My counselor suggested I write a letter..

[Kailynn]

and mail it to my ex. I saw a counselor around 3 years ago for help in coping and healing from being raped and then abandoned by my then boyfriend because he believe I "wanted it". Needless to say, I was shattered. He was the only person I felt confident enough to tell and it took months for me to even admit it happened. As soon as I told him he left me because I "cheated". I started therapy soon after and for 9 months I attended regularly. When I felt I had finally healed, I was no longer angry, I didn't think about the ex, and the pain I felt after the ordeal was a distant memory, I stopped going. Soon after, I met the love of my life and my most current ex. We dated for 2 years and although mostly blissful, it was clear I was not as healed as I though. I was not hung up on my ex but, more or less fearful he'd do the same and abandon me as soon as I got close. That leaked into our relationship and left it crumbling to the floor.

 

Now I'm stuck in an awkward position. My ex does deserve an apology. During the first year of our relationship I was exactly myself. However, near the end I was becoming increasingly unhappy with myself and ended up looking for validation that I was going to be okay from other people. I never cheated on my boyfriend, never emotionally cheated, nothing of the sort but, I did take comfort in talking to people about anything. I had a friend who liked to listen and he'd compliment me and it made me feel nice. I had no intentions of going anywhere with it as I wasn't attracted to him and he lives 9,000 miles away. As far as I was concerned it was completely platonic and I merely enjoyed his chatter. My boyfriend however was deeply hurt. I notice now that I was not being as attentive to him as I should be and that is why we broke up. He made much more effort then I did and although I wanted nothing more than to be myself, I just wasn't happy. I was terrified he'd leave me and I figured if I tried harder, he'd pull away and leave me. We worked through our issues with the guy I was talking to and I haven't spoken to him since however, my ex and I broke up soon after that. I had become so distant that he just couldn't keep it up. Somewhere down the line I had lost myself in my past and it ruined my relationship.

 

Now, my counselor suggests I send him an apology letter because it'll make me feel better and now that time has passed he'll be able to look at it more objectively. The advice here though seem to be that I just ignore him until he talks to me. The issue though, I know this is my fault. While I did apologize as we broke up, I didn't realize just how awful I was until I started my counseling again. It's been almost a month and a half and I feel myself finally coming back. I intend to keep going but, I'm unsure if I should really send the letter. I thought about writing it and just letting a friend read it but I'm just not sure. My ex and I agreed that things needed to change. He's been really distant, no doubt because I hurt him but, I don't believe we'll get a second chance if I never apologize for my actions. So, should I send the letter or just let a friend read it? I have it written but now it's just sitting here.

[ferna3069]

you can showcyour caunsler, and a friend.also if u r going to send him lrt him know y u got distant thats perfecly understandable y u didd what u did

[Kailynn]

you can showcyour caunsler, and a friend.also if u r going to send him lrt him know y u got distant thats perfecly understandable y u didd what u did

 

Um, I appreciate your advice but, it didn't really answer my question. My counselor wants me to send it to my ex. I don't feel like it will make much of a difference given that when we broke up I did apologize for being that way, I just never explained why. He did know about my past but, at the time I didn't really realize just how much it was effecting me. This is why my counselor is suggesting I send it. This time around my apology is more thought out, not fueled by emotions and validates the way he feels instead of me apologizing for everything that ever went wrong. I fear that if I send it he'll just run farther away since he already knows I'm sorry for treating him the way I did. I want advice on IF I should send it. I don't want to push him but, I also don't want him to believe I just don't care enough to make an effort.

[livestrong23]

I would think most of the people here who can help will want to see the "draft" letter in order to tell you whether they think you should send it or not...without it, it's pretty hard to evaluate.

[Kailynn]

I would think most of the people here who can help will want to see the "draft" letter in order to tell you whether they think you should send it or not...without it, it's pretty hard to evaluate.

 

 

It's not a giant confession of love or anything lol It really is just an apology. I'll type up a copy though and post it.

[ferna3069]

i know what ypu mean im on the other side. my ex broke up with me two months ago. she was acting distant. afraid. confused. she started treating different. she was abused as a kid. i know thats what the problem was.i was her first ever bf and she coul not deal with the romance. and getting close. like i said if my ex send me a letter. i wouldnt look at her funny or weird in any case. i would understand. specialy if its because of that

[Kailynn]

Here's the draft if you believe it will help:

 

Ex,

 

