Was he issuing me a warning...?

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

Hi Everyone! I'm new to ENA [as a poster] but I've been snooping around older posts for a few days now [how addictive is this site]! I'm posting my own story for people's insight and/or advice.

 

Well, my ex boyfriend of six months dumped me just over a month ago - by email. That was after nearly two weeks of giving me the silent treatment - something he did quite a few times in the short time we were together. Also, that was the fourth time he'd broken up with me over [seriously] trivial, sometimes laughable, reasons. Basically, every time we had an argument, I'd come home to find he'd moved out then he'd break up with me over the phone later. He always came back apologising for overreacting and asking for another chance. Yeah, he had a quick temper and would blow up over the slightest things, yell and swear ect.

 

Anyway, despite previous practice runs, I've taken this break up very badly. I sent him a reply to his email saying I was gutted but also accepting the break up. I expressed disappointment that he broke up via email. I've not contacted him since [i've been tempted, only to ask for some stuff of mine he's got, but decided I can live without it] and I've not heard from him either.

 

Thing is, looking back, he did warn me. Soon after we started going out, he told me he didn't do relationships and that he'd ended every relationship he ever had, sometimes by falling off the face of the earth with no warning or explanation. He told me he was very insecure [often asked me if I'd leave him for someone better, worried I'd cheat on him, do I still love him, am I happy with him etc - which, strangely, I found cute at the time!] He told me he had no friends - I never met or heard him mention any. His childhood best friend stopped speaking to him three years ago and he didn't know why. He became very attached very quickly, saying he loved me within weeks and talking marriage and children. I was excited!

 

He also spoke about his mother quite early on, stating she was very trendy and didn't look her age [she's mid 70's] and that he would never seriously date a woman his mother didn't get on with. He asked me if I thought he was a mummy's boy because he called her every day [always took and made his calls to her outside, out of earshot]. His mother quickly became part of the relationship - said she was fond of me and we started doing things together e.g. meals out and shopping. She's extremely opinionated, not the easiest of people to get on with, but I'm very patient and I'd get on with anybody. He loved that I got on with his mum and I was happy. Both told me separately that they were very close and open with each other - that didn't bother me. I soon found out he told her everything about our relationship and things I'd told him about my friends and family. Every time he broke up with me, he'd go to his mother. She'd call me to see how I was and drop in phrases which told me he'd told her everything. This upset me quite a bit. She always said whatever happened between me and him, she'd like to still remain in contact as she liked me a lot. I've not heard from her since the break-up.

 

I observed some strange dynamics between him and his mother - they often went clothes shopping together, she bragged about getting him his flat, his new car, and clothes/household items she bought him. I once overheard her complaining that he didn't give her a hug or kiss properly anymore! He'd never kiss or be touchy-feely with me when his mother was around and would quickly straighten up if she walked in when he was about to...She often told me he'd never live too far away from her and that she made sacrifices for him to get him through university so he'll always more or less do as she says! If she questioned any of our plans, he'd promptly change them. He went out for a meal with her on Valentine's Day, despite telling me he was ill.

 

Oh, he's 38.

 

Thing is...why do I miss him so much? Why is it, given the early warnings, I didn't run for the hills? Why do I still feel overwhelmed by love for him - despite his callous silent treatments, dumping me by email, his interfering mother, his temper and impulsive reactions?

 

He ticked a lot of boxes for me and we had a lot of fun together. I feel like my arm has been torn off. My friends say I'm well shot of him and should be glad...I agree with them before I go to bed, but when I wake up I just want him back. I'm quite proud so won't be going after him but I wish I could press "control-alt-delete" and forget I ever met him :sad:

 

Help!

 

Kat

[Tanzi]

Hi Kat. Welcome to eNA.

 

If only eh? Unfortunately we can't push any buttons or flick any switches that will turn off our emotions. We have to deal with them. Mornings always seem to be the worse don't they? Time really is a great healer though.

 

Anyway I think your friends are probably right. If he has already left you 3 times before (in 6 months) and has admitted to you that he has always ended relationships ... and mostly by disappearing off the face of the earth ... he doesn't seem like a very committed person. If you were to get back together I think you would always be looking over your shoulder waiting for the next time that he is going to end things. With the added influence of his mother this relationship seems like too much hard work. He gives you the silent treatment and then ends it by email? He really doesn't seem very mature and certainly doesn't know how to respect or handle relationships. Think about it, is this what you really want? I know its difficult for you now but in time you will soon realise that you can have something that works much better than this.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

Thanks, ALB! It's helpful hearing this from someone completely removed. And you're right...his behaviour shows serious immaturity and lack of committment to relationships [other than the one with his mum]. It definitely would be hard work if I got back with him...which, thankfully, is very unlikely. Still, like you said, we can't turn off emotions. But time will help, I'm sure.

[nutbrownhare]

In many ways, in this relationship you were the 'other woman' - it's just that it was a mother involved, not a wife. Frankly, some of the things you described above made my flesh creep, and what you're talking about there is emotional incest, and a completely inappropriate relationship between mother and son. There's no way, no way at all, that this guy is capable of having a healthy relationship with a woman.

 

So your friends are quite right.

 

However, the other part of your query - why you are finding it so difficult to get over him - may be partly because you did have fun together (and some little boys - of any age - can be quite charming) but also you may have a history of trying to make relationships work with people who are basically unavailable. The fact that you were able to get on with his mother (who sounds really ghastly to me!) suggests that you are very patient and keen to please others, but this can be at your own expense. You seem more concerned that he and his mother were happy, than that you felt OK, and you may have neglected yourself in this relationship.

 

Keep your pride and dignity, and do not respond if he tries to get back in touch with you - unless you want to go back to more of the same. There will come a time when you look back on this, and realise you dodged a bullet!

[chitown9]

If I were in your shoes I would look for the lesson here. I think i would question why you would even consider a relationship with this fellow with all of the facts you know about him. You will never have him, but neither will anybody else. What you need is a man who is capable of having a relationship with a woman. The bottom line is, this is not the man for you. That being said, I am sure he had some good points that you miss; however, it is the entire picture that you need to examine. Try to remember that.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

Wow, nutbrownhare! You nailed it. These last few weeks have been an eye-opener about me and the type of people I attract or get attracted to. You're right, I have historically tried to make relationships with unavailable men [never a married one, though!]. But the difference with this one, he was so keen to settle down, get married have kids etc. I was hooked! And you're right again, I do tend to want to please others at the expense of my own happiness and this is the one BIG lesson I've learnt from this relationship. I didn't even know this about me. I've no intention of getting back with him, trust me.

 

Thanks, chitown9 - I've asked myself that question a million times. He did have some good points, everyone has. But the warning signs were there from the start and I dismissed them! I'm frightened now that I'm probably not as good a judge of character as I thought I was and I don't trust myself to choose properly next time. Darn, this worries me!