Why would dumpers come back to a dumpee??!

[Destiny2112]

Sometimes the person who breaks off the relationship does so because, in their mind and in their lives, there is not another choice. So they back away from the relationship, fix the things that are wrong with them or their life circumstances, and then possibly, try and resurrect what was.....

 

do they believe they can climb the wall of distrust/hurt they may have created? I would assume most assuredly not. But they want to try.

do the think the other person has "waited"....again, doubtful. But that was a chance they took.

 

Sometimes you make choices in life that are difficult, and sometimes --- life gives you a second chance.

 

Very true what you are saying!

 

That is why I think that successful reconciliations don't happen too often... it needs to be the right time, the right circumstances and both, dumper and dumpee must be in the right mindset and willing to work things out.....I suppose, it takes a lot of strength from the dumper to admit they made a mistake... As you say, at one point in their lives they thought breaking up with us was the right thing for them, so I'm not sure IF you can call it a "mistake" at all. I mean their choice obviously felt right for them and brought them the happiness they were missing- even if just temporarily.

 

 

....I wonder how it's possible though, that few people here on ENA say they had all their ex's come back.?!...

[Mustachio]

Someone has already probably said this earlier in the thread, but I really think a lot of times they come back because they werent fully prepared for the consequences of what breaking up means. The time before my ex left me for good, she had broken up with me for another guy then realized that the grass wasnt greener with him and realized that she did in fact miss me, she decided that she would rather come back. When she did leave for good (it was for another guy also) she found enough of what she was looking for to stay with him instead of coming back. She still missed me, but now she had the comfort to stick with and not come back.

 

So yea, things might not be great, they leave without fully thinking it through and then cant deal with the consequences so they try and come back. And usually in those situations its close enough to the relationship that they still have the power to come back whenver they choose. Although as you say, those are usually the situations where none of the issues have been solved and said reconciliation ends right back in a break up.

[Destiny2112]

That is a good point, too!

 

I also agree that ex's most likely won't return if the new relationship gives them what the relationship with us was missing, if it satifies them enough to stay. Only if they realize we had good qualities that their new partners don't have, they might start questioning their choice.... but like I said before, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll act on it....

[mhowe]

Mine came back -- we are in 4th month of reconciliation. The break up was not a mistake on his part, it was the only option that made sense to him given the circumstances of his life at the time. Do/did I agree -- no. But that doesn't matter --- he did what he had to do; he didn't do it to hurt me --- he did it to fix his life.

 

And he did....and he came back and said --- I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me. And I did.

[Destiny2112]

Mine came back -- we are in 4th month of reconciliation. The break up was not a mistake on his part, it was the only option that made sense to him given the circumstances of his life at the time. Do/did I agree -- no. But that doesn't matter --- he did what he had to do; he didn't do it to hurt me --- he did it to fix his life.

 

And he did....and he came back and said --- I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me. And I did.

 

That is great, I'm happy for you and I wish you all the best!

 

What were the reasons/ circumstances that caused the break up, how long were you apart?

[italiannmf24]

Well there are two scenarios associated with a usual break-up.

 

1.) The dumpee doesn't leave the dumper alone, keep on contacting him or her and eventually drives them away; thus letting the dumper know that he or she made the correct decision in leaving.

 

or

 

2.) The dumpee does not speak to or contact the dumper after the day of the break-up. This keeps the dumper wondering why he or she is not chasing and has enough self-respect to stay away from the old relationship; thus creating curiosity and allowing the dumper to properly miss the dumpee.

 

The second scenario sounds better, right?

[Thorshammer]

The dumper feels as if they are not getting what they want, or feel like they can get more of what they want with someone else. If they dont get what they want with someone else, or get worse, they default back to the person from before and wonder if it was a mistake.

[Flyingpiglet]

Sometimes maybe its just the situation.... Probably more common at the beginning of a new relationship when one person realises that they are not ready or able to commit the time needed to build the relationship. They have other emotionally draining things going on that they thought they were dealing with OK......

 

Maybe once they deal with these issues, they may want to give the relationship a chance, providing the 'dumpee' is available and willing.