I've thought about writing this for a while but I haven't had the courage. These past months have been really tough for me. At first, I wanted to blame everything on you. I thought that maybe if I could convince myself you were the problem, everything would be okay. Fact is, I know we're here because of me and you deserve an apology. I have been seeing a counselor to help me manage what happened between that man and I, as well as the abandonment I felt when Ben left. It has been with his help that I am finally breaking down my walls and feeling vulnerable enough to admit my faults. When I met you I had just finished my first round of therapy and I was worlds away from where I had been 9 months prior. For the first time in a long while I felt good about myself and that I wasn't to blame for what happened to me. As the summer went on I knew I was falling for you. I had not felt so comfortable, loved, or so right with anyone like I did with you. Eventually though, the feelings of abandonment and guilt resurfaced. In my heart you were my world, in my head I was constantly afraid you would leave me. I'd look for validation in my self for others, even though I wanted no one else. I stopped making efforts to keep you happy because I thought you'd leave me anyway, no matter what. I refused to allow myself the joys of truly being who I am and sharing it with you. Near the end I was not the same person you fell in love with. I was simply not myself. I am nothing but sorry for taking advantage of you. I apologize for my actions that hurt you and you have every right to feel as you do. Today, I am actively healing myself, something I never would have done before. I am admitting my the pain I caused you an accepting my feelings for you instead of trying to bury them. April marked the month I became truly happy with myself and I'm finally ready to stop being afraid and stop looking for others to tell me I'm okay.

 

I wish you well and I hope you have a wonderful summer.

 

Me.

[JonasWaingaro]

I think you have to decide if it will help you or not. Because this is for you and you alone, like your counselor has advised. I wouldn't bring your ex into the equation at all, since he either forgave you before or he did not. This letter will probably do little to change that. Are you hoping this will help get him back? Is that what you ultimately want? If that's a part of your thought process then sending it isn't a great idea. If you think it'll help you emotionally and allow you some sense of closure (let go) then I'd consider sending it. Either way it wouldn't hurt to let a friend read it for an opinion.

 

Btw, I wrote this before you posted your actual letter.

[Kailynn]

I think you have to decide if it will help you or not. Because this is for you and you alone, like your counselor has advised. I wouldn't bring your ex into the equation at all, since he either forgave you before or he did not. This letter will probably do little to change that. Are you hoping this will help get him back? Is that what you ultimately want? If that's a part of your thought process then sending it isn't a great idea. If you think it'll help you emotionally and allow you some sense of closure (let go) then I'd consider sending it. Either way it wouldn't hurt to let a friend read it for an opinion.

 

I'm not sending it for any other purpose other than my counselor suggested I do it. I'll find closure with or without a letter but, I'm also not following the "NC PLAN" that's advised here. I simply go to my counselor for my help and that's that. So as far as trying to get him back, I don't believe anything will help that but time..and yes an apology at some point. However I'm not saying this is it. In my situation, since I was broken up with for being distant..I have to make an effort. I can't just hang around hoping he'll change his mind as my ignoring him only confirms such behavior. But, to answer your question, I didn't write the letter in hopes of mailing it and winning him back. I wrote it because I was told to as a way to help deal with what happened in my past. My counselor knows that my past effected my recent relationship and she feels that if I send it to him I'll feel better because I'm guilty of hurting him. That's it.

[JonasWaingaro]

You don't sound convinced sending the letter will help you. Did getting it down in writing help at all? The process of writing the letter. I know I wrote a few of these, different issues of course, and writing them did help some. And I'm no NC advocate, not at all. Especially where there's been neglect. So I hear you. How long have you been broken up?

[Kailynn]

You don't sound convinced sending the letter will help you. Did getting it down in writing help at all? The process of writing the letter. I know I wrote a few of these, different issues of course, and writing them did help some. And I'm no NC advocate, not at all. Especially where there's been neglect. So I hear you. How long have you been broken up?

 

I'm uncertain about it. I don't want to make things worse.

 

It helped I suppose sure but, I still feel as if he's hurt because of my behavior. Particularly the one about him being upset that I was talking to another guy. Honestly, he lives in a different country, he was a student advisor on trip I took to Europe a few years back. We were catching up on Facebook/Skype and he would say things like "Hello, love" or "You should really come here" and I'd be like "Hey, yeah I'd love to visit again." I was by no means attempting to be flirty. My ex I feel though, was super bothered by it. So bothered in fact that when he asked me about it he called me a liar when I said I wasn't hiding anything from him. He cried and dumped me for like 5 hours. Obviously that didn't last long as he was calling me up that night saying he overreacted and he loved me, wanted a future with me and so on. From that point on I was making a conscious effort to be more proactive in my relationship. I was aiming to be more affectionate, drove more, things like that. In the back of my mind though, I was nervous he was still upset and I'm sure that was effecting how I was behaving. We'd discusses before that him putting in more effort was taking a toll and it needed to change, needless to say, I was worried.

