to college for a month now, so every day I just stay at home trying to figure out what to do.

 

Sometimes I do things like stare outside the window for ages and watch the world go by, or I'll be lost in thought until I forget where I am or what I'm doing. That's how lost I feel.

 

I've been to all the councellors in the world trust me, and sure it helped for however long the session was but this emptiness just never goes away. I do keep a diary though which helps a bit.

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I guess all I want is for someone to know.

[90_hour_sleep]

how long have you been feeling nothing? has it always been this way? and if it hasn't...do you remember how you felt most of the time?

[catfeeder]

Sounds like it could be depression. You're better off in school, and I wouldn't over-think that right now. Your tuition covers mental health counseling, contact the student service department for an appointment. If in doubt, consider that your folks are paying good money to this establishment, you may as well explore every way possible to get something out of it.

 

Hang in there, I know this is hard, but you're doing the right thing.

 

PS - The feelings of being judged are very common. Most people can relate to one degree or another, this is just more acute in people who are more self absorbed. If it's any comfort, most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and insecurities to put anyone else under a fraction of the scrutiny we might believe we're under. It gets easier to manage these fears when you have another focus.

[Gerda]

Hi, Loriana. Have you ever taken anti-depressants? Your symptoms sound similar to depression or an anxiety disorder. I have both and did some really dumb stuff in college as a result (stopped going to all my classes because I was just SO ANXIOUS about it, failed all of them and lost my scholarship). I "wasted" my parents' money on more than one occasion. Eventually I coped by just recognizing I was different than other people--not better, not worse, just different. I imagined that along with these faults I had, I surely had some gifts or talent to make up for them. I do think this is true. (I am almost completely socially inept and embarrass myself and my loved ones occasionally on account of this. I just finally stopped caring.)

 

Brain chemistry can make such a huge difference. This fact was really driven home for me recently when I started some meds. They made me crazy. I really was crazy. I was depressed, suicidal, constantly enraged, mean, impatient, hateful, and filled with TREMENDOUS anxiety. We switched to a different delivery method (a 12 hr pill instead of a 24 hr one) and...it all went away. I don't know why this happened, but I know it happened to others as well. So it made me realize...there is a limit to how well we can control our emotions, and thus our actions as well.

 

Don't just talk to a counselor. Talk to a DOCTOR. They can prescribe medication, therapists and counselors usually can't (in the US anyway). Think of it just like a normal disease, tell them your symptoms and just be honest about it. And be prepared, should you go this route, to potentially have to try a few different things until you find the solution, that's how it goes for a lot of us--trial and error until we find what helps. It can be discouraging, but it will be worth it if you work it out.

 

Good luck.

[Loriana]

Hi Gerda,

 

I think it's more anxiety than anything else I do have a problem with walking down the street/sitting opposite someone on public transport because I feel like I'm always being looked at and being judged. I am always worried what people think about me, hence the fact why I don't talk to anyone because I get so socially awkward and anxious.

 

When I was in high school and at some of my previous colleges I used to not show up too because I couldn't handle the stress. I really do think that I have anxiety and maybe a bit of depresion. If I stay at home it's so much better because I don't have to worry or feel stressed. I think I will consult my doctor about this because I've been dealing with this since High School. Thank you for your advice.

[Loriana]

how long have you been feeling nothing? has it always been this way? and if it hasn't...do you remember how you felt most of the time?

 

Well to be honest I've always felt this way for as long as I can remember. I started noticing how I felt more when I started High School when I was thirteen, now I'm eighteen and I still feel the same if not worse.

[EternalDreamer]

I agree that this seems like an anxiety that would best be addressed by seeing a professional. Don't worry about doing things like staying home or staring out the window "watching life pass" you by; these are your ways of coping with your current anxieties, and if they provide enough escapism and relief to keep you going and wanting to change things for the better, then please continue doing what you have to do. Next step is to see if this really is a type of depression that can be dealt with by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

Please let us know how things proceed!

 

(And even though you've already heard this, I think it's worth repeating that most people are too concerned about how people are viewing them to even begin scrutinizing other people. Others are so content with themselves that they have no need to judge strangers. Therefore, your social anxieties are in your head. I know that's not a magical elixir, especially since I feel very self-conscious around others too despite knowing this information, but maybe it will help you just a bit.)