Girls want a nice guy!?

[Blue Spiral]

How is ignoring your weaknesses confidence?

 

I'm saying it's the very definition of confidence. Confidence isn't some mature state-of-mind thing, it's just a bunch of people pretending they're better than the people who are being honest about themselves--the people who can't/won't pretend they don't have problems. Just my opinion, of course.

[Dougie_D]

Well, I'm not a drama king or anything. All I was saying was that 90% of conversations I have with women, they are talking about their problems. Work, money, relationships, etc.. It's usually about her.

 

Here is another question. Can you "create" sexual sparks? I have a girl roommate and she said exactly what you said. If she is not INTO him the first time they meet, there is no chance. She said, even if they guy is INTO HER and makes moves, with little touching, flirting, she'll play a long for that night but there is STILL NO WAY she will make HIM the boyfriend. Girls like guys for attention. Girls are the biggest players in this game of love.

 

That seems hard for a guy that likes a girl. That means a guy has to be the PERFECT TYPE for her. Those are not good odds at all!

[agent1607307371]

Well, I'm not a drama king or anything. All I was saying was that 90% of conversations I have with women, they are talking about their problems. Work, money, relationships, etc.. It's usually about her!

 

Why? She's no more interesting than you are. Talk about what's going on with you, keep it lighter. It's not a talk or die situation, you can have fun with it. People do like to talk about themselves, but there's a limit - you need to be in the conversation too.

 

 

Blue Spiral - the literal definition of confidence is trust. If you think trusting in yourself is a character flaw, that's your choice.

[Firiel]

Well, I'm not a drama king or anything. All I was saying was that 90% of conversations I have with women, they are talking about their problems. Work, money, relationships, etc.. It's usually about her.

 

Ha ha... that reminds me of something my husband said. He said his success with girls improved dramatically when he realized that they just wanted someone to listen to them. Of course, that's not a cut-and-dry method of getting a girl because the flip side is that girls (like guys) want to date someone that is interesting to them, and they can't know you're interesting if you never talk about yourself.

 

Here is another question. Can you "create" sexual sparks? I have a girl roommate and she said exactly what you said. If she is not INTO him the first time they meet, there is no chance. She said, even if they guy is INTO HER and makes moves, with little touching, flirting, she'll play a long for that night but there is STILL NO WAY she will make HIM the boyfriend. Girls like guys for attention. Girls are the biggest players in this game of love.

 

It depends on the girl, honestly. For me, attraction has always been something that developed not something that was there right off the bat. I wasn't interested in my husband at first-- totally not into him. But he won me over with his humor, charm, and heart for others. For me, the sparks did develop over time. For other girls, they're either there or not.

[Wayfara]

No one dates to be altruistic. Some guys try to appeal to a girl's sense of duty instead of what dating should be about, fun. To be successful you don't convince the girl she should date you but make her want to date you because it will be fun and interesting and so on.

 

To know if would be fun to date you she must know things about you. Even if most people love to talk about themselves and have someone listen, if there is no reciprocation it will get boring at the end. You could try to talk about your passions in life. Maybe not every girl will interested to listen but then that's normal, no one is compatible to everyone, but the right girl will be interested to know things about you too.

 

I don't think when women talk about confidence they mean (not all anyway) they want an aggressive man with a huge ego. With confidence I simply mean someone who has some sort of inner peace that holds them together when times are hard, someone I feel won't give in to bitterness, desperation or despair when life gets tough. Of course no one is immune to these feelings, but we can fight them back when they come so we can get our life back on track.

 

I don't think that confidence is healthy or realistic, either. I'd rather be around people who have grounded views of themselves.

 

I think being confident and being humble are both about having a grounded view of yourself. Being confident means having faith in your abilities, not having faith in imaginary abilities but in the abilities you have, and being humble is knowing your limits, they compliment each other. Maybe you know you won't be everyone's type (humbleness) but you are confident that you will survive even if you don't find someone (confidence). And insecurity doesn't negate arrogance, a person can be both. It could be a woman who is so down on her appearance that she thinks no one can ever love her (insecurity) but believes by rejecting her the guys also turn down their only chance to happiness (arrogance).

 

All people have insecurities and I don't expect to meet someone without them, but there are different kinds of insecurities and levels of insecurity. Some people look for a partner because they are insecure about being single, and I don't want to be chosen because I'm the first girl to agree to provide the person sex and love. Being with someone who needs you there to keep them from sinking would put a big burden on you, if you would ever leave them you would feel responsible for "dooming" them to be forever miserable.

[pl3asehelp]

How is ignoring your weaknesses confidence? It's foolishness and blindness. No one is talking about having an unrealistic view of yourself, just being able to see that having weaknesses and problems don't mean you are worthless. Having a touch of insecurity is a good thing, it keeps you moving, being insecure makes it impossible for you to move.

 

I totally agree with this. Ignoring your weaknesses and faking your way through life is arrogance, not confidence. A person who is confident hoestly acknowledges their insecurities and works on them if it's something they want to change, or just accepts them.

[johnnyp]

Well, I'm not a drama king or anything. All I was saying was that 90% of conversations I have with women, they are talking about their problems. Work, money, relationships, etc.. It's usually about her.