 

Anyways, I ask him the night before he breaks up with me if he's still happy because I feel as if he isn't. He says "Babe, we're good. I'm not some almighty man who has unrealistic expectations. I know you're trying. I've liked everything you've done lately. We're good, we're working on it. I love you." Next day, he's unhappy, says I'm right and here we are now. Other than a text saying he was sorry things didn't go the way we hoped, wishing me the best, mentioning that he was taking space from things and if he didn't respond to me right now it wasn't personal..we haven't talked. Clearly he's hurt. It's been two months roughly and I want to give him that space but, I know if I don't apologize and reach out, he'll just believe I really don't care.

[pl3asehelp]

I would not have stuck around either if I were your bf based on how you describe your interactions with this other guy. You say you weren't trying to be flirty. If you really believe that, then you have nothing to apologize for, hence no point in sending the letter. I'd skip it. All he'll think of is the dude and how you didn't even mention that.

[Kailynn]

I would not have stuck around either if I were your bf based on how you describe your interactions with this other guy. You say you weren't trying to be flirty. If you really believe that, then you have nothing to apologize for, hence no point in sending the letter. I'd skip it. All he'll think of is the dude and how you didn't even mention that.

 

 

You mean by me saying I'd like to visit Europe again? That wasn't a flirty interaction. I wasn't hitting on him or in any way giving an indication that it was my intention to be with him. I did mention it in my apology but, I wasn't going to apologize for "flirting" with a guy I wasn't flirting with. That guy and I were merely talking, perhaps his conversation could have been taken the wrong way but, as soon as I realized his conversation was inappropriate I stopped talking to him and I haven't since. While I appreciate your comment, I don't believe you understood me correctly. I was not talking to random men to hit on them, feel sexy, and hopefully hook up. I was catching up with a guy I met in Europe,4 years ago, who knew full well about my boyfriend and my intentions to marry him. Also, not that it matters since you clearly believe I'm some sort of cheater, my ex and I did not break up over that interaction. We broke up due to my lack of effort because of my depression regarding the rape.

[JonasWaingaro]

Really I think it all boils down to you forgiving you for whatever wrongs you think you did in this relationship. Any relationship with jealousy and walking on eggshells is doomed to fail. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Without a reason to lose trust in you I say he has the major issue here. When you enter into a relationship with someone it doesn't mean you own them. You can talk to whomever you want. Seems like he has some issues of trust and jealousy that has nothing to do with you. Ya know? Never ever stay with someone because you are 'afraid they'll leave'. Don't ever sell yourself short like that. I think you should skip the email and work on forgiving yourself. When you get to that point then maybe see what's up with him. Just my thoughts.

[Kailynn]

Really I think it all boils down to you forgiving you for whatever wrongs you think you did in this relationship. Any relationship with jealousy and walking on eggshells is doomed to fail. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Without a reason to lose trust in you I say he has the major issue here. When you enter into a relationship with someone it doesn't mean you own them. You can talk to whomever you want. Seems like he has some issues of trust and jealousy that has nothing to do with you. Ya know? Never ever stay with someone because you are 'afraid they'll leave'. Don't ever sell yourself short like that. I think you should skip the email and work on forgiving yourself. When you get to that point then maybe see what's up with him. Just my thoughts.

 

I'm not usually like that though, I was afraid of that because of what happened in my past. I was abandoned by my ex after I was raped, when I really needed him. Since then I've been nervous about everyone I get close to doing something similar. My therapy has helped with that amazingly. Yes, he has some issues, I'd say more insecurity vs. jealousy. He's not a jealous person but, we had been on edge prior to that incident because I was already pulling away. I think his reaction to the conversation was more or less just his "reason" for backing out, not really why. He was looking for a valid reason to do it VS just admitting my inability to remain close to him was making him feel under appreciated and devalued. When I wasn't feeling burdened by my past our relationship was great and the issues presented here didn't exist.

 

Thanks for the help. I chose to just let my friend read it.

[abitbroken]

How long were you broken up?

 

Firstly, what you did WAS emotional cheating. Whether the guy was next door or 9,000 away, if you are sharing with him emotionally things that you should be sharing with your boyfriend and are not, etc., that is what it is.

 

As far as the letter, I just think the relationship didn't work out and that was partly fueled by your insecurity. You really didn't "do" something specific that was considered a trespass unless you considered talking to the guy something. It is sort of this broad sweeping feeling of things. But unless this relationship just ended, I would caution you about sending it. It may make you satisfied, but what good would it do him? In fact, if lots of time has passed and he is in a relationship, it could actually cause trouble...i mean, his girlfriend could see it as an attempt to get him back. Also, he may be confused and it could be very left field for him - there could have been totally different reasons why he chose to end it/or end it with you.

