Confused about friend

[people500]

Hi,

I would like your guy's opinion on this. So I got this job at Target, and got hired as a cashier. On my first day cashiering, after my training, I meet this guy who also worked there. He started the conversation and introduced himself and was really nice. After that we made friends there. He was always really nice to me, we would make small talk often. We would start a cashier lanes next to each other. He was like a brother figure to me. He even drove me home one night. He would always greet me really nicely and smile at me. Well I'm gay so it meant even more to me. I don't really act like I'm gay though. He even was like me with not being into the partying type stuff, and he was really mature like me.

Well last week he was fired. I have been really emotional about it lately. His friendship really meant a lot to me. He's was basically the only good friend I had. I always looked forward to seeing him there. I would even check his schedule to see when I would get to work with him. We never exchanged numbers or anything. So I thought that I could check to see if he had a facebook account after he was let go. So I found out his last name and look his name up, and he was on there. I didn't have a facebook account but I opened one so I could write to him. So I wrote him a really nice message about how I was sorry and bummed that he got fired, and how I would be up to hanging out if he wanted to, and I gave him my email address for if he wanted to keep in touch. I though it was really well written.

So the next day I hadn't heard from him and checked on facebook and he actually closed down his account on there. It's been a couple of days now and he never contacted me. I don't know why he just ignored me like that when we got along so well there. He's the one who would usually start conversation first. I never gave him any signs that I was into him. I knew it would probably just be a friend thing. I've just been really hurt by this whole thing. Do you guys have any idea on why he wouldn't want to still be friends?

[Nerdyjock]

That's a really odd situation. I am perplexed, too. Based on your workplace interactions, I can't seem to imagine why he would ignore you on facebook.

 

The only thing I can possibly imagine is that

 

1) him getting fired had something to do with why he ignored you on facebook/shut down his facebook

2)that wasn't really his profile; maybe someone made a fake profile of him?

or

3) does anything on your page indicate that you are gay? maybe for some reason he found out you were gay from your page and for some reason had a negative reaction to this (assuming he didn't know you were gay in the first place)

 

Lastly- and this is a pet peeve of mine, I'm sorry, but saying "I don't really act gay" is a really interesting concept to me. What does this mean? To me, acting gay is engaging in behaviors that show you are homosexual - such as kissing males or having physical contact with them. Not in public- mind you. I just mean, if you have kissed males or want to kiss males, how do you not act gay? A lot of times I see people say this or "straight-acting", and it really confuses me.

 

I don't feel that sexual orientation categorizes personality or how masculine/feminine one is... to me it just says that I am attracted to males. I don't feel that my sexual orientation is easily differentiated from heterosexuality at all simply by talking to my coworkers or people who may not know my sexual orientation, but I don't know that I consider that "Straight-acting" or "not acting gay". The only thing that differentiates a guy that "doesn't act gay" is a guy who isn't physically attracted to men.

 

Anywho, sorry for the last tidbit, that just always sticks out to me when people say that. Sorry for getting sidetracked =]

[people500]

Sorry dude. I guess the best way to put it is that I think people don't usally know that I'm gay. And about facebook I have a blank page. Like I said I just opened it to contact him. So I have done nothing on there. All it basically has is my name. Oh and I'm sure that it was really his page. His whole family is even on there.

[Nerdyjock]

Sorry dude. I guess the best way to put it is that I think people don't usally know that I'm gay. And about facebook I have a blank page. Like I said I just opened it to contact him. So I have done nothing on there. All it basically has is my name. Oh and I'm sure that it was really his page. His whole family is even on there.

 

No need to apologise; i am not offended I just find it an interesting concept. I hear many people use the phrase and I like to see people's thoughts about it. I appreciate you explaining.

 

Anyway, about Mr. Target, this is such a strange situation. If you find out any more details could you update this thread? I'd be really curious to hear how this turns out...

I am curious to see what others say. I had a similar situation happen to be once so I feel drawn to this thread.

[RedDress]

@NerdyJock - To me, the term "acting gay" really refers to the over-the-top, flamboyant actions that some gay people participate in (In my own personal observations, you tend to see this more in big cities with large gay communities). Some people play it up and actively try to fit the stereotypes. For men, it can involve prancing around, being catty, refusing to wear anything but pink, talking in a higher pitched voice, etc. If you take a moment to talk to them, this all drops away and you discover it's not actually who they are but who they think they need to pretend to be. Saying "I don't act gay" is the same as saying "I don't play it up". It actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation, IMO because anyone can do it. By saying that your sexual orientation is NOT easily differentiated when talking to co-workers, etc - I would also say that you don't "act gay". It's the act of going out of your way to engage in activities and behaviours that DOES make you easily differentiated when talking to co-workers (refusing to talk about anything but shoes, for example) for the expressed purpose of signalling that you are gay that the term refers to.

 

The same thing can be found in other communities, btw. It's the same difference as a black person who speaks in ebonics vs. a black person who speaks proper english. It's not the colour of your skin that makes you do that (and in fact, other ethnicities sometimes choose to speak in ebonics). It's a statement and an expressed attempt to fit into a community.

 

Anyways... I digress.

 

This has happened to me before too. I really wouldn't take it personally. I think it's one of two things:

 

1) He was fired. He feels embarrassed. He doesn't want to think of ANYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with the store you worked at. He wants to wipe it from his memory. Unfortunately, you are a casualty of this mindset.

 

2) He has a lot of friends! It could simply be that he is not interested in persuing an "outside" friendship. People can be weird that way. He was perfectly fine with being friends while a captive audience at work... but he doesn't want to take it further.

 

I've known people at work who have gone out of their way to be my best friend at work... talk to me for hours on end... confide in each other... go for lunch... but when I suggested grabbing a movie or drinks afterwards, they looked at me like I was an alien and someone they didn't even know.

 

Don't take it personally. It just is. And I don't think this one has anything to do with sexual orientation, either.

[people500]

@Reddress Yeah I guess your probably right. It's just hard for me. He was like the only coworker that I would of like to have a friendship with outside of work. I'm just surprised he turned out this way. He didn't seem like that type of person. I don't understand why he even bothered being so nice to me, if he didn't want anything do with me. This is the second time this same type of thing has happened to me. I don't know what else I can do to try to make good friends. It just gets me really depressed.