 

This is my hope and my truth for now

I have gone NC and just hope he doesn't forget how good we were for that short period... And the way he said I made him feel

 

x x

[Voodoodoll]

Oh I say alot of them come back, mines certainly did, begged me back, said I was the one, that he was selfish, that he took me for granted ALSO said that he would never take me for granted again because it's like a fork, when you stick a fork into a toaster and get a electric shock, you won't do it again..... 7 months later we broke up, but this time it's me ending it, cos he went back to taking me for granted, being a complete moody bollox, lazy as hell in the relationship, made me jump thru hoops for him, running around after him all the time...... I think it's men like him, they think that ''Hey this girl is crazy in love with me, she'll never leave no matter how crap i treat her'' .... Well guess what? I left....... still love him but I'm in love with the guy that was him in the first year and a half, not this selfish twit that he is now!!! Still want to be friends tho, it's like out of the relationship he's really nice, maybe some people are just not meant to be in a relationship I guess.....

[sand dollar]

Dont you think some people come back out of nostalgia? Its someone they used to like and though they know its over its nice sometimes to get a sense of that person again. I dont mean when they come back looking to renew the relationship,but when they come back for a while or for a limited time. I recently re-connected with a person Ive lost touch with and its a little strange because its been so long since Ive consistently seen her and geard her talk that it almostlike seeing her for the first time. Honestly tonight I was watching her and listening to her talk and it was like "wow this seems like someone from so long ago that I almost dont know her at all. I mean "know" in the most basic way. Weird huh? Almost like encountering them for the first time. I liked her and everything but there was almost total detachment. I forget how long I have been avoiding her. I have disciplined myself so much to stay away that going back briefly is really strange for me. I probably have not consistantly encountered this person in any way for nearly seven years. I have no idea what she is doing or what her life is like at all. It all seems so abstract to me now. I didnt think until tonight that I was that detached. I can be an extremely disciplined person at time ( and also paradoxically very weak) but I have to say it all seems a little distant and objective to me now. I'm a little disappointed in myself actually,but seven years is a long time.

[ZimboGon]

You guys think its more common for a woman or a man to come back? All these stories of reconciliation i hear mostly pertain to a male dumper returning.

[replytome]

Because they're never 100% sure of their decision. My ex didn't give me the keys to the apartment when she moved out until 3 months later when the landlady asked for them, ''just in case'' and in her own words, ''because that would mean it's really over''. Damn right it's over, idiot. Not half over...

 

Their certainty about their decision is always relative, and depends on so many factors but definitely fluctuates. And so much of it depends on the dumpees behaviour during that time. But trying to use that in your favour will drive you nuts. Much easier to go NC and move on.

 

I did both, and much preferred the latter.

[replytome]

You guys think its more common for a woman or a man to come back? All these stories of reconciliation i hear mostly pertain to a male dumper returning.

 

Yeh, part of the feminist movement.

[JLKLEE]

I think a lot of exes return because always wanting something better has become the norm in society. People tend to think there is something better than appreciating what they currently have.

 

When I went to college, I broke it off with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years because I wasn't ready to settle down. I wanted to have fun and be with other people. About 7 months later I told him I wanted to work things out and he agreed. Then I found out he was still sleeping with someone else. I ended it for good. To this day he still tells me how he regrets losing me.

 

I dated another ex for 3 1/2 years. We broke up for about 8 months (he wasnt ready for me to be the last girl he slept with) before we got back together. The problem was he treated me so bad and strung me along during the break up that I just couldn't move past it and I broke up with him. We reconnected a year later. He was still interested in getting back together and told me how he beats himself up and regrets everyday treating me the way he did and losing me.

 

My current ex....we are kind of like the whole opposites attract scenario with personality but we have great chemistry and a lot in common. The problem that we ran into in our relationship was I was ready to settle down and he was interested in partying and having a good time. It caused a lot of arguments. We didn't have a bad break up and we still love each other but I feel like he is feeling the grass is greener syndrome. He was affected by the problems in our relationship and wonders if there is something better. I know some do not agree but I'm ok with him testing the water. The difference is I'm not going to be in contact while this happens to save myself from hurt. If we don't end up back together that's fine but if we do and it makes us stronger and even more in love, then great. I'd rather it happen now instead of getting married and it happen.