 

I really think that you should save the apology for if you ever run into him some day. I think you should focus on your own healing and moving forward. But that's just me. A letter may bring healing for you but it could open a can of worms, too.

 

Since you said you are only sending it because your counselor suggested it - don't do it.

[Kailynn]

It's been 2 months. He's single and like I said, I was not cheating on him by sharing things with this guy that I would of shared with my boyfriend. He was a student advisor on a trip I took in high school years ago. He knew full well about my boyfriend and when we talked I would share things about my boyfriend with him. As far as I was concerned I was catching up with an old friend. I didn't say things that could be considered flirting. I was simply sharing my life with him like I would a friend. I never had intentions of letting it go beyond that and my ex's issues was the way HE was talking to me, not how I was responding to him. Which, like I said, I stopped talking to him as soon as I realized his conversation was going sour. I was not keeping anything from my ex in order to share with this guy.

[abitbroken]

Yes, but there is a difference between "catching up" - you call, you chat, you laugh you catch up and then you don't talk to eachother for quite awhile - and talking to someone regularly for hours. Even if they know you have a boyfriend. My ex used to talk for an hour or two to a female friend when I stayed over. I kind of felt "um, I am here? do you notice me?" even if they weren't talking sexy. Further in our relationship I felt a little betrayed by the fact that she knew so much about me that she had no business knowing. It obviously affected your relationship even if you decided it was "just catching up." The fact that it affected the relationship and took so much of your time - even if it was your boyfriend's perception - matters. Okay, if you don't want it to be called emotional cheating - you were spending way too much time catching up with this guy. And you admit seeking his validation or approval

 

its not a matter of writing to your ex, but not repeating your mistakes for the next.

[pl3asehelp]

^This. Yes. Hard to swallow, but neccesary to get better.

[CMS]

I would recommend do not send it yet, re-evaluate it after you come back from Florida.

 

Let him have time to think about your previous offer/letter first

[Kailynn]

I'm not going to debate this with you but, let me be clear. We caught up once. One time. We had ONE conversation. I was not spending hours on end chatting to him while ignoring my boyfriend. While I appreciate the insight I stand by my view that I DID NOT cheat on him in any way shape or form. My 5 or 6 messages through Facebook I would hardly consider dangerous behavior.

 

The only reason he was bothered was that it was through Facebook messages. He felt as if I was hiding him from him. He went in my messages, saw I was having a conversation with someone and overreacted. I well mention again, it was a one time thing and he was bothered by HIS messages to ME. I certainly do not have any emotional attachment to a guy I met ONE time. It was simply a conversation because we ran accross each other. Yes, my boyfriend has issues with trusting me, not because of something I did but because he has his own insecurity issues. That is for him to work out, not me and I am not going to take the blame by saying I "cheated".

[Kailynn]

I would recommend do not send it yet, re-evaluate it after you come back from Florida.

 

Let him have time to think about your previous offer/letter first

 

I didn't send anything. I believe this has gone way out of hand. I do not need to be called a cheater because I talked to an old friend ONE DAMN TIME.

 

This is the last time I'll be using ENA. Text me if you ever need anything

[abitbroken]

Well...the way you portrayed it - you said you talked to this friend and then you mentioned the part about yourself seeking approval, etc. We assumed that this was an ongoing thing and not just one conversation. However, if you were getting distant at the time, maybe that's how your bf interpreted. We can only go by the info you give us. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but if it caused that big of a problem in your relationship whether it was once or a hundred, it was clearly the straw that broke the camel's back in some form or another. I don't really think you need to seek your boyfriend out and apologize for it, but that's just me, unless you goal is getting him back.

[CMS]

Well...the way you portrayed it - you said you talked to this friend and then you mentioned the part about yourself seeking approval, etc. We assumed that this was an ongoing thing and not just one conversation. However, if you were getting distant at the time, maybe that's how your bf interpreted. We can only go by the info you give us. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but if it caused that big of a problem in your relationship whether it was once or a hundred, it was clearly the straw that broke the camel's back in some form or another. I don't really think you need to seek your boyfriend out and apologize for it, but that's just me, unless you goal is getting him back.

 

I think you have jumped to conclusion too soon without all the evidence, I [personally do not think it counts as emotionally cheating to talk to someone else while in a relationship. My best girl friend Ash lives in Cincy and we have been BFF for 7 years, we talk to each other about everything including relationship issues, and talking to her does not make me cheating on my girlfriend emotionally. I think you rushed to judge her in the stage when she needs support rather than harsh judgement. Talking to someone once or twice for a few hours while in a relationship does not make you a emotional cheater.