I think it is the end for me and my brother.

[rose35]

It is probably way too much to even explain everything

 

my brother was actually obese and woke up one day and decided to change everything. Everyone knew it had to come from him. He changed his lifestyle and lost probably 140lbs or more in about 8 or 9 months..huge accomplishment and deal but i think it changes you mentally as well. A friend of mine who is a nurse even said it will happen. You are going to go through different moods and emotions. He also was a drinker but not in this horrible horrible way. Probably did have a slight problem..he slowed that down as well

 

It was my mother's 60th bday. I actually had a big trip planned for europe that fell around that time. My friend and i were able to get a really good deal and my mom was fine with me going. I planned on just giving her a card and gift the night before. I was also busy that week with working and packing. My father had asked my brother what his plans were for friday and he said he would come over Monday (which was a few days after her bday) b/c he wanted to work out (it's very very important to him right now and we support it) etc or if i remember correctly he mentioned taking her to lunch saturday. So my father dropped it after that.

 

It turned out he would have to work saturday and would be able to come monday. I gave my mother my card and some flowers..we had a little cake as well. I didn't think twice about it.

 

The next day which is the day i am leaving..my brother texts me how i could have told him we were having something for mom and noone is an adult there or communicates. Now---for YRS my brother came on his own terms or mailed a card. He lives around the block and is married..so of course depending on work schedule or something he would come over but not always on the day of her bday. I defended myself saying what are you talking about, i heard you couldn't come and i am leaving today so of course i gave her my little gift yesterday. I mentioned for yrs you came on your own terms and suddenly it is up to me to invite you for her bday at the apartment? You could have just dropped by.

 

It pretty much became a texting fight..him saying i need to grow up and there are no adults etc and me actually defending myself just made it go on longer. I was very angry he did this the day i am leaving and on her bday. He didn't need to pick a fight with me before a 9 hr flight. I was upset and even crying a little which my father saw. Later that night on the plane i called home again and my brother was over there and he was saying have a good flight. I was still pretty upset but just said thanks.

 

When i got back i found out he came over all angry and my father actually told him off saying you don't do that to your sister before a trip like that and if you are mad choose a different time and place. He pretty much asked my brother to leave when he got loud.

 

Now 2 months later he is over again. Things sort of settled since then but i have still been a tiny bit angry on the inside. He starts talking about our father saying he doesn't know what he is doing and he is retired and shouldn't be bidding on cigars every week. I basically said he doesn't have much b/c he paid for everyone else all his life and i said if he wants to treat himself to $100 a week, why can't he? I said you dont live here everyday to know what's going on with the accounts or to be THIS angry. I said it's the same thing like if mention this person's mother or father. Everyone has baggage from their childhood. I basically defended my parents. The thing is--i know how my brother can get and i know he is probably extra sensitive right now so the fight really really escalated to screaming and I probably could have avoided it. I just knew but almost didnt care. He cursed and i said just get out and leave if you hate them so much and i said i don't ever want to talk to you again, you are a scumbag..you me attacked before a 9 hour flight. He still doesn't think he was wrong and that i was wrong for not filling him on plans when i didnt even know what was going on. And obviously he knew i was leaving the day after..of course i would give her a gift the night before.

 

It basically ended bad between all of us..me and my parents and him. My parents said if you are going to act like this here just leave and go home, get out.

 

I feel like that's basically it. I had to text my brother when i got home from my trip to see how he was and i dont think i am putting myself out there again this time. I bet tomorrow he may even delete me from facebook or take some pictures off.

 

I just feel really angry..

[Hollyj]

Get over it. I'm sorry, but this stuff is silly.

I lost my brother several months back to lung and brain cancer and would give anything to have the opportunity to have a conversation with him.

This stuff is not important and is stressing your parents out. Work it out, it's not important.

[Nerdyjock]

I agree with Holly but I do understand it isn't as simple as "getting over it". I know what's silly to some people is a bigger deal to others.

 

People don't get along, and for siblings this is is expected every now and then. I don't see why you have to permanently close any doors or chapters though. Just spend less time with him and maybe in the future you two will be able to grow closer.

 

He is family; family is forever. I can honestly say that I can't think of anything that would ever, ever make me permanently turn my back on family. Even if they did something 100% despicable, i would just not spend time with them for a while - even if that meant a year without seeing them. However, I feel that when it comes to death, losing people, and other life losses, nobody is more important than family.

 

So I agree with Holly; just get over the intensity of the situation and worry about the other parts of your life right now. If you and your brother can grow close again soon that's great; if not, you have other things in your life to keep you satisfied. it doesn't mean you have to hate each other.

[abitbroken]

If your brother is changing his life then maybe he is also trying to be a better son or reconnect with family. My brother used to say stuff to me like "what are you doing friday". I would say "oh, running some errands or watching a show. I might stop by mom and dad's on sunday." He would just say "ok" and move onto the next subject instead of "Are you busy friday? If not, we are going out to dinner with dad. I won't be there for his birthday and so we wanted to celebrate early with a little cake." He DID not say that so I would find out monday that they had a get together and it was portrayed that I was "busy" or never did anything anyways. I would be upset because had I known, I wouldn't have followed through on my tv and errands plans as I would see the other as way more important.