[JLKLEE]

Because they're never 100% sure of their decision. My ex didn't give me the keys to the apartment when she moved out until 3 months later when the landlady asked for them, ''just in case'' and in her own words, ''because that would mean it's really over''. Damn right it's over, idiot. Not half over...

 

Their certainty about their decision is always relative, and depends on so many factors but definitely fluctuates. And so much of it depends on the dumpees behaviour during that time. But trying to use that in your favour will drive you nuts. Much easier to go NC and move on.

 

I did both, and much preferred the latter.

 

My ex knows I have a lot of his good clothes but hasn't asked for them. I feel like he is making sure he has a reason for contact.

[replytome]

My ex knows I have a lot of his good clothes but hasn't asked for them. I feel like he is making sure he has a reason for contact.

 

That's what they do! Give them to Oxfam!

[Dezireey]

Hate to burst anyones bubble here (if this is their situation) but in my experience and observing friends, family and aquaintances around me over the years, a common factor in dumpers returning or realising they made a mistake is when they remain single after the break up for a certain period of time.

 

If they did not leave you for someone and have neither met anyone else, more often than not, this spurns them on to return to their ex. Maybe loneliness, maybe not but I have found that if they now have someone else they are happy with, they tend not to suddenly realise the mistake they made and it's super easy for them to move on with someone else pandering to their needs. The only times I have really wanted an ex back is when I have been alone and just had the time and effort to 'think' about them and miss them a lot. If I were busy out and about with someone else, I wouldn't have the time to dwell and sulk on what could have been with the person I just dumped.

 

In all honesty, the only reason I sometimes have hope about my ex returning is that (as far as I am aware) after three months, he has not met anyone else and he appears to be getting more and more depressed. If I found out tomorrow that he was now with another woman, I actually think it would quickly make me heal faster and speed up the moving on process. I would just think 'damn, he must be so over me now, I can't spend one minute hoping he will come back if he is loving someone else'. Sometimes I wish that were true, as it may help me to get over him. strange but true.

[dumPI]

what about timing?

or

what about because dumper has grown up/evolved and realizes what he/she needs is what once had? Does that happen?

[KenCasanova]

^^Lold at username.

 

In regards to OP, because sometimes people break up with their partners in the heat of the moment and once their better judgement is resumed they realize their hastiness. This is one thing that I have experienced time and time again seeing my friends break up with their girls after a heated(alcholol induced) argument only to get back with them the day later. It happens all the time, but what I've also noticed is that the relationship is never the same after the break up. Be it good or bad there is always a change in the dynamics of the relationship.

[italiannmf24]

Dumpers may change their mind about the decision they made if the dumpee shows respect for them by accepting the break-up and moving on themselves.

 

The dumper may realize that the dumpee may be affected by the break-up, but their life hasn't completely changed because of it. Holding that self-respect and self-worth to one's self after an initial break-up is always gonna be a turn-on, no matter what. Unless there are other reasons the dumper ended things - cheating, lying, stealing, abuse - then it is understandable that the dumper may never return to the dumpee because they've already fully made the decision in their head and can be guilt-free due to the abuse felt from the dumpee.

[mahipahl]

I think if one is strong enough to do strict NC after being dumped it can reveal a lot of information about what the dumper is thinking. There are exceptions and examples of the opposite happening but in general: If the dumper contacts within 1-2 weeks = its really a fight not a break up, dumper overreacted. One month = dumper is second guessing their decision. 3 months= lonely and second guessing. Beyond 3 months I think the dumpee should move on regardless. If someone can leave you without a word for 3 months it would be hard for them to explain away, a. they missed me b. they made a mistake c. they love me and can't be without me. That is why NC is so important, it helps you move on but it can also reveal a lot of information by doing nothing. Constantly breaking NC annoys the dumper and gives the dumper the opportunity to not reveal anything to the dumpee.

