He's 7 years younger...I rejected him twice but may have changed my mind...

[Daligal83]

A week and a half ago my friend asked me out. I was on Facebook chat and messaged him at 3:30 am (over a weekend) because I was upset at the news that my ex is seeing someone else. He immediately started telling me how attractive he thinks I am and said he wishes that he could take out a girl half as pretty as me but no one wants to. I told him that he is hot and can get any girl he wants (which is true...the guy is gorgeous), so he asked if he could take me out. I told him that I'm too old for him, even though I do like him. He asked again during the conversation and I said we could hang out, but he noticed that I was hesitant. He said that he wouldn't take it any farther than this and again told me he thinks I'm gorgeous and smart and have a lot to offer.

 

I've been thinking about it a lot since then...I kind of want to see where it goes. I think he's too young to date seriously, but why can't I date for fun? I told him that I'm dating to get married, so he knows where I stand. We get along SO well though and I'm very attracted to him, so why not just see how it goes. I'm trying to not be so rigid with everything in my life and just have some fun (not just dating wise...overall).

 

My issue is that now I've rejected him twice...so obviously he's not going to ask me out again. Also, because of the nature of the conversation (Facebook, time of day), I'm worried that he was drunk and didn't mean it. I don't know how to go about bringing this up. I've seen him twice at the gym (he works there) and both times he has spent a lot of time talking to me. The gym manager (I'm friends with all of the staff there) even gave us a nickname yesterday. We get teased sometimes for how much we talk.

 

I'm thinking of inviting him to see my friend's band on Friday...but not just us. I was just going to tell him he should come since I'm going with friends from work. I've been trying to show interest, I'm not very good at it though. Any suggestions on how to approach this or if I even should? I don't want to make a fool out of myself.

[elcie]

There's 2 different directions in your line of thought;

 

On the one hand you say that you're "dating to get married." I'm not sure a 20 year old guy would be at that stage yet. (It depends on the guy of course.)

 

On the other hand you say that you don't want to be so rigid in your life and "just have some fun." If that's the case, then by all means tell him you've changed your mind; if he still feels the same.

 

I think that you should consider that if you do start a relationship with your friend, it might be a while before he would be ready to settle down with you.

[Daligal83]

I'm not looking at him as long term potential. I do want to get married, so I wouldn't exclusively date him. But I'm thinking that why not just casually date him? As long as he's on the same page of course. If he wanted something more, I wouldn't do that.

 

How do I go about telling him this though? 1) We're both super shy. And we see each other at the gym...it's not exactly a private place to be discussing this kind of stuff. 2) What if he was drunk and didn't really want to ask me out?

[Sparkly Eyes]

 

How do I go about telling him this though? 1) We're both super shy. And we see each other at the gym...it's not exactly a private place to be discussing this kind of stuff. 2) What if he was drunk and didn't really want to ask me out?

 

OMG girl! time for you to grow some balls (or ovaries, lol) , you shouldn't act as a shy 18 year old girl anymore. Obviously he thinks you are pretty, even if he was drunk, doesn't mean he didn't mean it. Just ask him out for drinks, say "hey do you wanna go out for drinks (or coffee, whatever you want) sometimes this week?". There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You are a grown up, no need to be this passive or good things will never happen to you!

[Daligal83]

LOL I am so passive though! It's awkward a little bit because I am friends with all of his coworkers and man, they are a brutal bunch at times. I love them all to death but they have NO problem picking on anyone in that group...and I've gotten myself included in that since I'm there so freaking much and befriended all of them. I just don't want it to get weird. That's why it's hard to actually say it at the gym, everyone is always there and around. And he's never on Facebook, so I can't talk to him there. I'm hoping that he'll come talk to me while I'm on a cardio machine tomorrow as usual and I can ask him what he's doing for the weekend and suggest he come to my friend's show.

 

He makes me nervous! I know he's younger...but I can't even tell you how attractive he is. I don't know what he wants with me lol. If only he was older and more mature...he definitely acts his age when it comes to relationships. I know too much about him in that regard...and I doubt I know everything.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, this is a good practice for you to be more proactive then and take your life in your own hands! There are a few ways to do it...Either message him on facebook (you don't have to chat with him!), or get his number and call/text him later if you don't want to do it in front of others. Life is short and you only live once...try to remind yourself that.

[elcie]

You mentioned at the end of your first post that you were thinking of inviting him in a group situation.

 

That's a great idea. If you can start talking to him then in a casual way and bring up what was said, you'll soon find out if he still feels the same. Especially with a drink to loosen up the inhibitions a bit. (not too much of course!)

 

Actually, I invited my husband-to-be on a group outing and that went really well!

[Daligal83]

I'm going to try to bring it up tomorrow. If it doesn't work out, then I'll send him a facebook message. I feel kind of stupid going after a 20 year old, but hey...what the heck.

[Daligal83]

So I told him about the show today. I said that he should come out if he's looking for something to do and that my friend's band is really good. He seemed upbeat about it, but said that he'd keep it in mind because he doesn't really have anything going on. Doesn't really sound that promising...but hey, I put it out there. Ball is in his court now. He wasn't talking to me as much as usual today. He was standing around instead of coming over to talk, which is odd. I don't know what's going on.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, did he think you two were going to it alone or did he think you are just inviting people? Because if he thought the second one, the ball is in the air still, not in anybody's court.

[Daligal83]

True. I said "you guys should come" cause I know he goes out with his friends. Plus my friends from work are going. I'm going to send him a Facebook message with my number on Friday, saying that I'm giving it to him in case he wants to come out. That's showing interest, right?