 

I think you have just decided to put your brother in a box and you won't allow yourself to let him be any differnt. You are stuck in the 'you always do" things a certain way. Life is short - and its not like your brother lives on another continent. I would say that it shouldn't kill you to talk to him. Next time, just tell him what's up. If he is working - then fine but at least he knows. In a family there is always someone who needs to or does step up to be the organizer. In my family its grandpa. If he wasn't there, there would be one aunt and uncle coming over for his birthday one day, 3 people here, 4 people there - with him everyone knows whats going on and if someone has to work fine, but overall - that's how you stick together as a family rather than breaking apart.

 

My bf's family has splintered off. No one spends Christmas together. Its one aunt and uncle and their kids. His brother and sister in law somewhere else. Mom dad and us another place, etc. And its not because people live in different states.

 

You don't seem to have a huge giant family with 20 siblings, so i would just try to get it together.

[rose35]

yea--things can always be worse of course but it's not as easy as just get over it.

 

Also my grandfather who isn't even a grandfather did something completely horrible to my dad..we don't communicate with him anymore..he isn't a good man and never was a grandfather to me. So i think even if it is "blood" it doesn't mean tied together for life in a lot of ways other than genetics.

 

But anyway--it was already decided HE couldn't make it friday because he wanted to work out, he had to work saturday and was going to come by monday. I didn't question it and simply gave her my gift the night before my trip and we had some cake. We didn't have this grand party without him..i just felt completely attacked by him especially before a long flight. He doesn't think he was wrong. I was getting over it and we even had a good few nights since then..but tonight got my temper boiling.

 

I disagreed and had different opinions which is why it escalated. He had a few drinks so maybe i should have walked away peacefully and say i am gonna get ready for bed or something along those lines. At that point i just didn't care.

 

He just seems to have alot of anger and resentment towards us..i actually told him it almost seems like you hate our parents and they weren't all that bad..if you feel this way though you shouldnt be around them right now.

 

I feel bad b/c i know this affects my parents even though they are very angry too. My mom is going to be hurt on mother's day when she doesn't get a call..and then it's father's day, 4th of july. I just don't get his anger b/c it is not even like he lives with us to be this angry and they really weren't that bad. Yea--everyone has their issue with mom and dad and certain mistakes they made..but it's like he is really resenting things lately..and i notice it little ways..picking on my dad for doing this wrong or not knowing how to dress for this occasion etc--my father worked 12, 14 hours a day doing a blue collared job just trying to support the family--he was never concerned with that other stuff and i will always admire him for that..he is also older now..i don't expect him to socially graceful like me or someone younger etc etc..my brother doesn't seem to get that..

 

I just don't see myself putting myself out there right now to say hey how are you doing. But i feel bad b/c this added stress on my parents..they are 60..i feel like he should feel some guilt and call them but i know he won't. My father has been driving him all over recently too helping him out with different stuff..he says i tried and this is heartbreaking he's like this with us and has a mean streak.

[Nerdyjock]

Also my grandfather who isn't even a grandfather did something completely horrible to my dad..we don't communicate with him anymore..he isn't a good man and never was a grandfather to me. So i think even if it is "blood" it doesn't mean tied together for life in a lot of ways other than genetics.

 

First, all I can say is I'm sorry you see it this way. Family relationships to me are the one source of permanence in an ever-changing world. I know everyone's family is different - and you can't change how people act and behavior - but you can change how you perceive things, and I just find it unfortunate that you see family as nothing more than genetic similarities.

 

Second, I don't get what you mean - how is a grandfather who "isn't a grandfather" related to you by blood? Did you mean that he didn't do things that a real grandfather should do? Or did you mean he was adopted? Sorry, this part confused me.

[rose35]

i didn't mean it for every family member that we are only connected by blood--i meant sometimes there is someone in the family where that's all there is--like my grandfather..He was related by blood but not a good man..this was one exception to something permanent like family. It is different for everyone..like a good friend of mine grew up with a father who drank and would sometimes abuse her mother--by 18 she told her mother lets pack up and go..she never spoke to her father again for the stuff he did. So it is definitely a case by case

 

But back to my brother...i am just really angry and upset...i felt attacked before my trip and i let it go and now tonight i was sort of defending my parents and questioning him like what's his problem and it led to an argument.

 

I almost want to say something for my parents sake anyway and get things back. But my parents are pretty angry at him as well. I was loud and defending myself but they have not agreed with how he has been acting--we live in an apartment, he comes over and gets to yell and scream and leaves and we are the embarrassed ones. If we did that at his house with his wife upstaits he would probably kick us out.

 

I just feel almost like my parents and i need to show we don't need you in a sense if you are going to keep up these temper tantrums...my mom's mother's day is ruined now

[Nerdyjock]

I agree it's unfortunate that he is angry about the situation - I think on mother's day we should be willing to put aside our own feelings to show our mother our appreciation - but his actions should not dictate y'alls experience of mother's day. How you receive his actions, and what you do about it, are completely in your own hands. I think that you should plan something that will show your mother you love her, and y'all should go and have a pleasant day together. Yes, what your bother did may have bothered you, but letting it "ruin" mother's day is more a choice of yours than it is a result of his behavior.