[ZimboGon]

Hate to burst anyones bubble here (if this is their situation) but in my experience and observing friends, family and aquaintances around me over the years, a common factor in dumpers returning or realising they made a mistake is when they remain single after the break up for a certain period of time.

 

You really think so? I was a great boyfriend to my ex, and she jumped to this new guy who was basically her emotional doormat while she and i were dating. She started dating him 6 days after we broke up. Pretty sure she's just doing that to make herself feel better about everything. You don't think she'll ever look back and miss me, even though at one point she was completely and totally in love with me? I mean, she put up a huge fight with me asking to stay friends and not lose me because she was too scared to not have me in her life anymore.

[Dezireey]

You really think so? I was a great boyfriend to my ex, and she jumped to this new guy who was basically her emotional doormat while she and i were dating. She started dating him 6 days after we broke up. Pretty sure she's just doing that to make herself feel better about everything. You don't think she'll ever look back and miss me, even though at one point she was completely and totally in love with me? I mean, she put up a huge fight with me asking to stay friends and not lose me because she was too scared to not have me in her life anymore.

 

I just think when they have someone else instead of you it makes it easier for them to move on quickly and be distracted by that person immediately after the break up. Don't forget, one of the reasons the dumpees feels so rubbish after they get dumped is not just losing the person they loved, there are the cuddles, intimate moments, companionship, sex, etc. If the dumper replaces you with someone else immediately or not long after, they do not suffer the withdrawal of these aspects of the relationship, as someone else is now providing it for them.

 

Of course, lots of people go out with someone after their ex and find it difficult being intimate with someone else or the grass is not greener and come running back but that doesn't always happen. I hate to say it, but it always makes me suspicious if someone desperately wants to be your friend after they dump you and they already have a new partner lined up. It smacks of 'ooh lets keep my ex hanging on a thread and in contact with me whilst I spend the next 6 months trying out this relationship with this new person and then if that doesn't work out, I can start things up with my ex again' Be wary of that. It sounds like she is now putting you in the position that this new boyfriend was in!

 

If you are still friends with her, I would definitely recommend to cut it dead and go NC. Take away this control she has and let her see that she has lost you forever. You see, that is what some dumpers need to realise (even if in your heart it is so not true for you) that they have lost you for good, you are not coming back and you are not making the effort to come back. NC does that, it sends a clear signal to them that you have vanished, gone for good.

[JLKLEE]

You really think so? I was a great boyfriend to my ex, and she jumped to this new guy who was basically her emotional doormat while she and i were dating. She started dating him 6 days after we broke up. Pretty sure she's just doing that to make herself feel better about everything. You don't think she'll ever look back and miss me, even though at one point she was completely and totally in love with me? I mean, she put up a huge fight with me asking to stay friends and not lose me because she was too scared to not have me in her life anymore.

 

I think it is different with each situation. I know some people dump their current lover for someone who they think is better. Then they realize it was not what they thought and they come back to the dumpee recognizing their mistake.

 

I know for me, I was dating this guy for about 3 1/2 years. I am the type of person who puts in my all and will do whatever I can to fight for the relationship. When I walk away, usually it is for good. I have never regret my decision to walk away because I know when I walk away, I have given everything I could for the relationship and have nothing left to give. When I broke things off, I had no feelings for him, no attraction for him and no desire to continue a relationship with him. I had met someone else (who is my current ex) and I wanted to pursue things with him. I did find myself, at times, wanting to contact the guy I broke things off with, but I knew that it wasn't right. It was just me thinking about someone I had been in a long term relationship with, someone I was used to. Even being single now, I do not have any desire to be with him or contact him.

 

So like I said, each person and situation is different. I know that once I'm done with a relationship, it is for good. I do not get the GIGS. I work very hard to maintain a relationship and when I walk away, it is because I have nothing left to give.

[ZimboGon]

Thanks for the input guys. I've been 5 weeks NC so far. She asked to be friends, and i said no. She even asked for me to WAIT for her. I was more like you JLKLEE in my relationship. I was the one that did everything i could to maintain the relationship, and she just couldn't put the same effort back after awhile. Just hoping she thinks back someday and remembers the good times, and realizes something like 'this guy actually cared and fought for me when i was so bad to him'.