[Sparkly Eyes]

True. I said "you guys should come" cause I know he goes out with his friends. Plus my friends from work are going. I'm going to send him a Facebook message with my number on Friday, saying that I'm giving it to him in case he wants to come out. That's showing interest, right?

 

If it was me, I wouldn't take it as a sign of interest. You should be more direct, ask him out alone, even in a casual way. Just giving your number doesn't mean much...

[Daligal83]

I think it does a little though. I mean I've known him for almost a year and I've never ever asked him to hang out. Should I wait and see if he shows up on Friday or go ahead and ask him to hang out? Wow...I really suck at this. I don't know how guys do it.

[Sparkly Eyes]

wait for friday I think...if he does come, then you should be flirtatious with him. That you can do, right?

 

PS: I know what you mean about it being complicated, I'm trying to get better at it myself.

[Daligal83]

Yes? hahahaha I just act like myself...I don't even know if I'm flirting or not. But guys have asked for my number while I'm out..so I must be doing it somewhat?

[abitbroken]

I think that if he is a nice, upstanding guy, you are attracted to him, and find interactions with him easy for the most part, why not consider him a real potential date? Who knows - he could be someone ultimately looking to marry as well. Why reject him off the bat? I would try to go out with him and see where it goes. If you met him at a bar, I would say sure, just go out with the guy for fun, but you have known him for a year and care about him as a friend. So I don't think you should "toy' with him and tell him he is just a boy toy. I think that you should give him fair consideration. Be fair to yourself if you are not over your ex and tell him that you need a little time not to date if that is what you need, but I really would, like I say, go out with him a few times to see if he is a match. You never know, a guy who has not had 100 breakups so isn't world weary might have something to offer - it may be a good balance you never know.

 

btw, be careful about rejecting him, then being flirty. he may think you are playing with him. If you wouldn't mind going out with him, be clear about it

[Daligal83]

Because we have been friends for so long, I kind of know where he is at. I think he does want a girlfriend, but I've also seen how he goes about the dating world and he has a lot to learn. He is a genuinely nice guy, just hasn't figured all that out yet and he makes mistakes. Like he thought he ex was cheating, so he went out and cheated. Whenever he tells me stories like that, I tell him he can't do that kind of stuff and he's like, yea I can, I'm 20! And he is definitely still in this "I'm young I want to have fun" mindset. I mean I think he does want a girlfriend, but when you're 20 you can just get into a relationship without thinking if it's worth it long term because you have so much time. Me on the other hand, I'm 27...I want a family. I can't be spending more time exclusively dating someone where that isn't a mutual goal. If we started seriously dating, is he really going to get married at 22, 23? Have kids at 25? That would put me at 32 having my first child.

 

I can't remember if I specified this before, but during that conversation I made it clear that I like him, but I'm just worried about the age factor. And the second time he asked me out he said that he wanted to take me out or at least hang out and I said that we could hang out. So hopefully he will see, based on that part of it, that I'm just a little confused. I don't want him to think I'm playing with him.

 

I think that based on what happens on Friday...I might send him a message saying that I've thought a lot about the conversation he had and I need to stop overthinking everything I do. That I do like him and if he's still interested, would like to go out sometime.

 

Bah, I'm still worried he's not going to want to and it was just a drunken impulse. And then I will have to find a new gym LOL.

[abitbroken]

Well, there is a difference between a young guy making mistakes in dating - like being nervous about the 3 day rule (doing it or not), etc., or recognizing certain milestones. That stuff doesn't matter. In fact, my bf now didn't date a lot of women before me. We relate incredible well, but sometimes he has the "wait, am I supposed to be the one to suggest this next step or is the woman?" thing once in awhile. The "I cheated because my girlfriend cheated" is a whole different matter. If he learned from it, that's one thing, but yeah, you have to think about the "being young and stupid" factor in this case. There are other 20 year olds who are not like that at all.

 

I don't think you need to go to another gym if he decides he doesn't want to go out/it was a drunken impulse because he still would want to see you/hang out just not in "that way." Besides, it would be more on your terms because you said "no" in the first place, so it wouldn't be a big deal if you ended up not going out. he would be the one contemplating about other gyms, not you. I think you could both recover from this.

[Daligal83]

I was just being sarcastic about the other gym thing. I think he'd laid back enough that it wouldn't be weird. And he works there, so he couldn't find another gym lol. And I wouldn't leave just cause of a guy, that's ridiculous. I think it wouldn't necessarily be on my terms though because now I'm kind of going after him. He told me in that initial conversation that I obviously know what I want and he understands it and won't take it any further than this. But now I'm just struggling with how to let him know that I've changed my mind...and I'm obviously horrible at flat out saying it. I can have a real confidence issue when it comes to guys. Right now my plan is to send him a message tomorrow saying that I hope he comes and to text me if he is, and give him my number. Or something along those lines.

[Daligal83]

So I sent him a message yesterday morning telling him to let me know if he was coming out, gave him my number and said that hopefully I'd see him later. And nada. Not a word from him. How did it go from telling me how gorgeous I am to ignoring me two weeks later? A mutual friend who also works at the gym told me that he's all over the place with girls and doesn't know what he wants.

 

Oh well. I met another guy out at the bar. No real potential there because he smokes (dealbreaker) and he's a recovering gambling addict. I just got out of a relationship with an alcoholic (who also smoked). I can't do the whole addict thing again.