 

That's really not good dude. You're setting yourself up as the shoulder to cry on (a key element of the friend-zone) and simultaneously showing them that you don't feel that your life and problems are as important as theirs. It's great that you're there for them and are a good friend, but the balance should be 50/50 and not 90/10. It's this kind of situation that will result in your female friends coming to you when a player/jerk breaks their heart and saying "You're so great....why can't I meet a guy like you"? and leaving you sitting there like a lemon thinking "Errr....you HAVE!"

 

Here is another question. Can you "create" sexual sparks? I have a girl roommate and she said exactly what you said. If she is not INTO him the first time they meet, there is no chance. She said, even if they guy is INTO HER and makes moves, with little touching, flirting, she'll play a long for that night but there is STILL NO WAY she will make HIM the boyfriend. Girls like guys for attention. Girls are the biggest players in this game of love.

 

Yes you absolutely can create sparks even when the initial 'lust at first sight' attraction isn't there! Your flatmate just hasn't met a man that could do it. It's all about the right charm, confidence, humour and flirting techniques. Women are often far less superficial than us guys in this way (I know its a generalisation but I think it's a pretty accurate one). Most guys would never date/sleep with a woman they weren't physically attracted to, just because she had a great personality, but MANY women will quickly see past the looks of a guy they weren't immediately attracted to, if he's got the right blend of charm, charisma, wit etc, so us guys actually have it a lot easier than women in that regard.

 

I'm sure there are loads of books out there on how to flirt well and how to boost your sexual confidence, so I'd say it's well worth looking them up if you feel you need help in this area. It could also be worth checking out some of the player or pick-up artist websites out there for some tips on creating attraction. DON'T take the advice you see there at face value though. IMO pick-up artist/players are often very shallow people with little respect for women and a pitiable need to add notches to their bedpost to compensate for emotional shortcomings, so a lot of the tips may well be quite manipulative in nature, which I'm sure would not sit comfortably with a moral guy like yourself. Sometimes it can be helpful though to have a pro point you in the right direction, so it's up to you really.

 

As it stands though, you do seem to be firmly planting your own friend-zone flag with the women you meet and not even giving them the chance to see the great, BF-material version of you that is dying to be seen, so try not to be so 'nice' and so accomodating all the time and let them give YOU a bit of attention for once. I promise they'll respect you more for it (and maybe even find you more attractive as a result).

[johnnyp]

By the way Dougie, ages ago on ENA I wrote a post of tips for so-called 'nice' guys that feel they always finish last. I've since re-posted it many times here on various threads, as after my original post I got loads of PM's from women telling me they loved it and agreed with what I said, so I've posted it below in case it could be of any help to you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

^^This is it! If you don't want to get into the friend zone, don't act like her friend. Attraction simply doesn't work that way. Show her you have confidence and direction in your life. Of course that doesn't mean you can't listen to her talk about her problems. It's more about how you go about it. Don't be her shoulder to cry on - instead, be her rock. Women tend to be more emotional than us guys. You need to talk her off of that precipice, not throw gas on her emotional fire. When a woman is having a problem and wants to talk, she can feed off of your confidence. Your confidence offers her strength and a more objective viewpoint. As she regains her strength and sense of control surrounding her problem, she'll start to feel better. And guess who made that happen? You, Bumpy! That will create attraction. Don't worry, her girlfriends (and friend zoned guy friends) will give her all the shoulders to cry on she needs.

 

I would also caution about the PUA stuff. There are some things injected here and there that will help a guy in your predicament gain confidence and understand what johnnyp and I are trying to tell you. But the majority of it is way over the top from what you need, and is certainly demeaning and objectifying to women. You're not that type of guy, and you don't want (or need) to be.

[greywolf]

Whoops, I wandered away for a few days and forgot I posted in this thread.

 

 

 

Almost all of the women I've been involved with have been insecure. I'm not attracted to insecurity, I'm attracted to humbleness and honesty. If anyone ever described themselves to me the way that Hex just described himself--talking about how awesome they are--I'd be very wary, to say the least. I understand that illogical insecurity is unhealthy (god knows I struggle with it), but I don't think that confidence is healthy or realistic, either. I'd rather be around people who have grounded views of themselves.

 

I don't think that people who have confidence in themselves are not grounded.

 

I have weaknesses, and I struggle with some things, but overall, I like who I am. But thinking highly of myself doesn't mean I don't recognize my flaws.

 

I'm saying it's the very definition of confidence. Confidence isn't some mature state-of-mind thing, it's just a bunch of people pretending they're better than the people who are being honest about themselves--the people who can't/won't pretend they don't have problems. Just my opinion, of course.

 

I don't think that a person who has confidence means that they think they are better than other people. That's arrogance. Like I said earlier, I'm confident in a lot of things about myself, it doesn't mean that I think that I don't have problems.

 

I think it's healthy for people to like themselves. The things that Hex said that make you wary, I would find attractive in a person.

[WorkingInLin]

Listen, when girls say that you're such a nice guy, BUT...

 

The key is in the "but".

 

She's not rejecting you because you're "nice", she's rejecting you because she's not attracted to you for some reason. Let it go, and recognize that she's not right for you...but someone out there will like you for who you are.

 

And it has nothing to do with being nice. Plenty of bad boys are nice, they just also have an edge. Some girls go for passive, some for assertive. OP, you strike me as passive, so you'd be better off with a girl who likes passive men.